Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I'm feeling very done

Just found out I owe more money ... one more debt to take care of ...

So sick of being poor. If I don't get this promotion to being a full-time worker, I'm done with this career. I'll need to find something else where I can pay my bills a little easier. I'm sick of years and years and years of being poor. After all that I've done to help people, be a good friend, help others, etc. I'm still the one screwed financially.

After working from 8 AM to midnight last night, then waking up at 7 to work until 9 PM tonight... I'm pretty well exhausted. So now knowing my bank account will empty soon pisses me off. I just cannot deal with this anymore.

Monday, February 27, 2012


Ever feel so stressed that you kind of want to escape from it all?

Thats how this week is for me. I only feel peace when I am not thinking about the work I have to do... including working an 8 hour day and then working an extra 13 hours by tomorrow morning. Sigh.

So if I don't sleep this week and I'm super crabby, that is why.

Someday my future babies will know the stress I went through to financially prepare for them. Sigh.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


I don't really want to be seen as like the "Gay Mormon Father" spokesperson but sometimes I feel like I am.

Some people have asked why my blog has taken such a dramatic change from my earliest posts. I'm still active in the Church, although I don't go every week---I have a stubborn cold which won't go away... I'm not as unhappy as I used to be. My old blog entries tended to be about stress and depression. Now, they're mostly about babies and my future. What changed?

1) I went through therapy. I got through a lot of my depression problems. They're still around, sometimes, but for the most part they're gone. I know longer think in strict black-and-white terms (many Moho's and LDS people in general do this---you're either a sinner or a saint, nothing in between... although I think we're all in that middle ground area!)

2) I've stopped dealing a lot with "groups"---I felt like the whole SSA community dragged me down at times. I went to group therapies for a while to help others but it wasn't helpful to me. I didn't have a lot of the same problems others dealt with. So I took a very long break from those groups. Even now, I'm in the online NorthStar groups but don't actively participate in a lot of the discussions. Not as much as I used to when it was the online Yahoo group---and then the Google Group and now the Facebook group.

I'm not against groups---if they help you. However, I felt like a lot of them were just people who complained a lot. Didn't work out much of their own issues, etc.

3) Right now it's all work-work-work... Saving for a new car which I hopefully will have next month! WOOHOO! It won't be brand-new but it will be new-er than my 17 year old clunker. I'm focused on other things in life so when I think about non-work things I like to think (and thus blog) about babies.

4) I turn 30 this year. I am ancient! And to me, families should generally be started in one's late 20's or 30's instead of like early 20's or late teens. Even if I was straight, I don't know if I'd have started a family when I was like 22. I feel too young now sometimes and I'm almost 30.

So I guess thats why my blog is so much about babies as opposed to gayness. I don't really "struggle" with things. I've made it a point not to use those terms like struggle, trial, etc. when talking about this aspect of my life. To me, its just an unavoidable thing which I have in my life---don't see it changing any time soon. Don't see it going away. So instead I've just found ways to deal with it while remaining in the church. Am I the best example of Mormondom? I doubt it.

But I'm doing my best. I'm a work in progress.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Choice in parenting

Recently I read a blog article by Ryan, an old acquaintance of mine, who has written a blog about gay penguins adopting an abandoned egg and raising it on their own. Its a rather cute story, actually, since I don't even know the difference between a boy and girl penguin. I think the girl ones are probably like the drab colored ones, I guess? Nature always makes the men prettier.

Like me.

However, the ideas Ryan discussed in his blog were interesting to me. They dealt with the CHOICE of parenting.

To read Ryan's blog, click here: http://ryambiguous.wordpress.com/2012/02/20/prolific-gay-agenda-gay-penguin-families/

Its not like gay men and women accidentally become parents. I suppose if they're experimenting with a member of the opposite sex without protection, I guess it is possible that a person could accidentally become a gay parent. But a gay couple? No matter how much I've tried figuring it out, I don't see how two men could create a baby together which wasn't 100% planned.

We've also seen articles which show that gay parents make more effective parents than straight parents.

So that got me thinking...

What makes gay parents more efficient? Is it the over-use of decorated and themed nurseries? Their choice of cute matching outfits?

I stereotype as a joke. Although I have my baby's nursery theme already chosen.

1) Choice: Gay men and women CHOOSE to become parents. It is not accidental---not caused by breaking a condom or forgetting to pull out in time. (Sorry for graphic images. I know straight sex is disturbing. haha.)

If I choose to do something instead of being forced or compelled to, my heart is going to be more involved in it. I am still criticized for being active in the LDS church, although I CHOOSE to still go to church. So therefore my heart is involved in it although logically it doesn't make sense given the environment. If I choose to go to college instead of my parents forcing me to go, my heart will be more involved in the studying process and I will learn more. I will be more compelled to do a good job.

