Wednesday, December 26, 2007
We were talking about same-gender attraction. Using code words so that in case anyone overheard, nobody could understand. She told me something shocking...
"I have never once cried about those feelings."
She's never cried over my same-gender attraction issues. She has had concerns for my well-being but never enough that she had resorted to crying.
It was comforting to me knowing that my mother is alright with this issue. So why should I ever cry over something like this?
I'm glad that 99% of the time I'm okay with it too.
Friday, December 21, 2007
The cure I am talking about is a diminishing level of temptation. NOT a diminishing level of attractions to that person necessarily.
When I moved into my first college apartment, I'd never lived with non-relatives before. I'd also never been away from home for that long, nor lived in the state or in such a Mormon atmosphere. I lived with 5 other guys. At first, I was very awkward about it because I'd never had guy friends and I was worried that maybe one of them would pick up on the clues about my behavior or something... Not a flamer but I have some Moho traits. :)
I eventually have lived with about 30 roommates. I counted them once and counted remember all the names. That is what happens when every four months you sometimes get 2-3 different roommates. At BYU I've had somewhere around 14 roommates in 2 years. Pretty crazy, huh?
I have been attracted to some. However, the attraction diminished as I got to know and respect them. I lived with one particular hottie who was rather "dreamy." I did walk in on him once changing and while I didn't see anything beyond his naked body from the side (no frontal---seriously was an adonis like Greek side statue pose) it wasn't a temptation for me to have thoughts of him linger in my mind. Why? Because I loved him and I thought of him very highly. The temptation to let those thoughts linger had left the equation. Granted, he likes girls so short of my having VERY powerful seductive powers, I think he would have been safe.
It brings me to my next point about loving someone enough that there is a "cure."
We've been discussing the whole non-sexual Moho relationships here as a form of balancing one's life with the gospel. And I do still stand by the fact that if two Moho's are on the same church activity level, it is possible. But ... that's for another post.
Someone asked "Well, wouldn't living with a Moho cause issues?" In my case, no. I've lived with two Moho's. Never kissed either. Not even a peck on the cheek. I respected them too much. And I know both found me attractive---but who wouldn't??? just teasing.
Anyway, I think that if you love someone---TRULY love that person---you will be able to overcome temptation thoughts and behaviors and be supportive of each other.
I say this from personal experience. I think that its possible to love someone enough that you want that person in the celestial kingdom with you--not as husband and husband---but just to be able to spend eternity knowing they were able to achieve that glory. I think you can love someone enough that temptation leaves and can be replaced by a feeling of more support, affection, etc. You love the person enough that you don't want that person to stray from the gospel.
ANOTHER thought... What if you could love yourself enough you wouldn't want YOU to suffer through a lower kingdom? Do you love yourself enough that you'd want to do everything you could to let yourself go to the highest kingdom. No matter what challenges you have in this life?!?!!
Friday, December 14, 2007
But I'd never kill Elphaba. :)
Does anyone appreciate me mixing musical references?
Okay... So Abelard Enigma brought up the Family Ward vs. Singles Ward issue.
I've thought about this before. If I were to live in this non-sexual but caring and supportive relationship situation with a Moho, would I want to live in a Family Ward or a Singles Ward?
I guess it depends on the ward. Would two guys living together who didn't date really get noticed that much in a Singles Ward? I might be checked out on occasion by the random hotties (men and women) on campus, but I am not someone usually sought after. Maybe its the fact that my major keeps me so busy. However, I don't really see living in a Singles Ward as being a bad thing. Nor a good thing. It could potentially get annoying if some girl decides she's in love with me and pursues me.
However, any female admirers of mine usually get turned off when I express no interest or bring up the fact I am not a returned missionary.
In a Family Ward, there's ALWAYS going to be the Match-makers. The types who'd always have a niece or granddaughter to set you up with. And despite how fashionably dressed I am at church, people still never pick up on the clues of which sex I'm attracted to---and as I'm a nice young man, I get lots of ladies wanting me to date their daughters. It comes with the territory. I doubt they'd do the same if I expressed interest in dating their hot college aged sons though. LOL. I'm just teasing! I swear!
