Changes

I think that the next month or two will be bringing a lot of changes in my life. I am seeing changes already when it comes to my employment---

I am now inundated with work and projects which I will be working on completing as quickly as I can... but its a lot to keep track of.

Its a good thing though.

I just want to have a good life... the goals I am working towards are not so crazy or extreme that they are not possible. I just feel like I need a boost to reach some of those lower-hanging goals.

Interview Part 2

Turns out the job will maybe pay more than I thought. I don't know for sure. I will not worry until I get the job offer, if I do.

I suppose I'm just tired of being poor. So I am very crabby when it comes to money right now.

I need a hug.

Interview

I have an interview for a job which will probably pay me half of what I was making as a temp.

Pros? Benefits. And a steady paycheck. Even if the paycheck isn't very good.

Cons? I will have to work another 15-20 hours a week just to have enough to have a real life. Which will defeat the purpose of working for a life since I won't have a life.

I don't have a life besides work. And I work in order to have a life. Which I won't have because I have to work all the time. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't.

Oddly enough, this job interview makes me want to stop going to church anymore since I am feeling really bitter about where my life has ended up.

Whatever.

I think my life has turned into a bit of a joke, honestly.

Whatever.

And I've given up hope on having a good career working in my current profession. It'll probably always be as disappointing as my life has been. I've worked myself to the bone to remove most of my debts, lost my car in the process, and have no career options but to get something which doesn't pay as well... then work that until I can maybe work myself up career-wise? Seems like starting over.

Whatever.

As I said, life is a big disappointment but we're supposed to like hold to the rod and hope that things are better in the next life, I guess? When I magically become straight and will want to get married? I dunno. Seems like a bunch of shit.

Whatever.

Rebalancing

My job has changed considerably. I don't have completely steady employment right now but I am doing my best to stay afloat. I have more or less decided to keep with the church even if I might not be the strictest of members. During the last few months, I considered leaving the church---but that was partially because there were hopes of a different kind of future for me... one where I didn't feel like I was alone and fighting people over the church anymore. Its not panned out as I had planned. Or Hoped.

So instead, I'm decided to stick around.

I don't know what the future will hold for me.

I have bought four books on adoption. One is about toddler adoption. I'm excited to continue reading these books. They are good motivations for me.

Haven't seen the last of me...

A very dear friend of mine surprised me with an Ipod as a gift. He knew I wanted one for some language lessons I'm doing.

I am truly amazed by the kindness of people in my life, especially when I don't feel I deserve the kindness.

He is a truly amazing friend. I thought so before the Ipod nano surprise, of course. I don't deserve such good friends.

As far as the gospel goes... I feel alright about things for now. I'll quote Cher, since thats what every gay man does with the gospel right? :)

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

I guess...

I guess how I am feeling right now is a wish to be loved.

I have friends who I have occasionally cuddled with---that has helped me feel connected to people. I really miss that closeness with my friends.

I don't want just any close contact with someone---I don't want to hug a random stranger. I want there to be a connection.

I miss that connection with other men.

I feel lonely.

I guess that is how I am feeling right now.

Oh really?

I sometimes wonder what is my future with the church when I see people who make statements such as the following.

Mitt Romney is quoted as having said:

"The children of America have the right to have a father and a mother,'' Romney said in his prepared remarks. "What should be the ideal for raising a child? Not a village, not ‘parent A' and ‘parent B,' but a mother and a father.''

Romney also warned about the societal impact of gay parents raising children. "Scientific studies of children raised by same-sex couples are almost nonexistent,'' he said. "It may affect the development of children and thereby future society as a whole.''

Romney expressed similar beliefs during a speech in 2005 to socially conservative voters in South Carolina, as he was beginning to be viewed as a serious candidate for president.

"Some gays are actually having children born to them,'' he declared. "It's not right on paper. It's not right in fact. Every child has a right to a mother and father.''

There are two parts to my worrying about my future involvement in the church:

1) Will I continue to see people with views such as this? Undoubtedly it will happen, especially with a recent General Conference talk by Dallin H. Oaks which discussed children of gay couples and single parents as being without a doubt, disadvantaged, and essentially neglected.

2) Will there be any change if I leave? Undoubtedly not, once again. If I go to church with my future black son and do my best to raise him well, maybe it will change some hearts and minds to open their hearts and minds. 

I still believe in the church despite some of these kinds of statements. People who doubt the sincerity with which I desire to be a father need only to read this blog for a few entries to know it is a passion of mine. To not be a parent would kill me.

Will I stay? I like to think I'd say yes, especially given No. 2's logic. Maybe I will be the gay Mormon parent pioneer, having a multi-racial family and breaking everyone's narrow-minded thought process down.

It doesn't make sense...

... why do I care about someone who doesn't return my feelings? Is it because I'm so desperate to be loved? Or is it because I have some sort of sick self-mutilating hatred for myself that I continue to put myself into those same situations where I will undoubtedly get hurt?

I have a job interview coming up for another part-time job but it could turn into part-time long-term.

... I wish I had a job so I could be getting further out of debt. I want a house and a child. I don't want anything crazy in life. I have given up on the ideas of fame and fortune which were my naive ideas from my youth. I have basically also given up on ever having a person who'd love me in a complete way as well.

And yet, I continue to desire that love even though I fight myself into thinking it is not possible.

... Time after time, I find that I'm struggling to tell what's burning inside of me.

Maybe I make myself available too much, hoping that people I care about will think of me and want to be around me.

... I just want to be happy.

I realize...

... its been a while since I've felt loved. Its not a good feeling.

I wish that I had someone who'd scoop me up and hold me tight---without wanting anything from me besides my company and my heart.

Maybe it is too much to hope for.

King of the World

I feel like sometimes we have within us a great power for happiness. I feel like I do too, but I'm being blocked from reaching my full potential and destiny.

This is the song of a slave, a former prince, locked inside a ship being brought to the Americas. Its the end of a very powerful song. Sometimes I relate to feeling trapped inside my current situation.

