Monday, November 28, 2011

Confessions and cookie making...

Tonight I made cookies at home and decorated them with icing. Why? Because I was in a festive mood and I'll bring a tray of them to work tomorrow. As I sat and iced the last of my gingerbread men, I thought "These guys are pretty hot..."

Kidding... Just seeing if you're paying attention.

I thought to myself "This is the kind of thing I think kids should be doing!" It made me think of the children who go to sleep on concrete floors, in dirt, who don't have a mother or father who will hug them, kiss them, love them... and who don't have Christmas cookies to look forward to.

Every child should get a chance to make cookies with a loving parent.

Someday archaic places like Utah will realize that single parents, especially men, are potential love-givers and fully capable of helping a child reach his or her full potential. I don't even know women who can bake and cook as well as I can.

More confessions... I'm kind of wondering if I need to start preparing myself now for being a father by maybe trying to get more spiritually in-tune. Its hard when I feel lonely reading the scriptures by myself, go to church by myself, and pray alone. To me, those activities should be done as a family.

Sunday, November 27, 2011


I haven't prayed in a long time. Longer than I care to admit. I don't feel the spirit very much anymore even when I go to church. Maybe its my own fault for not praying or reading the scriptures like I should.

Right now, I feel hurt and abandoned.

Maybe I have no right to feel that way because maybe I'm the one who has cut himself off from God. My lack of faith right now is a culmination of a lot of things. I still have a testimony, but I don't have the faith enough to get out of this rut.

I don't like where I'm at in life. Today I sat at home feeling so tired and sick... but I'm not sure if its a physical sickness or just an exhaustion from all that I have in life. I wonder if I'll ever be able to meet my goals. And if I do, will it be worth all the hassles?

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so alone. Sometimes I wish I'd get someone who'd stop by the apartment just to say hello.

Or maybe feel like... despite all that I've had going on in life, that my Heavenly Father is watching over me. I don't feel his presence around me anymore. Maybe that's why I feel so empty and alone.

Friday, November 25, 2011

My Mom

Recently my mom needed to go on a trip to see her sister but didn't have the money to pay for the ticket: I called her and despite her stubborn insistence I not do it, I bought her the plane ticket.

Today she sent me a text message saying she realizes how important it really was. Only one other sibling had attempted the same idea. And I, being one of the poorest, bought the plane ticket. I didn't tell her that it took half of the money in my bank account. Nor did I tell her that I had planned on using that money to make an extra loan payment to get rid of more of my debt. If I had, she'd have refused the help.

I did that because my mom is one of my favorite people in the world. I've not been able to really show her that before. I knew my mom needed the help, even if she wouldn't admit to it, so I bought the ticket for her.

I remember a few years ago watching Desperate Housewives when Bree abandoned her gay son Andrew on the side of the road. Yes, I'm old-school gay enough to remember names and story lines from past seasons of this show.

It had been about 2-3 years since I'd told my parents about my attractions when the episode aired. I remember feeling like, when I told them, that I'd also be abandoned at the side of the road. Later, I told my mom on Mother's day about this episode and how everyone believes that Bree is this perfect housewife, cook, mother, and neighbor. I told my mom I'd never trade her for Bree. Because even with these perfect qualities, she had trouble accepting her son. My mom... never even saw the clues leading up to it, so when I told her, she was blind-sided!

I would never ever trade my mom for another make or model. :)

So it is for this reason that it kind of pains me to say that while I feel comfortable telling my mom stories about my first kiss, crushes I have on celebrities (a few times I've blurted something out when its just she and I!) and my frustrations with working for an environment with a hostile coworker... I don't feel comfortable talking to her about my family and baby plans.

My mom has already said in the past she'd accept any grandchild who came into this family, regardless of how that child entered it. However, that was years ago when I think she still imagined I'd find a Miss Right and go through the whole temple marriage and having a baby route.

Reactions so far to my adoption and surrogacy plans have been mixed. I've had the "you're going to be excommunicated" discussion. I've even had the "every baby needs a father and mother" speech. I've also had the opposite side of: "You'd be an amazing mother slash father to a baby!"