I think I'd have enough acceptance in either type of ward that I'd be just fine.
In every LDS ward, there will be some opposition. And undoubtedly some rumors. However, if I'm doing my best, I think people will be able to see that.
Personal Experience: I found out about two years after I moved out of an apartment that basically all my roommates had questioned my sexuality. However, they never openly asked me or each other really. They all respected me and could see I was doing the right thing in life. I was active in the church and a very good person. So they never worried about me or felt any need to question me.
Aren't those the types of friends I'd want over the busy-bodies anyway?
And it would take more than a few prejudiced members to get me to stop going to church. In fact, I don't think anything would stop me going. I live in Utah. I can just change wards if I'm in a "bad one".
I'm thinking I might share some personal experiences and insight in regards to sexual temptations to men being diminished because of love, if anyone is interested. I brought it up in the comments on my last blog.
Finally! Cool Roommate is out of the Shower so I can go to a Christmas Party. I'm bringing homemade peanut butter-oatmeal cookies. Yummmy! I'm like a male Martha Stewart but I have a soul... :)
Anyone has any suggestions for making it more masculine? I love cool colors like blues and lilacs but they're not very masculine.
I really need to get my own blog designer!
On my last blog in the comments, someone asked what I meant by celibate.
I consider myself a liberal conservative. That being said, I don't think there's anything wrong with male-to-male forms of affection. I'm not talking about sex here, I'm talking about affection. Things like cuddling, hugging, arm around the shoulder, etc. I do this with my guy friends. I don't hold hands with friends in public, nor would I ever consider kissing one in public. Except perhaps if it was a foreign country and I was with a really hot rich guy. Just teasing!
Anyway, that being said...
Here's a scenario: Two men, active in the church, abstain from sexual relations (thus allowing them to be following church guidelines--no sex outside of marriage and no marriage between two men) who are living together to provide companionship and support with them AS members of the church. There is no outward sign of homosexuality. (No pecks on the cheek in priesthood or holding hands during sacrament meeting. LOL. Imagining that right now and its a funny mental image.) However, neither date women due to lack of interest in marriage. And both are committed to their covenants. AND, I might add, both have temple recommends.
1) Would you have a problem seeing this occurring in your ward?
2) Do you think this might be an alternative for Moho guys who want to be in the church but also desire some form of male companionship?
The reason I ask this is that I have had numerous friends tell me in the past that they have no alternative in the church but to be alone. Some Mohos find a wife and are content, or become content through trial and error and basically learning to cope with life and marriage. However, for the majority, I know that many are not interested in marriage.
To me, marriage is a passing parade float. Interesting to look at from afar but I am not mesmerized by the thoughts of it for long. Just floats on by and I don't think I missed too much.
I want to be in the church more than anything. I don't want to be married. (I considered it at one point with my ex-girlfriend but it was disastrous and she was the only woman I'd ever see myself marrying, despite no physical attraction to her.)
But I don't want to be alone either.
I know LOTS of guys out there feel the same way. I hate being alone for too long. An empty home is not a home to me. It needs life.
The appearance of sin, if that is the issue here, would also deny a Moho from living with a female roommate. So, is it one of those "darned" if you do "darned" if you don't ideas?
I don't want to end up like one of those sad, pathetic old anti-mormon gays after a mid-life crisis. And I don't want to kill myself either. Believe me, in a former self than I am now I considered it.
If if is one of those situations where you're screwed either way---not being able to have a male Moho roommate (even though following church rules) OR having a female roommate, then honestly... and I'm not saying I'm leaving the church since I've already stated I will remain... Well, then I honestly can SEE WHY people would flock to leave the church when they realize they're gay\SSA\MOHO. (Many more leave the church than stay in general---as activity levels amongst all members is rather low... but add to it the whole sexuality thing and it seems like activity levels plummet.)
So trying to think about alternatives and ALSO to make people think a bit. Open discussion! Let me know what you think!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Okay, so other than genealogy terms I cannot speak Italian. lol. Giuseppe! Linguini! Fusilli! Penne Al Dente! Olive Garden!