I will not be defeated
I will stand like a mountain
And the road will stretch before me
And they'll know it's time to follow

And we'll lift our eyes
And raise our heads
And face the sun
And tell the future
I'm king of the world
Land of the free
High in the sky
The best that I can be
And I'm king of the world
Watch and you'll see
Nothing can stop me from tomorrow,
Keep me from my destiny

I'm king of the world
I'm king of the world
I'm . . . I'm . . .
At least I used to be

Isn't is supposed to help...?

This is General Conference weekend. Its supposed to be a time of great reflection for Latter-day Saints who learn all sorts of new and wonderful things, as well as be reminded of past ideas and principles they haven't thought about as much recently.

I have had to walk my dog during parts of Conference so I've missed a lot of it. However, the parts I did hear didn't even help me. I feel so lost and purposeless that nothing helps me.

I keep hoping that something would go right in my life so I'm not so pissed off all the time and angry with where my life is. Naively I thought that General Conference might give some meaning to me. Granted, I've missed a lot of it... but the parts I heard offered me nothing. 

The bitterness might be here to stay.

Nobody's problems for me

... Its hard when one imagine their life with a person---then realizing that maybe that future life won't happen. Recently I began a careful bit of self-reflection and realized that falling in love has consequences: sometimes one needs to fall out of love.

Sometimes one needs to fall out of love because the affections are not returned. Sometimes one has to fall out of love because its unhealthy. Other moments, falling out of love is gradual and less painful. Sometimes it is mutual and sometimes one-sided.

No matter what, there is pain involved.

Keeping that person at a safe distance while continuing to fall out of love is difficult. Because usually when I fall in love, I want to be with that person all the time. Lots of late night talks, lots of late-night walks and late-night kisses.

So when I fall out of love, I have to distance myself emotionally and put up barricades. Which puts me in a lonely position. Perhaps being out of love is easier than being in love ultimately---less pain to deal with.

Love is hard. I'm going to do my best to avoid romantic love for a long time.

A friend of mine told me that I could talk about adoption for hours---and I probably could. I have so many plans but I have no one to share those plans with. Its a little pathetic that a 30 year old man would project that vision onto someone else and even imagine that somehow that my dreams could become a reality as much for someone else as they'd be for me.

Perhaps it is better to be out of love after-all. No one for me to hurt. And no one to hurt me.

Do you ever think...?

... that you are really going a little bit insane?

Wondering

Sometimes I wonder about going places when I have someone who would love to go with me, even if the place isn't on the top of their list.

Tonight I'm going to see In the Heights at the Pioneer Theatre in Salt Lake. I'll be going alone. I didn't want to beg for a friend to go with me. I thought that would seem rather pathetic. I also didn't want to spend $40 just to pay for a ticket to ask someone to go with me.

I know I will appreciate it. I don't have the money to see it, but I did it as a treat for myself. Sigh.

Today I belted Disney songs in the car. And I was thinking "I'm glad the windows are tinted in the car since people might just assume I'm singing with kids in the backseat." But I was just singing to myself. Who doesn't love Disney song sing-a-longs?

Dirty laundry

Although I do have real dirty laundry sitting in a pile in my bedrooom, I'm referring to the dirty laundry of life.

I've decided to clean up my life a little bit. Regardless of whether I stay in the church---I need to clean up my life. Get rid of the bad, keep the good, and focus all my energies on positive things like the adoption, finding a job, etc.

Lack of support...?

In the last few weeks, I've had two African Americans tell me they are not supportive of my adoption plans completely. One is morally against my providing goods\help\medicine to the orphanage. The other isn't quite clear as to her reasons behind it.

I have to wonder if part of the reasons why there is a lack of support is due to my race. I don't know if this is true, but it seems to be a common theme brought up amongst people who don't support me. Is my light skin a deterrent from being able to love a dark-skinned child? Is there a reason why a white person is not as capable of raising a child of another race? Or is it better to be raised by one's own race?

I don't understand that concept. To me, I am helping a child regardless of his race.

Luckily for them, I don't need their support to continue my plans.

I Daydream... a lot

Confession: I love to daydream.

I like to think about my future and think of all the things I want to do in life. All the places I want to go. All the dreams I've had.

For the last few months, I've thought a lot more about having a special guy to bring home at Christmas or Thanksgiving---someone who'd be excited for our future and supportive of me. I dream about that perfect little house with my 2-3 kids. I picture being the cool dad who knows how to cook any food the kids would want---bake all the cookies... teaching them to garden, paint, draw... teaching them to ride a bike and swim...

And I always imagined I'd have a partner to do it with. Someone who'd treat me special, love me no matter what and who I'd enjoy going to bed with at the end of the day.

Now I realize more and more that I am consistently disappointed with my life and that I'm probably not good in romantic situations. I don't see how or why anyone would choose me.

There's been a few times in my life when I thought I'd finally get my Cinderella-Prince Charming situation. Every time I've been disappointed in the long run.

So maybe that house with the kids and teaching them all those great things will be headed by a single dad without romantic attachments? It might be easier than daydreaming of a future with some guy who'd really love me---someone who'd love me, and the church, even if we didn't live it strictly.

I always dreamed my life would be so different from this hell I'm living. So different now from what it seems. Now life has killed the dreams I dreamed.

As MLK said... I have a dream

I like daydreaming and thinking about dreams---not the kind at night... the ones where we think about our future...

Here's what I envision:

1) No debts from student loans, taxes... and any debts from credit cards to be minimal.

2) A beautiful house, somewhere within about 15 minutes of a city... but with enough space to grow a fruit orchard and where I can have children running in the backyard. Ideally, there'd also be a pool involved. In the middle of the fruit orchard, I also want to have a lamp-post just like in Narnia. I've seen people with lamp posts in their yard and I think it is the cutest idea.

3) My house would have my own office, a food storage room-pantry, and enough space that my family could grow.

4) A partner on some level... someone who is as excited about my adoption, or at least supportive of it... someone who I won't have to convince or motivate. Someone who will say "Hey, let's plan this together..." instead of me doing it all on my own. Even if this partner was a celibate friend who I was close to, I'd be okay. I just would like to have someone who'd be excited about these plans with me.