With all of these varied responses, you'd think it would be simpler to say "Mom, I'm going to have a baby..."

Somehow, its too hard for me. I don't know how I'd take her disapproval.

Saving our Own first?

I've seen the arguments people face single parents looking to start a family through adoption: we should "Save our Own" first.

Meaning, we should adopt from within the USA before going elsewhere.

I can see the logic there. Its important to adopt children from within the Foster Care system within our own country. Its also important to provide homes for children in developing nations who otherwise wouldn't have a home. Which is better? Its hard to say. I think each case is genuinely personal.

If I decide to adopt from the Congo and bring in a child who would likely die without my help, is this a stronger pull than adopting a child from the foster care system in the states who otherwise might not be adopted?

I kind of think so. There are more people adopting children in the USA than in other developing countries. If I was in a position to adopt a child in the USA, I would do it! Sadly, thats not a real possibility for here in Utah since I'm still navigating and learning about the process here. Its sad and unfortunate but some of the rules in Utah are a bit biased and unfair. Favoring typical families to an atypical one.

However, I've had a few people say to me that adopting from outside the USA is selfish and I should be more patriotic and adopt from within. And then I remind them that the purpose of doing this is also to provide a home for a child who wouldn't have one... regardless of where the child is coming from, that child is going to get a home with me if I'm ever given an opportunity.

Monday, November 21, 2011


When I talked to a friend about adopting from Africa, the response was "But it would be a black baby..." as if this was a definitive "Oh wow!" moment...
Of course I know it would be a black baby.
Does it make a difference?

I will never understand people's inability to accept and love someone. Especially a child. Sure, I might be white, but that doesn't mean a dark skinned baby would never accept me as his father. In fact, he probably wouldn't even notice his skin color difference for a while. Children are accepting that way.

I just don't understand it. Where does this feeling of someone being inferior or unequal come from? Thank you Puritan fathers!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I've emailed someone...

... Emailed an adoptions specialist here in Utah about the feasibility of being single and adopting here. Technically, from what I've read in the laws, it appears POSSIBLE although I would have to be living in a home without any other unmarried individuals. Once the adoption was finalized completely, then I could have roommates again if necessary.

I want to know what the logistics would be.

I've actually kind of fallen in love with the idea of adopting from the Congo. The country has millions upon millions of orphans. Some babies are found abandoned in garbage dumps, others turned over to orphanages by living parents who cannot afford them, and others are left orphaned by wars and battles killing entire villages. The place seems very dangerous.

And so I've kind of decided to make it a mission to change one child's life by adopting from there if I can. It costs about 20,000 to adopt a child from the Congo. There is a tax credit which is allowed which would help cover potentially a little over half of that amount---But I think the knowledge that I'd probably be saving a child's life would make it well worth the expense.

Some of the babies I was reading about have had to sleep in cardboard boxes.

If I am ever able to adopt a baby from there, I will do so. And I will try to better the lives of other orphans there.

In order to adopt, one would need to go to the Congo to bring the baby or child home. What if there was a way to bring supplies into the orphanage at the same time? Even a suitcase full of vitamins would probably end up saving lives. Or baby blankets and clothes. I'd probably bring a full suitcase and leave with an empty one. Along with a baby of my own. Formula is one of the hardest things for them to get a hold of, from what I hear.

I wonder if there's something I could do. I really don't know...

Celebrities haven't begun making it popular to adopt from the Congo. So there's not been a big kick in the popularity of the country.

I spoke with an agency in Colorado who would help me adopt from the Congo if I had an approved homestudy. So if I get a homestudy done in Utah, by overcoming the challenges of being a single male here, then I can adopt from there.

Oddly enough, the Congo has a rule about adoptions: Although they don't have post-placement interviews, they keep track of the adoptees for two years in order for the orphanages and agencies to show the government the need to make adoptions of babies and children more prominent. With about 5 million orphans, it is a real need.

So now besides the surrogacy, I have another plan in mind.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Adoption in Utah

I've brought this up recently... and its something which I'm still struggling with.