I also downloaded music from Alvin and the Chipmunks today. Along with Little Women the Musical and some stuff from Thoroughly Modern Millie. This adds to my already growing Itunes where I recently downloaded some more Latin music.
Can anyone tell my tastes are eclectic?
I am feeling a bit better today. I have been resting a lot.
I have a lot of work to do tomorrow.
My bedroom is cleaner now. That always makes me feel better. Anyone else feel less stressed when there isn't clutter and junk everywhere? I know I do. I feel like I accomplished something by cleaning my room today.
And a question for the masses: If two men were living together and were celibate, Temple-going and recommended, would you think that their ward members would have a problem with it? Or... would it even really matter what they think because these two men would know that Heavenly Father knew their hearts?
I found some Post-its today. I haven't used them in a long time. I'm going to start again. Please help if I become addicted.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Am I weird?
My talk went well. Considering I couldn't find the article from the Ensign I was supposed to write on. Except by googling it.
Today I've been thinking about how blessed I am. I'm much happier than I used to be. I think I used to be scared of my future.
And while I'm open to many possibilities for my future, I like the idea of having someone to be with me as I experience my life. And not just anyone. I'd like someone who treats me like a lady.
I'm totally kidding. Just seeing if you're paying attention.
Tonight Cool Roommate (my Moho roommate) and I watched Family Stone while we made Christmas cookies. And by "we" I mean that it was me entirely. The cookies were delicious. The movie is still one of my favorites. I watch it every chance I am in a Holiday mood.
Claire Danes is gorgeous in it. As always. I don't know why I find her so pretty.
In the movie, there's a scene in the movie where "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is played while various couples or individuals in the movie are shown. One is the gay deaf son and his black partner. (Talk about basically being outcasts in society...) And the two men are being a little affectionate with each other while walking outside in the snow. Its such great cinematography and such a powerful song that I am moved every time.
And it made me miss this part in my life. I used to have friends with whom I was more affectionate than I am now. I have decided to not be as affectionate with friends as I used to. Its a long story but its partially a promise to a friend of mine. I get a lot of other forms of affection, but less physical kinds of things---touching, hugging, kissing, etc.
I don't regret many of the changes I've made in my life, as I know that they're all for the best. However, I miss that closeness sometimes. It doesn't make me bad to desire that. It just makes me human. Its just that I desire it with a man over a woman.
Its been months since I've been kissed. And it is for the best. I have to save my kisses for special occasions. Or they might become passe. :)
But seriously. I do miss physical closeness sometimes. It doesn't make me weird. It makes me human.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
All of them seemed to waste it on expensive cars. Big houses. Only a few did anything good with it.
When I look at my future, I think "I wouldn't do that..." Sure, I'd probably buy some new clothes. And I'd buy myself a slightly nicer car. Something that isn't 13 years old. I'd get out of student debt and probably not worry about paying for graduate school anymore.
But as I pondered what I would do with it, I realized my future would be similar to my ideal future at this point. It would just take away financial worries, allowing me to do what I'd really like to do...
There's some places I'd love to visit. Places my ancestors lived. Sweden. Scotland. Germany. Italy. (I'm not Italian but who wouldn't want to go there?)
I'd love to go and document the countries and cultures my family comes from. I'd really love to serve a mission. I'd love to do some of my ancestors' names in the temple. Preferably some I'd find myself. Guess I have more to do for that dream though---including learning how I'd locate all my ancestors.
I'd buy a house, of course. Something which isn't a fixer-upper and had enough room for me. And some guest rooms large enough they could stay for as long as they'd like. I'd like to make sure my parents could retire wherever they'd like, preferably near me.
And I'd set up a scholarship at BYU for students like me studying fields which are not particularly lucrative upon graduation. I'd probably also donate money for my major to be expanded because we're the illegitimate step child of three different departments and no one wants us. lol. And unless you know me, you won't know my major.
I'd probably still shop for discounts. In fact, I know I would---because I love a bargain.