5) Everyday would be the 4th of July. (I forget what movie this references but I remember watching a movie where someone said life should be full of fireworks like the 4th of July.)

6) Even if we're not 100% active, I'd love to go to church at least 50% of the time... even if its just Sacrament Meeting and Sunday School. I want someone who respects the church even if its too hard to live sometimes.

7) Traveling: I love to travel. Even with kids, I want to travel.

8) A great job which would give me freedom to be with my children. I don't care about working from home vs. an office. Just want to have some sort of income which is stable and pays my bills.


I think that these above dreams are simple and profound.

Why does it seem so hard to attain them?

What to expect... ?

I watched the movie "What to expect when you're expecting?" It follows like 4-5 couples as they go through pregnancies. One is an unmarried couple who got pregnant their first date---another is a couple who has been trying for years---and another is an infertile couple who is adopting.

They adopted a baby from Ethiopia. The husband was unsure and doubted his ability to be a father. At the end, they were so happy in Africa after being given their child. The other couples all gave birth and were happy in the end.

Of course, I was crying like an idiot. Alone at 2 AM in my apartment. Watching these families being built and wishing I was one of them---getting a child. Building a new life. So ridiculous. Is it possible to somehow be a man having a phantom pregnancy which would affect my hormones?

I cried for how beautiful it was. I cried over all the beautiful babies. I also cried because... I won't have that. I realize that now. I won't have a wife who will give birth to our child since I was born into a body which finds it both unnatural and unappealing to have sex with a woman. Instead, I'll have a surrogate and an egg donor who will be highly paid for their services. I won't have someone to go buy baby clothes with, because I'll be the only one excited about the baby. I'll be the one choosing his name---I'll be the one painting the AA Milne Winnie the Pooh themed nursery. When I go to Africa, I will probably go with a friend who will accompany me as he speaks French and is willing to travel to the Congo with me---he and I love adventures and when will someone ever go to the Democratic Republic of the Congo otherwise? But he would be going with me as a friend, not as a partner.



I'll be doing it alone, emotionally speaking. I'll have friends and family for support, but I will not hold out hope that someday I'd find someone who wants children so badly that it hurts.

Recently I've been daydreaming about the possibility of having a partner like that. For some reason I naively thought it would happen, but I think it is a silly idea in the end. What gay man with all the qualities I'd be looking for would think about me in the same way that he'd think about the beauty of a child---that I'd be so unique and perfect that I could be be their choice for life?

It won't happen.

Alright by Tituss Burgess

I’ll be alright

I’ll be just fine

There are no real scars

I’ll heal in no time

The phone has been ringing and ringing and ringing

Off the hook

I knew it wasn’t you

I didn’t bother to look

Oh, But I hoped you would call

But, I just dismiss the thought

Oh how Silly of me

To think this brief meeting could lead to

Long walks and long talks

And Long kisses

And, oh how I wish

That these brief passings of

Of random romances

Would stay a little longer

Then not hurt when its over

Oh, I realize

That these things take time

I guess I just thought

Maybe this time was mine

Now I am stuck in a maze

While I am in a constant daze

Its taken all the strength of me

To break this, all you’ve got on me

Damn those walks and

Damn those hugs

And to hell with your kisses

And oh, how I wish I had never known you

And never had shown you

How close I had come to falling in love with you

Oooooooohhhhhhh….

I’m going to make it through

My world didn’t start with you

 








The only one who I can count on to be equal in my desire for this adoption and building a family is me. So to hell with everyone else. To hell with those who tell me I cannot do it. And to hell to all those times I daydreamed about finding a romantic partner who'd want this with me.

Seriously

I hate the feeling of being alone when there's people who could cure my loneliness out there.

Seriously.

I wonder if I will ever find peace in this life or if I'm destined to be unhappy.

Car loans and taxes...

... Two favorite things in my life are debts and loans.

By favorite, I mean they are the worst things to happen to me.

... Found out I owe some past state taxes which I wasn't alerted to.

I don't have it in my budget to pay them in addition to my other payments.

... So now its tightening the belt. A couple more months.

I'm going to get a car eventually. Its just frustrating.

Someone likes me...

I've gotten a dozen emails about my leaving NorthStar including one at my work email from Danielle Mansfield. I do love Ty and Danielle. They're mini-Moho celebrities.

She wanted me to return to share my opinions about the narrow-mindedness.

I was very touched by her emailing me.

After emailing her a reply, I realized that there are so many issues why I don't want to rejoin.

It is very nice knowing my outlandish opinions are appreciated by some.

No. 1 or No. 2?

I have an intense desire in me to be loved and to love in return. Love without reason or purpose other than to experience that love. Sometimes I hate my life thinking love, true love, isn't possible. At times in my past I tried to tell myself that being loved wasn't important. Other areas in my life were more important. Sometimes I get very cynical about love... not because I don't desire it, but its because I don't know if it will ever work out for me.

I've been in a sort-of relationship for a few years. It is celibate on my end. We started out as close friends who both loved the gospel but he has turned to hating it. What is worse is that I have come to resent being around him. Why? Because despite my being a good companion to him, I've never been his No. 1. I probably never will be.

I live with both him and another roommate. Over the last few years I've begun to feel like I'm drowning. I'm unhappy, I feel used and neglected, and generally unloved. I don't like being home all the time. In fact, I usually prefer being with someone else at home or at someone else's house entirely.

I don't feel like I'm anyone's No. 1. The person someone would choose over anyone else to be with. I'm beginning to wonder if that would ever happen. I tend to be very emotionally driven to be devoted to someone to almost ridiculous levels. Even if I am treated with unkindness, for some reason I stick around. Why? Because I'm a devoted person. I keep hoping that devotion will turn into me being someone's No. 1 who they'd choose over all others.

I think I'm destined to always be a No. 2 or 3. Someone who is just someone to fall back on when someone more enjoyable is around.

Is it wrong to want to be loved like that?

