Wednesday, December 26, 2007


I was speaking to my mother the other day and she told me something which was a little surprising but also comforting.

We were talking about same-gender attraction. Using code words so that in case anyone overheard, nobody could understand. She told me something shocking...

"I have never once cried about those feelings."

She's never cried over my same-gender attraction issues. She has had concerns for my well-being but never enough that she had resorted to crying.

It was comforting to me knowing that my mother is alright with this issue. So why should I ever cry over something like this?

I'm glad that 99% of the time I'm okay with it too.

Friday, December 21, 2007

A "curing" sort of Love

I don't say cure in the sense that many of you are thinking. I don't see same gender attraction as having a cure. To me, that sounds first like there's something WRONG with me medically... and nothing is wrong with me. I'm not a cracked mirror or a broken vase which can be fixed with glue.

The cure I am talking about is a diminishing level of temptation. NOT a diminishing level of attractions to that person necessarily.

When I moved into my first college apartment, I'd never lived with non-relatives before. I'd also never been away from home for that long, nor lived in the state or in such a Mormon atmosphere. I lived with 5 other guys. At first, I was very awkward about it because I'd never had guy friends and I was worried that maybe one of them would pick up on the clues about my behavior or something... Not a flamer but I have some Moho traits. :)

I eventually have lived with about 30 roommates. I counted them once and counted remember all the names. That is what happens when every four months you sometimes get 2-3 different roommates. At BYU I've had somewhere around 14 roommates in 2 years. Pretty crazy, huh?

I have been attracted to some. However, the attraction diminished as I got to know and respect them. I lived with one particular hottie who was rather "dreamy." I did walk in on him once changing and while I didn't see anything beyond his naked body from the side (no frontal---seriously was an adonis like Greek side statue pose) it wasn't a temptation for me to have thoughts of him linger in my mind. Why? Because I loved him and I thought of him very highly. The temptation to let those thoughts linger had left the equation. Granted, he likes girls so short of my having VERY powerful seductive powers, I think he would have been safe.

It brings me to my next point about loving someone enough that there is a "cure."

We've been discussing the whole non-sexual Moho relationships here as a form of balancing one's life with the gospel. And I do still stand by the fact that if two Moho's are on the same church activity level, it is possible. But ... that's for another post.

Someone asked "Well, wouldn't living with a Moho cause issues?" In my case, no. I've lived with two Moho's. Never kissed either. Not even a peck on the cheek. I respected them too much. And I know both found me attractive---but who wouldn't??? just teasing.

Anyway, I think that if you love someone---TRULY love that person---you will be able to overcome temptation thoughts and behaviors and be supportive of each other.

I say this from personal experience. I think that its possible to love someone enough that you want that person in the celestial kingdom with you--not as husband and husband---but just to be able to spend eternity knowing they were able to achieve that glory. I think you can love someone enough that temptation leaves and can be replaced by a feeling of more support, affection, etc. You love the person enough that you don't want that person to stray from the gospel.

ANOTHER thought... What if you could love yourself enough you wouldn't want YOU to suffer through a lower kingdom? Do you love yourself enough that you'd want to do everything you could to let yourself go to the highest kingdom. No matter what challenges you have in this life?!?!!

Post-It Boy

Friday, December 14, 2007

A Brand New Day!

I'm currently listening to "Brand New Day" from the movie The Wiz. Its such a fun song. If I ever kill the wicked witch of the West in a movie, I hope to sing and dance to it.

But I'd never kill Elphaba. :)

Does anyone appreciate me mixing musical references?

Okay... So Abelard Enigma brought up the Family Ward vs. Singles Ward issue.

I've thought about this before. If I were to live in this non-sexual but caring and supportive relationship situation with a Moho, would I want to live in a Family Ward or a Singles Ward?

I guess it depends on the ward. Would two guys living together who didn't date really get noticed that much in a Singles Ward? I might be checked out on occasion by the random hotties (men and women) on campus, but I am not someone usually sought after. Maybe its the fact that my major keeps me so busy. However, I don't really see living in a Singles Ward as being a bad thing. Nor a good thing. It could potentially get annoying if some girl decides she's in love with me and pursues me.

However, any female admirers of mine usually get turned off when I express no interest or bring up the fact I am not a returned missionary.