My house would actually be the same one I intend to own someday. Somewhere within easy driving distance to Downtown Salt Lake City. For Shows. Temple Work. Research. Enough land for a few fruit trees. I'd still want to learn how to make all food from scratch. I'd still have my dreams of learning how to bottle fruits and preserves and make my own jams.
Do I sound like Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors? I really do want "Somewhere that's Green"... A simple drama-free life.
I sometimes get house guides from the supermarket and shop for homes. Knowing I can't buy them.
I would just have more time to be able to do the things I really want to do. Which interestingly enough are all pivotal to church service. I wouldn't dress any flashier than I do now.
I guess its a nice daydream. What would you guys want if money wasn't an issue?
I had no classes today. I stayed home. I worked on an assignment which I wished I had more time to work on. Its due a week from today. I have another paper due on Tuesday. I want to go home.
When I go home, I will need a lot of sleep. I want to relax and just have fun for a change.
I talked to a friend tonight and it was really nice. However, every time I talk to friends in IM's it distracts me.
Tonight I made a big dinner. Maybe I'm tired because my body is just in need of nutrients. I feel slightly better than yesterday. But I still just want all my classes done.
I don't even enjoy school anymore. I just want to graduate.
Less than five more months.
I have hung out a lot with my friend who I'll call Chiquita. She's a young latina girl. We have a lot in common and we have fun together. We spend up to three days together for school or just hanging out. We had dinner together on Sunday.
I realized she's my only non-MOHO BYU student friend who has wanted to hang out with me more than once a semester.
She's already said she doesn't like me. SO no worries about hurting her feelings ultimately. She deserves someone who isn't quite a "work in progress" anyway.
I'm exhausted. I just want to fall asleep and wake up with no stress.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Amazing. And I am so retarded I just realized that the lyrics were about a gay couple.
The song is about living a lie. Playing a part. While living behind a smiling face. But being torn on the inside.
I guess it hits me a little hard because recently a friend of a friend committed suicide. I know what its like to feel that desperate to actually hold a knife against my skin... Wanting to die but being snapped back into reality. I cannot speak for this Brother who died as to his reasons. However, I can speak for myself... I hated having to hide, wanting to be perfect, and wishing so desperately for someone to hold me when I cried.
Does it make sense to reprise a role in which one is unhappy---never having any happiness from relationships? No.
I have now since become better from much of my depression. I used to become so lonely that I would cry myself to sleep. It was really horrible.
So I will probably have a roommate to help balance loneliness.
I don't desire a relationship with a woman. I considered having a female roommate but realized that appearances would be bad for that one. I guess because I am more concerned with where my heart is and less about appearances, it had never occurred to me that living with a woman as a roommate might be viewed as inappropriate.
So, what about a male roommate who dealt with SGA?
Would that also be an "Appearance Ruiner"? Would it be less than if I lived with a woman?
Where is when you draw the line at being overly concerned with appearances and more concerned with your activity in the church and where your heart is?
WHY couldn't two men deeply committed to the gospel who also happen to be same-gender attracted live together in harmony with gospel teachings? (We're talking about a roommate non-sexual relationship here...)
The thing is... I would be happy if I just had someone to do things with. If I'm like 75 and single, I wouldn't mind as long as I didn't come home to a house with 12 cats. :)
I just want someone to come home to at night. But... the difference between me and most of the gay community is that I want to be a temple-going Latter-day Saint (usually viewed as a homophobic church.)
I want someone to plant a garden with. To cook dinners with. To help with household chores and to have someone to go on trips with. Is that such a ridiculous concept?
I have been praying about this idea but was curious what others thought.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Other people come up with better questions than I do. And I am waiting for my French bread dough to rise.
Why do you live your life this way? In other words, why aren’t you seeking sexual relationships with men?
Because men are dogs. Kidding. Men are not dogs. Since dogs are loyal and friendly. :)
Honestly, it just doesn't appeal to me very much. I have seen too many disastrous endings to perfectly good individuals who have left the gospel. Pretty soon, they leave not only their church activity but also all standards... starting to drink, use drugs, etc.
I'm not interested in going down that road.