Why are people so opposed to single-parent adoption? Or to homosexuals adopting?

In my case, I'm an unmarried same-gender attracted guy... But I don't even think of myself as SGA. I think of myself as simply "Post-it Boy"---although I use my own name and not my online identity---

I love children. I had a rough childhood at times and I'd like to fix that for another child... giving a wonderful childhood and growing-up experience. Allowing a child to live a life which I never had. I'm working on building a successful career, saving for a house, and I have a dog. What more could a kid want?

So why in the legal perspective am I unfit to be a father in the state of Utah?

With all my good qualifications leading me to potentially be a wonderful parent and father, why is one---my sexuality---which is not even a large part of my life... where I'm not sexually active... the ONLY thing which is then seen by potential child service workers who would be evaluating my abilities to parent?

"So Post it Boy, you are active in your church... have a stable career... have a loving and supportive family... BUT you like how Orlando Bloom looks in a wet t-shirt so therefore, sorry!"

I mean, come on! What person wouldn't like Orlando Bloom? :)

Anyway, I just don't understand it. Why would ONE quality of mine which is minor and rather insignificant to raising a child be the determining factor? Especially when there are people out there who abuse and don't love their children. Or people who get drunk---their children aren't necessarily taken away even though, to me, drinking is worse than sexuality since even if I WAS sexually active, its not like that would affect my raising a child. Being drunk and hitting a kid? It WOULD affect the raising of a child.

It just boggles my mind. Laws need to change!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


... Sometimes I wish that I was skinnier, until I realize that I am pretty normal and beautiful just like I am. In my own way. :)

... Sometimes I wish I was heterosexual, in a sense, but that I was born that way... because I don't like the idea of my attractions changing. It would be uncomfortable. But then I realize that I would lose out on all the amazing things that my attractions have taught me.

... Sometimes I wish I was more popular and had more people writing to me, calling me, texting me, etc. But then I realize that I have to rely on myself more. And I realized that is a good thing. Post-it Boy can always count on being present with himself.

... Sometimes I wish that adoption in Utah was easier. But then I realize that with all my challenges to get a child, that baby will be more loved than any child has ever had. No one will ever be able to take away my baby since I will be its biological father. Take that Utah!

... Sometimes I wish I didn't have to work so hard. But then I realize that working hard will help me achieve my goals. A means to an end.

... Sometimes I wish that more children around the world had homes. Even a home with one father is better than none.

... But I'm always glad I am me. With all my flaws. :)

Do you have wishes? Do you ever think that challenges sometimes teach us a lot more than we realize?

Monday, November 14, 2011


Those who are attracted to members of the less fair sex---namely mohos, homosexuals, etc.---have issues of finding acceptance from our culture, ourselves, community and even from our Heavenly side of the family. Why is this?

As a child, I never felt like I fit in exactly. I was always different. Regardless of the reasons behind this, it was how I felt. I never felt like I fit in completely. I was always an outcast: I loved to read during lunch while the kids in my class liked to play sports and do things of a more social nature. I don't regret reading as much as I did, since I still love to read. I became smarter because of it. And it developed my love of writing.

However, it was a strange passion to be involved with as a child. I wasn't accepted for it--in fact, I was ridiculed.

As a teenager, I never felt popular and accepted. Although some said I was well-liked by my peers. I just wasn't popular in my mind. I had friends who were jocks, drama club nerds, artists, goths, freaks, Latinos (in my school, they were a seperate distinction since I grew up in a very multi-cultural area!) and even the Born-Again-Christians and nerds were counted amongst my friends.

In college, I gradually became less shy and more sociable and when I was at my first college had lots of friends. When I transferred, I had fewer but still managed to have fun sometimes.

I went through therapy and learned to---hate to say the cliche---to love myself. I accepted my attractions for the first time in my life and realized I wasn't a scourge of the earth.

Sadly, no one had ever told me my worth as a child. No one ever told me of my inner goodness or virtue. Or endless possibilities.

I sometimes am still plagued by a resentment about my attractions: Without them, I'd be a different person. Maybe not better, maybe not worse. But different. I'd be married with children by now.