In a Family Ward, there's ALWAYS going to be the Match-makers. The types who'd always have a niece or granddaughter to set you up with. And despite how fashionably dressed I am at church, people still never pick up on the clues of which sex I'm attracted to---and as I'm a nice young man, I get lots of ladies wanting me to date their daughters. It comes with the territory. I doubt they'd do the same if I expressed interest in dating their hot college aged sons though. LOL. I'm just teasing! I swear!


I think I'd have enough acceptance in either type of ward that I'd be just fine.

In every LDS ward, there will be some opposition. And undoubtedly some rumors. However, if I'm doing my best, I think people will be able to see that.

Personal Experience: I found out about two years after I moved out of an apartment that basically all my roommates had questioned my sexuality. However, they never openly asked me or each other really. They all respected me and could see I was doing the right thing in life. I was active in the church and a very good person. So they never worried about me or felt any need to question me.

Aren't those the types of friends I'd want over the busy-bodies anyway?

And it would take more than a few prejudiced members to get me to stop going to church. In fact, I don't think anything would stop me going. I live in Utah. I can just change wards if I'm in a "bad one".

I'm thinking I might share some personal experiences and insight in regards to sexual temptations to men being diminished because of love, if anyone is interested. I brought it up in the comments on my last blog.

Finally! Cool Roommate is out of the Shower so I can go to a Christmas Party. I'm bringing homemade peanut butter-oatmeal cookies. Yummmy! I'm like a male Martha Stewart but I have a soul... :)

Queer Eye for the Post-It Guy

My blog has been boring. I needed a makeover. So I quickly changed the colors. Its way too gay of a combination.

Anyone has any suggestions for making it more masculine? I love cool colors like blues and lilacs but they're not very masculine.

I really need to get my own blog designer!

Celibacy Question

Celibate: One who abstains from sexual intercourse, especially by reason of religious vows.

On my last blog in the comments, someone asked what I meant by celibate.

I consider myself a liberal conservative. That being said, I don't think there's anything wrong with male-to-male forms of affection. I'm not talking about sex here, I'm talking about affection. Things like cuddling, hugging, arm around the shoulder, etc. I do this with my guy friends. I don't hold hands with friends in public, nor would I ever consider kissing one in public. Except perhaps if it was a foreign country and I was with a really hot rich guy. Just teasing!

Anyway, that being said...

Here's a scenario: Two men, active in the church, abstain from sexual relations (thus allowing them to be following church guidelines--no sex outside of marriage and no marriage between two men) who are living together to provide companionship and support with them AS members of the church. There is no outward sign of homosexuality. (No pecks on the cheek in priesthood or holding hands during sacrament meeting. LOL. Imagining that right now and its a funny mental image.) However, neither date women due to lack of interest in marriage. And both are committed to their covenants. AND, I might add, both have temple recommends.

1) Would you have a problem seeing this occurring in your ward?

2) Do you think this might be an alternative for Moho guys who want to be in the church but also desire some form of male companionship?

The reason I ask this is that I have had numerous friends tell me in the past that they have no alternative in the church but to be alone. Some Mohos find a wife and are content, or become content through trial and error and basically learning to cope with life and marriage. However, for the majority, I know that many are not interested in marriage.

To me, marriage is a passing parade float. Interesting to look at from afar but I am not mesmerized by the thoughts of it for long. Just floats on by and I don't think I missed too much.

I want to be in the church more than anything. I don't want to be married. (I considered it at one point with my ex-girlfriend but it was disastrous and she was the only woman I'd ever see myself marrying, despite no physical attraction to her.)

But I don't want to be alone either.

I know LOTS of guys out there feel the same way. I hate being alone for too long. An empty home is not a home to me. It needs life.

The appearance of sin, if that is the issue here, would also deny a Moho from living with a female roommate. So, is it one of those "darned" if you do "darned" if you don't ideas?

I don't want to end up like one of those sad, pathetic old anti-mormon gays after a mid-life crisis. And I don't want to kill myself either. Believe me, in a former self than I am now I considered it.

If if is one of those situations where you're screwed either way---not being able to have a male Moho roommate (even though following church rules) OR having a female roommate, then honestly... and I'm not saying I'm leaving the church since I've already stated I will remain... Well, then I honestly can SEE WHY people would flock to leave the church when they realize they're gay\SSA\MOHO. (Many more leave the church than stay in general---as activity levels amongst all members is rather low... but add to it the whole sexuality thing and it seems like activity levels plummet.)