I realize I am sort of a mess at times. I have obsessive compulsive issues. I have only just recently begun to get my weight under control again. I'm not young. I'm not particularly gorgeous like the models on TV but I think I'm nice looking. I don't have a perfect body. I don't have a perfect personality. I can be moody and irritable. But I think I'm overall pretty kind. I love the gospel's principles even if they're sometimes hard to live by. I wish I had someone who thought about the gospel in positive ways, at least with the principles. I wish I had someone who'd go to church with me at least sometimes.

What I really wish is that I'd be someone's No. 1.

I'll never be anyone's knight in armor with a sword in hand. I'll never be a prince or a saint. I'll just keep waiting until someone, someday, realizes that the guy who has always been there for them is the best one they've had around.

Tarot Reading and NorthStar

Sometimes ... we all need a break.

I left NorthStar's Facebook Group. For lots of reasons. One big one being that I don't fit in there.

Right now I'm struggling with who I am. I don't know what I want.

I saw a Tarot Card reader today just for fun. He reads auras and energies. He said I need to let go of what others think of me in order for me to really become who I am. He said that with the adoption, I will be giving people in my life a gift to be able to transcend themselves to become more consistent with God-like ideas by accepting me and my child.

He said I should let my feminine energies out---allowing me to trust my intuition and use my creative sides.

I liked what he had to say. I'd never have gone but a friend of mine invited me. And I'd do anything with him if he asked.

I really don't...

... think my life will ever be better.

I might stop my blog for a little while. I don't know. I'm really not happy.

Back to work. All I can do---work.

I'm sure...

... I've posted these lyrics before. I'm positive of it.

Tonight this is what I'm feeling. I cannot put it into words better than how I feel right now.

Somebody by Depeche Mode

I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts, know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side and give me support
And in return he'll get my support

He will listen to me when I want to speak
About the world we live in and life in general

Though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted
He'll hear me out, and won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking in fact he'll often disagree
But at the end of it all he will understand me

I want somebody who cares for me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things in a different light
All the things I detest I will almost like

I don't want to be tied to anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me, and kiss me tenderly

Do you think God... ?

... would forgive someone who said it was all too much? The loneliness and heartache from being in the gospel and being gay, feeling like I don't belong... feeling like I'm unappreciated and constantly hurt...

I wonder if God is all-knowing, why would he give homosexuality to his children when there's almost a surety that they will "fail." I don't think my life is a failure although some would see it as such if I stopped following the commandments. I know the gospel would always be a part of my life---I see myself still at least going to church sometimes, even if I wouldn't follow all the rules strictly.

I wonder what would happen if there was revelation on this issue. Instead of us just being left to fend for ourselves.

"Why has no one ever loved me?"

I'm sentimental when I'm sad.

There's this quote from As Good as it Gets which I've altered to fit me, as I'm not a waitress. Just edited out words here and there...

"...I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest man on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you and never get that they just met the greatest man alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me... "

This was said by Melvin Udall, a man who is not only obsessive compulsive, but also a real jerk. He fell in love with this waitress and changed both of their lives in the process.

I kind of wish someone would say something like that to me and mean it.

I know that from the gospel perspective I shouldn't worry about those things, since I'll have a wife in the eternities and everything will be fine and dandy... covered in peaches and cream. But its just not enough.

When I think about all the things which I'd have to give up to have someone say and think the above about me, it is scary. But I am also scared of my future in general. I just want to have a good life full of happiness. Right now, I can only remember a few recent times where I was truly happy in that moment.

I know I'm poetic and sentimental. But I believe that there is true happiness in life which can be found with a loving relationship regardless of gender. I just don't know if I'll ever have that in life.

Underappreciated

Sometimes I feel under-appreciated. With all the work that I do, and all the things I feel like I've sacrificed, I feel like I don't get the attention or affection I deserve.

We're on this earth just for one lifetime. That lifetime should be full of love.

And the gospel doesn't really bring me a lot of comfort anymore.

Does anyone wish... ?

... that you had a crystal ball to tell you the results of making big changes.

For example, "If you go down this path in life, this will be the result. If you go down this other path, this will be the other result."

It would allow for easier decision-making choices. Its too hard to make difficult decisions when I'm at an intersection of emotions, feelings and faith.

Its hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off.

I have to think about a lot of things for which I am uncertain. And I don't think that prayer is always going to fix if I'm praying for things which might not go forward with the gospel's plan.

New Normal

So I watched the pilot for The New Normal, a show about two gay men who are going to be fathers via surrogacy. I loved it. Of course, I loved it. It made me laugh at times. The couple is relatively believable. The character of Nana couldn't have been more racist, rude and obnoxious.

So of course I loved her.

KSL, a church owned affiliate of NBC, wouldn't air the show. Is it me or are they just looking for ways to get upset? Here's a show which is cute and innocent and yet people get ticked off because its about two men. If it was a man and a woman, I'm sure some orthodox Mormons would be upset because the church actually has taught against surrogacy.

Of course, I already have a friend who said she'd be a surrogate for me for way less than an adoption would cost. I haven't decided yet if I'd do it, but I would be very much tempted to go ahead with it as a plan if I had the money.

I started working on some of the adoption fundraising website planning. I found some great images from friends. I'm hoping to get something started relatively soon. I'd love to think I had things started.

Maybe my choice to start a family as a single LDS man will become a "new Normal" in LDS culture. Maybe I'll spark others to do the same thing.

Its a cute show. I really relate to the main character.

Social Awkwardness

Social awkwardness is something which affects a lot of people including myself. I've never been popular and never claim to be.

From the time I was about 7 until I was 16 I was painfully shy. Like, I'm not just saying that I was shy ... I was nearly irreversibly shy, especially in social situations. I hardly spoke a word in school. I kept to myself and just painted or drew pictures. It caused a huge inferiority complex to develop in me.

A few weeks ago, a friend took me to dinner where another friend wondered (later on) if I have a form of autism called asperger's... My niece has this issue. It was almost rude of this other person to assume that I had some sort of disease simply because I wasn't tuning into a conversation of which I had little to add to it---it dealt with philosophy and such... of which I am by no means an expert. So instead I just sat and thought things to myself. He commented that I don't look people in the eye---I RARELY look people in the eye. Why? Because I'm a bit awkward in social situations. Why? Because I spent most of my childhood in silence as I had no friends or people to talk to.