I'm happy with who I am. So why would I change it by upsetting my existence which I'm happy with?
Didn’t God make you gay?
I don't know much about how God works. I don't know what He "makes" and what he lets "happen" because He knows more than I do about the inner workings of my mind, heart, and what I might need to become most like him.
If Heavenly Father made me this way, then I applaud Him. He gave me some talents which I love, a family who supports me, and a love for doing good things for others. Sure, He MIGHT have added some spice into my life by adding some attractions. Somehow in His infinite wisdom, He chose this for my life. Or, perhaps, it was I who chose this over other issues I could have had.
Aren’t you living a lie?
I'm not a liar. I don't lie to people about who I am. Nor am I living a lie. I like my life. I live quite happily.
I don't see why I'd have to live in any particular way to avoid living a lie. Who is to decide how I live besides myself?
What is the difference between me and gay guys who just want to not date? Not much. Other than my intentions in life.
How do you cope with being LDS and having same-sex feelings while trying to live the Gospel?
I don't think of life as my needing to "cope"... Life isn't a struggle unless we make it that way. I prefer to just life my life the best as I know how. And that includes living within the Gospel.
Do you really think you can live your life without having sex with a guy at some point?
Why not? I know plenty of guys who have. I know plenty of "out gay men" who don't have sex very often and they survive. If people just live life thinking about sex, which it seems many gay men do, then they're missing out on a lot that life has to offer.
Your responses seem simple and maybe unrealistic. Are you really gay or are you bisexual? Do you think you are oversimplifying the condition of homosexuality?
Excuse me! How dare you accuse me of being bisexual! :)
I can honestly say that I'm not attracted to women on anything other than a "shopping partner" relationship. And even then, I'd probably go with a guy so I have someone to shop with. Either are good for being "butt checkers" since when I buy pants, its necessary they flatter the behind. :)
Aren’t your statements advocating celibacy or heterosexual marriage judgmental towards those people who do not follow such standards?
Why would they be? I don't tell others how to live their lives. I just live mine. If people feel threatened about a religious and celibate MOHO guy then perhaps they need to rethink how they view themselves if a single person can upset their entire sense of being.
I don't tell my gay friends how to live ever. Some assume I do but you know what they say about people who assume things...
Don’t you think people who live in a gay relationship can find happiness?
Sure! Why wouldn't they be able to? They can be happy just like I can be happy. But its a different kind of happiness.
Don’t your moral beliefs contradict your beliefs that some gays can be happy living a gay lifestyle?
Why would they?
Short and sweet answers. :)
My dough is basically done now.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
But isn't that what the gospel teaches, in a sense? That everlasting life is supposed to have a partner?
As I have thought about this issue of same-gender attraction in my life, I wonder if this trial... challenge... condition... mortal experience... however we'd like to view it is part of a greater plan which we are only barely glimpsing with our simpleminded natures. We're mortal beings, subject to flaws, failures and second-guessing a divine creator who doesn't make mistakes.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
He's not particularly fashionable. Doesn't live an exotic life. He has never published a book or won any awards as far as I know...
... And I would secretly LOVE to have not only his job but also his brain. So smart.
Why am I not as smart as he is?
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Do you ever feel that way? Sometimes I do.
Life has gotten significantly better for me since my Summer European Internship. I spent weeks charting out my own path, in a way, by living essentially on my own in a foreign continent... I had to rely on my own brains, skills, etc. to get by. I had to cope with a lot of stressful situations and I learned from the experience.
I do genealogy research for fun... I guess its the one aspect of myself which makes me even more of an atypical Mormon. I do it 'for fun' knowing that I'm not worthy to have a temple recommend just yet. Working on that and hopefully going to have it someday. :) Anyway, I can't do the temple work for my people at this point but I can do the work leading UP to the Temple Work being completed.
This is the first time I've ever mentioned genealogy on this blog.
Guess its about time.
I didn't feel great today so I sat in my room and typed genealogy, adding 25-30 names of descendants of my 4th great uncle. I trace lots of distant cousins' in my family tree since thats where I find temple names.