And, it sometimes is hard to feel loved by our Heavenly family as we don't feel like we belong even to our earthly one.

When we accept ourselves, with all our faults and flaws, positives and rewarding, without condition or shame... THAT is when we'll be who we've always wanted to be.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Is it really right for me?

I have been going back and forth with my activity in NorthStar and Evergreen type activities and involvement... I don't know if its right for me. Or if I would be better off just fading away from all of that. I took a break for a long time and then got recently re-involved and now I'm wondering if its necessary or what...

I don't feel like I ever really fit in no matter where I am. For those friends who know about my future family plans, they think of me as a nice Mormon guy who is wanting to start a family... but adamantly opposed to marriage. (Interesting combination! I'm a unique blend of ironies...)

And some of my friends who do know about my plans have already freaked out on me to the point I am fearful of discussing them anymore openly. Hence why I have resigned myself to mostly discussing it with non-LDS friends (who are all supportive, btw!) and my blog audience.

So really in the NS and EG community, I don't feel like I fit in either since most of the people in those communities will tell me that my future plans aren't right. Or against the church. Or something along those lines. And I'd rather find people who would accept my decision and be willing to talk about it with me---maybe find a place I belong better.

However, as I said, I never feel like I belong. :(

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Natural curls... ?

In Jane Eyre, a young child is criticized for having naturally curly hair---she was seen as vain and punished despite her not choosing to have hair which was like that.

I didn't choose to be with these attractions. I realize that I don't need to act on them... but why is it that I am punished in this life, feeling like an outsider, when I didn't choose this? Do I always have to live my life as if I am looking into a world through a partition or barrier?

I sometimes wish that I'd been born differently... I don't want to "change" how I am now since I'm used to my attractions and have grown accustomed to them. However, I sometimes wish I'd been born differently so that I would have a more normal life---or at least a next to normal sort of life... If my attractions were not there, I would probably be married with children by now. And I'd have served a mission as I wouldn't have had depression, and I would be living a more typical LDS life...

And I wouldn't be an outsider looking in.

Why would Heavenly Father put me in a position where having children will be so difficult when this is one of the strongest desires of my heart?

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Before you read...

... know that I do have a testimony. If I didn't, I wouldn't be blogging at all. I'd be living my life without worrying about my future and the next life and all that jazz.

However, I will state that recently I've been getting emails and seeing blog posts which are excessively preachy. Almost hell-fire and damnation type posts. I won't say that it is wrong for someone to do so, however, it is an annoyance. There's no conversation or growth or development with those posts.

For example, let's say you're having a conversation with someone on ethics or morality... and then someone says a finite statement like "But thats not what the Lord would want... " and then starts quoting scriptures, it is kind of frustrating. I don't usually enter conversations to get one of the gospel Missionary discussions. I am, in fact, already LDS and don't need to hear it.

But if there's a conversation where different ideas are being bounced around in order to help people think and grow and consider other ideas---all within gospel settings of appropriateness... why do some have the need to preach? I don't get it.

I guess I never got into the missionary zeal as I never served a mission so I tend to keep my testimony to myself and to those who observe my life and can SEE I live the standards---not necessarily having to shove it down anyone's throats.

I usually have gospel related discussions where doctrine are discussed---and then other kinds of conversations where the world can be discussed in a frank and open manner in order to help people to grow. There's a TON of same gender attracted people out there who leave the church for one reason or another. What do we do with these types of people? Throw them scriptures every time they talk to us, or do we accept and love them as fellow human beings without excluding them by making them feel worthless for not living up to very difficult standards?

I personally would rather show someone how to live the gospel standards, have SSA feelings, and live happily than preach to them about it.

Sunday, November 6, 2011


Okay, so I know a topic on everyone's mind... or at least on my mind... is the whole reparative therapy\conversion therapy ideas so present on the blogosphere.

I personally do not choose to go to therapy groups anymore. For a variety of reasons. I love and support organizations like NorthStar and Evergreen. However, I don't go to their meetings anymore... I don't do group therapies, one-on-one therapies, etc. anymore.