It makes me uncomfortable to look people in the eye. I only look people in the eye after I get comfortable with them, which sometimes takes weeks. I certainly wouldn't look someone in the eye or engage them in a long conversation after knowing them just a few minutes. Why? Because I'm socially awkward.

So when I'm uncomfortable in a social situation---which regularly occurs---I tend to be quiet. Why? Because I resort back to my childhood way of coping which is sitting in silence. Its embarrassing that as a 30 year old, I still have difficulty expressing myself or finding value in myself.

I do not have asperger's syndrome. I am just a little socially awkward from having a painful childhood.

How to not be with you...

Sometimes when I cannot say things in an email which is unsent I represent my feelings through a song. Which I didn't write but which speaks volumes of my heart. 

HOW TO NOT BE WITH YOU LYRICS.

I am walking home from the subway stop
Lights keep changing but I just stand and watch
I should know what’s wrong
Like I should know which way to go
I should hurt less
And I should remember my way home
But I don’t
I can’t see now that you’re not walking next to me

I don’t know how to not be with you
I don’t remember where I’m from
Know your touch, know everything you do
Well, I know everything except how to not be with you

Hands out and head bowed, I am still waiting for you
You keep on changing
I’m not through
I should hold my ground
I should have nothing to say
Should you reach for me
I should run my heart away
But i won’t
I’m not free
I’m not a lot of things I used to be, baby

I don’t know how to not be with you
I don’t remember where I’m from
Know your touch, know everything you do
Well, I know everything except how to not be with you

If I had not followed you, would I know my way out?
Because I let you lead me home and I can’t find it now
I don’t know how to not be with you
I don’t remember where I’m from
I know your touch, know everything you do
Well, I know everything except how to not be with you
Hands out and head bowed, I am still waiting for you
Hands out and head bowed, I am still waiting for you
I don’t know how
Hands out, head bowed
Hands out, head bowed
I’ll be waiting for you

Writing my thoughts in an unsent email

I wrote a long email explaining a lot of my conflicts with the LDS church, the gospel, being gay, and wanting love in an email.

Its in my drafts folder.

No one will likely ever read it.

Why? Because it is far too personal. I don't even think I would want to share it with the Savior although He knows how I feel. It is almost a shaming factor. I don't want to admit that I feel differently from how I used to feel.

I love the gospel, but I love the touch of a man's skin too. I love to be loved. I don't always feel loved. I wish I didn't feel conflicts. I wish I was always happy and at peace.

I wrote a lot of things down to tell certain individuals in my life, but I could never tell them. Ever. Its too personal. Its too wracked with emotions. Its too raw.

Some things are better left unsent.

Different in the same ways... dangers of labeling

"That is so gay!"

We've all heard this being said. Sometimes it will be between two gay friends chatting and it is referring to the other one's love of Judy Garland. Between friends, this might be done in jest to lighten the mood. It is almost symbolic of acceptance as "That is so gay!" is more camaraderie. I have a good friend, who I shall call Rafiki to keep his privacy, with whom we joke about some of the gayer aspects of life. I love sewing, although I'm a novice. I love cooking and watching showtunes. If someone who is a friend tells me with a laugh "That is so gay" it makes me smile. If Rafiki said that, I'd laugh and love it because we are mutually accepting of one another. It can be very positive. "I think what you do is a stereotypical gay thing, but I accept and love you!" However, more sinister people might use it as a derogatory exclamation meaning it is a negative thing.

Sometimes you might want to be affectionate with a male friend in public but have fears of hearing "That is so gay!" followed by swearing or even confrontational situations. That is a negative.

Some people who would use it in a negative way might even say that calling someone gay is normal since those individuals are "not normal."

It is a very limiting situation and keeps distance between the two groups.

Such is the case in the Moho community with gay vsa ssa, in my opinion.

People can argue about it to the day their skin turns purple and they have to be rolled out of the room by Oompa Loompas. Some get offended being called one of the other. Some will fight you on the label. Personally, I try to avoid labeling myself as much as possible so as not to limit myself.

We generally think we have two "groups" within Mohos.

First, we have the church oriented types.

Second, we have the "gays"---those who have gone inactive and don't keep a church perspective.

These two groups are polar opposites, right? They're very polarizing ends of the spectrum.

Here are some examples, and decide from each which is the "Churchy-one" and which is the "Gay." I will call them "Gay" so I can differentiate. A "Gay" person is someone not church oriented anymore.

Person 1: Loves to dance, has been in competitions his whole life. Was on the dance team at BYU and won some competitions. Speaks several foreign languages. Has lots of "gay" friends. Served a mission. Has been known to frequent gay clubs with some of his friends from BYU. Loves to work-out and go swimming at the beach.

Person 2: Didn't serve a mission. Loves to garden. Spends time with his friends. Frequents gay clubs. Loves musicals. Has crushes on those with accents. Nearly always impeccably dressed and loves to do new things with his hair.

Person 3: Prefers to spend his time in a library reading books on Chaucer and Shakespeare to going to clubs. Has a really weird fashion sense. Cannot tolerate musicals most of the time. Prefers foreign films and classical music.


Which is which?

Person 1: A heterosexual man I knew at BYU.
Person 2: A Church-Oriented Homosexual I knew back at BYU.
Person 3: A "Gay" Man I knew at BYU.

None of the three read this blog.

It is hard to tell which is which from the description I provided. Sorry, I had to include the heterosexual to prove my point: We're all different in very much the same ways.

What do I mean by that statement? We're all unique individuals, but we as Human Beings tend to share things in common with others regardless or orientation or their chosen label. If we decide based on their label to disassociate with that person, we could easily be at a loss. What if that person could add to our lives in a positive way? If someone is not active in the church, does it discredit him or her from being able to help YOU live the gospel or offering help to YOU on your own spiritual journey?

Just because someone is church-oriented doesn't mean they shun clubbing. Just because someone doesn't go to clubs or have wild sex lives.