So trying to think about alternatives and ALSO to make people think a bit. Open discussion! Let me know what you think!

Monday, December 10, 2007

More News...

... I found information about an Italian ancestor of mine today. Found a cousin researching him. She gave me more information. Bon Giorno Spaghetti!

Okay, so other than genealogy terms I cannot speak Italian. lol. Giuseppe! Linguini! Fusilli! Penne Al Dente! Olive Garden!

I also downloaded music from Alvin and the Chipmunks today. Along with Little Women the Musical and some stuff from Thoroughly Modern Millie. This adds to my already growing Itunes where I recently downloaded some more Latin music.

Can anyone tell my tastes are eclectic?

I am feeling a bit better today. I have been resting a lot.

I have a lot of work to do tomorrow.

My bedroom is cleaner now. That always makes me feel better. Anyone else feel less stressed when there isn't clutter and junk everywhere? I know I do. I feel like I accomplished something by cleaning my room today.

And a question for the masses: If two men were living together and were celibate, Temple-going and recommended, would you think that their ward members would have a problem with it? Or... would it even really matter what they think because these two men would know that Heavenly Father knew their hearts?

I found some Post-its today. I haven't used them in a long time. I'm going to start again. Please help if I become addicted.

Sunday, December 9, 2007


... I gave a talk in which I mentioned Harry Potter references.

Am I weird?

... Yes.

My talk went well. Considering I couldn't find the article from the Ensign I was supposed to write on. Except by googling it.

Today I've been thinking about how blessed I am. I'm much happier than I used to be. I think I used to be scared of my future.

And while I'm open to many possibilities for my future, I like the idea of having someone to be with me as I experience my life. And not just anyone. I'd like someone who treats me like a lady.

I'm totally kidding. Just seeing if you're paying attention.

Tonight Cool Roommate (my Moho roommate) and I watched Family Stone while we made Christmas cookies. And by "we" I mean that it was me entirely. The cookies were delicious. The movie is still one of my favorites. I watch it every chance I am in a Holiday mood.

Claire Danes is gorgeous in it. As always. I don't know why I find her so pretty.

In the movie, there's a scene in the movie where "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is played while various couples or individuals in the movie are shown. One is the gay deaf son and his black partner. (Talk about basically being outcasts in society...) And the two men are being a little affectionate with each other while walking outside in the snow. Its such great cinematography and such a powerful song that I am moved every time.

And it made me miss this part in my life. I used to have friends with whom I was more affectionate than I am now. I have decided to not be as affectionate with friends as I used to. Its a long story but its partially a promise to a friend of mine. I get a lot of other forms of affection, but less physical kinds of things---touching, hugging, kissing, etc.

I don't regret many of the changes I've made in my life, as I know that they're all for the best. However, I miss that closeness sometimes. It doesn't make me bad to desire that. It just makes me human. Its just that I desire it with a man over a woman.

Its been months since I've been kissed. And it is for the best. I have to save my kisses for special occasions. Or they might become passe. :)

But seriously. I do miss physical closeness sometimes. It doesn't make me weird. It makes me human.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Interesting daydream I had...

I was watching a TV show about lottery winners on TLC. Am I the only one who enjoys shows like that? 13 Social Workers got to split like 225 million dollars.

All of them seemed to waste it on expensive cars. Big houses. Only a few did anything good with it.

When I look at my future, I think "I wouldn't do that..." Sure, I'd probably buy some new clothes. And I'd buy myself a slightly nicer car. Something that isn't 13 years old. I'd get out of student debt and probably not worry about paying for graduate school anymore.

But as I pondered what I would do with it, I realized my future would be similar to my ideal future at this point. It would just take away financial worries, allowing me to do what I'd really like to do...

There's some places I'd love to visit. Places my ancestors lived. Sweden. Scotland. Germany. Italy. (I'm not Italian but who wouldn't want to go there?)

I'd love to go and document the countries and cultures my family comes from. I'd really love to serve a mission. I'd love to do some of my ancestors' names in the temple. Preferably some I'd find myself. Guess I have more to do for that dream though---including learning how I'd locate all my ancestors.

I'd buy a house, of course. Something which isn't a fixer-upper and had enough room for me. And some guest rooms large enough they could stay for as long as they'd like. I'd like to make sure my parents could retire wherever they'd like, preferably near me.