Because after progressing as far as I could with them, they didn't help anymore. In fact, they just made me feel stagnant more than anything. I wasn't gaining anything from attending the Matis firesides except a hug from Brother and Sister Matis who I still love and wish the best for---the church needs to clone them for future generations---Firesides weren't as beneficial as they once were. I felt ignored at them. And that is hard for me. I'm not very popular and not well-known in the SSA community necessarily. I'm a social retard but I've discussed this numerous times in the past.

Continuing on... I don't disagree with people who want to change their sexuality. I applaud them for it. Its a difficult challenge and you'll be pressured and ridiculed by many for it.

Others don't want to change their sexuality but want to "add" more heterosexual feelings to their life. Being added upon is a phrase we use a lot in the LDS community.

Trouble is... I want neither.

I had someone who I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with---but her goals and aspirations were different from my own. Only woman I'd ever marry in this life. And now she's married with a baby, so no chance there. She is, and I have said it before, the best woman I've ever known. A few people in the SSA community kind of led to the end of my relationship with her but that's besides the point. And I don't believe it was intentional.

I don't want heterosexual feelings added onto me. I don't want to get married. Honestly. I thought I did once but now after a lot of soul-searching its one of the last of my life's to-do's. If Heavenly Father had desired that of me, He'd have given me different challenges in life. Instead, I have been given this challenge for better or for worse---and I don't see any reason for me to change.

Do reparative therapies work? I'm sure they do for some people. Is JiM great? People say so, but I just don't see the point in paying the money for it personally... to be honest, the secretive nature of its meetings seem a little odd and I'm put off by that. In addition, those who seem to go have little post-JiM clubs which I think are separatist and so I don't approve of that either. I'm already excluded enough, don't need to have another group I'm disconnected with.

Anyway, some people think I'm negative towards therapies---and I'm not. For other people. I just don't want anything to do with being poked and prodded mentally anymore. I did over a year of group and one-on-one therapies at BYU. They helped me overcome a lot of my bad thought processes to help me become more of who I am today. Do I want to sit in a room and discuss my feelings anymore in a therapy setting? Not unless I have a severe change of mind. Which I doubt will happen. I'm far too stubborn.

I don't read statistics about changing one's sexuality anymore and I don't really care the results. Even if there was a magic pill, I'd probably not take it since I'm already set in my ways. If I was meant to be straight, I'd have been in a different life---different challenges---why should I change myself? Why should I even WANT to change myself? Why can't I just be me and love myself for how I am?

Sorry folks. Don't invite me to JiM. Not going to go. But I am not saying I don't support YOU going.

Thank you for the Mondays...

Songs speak to me. Its one of the reasons I love a good Broadway musical. The passion, lyrics, etc. always get me going. Music speaks to me. Especially when they have some sort of power to them.

This song speaks to me. Whenever I think about the lyrics, it makes me think of my mother and how important she is to me. The only hurdle emotionally I have with bringing a child into this world without a mother is that my child wouldn't know a mother... there's a lot of children who don't know their fathers, but this is different to me. And hard for me to accept at times.
I have wonderful women in my life who would provide some of that motherly love.
This song is called Thank You. The lyrics are beautiful. I hope you enjoy them on this Sabbath Sunday!
If I lived to be a thousand years,
If I ruled the word – it's hemispheres,
I could not repay the love you brought my way,
So, I want to say it now
To thank you for each day you gave me.
Thank you for the Mondays,
Saturdays and Sundays,
Everyday, the whole year through;
Thank you for the fun days,
All those number-one days,
Battles-to-be-won days, too;
I just want to say it,
Thank you for each day with…you.
We have just one life to seize the day,
We only have what time there is to say…
‘n'do what we must do, express our gratitude,
So, I want to say it and sing it now to you.
Thank you for the Mondays,
Saturdays and Sundays,Everyday,
the whole year through;
Thank you for the fun days,
All those number-one days,
Battles-to-be-won days, too;
I just want to say it,
Thank you for each day with…you.
At the close of every day,
When I close my eyes to pray,
All I need to do, is just to think of you…
Then, all I need to say…is…
Thank you for the Mondays,
Saturdays and Sundays,
Everyday, the whole year through;
Thank you for the fun days,
All those number-one days,
Battles-to-be-won days, too;
I just want to say it,
Thank you for each day with…you.