Human beings are quick to provide labels and assign associated behavior to that label. I know a lot of active LDS guys who go to church and do their best but they're gay and use that term. I met a guy who had SSA but used that label to hook-up with others. One label doesn't prove anything about the person.

We're all the same in different ways.

OCD and Stress

For me, being obsessive compulsive and having stress do not work. At all. Since I obsess over every little detail in my life.

For the past week, I haven't been able to sleep. I need a new mattress. I am waiting for a check from a client in order to pay for it. My back really kills every night from waking up in horrible positions. Honestly. It is hell to go to bed.

And then to top it off, I have my big test on Saturday. And still client work to do. I don't know when I'll be able to finish it all. I have to plan it out, I guess, and figure out which client work I can finish and what I cannot... and then go from there. It really sucks.

Adding to the stress, I wonder if I'm cut out for the church in the long run. Its funny because I'd feel so much more free with discussing my adoption plans if I wasn't active in the church. It would screw with my career plans, in a sense, but not necessarily long-term. Since I'm a temp (aka slave) so it wouldn't matter anyway. I am unemployed once November comes around.

I'm just stressed and need to blow off some steam. Anyone have any ideas? I need a sauna, spa, massage and facial. Never had one before but the fluffy robes would be nice.

Obsessive Compulsive and Me

I'm a little OCD at times. I was diagnosed at BYU by my therapist who asked me---point blank---"Do you think its normal what you do?" to which I replied, "Yes, doesn't everyone count their steps and walk in patterns? Then obsess over what people think of them?"

He said calmly "No, especially if it affects your daily life."

Well, in my case it did. I used to be obsessive over my appearance. Ironically, I believed my whole life I was ugly until much later in life, then became obsessed with the idea of beauty and being attractive... but it was always contingent on my following rules. No sweatshirts, no bright colors, no baggy jeans, no polo shirts, no this, no that...

I had long lists of rules. All the time. Rules I lived by.

Confessions over my life with patterns...

I really did used to walk in patterns. I like to count my steps to be in patterns. I love even numbers. I love odd numbers when arranging things. (i.e. Three flowers in a vase are better than 2) I love the numbers 24 and 26 since they're round and easily divided when walking city blocks. I don't care for math but I will walk in patterns, divide the numbers, figure out a pattern, and use it.

Sometimes I obsess over being a failure.

I have an addictive personality, which combined with OCD isn't good. I'd probably become a sex addict if I gave into those thoughts and ideas. I'd probably also use drugs and not be able to stop if I did.

Right now I obsess over figuring out my life. And nothing seems to be working into place. Sigh.

Sometimes OCD is hard.

I have a few friends who can talk me out of my OCD thought patterns. Sometimes I obsess so much over money, stress, work, life, etc. that I don't sleep since my mind turns those thoughts over and over and over again. Until they eventually wear me out mentally.

Yeah, OCD sucks.

Wondering...

Yesterday I did some of the Parade of Homes here in Utah. Basically for nerds like myself, it is basically real estate pornography. Very addicting to take a look at all of the houses and my mouth just utters gasps every time I walk into a new home.

It got me thinking: Do I really have my life planned out or am I just kind of living it right now? Is my plan in my life really what I want...? Do I want to be church-oriented or be free from those mindsets?

I'm so confused this week. Compounded by stress, overwork, no sleep, and I'm concerned for a test I take this Saturday which will help influence my future. Sigh.

Anyone out there want to give me a super big hug? Volunteers will be accepted. As long as you're not creepy. :)

Helping others...

Recently some friends got into a discussion on facebook about a silly topic which has got me thinking. The conversation was about the ideals of philanthropy in Africa: How bringing clothing to the poor there doesn't help them in the long run. How hand-outs give little good. Educational opportunities are more important. Helping build up the local economy is more important. etc. How "The Gap" wouldn't be able to anything by giving the poor t-shirts.

Normally when faced with mild confrontation to my ideals, I would experience doubt. This time, I didn't have any. These friends, who I admire for their intelligence and intellectual abilities, did little to convince me that what I'm planning on doing is a bad thing.

I'm going to adopt from the Congo even if it takes me years. I will bring supplies to the children in the orphanage where he comes from. They will get food, clothing, and books. I will bring them a little bit of hope, I feel, by showing them that someone cares. If I have to spend an afternoon there hugging children and playing soccer with them, so be it.

In an ideal world, we'd not have poverty or a need for adoption except in extreme circumstances. We live in an imperfect world where people are literally starving to death. Children in the Congo are dying of malaria which could be cured for a few dollars of over-the-counter medication. Children in orphanages are "guaranteed" a small meal everyday. However, the meal is void of most of the minerals and nutrients they should be getting. Many of them don't have clothes to wear. Instead they were rags covered in dirt, feces or urine as some of the children don't have access to clean water for baths. In the Congo, this is the case in many of the orphanages. The children don't get baths or hugs. No one reads to them at night. No one cares for them. When they die, they are just a statistic.

THAT is revolting to me. Children need hugs, long chats with parents who love them, clothes to wear, food to eat, etc.

This is what I know: Children are DYING. I can do something about it. I'm not going to let intellectual idealism prevent me from making a difference. If people want to do more than what I can do by getting a school in the Congo started: fantastic! I don't have the knowledge or skills or resources to do so. But in the meantime, knowing that a few hundred dollars could buy enough food to feed those kids a month or two... I will do that. I will hopefully save some lives in the process.

I don't need to be an intellectual to change someone's life. I can just be a Mormon gay boy who has a big heart and a self-motivated desire for change.

2007 vs. 2012

This is a rework of the original blog.

An explanation... I found this list in 2007 and posted it to my blog where I started responding to the questions. I deleted my original responses, sadly, but I am going to reconstruct them with ideas and thoughts present in my mind then to compare with how I view the world and sexuality\attractions now. I published this original post with a different introduction this morning. Then Trev seemed interested in my responses so I thought I'd rewrite to include a 2007 and a 2012 response. 

