Confession: I love to daydream.
I like to think about my future and think of all the things I want to do in life. All the places I want to go. All the dreams I've had.
For the last few months, I've thought a lot more about having a special guy to bring home at Christmas or Thanksgiving---someone who'd be excited for our future and supportive of me. I dream about that perfect little house with my 2-3 kids. I picture being the cool dad who knows how to cook any food the kids would want---bake all the cookies... teaching them to garden, paint, draw... teaching them to ride a bike and swim...
And I always imagined I'd have a partner to do it with. Someone who'd treat me special, love me no matter what and who I'd enjoy going to bed with at the end of the day.
Now I realize more and more that I am consistently disappointed with my life and that I'm probably not good in romantic situations. I don't see how or why anyone would choose me.
There's been a few times in my life when I thought I'd finally get my Cinderella-Prince Charming situation. Every time I've been disappointed in the long run.
So maybe that house with the kids and teaching them all those great things will be headed by a single dad without romantic attachments? It might be easier than daydreaming of a future with some guy who'd really love me---someone who'd love me, and the church, even if we didn't live it strictly.
I always dreamed my life would be so different from this hell I'm living. So different now from what it seems. Now life has killed the dreams I dreamed.