2) Financial capabilities: Being a gay parent isn't easy. Its not like we can just keep having sex until it happens. So therefore the parents who succeed are those who are stable enough to handle it. I read a blog for two gay men who both had a surrogate in India. They're in their 50's and becoming first-time parents. Their children are biologically half-siblings as they share the same egg donor. They're both semi-retired and are financially stable. Unlike the early 20-somethings who aren't even finished with school and yet have two or three by the time they graduate.

I'm not saying parents need to be completely financially stable to have kids. My parents wouldn't have had them for years if that was the case. However, it might be easier to be effective parents if they have more of a financial backing.

Think about it---if parents weren't so frazzled worrying about where they were getting the money to pay a bill, they could spend more time with their children. I think being smart as to the number of children a family has is important. If parents choose to have 10 kids but can only comfortably feed and clothe 6, then that is a problem---chances are those parents will be milking the system to get free school lunches, Bishop's Storehouse items, federal assistance, or their kids will do without.

And I am also not saying parents doing any of the above is a bad thing if they're in need---however, if their need is because they refuse to stop having children, then maybe that's a problem. Just saying.

3) Their Hearts: Many gay men and women really have it going-on in their caring department. Some of them I've met have the biggest heart when it comes to giving to charity. In addition, many gay and lesbian parents choose to adopt not just babies (which is a problem amongst heterosexual couples who generally want very young infants only---not willing to adopt older kids.) Older kids in foster care---and when I say "older" I mean sometimes as young as 5-6--often times don't get adopted. Ideal homes for them might be with a very caring, nurturing parent who will work through their issues. And yes, those parents might be two gay men or a lesbian single woman... but regardless, they'd have a home with a parent who is financially stable and chooses to raise them.

4) Testing Periods: I've read all about the home studies needed to be able to apply for becoming an adoptive parent. And let me tell ya---there are a ton of questions. The people interviewing you will question a lot of aspects in your life which won't have anything to do (in my opinion) with parenting. They want to know the real person seeking adoption. So they'll screen you. Heavily. And I bet a lot of parents wouldn't pass their questions and answers. And yet, they can still have kids biologically. No government agency steps in until after the child is born. And thats only in cases of abuse.

I also think that heterosexual childless parents seeking adoption or surrogacy also might fit the above categories as well, making them ideal parents. My only qualm is that most heterosexual couples are looking for babies and there are THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of children in the foster care system who need families.

Here in Utah? Gay men and women cannot adopt without first lying. Single men and women cannot adopt from the foster care system. Ever. If you go to the Utah Foster Care website, there's a few dozen kids freely available for adoption. I check weekly. Same kids are there who were there a year ago. Only those 5 and under and have left. Haven't seen any of the older kids leave.

There's a super cute little 10 year old girl on there who I would totally consider fostering or adopting. Problem? I'm single. And attracted to men. So despite having an extra room, a lot of love, and a strong desire for parenting, I'm denied before I've even begun the process.

My point is: A lot of would-be-if-they-could parents are out there. Myself being one of them. I'm looking into and planning on doing both adoption and surrogacy. I want to provide a safe and loving home for children. I'm totally capable of doing so. I don't have a uterus so I have to make do without, I suppose, and build a family in a less typical method. I don't see why society then says I'm unfit.

What makes a fit parent: Attentiveness. Love. Kindness. Intelligence. Safety. Caring atmosphere.

Don't go telling me that two men cannot raise a child effectively. Think of the two gay adoptive penguin parents and their baby who'd otherwise have died. There's a lot of kids dying out there both literally and figuratively---talk to a child who aged out of the foster care system and ask if they would have cared if they had one parent or two parents of the same gender. I bet they would say they wished they had a home to go to and people to turn to for advice. They're not looking at the sexuality of their parents: YOU ARE.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day

I love slash hate Valentine's Day. I think its one of those holidays which is a little annoyingly in your face---especially when there's no special someone in your life. I have one Valentine I'm giving away to someone who IS my Valentine. Since neither of us give Valentines anyway. haha. Its kind of nice to give one to someone I care about though.

There's not a lot of hope for guys in my situation to have a Valentine, though... Guys sticking with the church and swearing off relationships don't get many Valentines. I might not get one this year. And that's okay. But, I kind of wonder how the church keeps saying that everything is the same for gay and straight members---but gay members cannot even hope for that romantic relationship. Unless its with a woman. Or unless they have a nonsexual relationship with someone of the same gender. Or something along those lines.


Hopefully Valentine's Day will go by in a blur. I'm turning 30 in a few months and feel old---And its not quite 6 AM and I'm awake. How sad.

Monday, February 13, 2012

People leaving the church over this...