Thursday, November 3, 2011


So my thoughts have turned a lot to India the last couple of months because of looking into the surrogacy...

Although ideally, I'd be able to find an American who would be able to do the surrogacy for me (in exchange for money or some other arrangement) right now it doesn't appear to be likely that this will happen...

I have been reading online and they are stating that it sometimes takes WEEKS to be able to bring the baby home from India. Now, those articles are from 2006 and 2007 and since then, things have become more stream-lined in that regard. I am going to try to find a local couple who has done the Indian surrogacy as a means to find out from them what was their process.

Its definitely not an easy process but then again, growing a uterus would be much much harder. :)

I still don't know how my family will react to this. I actually kind of planned on not telling them until the surrogate was actually pregnant since they'd probably try to talk me out of it. Once the baby was born and in my home, I'm SURE my parents will be excited. Even though it might not seem real to them initially. I actually thought it would be great to have my mom come with me to pick the baby up but she gets freaked out by international travel. She's weird.

However, I would really really love to have my family involved in this process. Its almost like coming out to my parents all over again even though this is about a BABY which should be a joyous occasion. So kind of weird I'm scared to talk to them about it.

In other news, I'm not making quite as much money as I was hoping with take-home pay as I'd originally thought I'd be making with my current job. So paying off student loans will be harder and longer than planned. Which means baby making will be prolonged.

There's still hope I'll get this other job which will pay better and have benefits so I'm crossing my fingers and toes it'll work out sooner than later.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Gethsemane in my own life...

Going to church seems like its going through the motions. I feel like I'm not progressing spiritually. I'm not growing in my personal life to be the type of person I want to be... Am I really going towards the path which will bring me closer to God? Or am I going down a crazy path? I'm not really sure.

Sometimes I wonder if my reasons for wanting a child are 100% the best for the child. I mean... doesn't a child deserve a mother in some ways? Would I really be able to provide all the love and support and maturity to raise a child who would have questions about where his or her mother was? Would it matter to a child who was raised in a household with a single male as a caregiver---would he or she adapt to those surroundings without thinking it was abnormal?

I just cannot imagine my life without being a parent. Its such a huge part of my thinking and mindset... And I feel I would be an amazing father regardless of the difficulties. Is it so wrong of me to want to do this despite the church's guidelines and obvious legal hurdles I'd have to face?

I don't feel the spirit much anymore. So whenever I pray about this or other things, its like my prayers are going out but not being heard.

I feel like these lyrics from the song Gethsemane sometimes...

"Then I was inspired
Now I'm sad and tired
After all I've tried for three years
Seems like ninety
Why then am I scared"

Thinking about my life years ago, I feel like the spirit guided me more often... and now I'm just sad and tired... trying for years to fit the mold of being a normal church member while realizing that marriage and a family aren't a possibility. I don't want to have a wife. I want to have a child. And no matter how much I've prayed about it---occasionally even praying for my heart to change enough to WANT to be married... I've not had a desire to go down that typical LDS male route for ... well, since BYU when I was in love with my best friend and it didn't work out. Never wanted marriage before her either.

And now she's married. With a baby.

And I sometimes wonder if I should have been the father to that child. Maybe life would be altogether different for me.

I wonder if all these decisions I've made in life have helped or hindered me to my current stagnation.

I believe in the church. I believe in our Heavenly Father. I believe so much. So why don't I feel anything anymore?

"Listen surely I've exceeded
Tried for three years
Seems like thirty
Could you ask as much
From any other man?"

Haven't I done enough in my life to prove my devotion to our Father? Given up so much and sacrificed in order to stay true to my temple covenants... Its been nearly 3 years since I went through the temple. And I felt like first I was progressing. Now I'm sad and tired. After all, I've tried for three years... Maybe I just need something to be progressing in life to feel alive again.