And I'd set up a scholarship at BYU for students like me studying fields which are not particularly lucrative upon graduation. I'd probably also donate money for my major to be expanded because we're the illegitimate step child of three different departments and no one wants us. lol. And unless you know me, you won't know my major.

I'd probably still shop for discounts. In fact, I know I would---because I love a bargain.

My house would actually be the same one I intend to own someday. Somewhere within easy driving distance to Downtown Salt Lake City. For Shows. Temple Work. Research. Enough land for a few fruit trees. I'd still want to learn how to make all food from scratch. I'd still have my dreams of learning how to bottle fruits and preserves and make my own jams.

Do I sound like Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors? I really do want "Somewhere that's Green"... A simple drama-free life.

I sometimes get house guides from the supermarket and shop for homes. Knowing I can't buy them.

I would just have more time to be able to do the things I really want to do. Which interestingly enough are all pivotal to church service. I wouldn't dress any flashier than I do now.

I guess its a nice daydream. What would you guys want if money wasn't an issue?

Chronic Fatigue

I have spoken to a doctor about this. And also my therapist. I think I have chronic fatigue. I think it might be stress induced. I really hate how I feel. I want to cry somedays because of how tired I am.

I had no classes today. I stayed home. I worked on an assignment which I wished I had more time to work on. Its due a week from today. I have another paper due on Tuesday. I want to go home.

When I go home, I will need a lot of sleep. I want to relax and just have fun for a change.

I talked to a friend tonight and it was really nice. However, every time I talk to friends in IM's it distracts me.

Tonight I made a big dinner. Maybe I'm tired because my body is just in need of nutrients. I feel slightly better than yesterday. But I still just want all my classes done.

I don't even enjoy school anymore. I just want to graduate.

Less than five more months.

I have hung out a lot with my friend who I'll call Chiquita. She's a young latina girl. We have a lot in common and we have fun together. We spend up to three days together for school or just hanging out. We had dinner together on Sunday.

I realized she's my only non-MOHO BYU student friend who has wanted to hang out with me more than once a semester.

She's already said she doesn't like me. SO no worries about hurting her feelings ultimately. She deserves someone who isn't quite a "work in progress" anyway.

I'm exhausted. I just want to fall asleep and wake up with no stress.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Role of a lifetime...

You need to listen to Bare: A Pop Opera's song "Role of a Lifetime"... Have I blogged about it before?

Amazing. And I am so retarded I just realized that the lyrics were about a gay couple.

The song is about living a lie. Playing a part. While living behind a smiling face. But being torn on the inside.

I guess it hits me a little hard because recently a friend of a friend committed suicide. I know what its like to feel that desperate to actually hold a knife against my skin... Wanting to die but being snapped back into reality. I cannot speak for this Brother who died as to his reasons. However, I can speak for myself... I hated having to hide, wanting to be perfect, and wishing so desperately for someone to hold me when I cried.

Does it make sense to reprise a role in which one is unhappy---never having any happiness from relationships? No.

I have now since become better from much of my depression. I used to become so lonely that I would cry myself to sleep. It was really horrible.

So I will probably have a roommate to help balance loneliness.

I don't desire a relationship with a woman. I considered having a female roommate but realized that appearances would be bad for that one. I guess because I am more concerned with where my heart is and less about appearances, it had never occurred to me that living with a woman as a roommate might be viewed as inappropriate.

So, what about a male roommate who dealt with SGA?

Would that also be an "Appearance Ruiner"? Would it be less than if I lived with a woman?

Where is when you draw the line at being overly concerned with appearances and more concerned with your activity in the church and where your heart is?

WHY couldn't two men deeply committed to the gospel who also happen to be same-gender attracted live together in harmony with gospel teachings? (We're talking about a roommate non-sexual relationship here...)

The thing is... I would be happy if I just had someone to do things with. If I'm like 75 and single, I wouldn't mind as long as I didn't come home to a house with 12 cats. :)

I just want someone to come home to at night. But... the difference between me and most of the gay community is that I want to be a temple-going Latter-day Saint (usually viewed as a homophobic church.)

I want someone to plant a garden with. To cook dinners with. To help with household chores and to have someone to go on trips with. Is that such a ridiculous concept?

I have been praying about this idea but was curious what others thought.