I think that this issue of homosexuality within the church, even within active LDS church members, will be a core issue for many leaving the church and seeking refuge elsewhere... I got a message on facebook from a friend of mine who stated that two good friends of theirs---previously strong members---had left the church over this homosexuality issue.

One of my closest friends has left the church. This harms our relationship at times. Its not that easy hearing him speak against the church---I don't think he's an apostate... but I think he's been hurt by the church and church members. He hasn't been able to find the balance between this issue and the church.

I don't know how to resolve people leaving the church. However, I don't think it will ever be resolved through arguments and either side saying "I am right, you are wrong."

Right now, it seems there is a huge debate going on within NorthStar members regarding marriage. Yes, I believe the church is true---because I believe the gospel is true... is every word given by Prophets 100% true? Not necessarily. When they're led by the spirit, yes. However, there are things which are recanted and restated for clarification. The church leaders also speak from their hearts in addition to speaking from the pulpit as a church leader.

I think that attacking another who expresses a differing opinion is just argumentative. It will cause ill-feelings and maybe cause others who think otherwise to say "Hey, if my opinion isn't valid, why am I even here? If the church doesn't agree with my thinking on this, maybe my testimony isn't good enough? Maybe I shouldn't be here?!?!" and cause doubts. Its best, in my opinion, to listen to others' views.

I worry about the future of the church. It seems people are leaving the church in buses full---and a lot of it is over this very issue.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

My thoughts

I have a few ideas of future blog topics to discuss. As I'm on my break from NorthStar, I am going to post my thoughts here. Whoever reads it can read it. However, my discussion right now will be the presumptuousness of the Saints.

1) I believe in the gospel. My faith in the church body as a whole is not strong. However, my faith that the gospel is true IS there. I believe that our Heavenly Father watches over this church. I don't think He always approves of what goes on within church meetings, but He is still our Eternal Father in Heaven.

2) I believe that we are supposed to teach our fellow brothers and sisters about the gospel. Including the importance of families.

3) I believe that we are supposed to also teach our fellow brothers and sisters love and charity. And we should be examples of such.

4) I believe in being respectful of others' beliefs. The church teaches that. We shouldn't shun our neighbors as they're not LDS---we also shouldn't shove Books of Mormon in their hands every time we turn around. I think true missionary work is done by example more than preaching.

5) I think it is presumptuous to think that our beliefs need to filter into every aspect of our geographical culture. Is it right that we say "Marriage is between a man and a woman because those are our beliefs. We should make everyone adhere to the same idea. Regardless of religion or culture"??? I don't know. I don't think so. Why? Because it puts us up on this pride pedestal saying "We're right, you're wrong." There's no harmony between the two groups. Will the small population seeking gay marriage actually infiltrate every corner of society? I doubt it.

6) People have argued that in Utah there is no discrimination because of some anti-discrimination laws. That is simply not true. There is a lot of discrimination. And there is discrimination all over the country.

So that being said... if we are supposed to love our neighbors, show them by example the gospel, want to keep the peace, etc. how can we honestly say "No, you have to abide by OUR rules, even if you don't believe in them...!" ?

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

I have decided

I am going to not post for a while in NorthStar. It might be healthier for me while I'm battling all my psyches. I feel like I'm going a little insane right now ... so it might be good for me to focus on my work and other responsibilities, get those cleared up, and then I can think about posting again. I'll maybe read them, but I won't comment.

For those who actually care that I'm there, I thank you. I know I don't always have the views of everyone else. I just think right now, Post-it Boy needs a little break from the religious views of some of the people there. I'm LDS because of my testimony not because I agree with everything taught at church. (I believe doctrine but not theological scare tactics like the things they say about gay marriage---or gay people---or adoptions---or surrogacy or whatever.)

You know that the church is against surrogacy and in-vitro for straight couples too, right? Yep. Its true. Its not against church doctrine. But its not supported by the church. Is it supported by me? 100% Its not going against doctrine, just guidelines in the Bishop's Handbook. I don't think the First Presidency is always inspired by their statements. Other than Bednar, I don't know of any who have had problems with pregnancy and infertility and with how the church leaders are sheltered from a lot of what is happening in the world, it doesn't surprise me they'd have views which are 30 years behind the times. However, another day---another dollar.

I'm not posting on NorthStar for at least a week. Maybe more.

Thought you'd like to know.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

So anyway, I'm leaving...

... or at least thinking about leaving.

That was a line from Next to Normal.

I'm thinking about leaving the Northstar groups. Just for a little while. I'm on the Northstar Facebook group which is like a discussions forum. I feel like I'm the one freak there who says what he thinks which isn't what the group agrees with.