These are not all my original words from 2007. I deleted those the other day, but I remember the ideas represented in my mind at that time. Remember this is back when I was at BYU. My blog was very different then. I reviewed some of my blog posts from that time to get the feel for my thinking back then.

Remembering some of the painful parts of my BYU days was a little healing. The feeling of being rejected by my peers--including the Mohos---was horrible to think about. It has made me who I am today.

So for your reading pleasure, I give you the 2007 and 2012 Post-it Boy Responses to the same questionnaire. 2007 was written today but with answers reminiscent of the 2007 thinking and mentality I'd had.

1. Can SSA/homosexuality be completely overcome?

2007: I think it can be overcome in different ways. I'm currently going to therapy. My therapist is awesome and he is helping me to see that I just need a change in perspective. He is a cognitive therapist and it has been helpful for me to meet with him. He's helped me overcome my depression issues---he's also helped me become more open to the idea of dating since he told me that its all a matter of perspective. I don't need to be really strongly sexually attracted to women to be married. So in a way, they can be overcome.

2012: No, I don't think so. I think that there are ways to learn to control your urges and sexual drive. I think there are ways to overcome addictions associated with it. But the feelings and emotions are always there. If I got married, I'd be a gay man who was married to a woman I wasn't attracted to. I don't believe in change therapies. 

2. Is it necessary to understand where my SSA comes from before I can deal with it, or is it possible to just accept that I have these feelings and then deal with them?

2007: I think that the causes are shown in a lot of the classes I've gone to with Evergreen Conferences. Some people have weird views about it. But generally most books talk about it coming from experiences we've had as children---not getting enough love---having a distant father and such. I can kind of relate to those ideas but I was never abused as a kid.

2012: Don't think it matters where it comes from anymore. The gospel nor science has given us that answer yet. I support organizations like Evergreen but I don't think anyone has all of the answers---at least no one on this earth.

3. Is it possible to deal with SSA without help from others? If not, where do I go for help?

2007: Build a support network of active LDS guys with good standards. Its not easy to do alone.

2012: Find supportive friends. Find people who will support you in your decision whatever that is. If you want to remain in the church, find friends who will support your decision. And no, I think working through it alone is a mistake.

[Basically I would have said the same thing in 2007 as I said in 2012. But I am more open to non-LDS friends who will support me now---back then I thought anyone outside of the church wouldn't be supportive.]

4. Is being in a relationship before getting a better understanding of all of this going to be helpful or harmful (also thinking about the other person)?

2007: Being in a relationship will probably ruin your life so stay away from it. Being involved in gay things will be damaging to you. Its better to be away from all of that stuff.

2012: I think that desiring to experiment is normal. But keep in mind once you open those doors, you might not want to close them.

5. What is the influence of acting out on my same sex attractions while dealing with SSA - do I start with obedience to the law of chastity, or is that something that can come later?

2007: The law of chastity is the only option. If you divert from that path, it will be too damaging to you. Stay away from all of the influences which will be negative to your journey. I had my first kiss with a guy last year---he was just a friend. I also had my first kiss with a girl last year too. They were very different. Its better to avoid all of that though. Its too dramatic.

2012: I think it is harder to remain chaste once you've experimented around a bit. Even just kissing men CAN be hard to not do once you've done it. Also, it doesn't feel the same to kiss women (I've kissed a few and I might as well be kissing a lamp-post!) Kissing men is far more exciting, for sure. As soon as I kissed men and then kissed women, I knew deep down I could never be married to a woman. If I look back and could cancel that aspect, I might enjoy kissing women more since I wouldn't have anything to compare it to. But, oh well... I would rather cuddle with my dog than a woman.

6. Should I seek contact with other people experiencing SSA or should I focus on good and meaningful relationships with straight people?

2007: Straight friends are harder to come by. I don't have a lot of people to talk to at BYU. I tried making friends with some Mohos but I got rejected by a lot of them. I have only been invited to hang out at BYU by a few people---one Moho and I hung out but then he decided it was too weird or something. So he unfriended me on Myspace. I probably have better friends with straight women than Mohos. I have some good roommates though. I had a moho roommate when I started at BYU but now he's gone and its probably for the best---he and I are not really friends anymore.

2012: I think you should focus on both. :) I think having friends in both realms is important. Keeps a balance. I have straight and gay friends in and out of the church.

[My time at BYU was very painful with friendships. I didn't have a lot of friends. Most Mohos seemed to not like me back then since I was seen as a religious zealot. When in actuality, I was just as confused as anyone else and wanted desperately to connect with people.]

7. Should I focus on developing deeper relationships with women?

2007: Girls are some of the only friends I have. I just make it clear I don't date and usually they're cool with it---girls are some of the only people who will talk to me at BYU. :(

2012: Sure! Doesn't mean you'll become a straightie... but it might help you to have good strong female friends. 

8. Are there any other issues I should address if I want to fully address SSA? What are they?

2007: I think you need to examine your life and maybe try to fill in some needs wherever possible. Maybe see if there's places you need to work on? Do you have traumatic experiences from childhood? Did your father leave you emotionally\physically\etc. and that is causing you trouble? Talk to a therapist about it. The Conferences talk a lot about that kind issue.

2012: I think you should see if there are other things in your life like depression, anxiety, OCD, Bipolar, unhealthy attachments, molestations in your childhood, etc. which need to be talked about and dealt with during your therapies... even more so than the attractions part of therapy. 

9. Is SSA a sexual thing or is it a matter of underlying issues?

2007: Its a sexual thing which is a side result of underlying issues, whatever they are.

2012: Its a human thing. I don't think I have underlying issues which caused it. 

10. Would I be able to develop heterosexual attractions towards women? (Can I change the fact that a woman has to be drop dead gorgeous before I'm even remotely attracted to her, while even an average looking guy immediately seems to attract my attention?)

2007: I've met a lot of guys who are married and its a cool concept to me. Is it possible for me? I hope so!

2012: Is it possible? Sure. But I've never seen it happen to me, and I was even in LOVE with a woman and wasn't sexually into her at all. I've never seen any changes in my sexual preference. If anything, I've just changed my focus to building a family and making a difference to orphans in developing countries.
 
11. Is the answer found in developing deeper relationships with men or maybe with one man in particular, and then finding out the nature of the needs that are met?

2007: I think I'm kind of like a broken vase where I have to hide the crack against the wall. I definitely have things I need to work on.

2012: I think we all have unmet needs---but don't think they caused the attractions necessarily. 

12. What can contribute to my motivation to deal with this (which ever way it goes) and not give up?

2007: You have to stay strong because there are all sorts of bad temptations out there. Stay strict to the rules. Be strong against temptation! It'll get you in the end if you're not careful. Keep a gospel perspective.

2012: Faith in the gospel. Not wanting to hurt your family will only last so long. In fact, most of my friends who just want to avoid hurting their families have left the church. Not wanting to be gay will only last so long. Since when people find out that gay people are not like the scum of the universe we're initially taught, we might realize that they're not so different from mohos with the same attractions who just don't act on them. Hating yourself won't be a motivating factor at all. Hating "gay people" will not motivate for long either. Any kind of hate is ridiculous. It usually is a result of fears.

Most people get worn down even when they have a strong testimony. If you want to stay in the church, you need to realize its imperfections but remain with your testimony. In 2012, I am shocked to say that I think church leaders go about this in the wrong way. 

13. How will I know the right answers to some of the yes or no questions?

2007: Prayer. 

2012: Follow your heart. Best I can say. :) 

Grabbing a bull's balls...

... Anyone remember that reference from Never Been Kissed? "I can grab a bull's balls!" Josie Grossie, we love you!
Anyway, going back to what I was originally intending to post...

I've decided to take charge of my Loans really powerfully. I am making a $2000 payment this month. Which is huge. But it will be worth it in the long run. I have a few more minor paychecks coming in, and when those do come, I will make payments on all my debts. Just to get rid of them.

It feels so good. You have no idea.

I'm tired of having my loans dictate my life. I don't want anything or anyone to control my life except for me. Until those are paid off, I'm a slave to them.

Screw you UHEAA! Right now I pay a couple dollars a DAY with interest. Screw them! I'm taking back my life and my plans for being a dad.

Ridiculous

I hate being jealous over friends who have a more exciting life than I do. I am alone on another Friday night with no one to talk to. I suppose I should be happy my friends are having fun. But I feel like a loser with nowhere to go and no one to talk to.

You'd think I'd be used to this by now.

I declare...

... that I shall do my best to not let what others say about me or think about me influence my own self-worth.

... that if someone isn't supportive of my adoption plans, that they will be the ones losing out on what should be, and is, a very sacred and special relationship and situation.

... that if I am all alone with no one to talk to, that it will be okay. Since I have myself and I am the most dedicated person to my own life.

... that I will continue on my path in life, as strange and confusing as it is, knowing that it will ultimately bring me some sort of happiness. Even if I feel alone when I'm surrounded by people.

When I think...

... of all the pain I've suffered at the hands of church members and Utah culture through insensitivity, I wonder why I still have anything to do with either?

Utah has adoption laws in place to prevent children from finding parents. This is directly in connection with legislators who believe that single people and gay people are incapable of raising children and being productive members of society. Very few states have anti-gay adoption laws, but there are some. Utah is known for crazy adoption laws and essentially stealing babies to put into homes through LDS Family Services. Yep, its true. Google it.

But then when there's someone like me who would be happy to adopt a child who is now home-less and family-less, who doesn't care about their age, and actually would love to work with kids in foster care. And then because I get excited when a tall, dark and lean man walks by, I'm an unfit parent? Its based solely on stupidity. And bigotry. And basically, a lot of people who don't know what they're talking about.

While dozens of children sit waiting for homes they'll likely never get in Utah.

A lot of people say insensitive things about gay people---thinking that we're not capable at child-rearing. Or that we're sexually promiscuous. Or that we're bad influences on children or others around us.

Its ridiculous. WHEN will Utah grow up and realize that kids need homes? I wouldn't be looking to spend 30K if I thought that I'd have a snowball's chance to adopt here in Utah through Foster Care. Ridiculous.

Am I the only one?

... who ever has doubts? I sometimes think I'm one large doubtful person. I doubt my future, I doubt everything.

Right now I'm just wondering when, if ever, my life will improve. I put these large dreams out there hoping to reach them but feel like its almost hopeless at times.

Maybe some of my dreams will come true.

Quiet...

I am an opinionated person, but sometimes I remain quiet about my feelings. So I can relate to this song. I am sometimes too nice and allow myself to be trampled on. I guess that's why even at age 30, I still haven't figured out my own role and importance in loving relationships.

This is an amazing song's lyrics. Search for it on Youtube. The best version is a singer named Tituss Burgess who gives me chills every time he opens his mouth.

Quiet by Jonathan Reid Gealt

What's the perfect balance
Between yelling too much
Or not yelling enough
So that people don't walk over you?
Is it a crime to just want to be nice?
To avoid confrontation
And show everyone a little respect?

Time after time
I find that I'm struggling
To tell you
What's burning inside
A glimmer of hope
That you'll finally see..
Yet I remain quiet.

Look at my face
Don't you dare turn away
'Cause I'm losing my patience
Show me now you're the man
that I want to be with
for the rest of my life
I have so much love to give you
Just open up your eyes
And you'll see

Time after time
I find that I'm struggling
To tell you
What's burning inside
A glimmer of hope
That you'll finally see...
Yet I remain quiet

I can't remain quiet anymore
No I was not built
To idly stand here
Letting you make my decisions
Based upon your point of view
You never allowed me
My own freedom
Well hear me now!

Show me now you're the man
that I want to be with
for the rest of my life
I have so much love to give you
Just open up your eyes
And you'll see

Time after time
I find that I'm struggling
To tell you
What's burning inside
A glimmer of hope
That's you finally see...
Still I remain...
Yes I...
I...
Can't remain quiet
Quiet.

I respond so well to showtune-type songs. They express what I'm feeling more than I can put into words myself. I know, I'm such a Pixie. But you love it. :)