I just have so much frustration inside of me for people who only think of things one way---who don't come up with their own ideas. If someone's whole viewpoint is what is taught from the pulpit, there is no discussion. No learning. Its just sharing the same things. So when I share my views, I'm like the only one there who says these things. Am I the only one who agrees with myself? Maybe. Am I too liberal at times? I don't think so. I thought I was still conservative.

I just get so heated when people say gay men cannot raise children. Or that we have some sort of secret agenda. You know my agenda? I want to be a parent because I love kids. Regardless if they see daddy kissing a man or hugging a guy friend or whatever. Like, give me a break---I don't have an agenda beyond wanting to be a parent. I'm not going to buy my kid "Billy has two daddies" in paperback to make him say gay parents are normal. Its not normal. But it doesn't make me a bad parent! If I was normal, I'd be married in the temple with biological kids of my own. Whats wrong with not being normal? I don't think my kid would be brainwashed by me raising him without a mother---attentive parenting is the key in my book. And the kid I'm getting from Africa would probably die without being adopted. Sure, it could go to a strong LDS home with good values---but I don't see many Mormons sacrificing to adopt these kids. Regardless of gender combination or sexuality of the parent, kids need someone to love and nurture them.

Someone actually told me once "Well, those kids die and go straight to heaven... because they were so young." And I'm like "They weren't even given a chance to learn the basic concepts of love! They died loveless!" How is going straight to heaven a prize after having a horrible life? I dunno. Its ridiculous. Kids need to be given a chance. Regardless if I'm some sort of crazy liberally thinking Mormon who wants to raise a kid without a wife.

Returning to the Northstar topic, I don't think I fit in there. I've been feeling it for weeks. I don't want to get married---far from it... I'm against marriage for most men in this situation. If they find someone and that's what they truly want---so be it. But don't get married because the church tells you to. Get married because YOU want to. If you want to marry a woman, fine---but don't tell me to do it.

I don't believe in the New Warrior Weekends or JIM or whatever is the new popular therapy weekend. I love the church but hate the culture and I'm smack dab in the middle of the culture---I have to avoid it at all costs. Maybe that's psychologically why I don't reach out to my ward. Who knows. The culture is like a plague on this church, honestly. And so many people around me are so cookie cutter and I'm not---I'm a completely different shape from everyone else.

I'd rather live in my current situation which doesn't fit everyone's ideal but kind of works for me. Sure, I don't live all the gospel teachings perfectly. I think I'm doing alright. Just not super strictly.

So I guess I'm just sensitive about it. I have to lie to adopt. And that feeling sucks. I cannot even do it legally in this state because of archaic laws.

I feel like whenever I post, I am almost always going against the norm there.

I just don't seem to fit in there. Honestly. I don't even think I'm that liberally minded. I consider myself conservative most of the time. I just wonder if maybe I need to leave it for a while. Focus on other things. Get my mind together. I'm only friends with a couple people there---real friends anyway... the kind who actually message me to find out how my day is going.

So anyway, I'm leaving... I thought you'd like to know. Or at least thinking about it. Or cutting it back or not voicing my opinions since no one agrees anyway.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

What I'm feeling...

I'm not really happy at now. I feel completely overwhelmed with the stresses of life... having to work, save money, deal with everyone's stresses who are in my life, etc.

I cannot do everything or be everything which people want from me. I realize that. However, I wish that just once I could feel like I was getting a break in life---that things were going really good and I wasn't stressed. Right now, I just feel stress creeping up on me all the time. I'm tired and feel so alone in my struggles.

And yes, I realize that there are others who deal with what I deal with---however, that doesn't offer me much comfort.

It feels exhausting to live like this.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


I hate stress. Sometimes I wonder if I need to cut back on the stress in my life---working less---to make my life more enjoyable. It might mean pushing back some of my goals but it might be worth it in the long run.

I just want to be a dad so badly right now. I miss being around children. I don't think its asking for much to want to be a father. I'm sure if I was straight, I'd be married with children by now. I guess I just feel a little resentful for those who have children and don't appreciate them the way that I do.

I'm too tired all the time. I think I need a rest.

Confused... and I can see why

I feel confused right now. I can probably see why---I haven't kept up with my prompting a few weeks ago to seek after spirituality. It is hard for me. I feel like at home I am struggling alone with spirituality---as I don't have a family to be with on a daily basis who appreciates the church. I wish I had that support network.

Right now I feel like I'm in the doldrums. I don't feel myself progressing enough to really feel like I'm moving along. I also don't feel like I'm necessarily moving backwards. Just kind of hanging somewhere in between.

I feel better than a few days ago. Which is good. I just have to keep pushing myself. Someday, I'll have this all figured out.

If anyone has thousands of dollars to pay off my student loans and give me a push with a down payment on a house, please let me know. :) Once I have that house, my plans of fatherhood will come much easier.