As I was doing this work today, I thought "Is this all I'm good for?" Elle believed she was best at just being beautiful. Maybe doing genealogy is what I'm best at and what I'm best suited for.
Do I provide any other good though? Do I brighten others' days? Do I have any other qualities which make me worth more than just what I have been trained to do---which is genealogical research?
Sometimes I wonder. I don't really know if anyone's life has been touched by mine.
Maybe Elle was right---and while I'm not meant to just be pretty and smile---maybe I'm only really good for one thing. At least I do that as perfectly as possible.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sometimes I do still get sad. And sometimes I still wish I had more people in my life who cared about me... I guess as I said from earlier posts, my life can be rather lonesome at times.
In other news, my room has become a disaster area. Similar to Kansas Tornadoes destroying whole farming communities. I started to clean it. But it still needs work. I think I need a maid.
I saw a Walmart Employee wearing an Amish-y looking dress. I hope it was a costume.
Yesterday I learned a friend of mine was dating someone. As I was texting her, I realized I love to hear when friends of mine are happy and dating someone. Its weird because this used to depress me tremendously---not having someone "Special."
I sometimes miss having someone to hold or someone to send romantic things to.
I like to sit and listen to Joni Mitchell songs alone. Just when I want to reflect.
I really need to start exercising. I am getting fatter by the second. And I am getting older everyday which means my metabolism is slowly going to fale me.
Sometimes I just want someone to hold or to have someone hold me.
I have a double bed and no one to share it besides a stuffed toy friend which was a gift from another Moho. He's the only person who shares my bed.
I think I need a dog.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
It wasn't meant to sound like I was seeking pity.
In other news, I have organized one of my research binders for a class I took a few semesters ago. This only pleases me but I have a distinct impression that if I continue to organize and reorganize my research and final projects from past semesters, I'll somehow discover something I never thought I had before... Which sometimes happens.
You wouldn't understand unless you were someone who loved organization. (You meaning the imaginary "You" who reads my blog.)
I went through my binder and realized my report was pretty good---which is why I got an "A.... Impressive" Grade. It didn't list any notes really other than the grade. Is that weird? The professor is really eccentric though.
I realized I had done more research than I had previously thought. Which makes me wonder why I didn't continue with this work beyond the class. Which makes me WANT to continue on beyond this class. Which means that next semester, I'm taking Part II of this course so I can complete this binder properly and fill another binder with information on my topic... Which will then be filed onto my shelf and ignored by all but me.
And I will be quietly content to have a really nicely organized file of my classwork. Complete with dividers, labels and charts...
p.s. For those who know my by-day persona, you can guess what kind of class it was...
Monday, October 22, 2007
Not that I'm not well-liked. I just feel unpopular.
I think people like me. I hope people like me. I'm generally quite sure people like me.
The last two nights I have hung out with friends. Outside my apartment.
I realized last night that it had been like a month since that had happened. Cool Roommate and I (the two moho's of the apartment) hang out. We watch movies, curl each other's hair and gab about American Idol... Okay, kidding about all but the movies part.
So... Cool Roommate and I hang out.
I'm in College. I'm a good looking, funny guy... maybe I'm just destined to be a little socially awkward and retarded enough that its not very often I'm asked to hang out with people. Is there something about me which is un-approachable? Are others just as busy as me at times? Or maybe I just spend too much time doing school work and playing the cello.
I don't play the cello. Just seeing if someone is paying attention.
If I'm well-liked by friends, why is it that I am unpopular as a person for others to call up to hang out with me?
During my Freshman year of college, there was a Sadie Hawkins' style dance (girl asks guy) and I was one of two guys in my apartment not asked. The other guy was dating a girl who didn't go to school there. So I was basically the only student at this Mormon University without a date. Granted, it was my first semester there... but wouldn't you think SOMEONE wanted to go out with me?
I wonder if now, in my Senior year, if there was a Sadie's dance... would I ever get asked? Would people even notice me TO ask me?
During my first two semesters at BYU I was asked to hang out only once in another apartment at BYU. ONCE. And then that guy never invited me over again and stopped talking to me except on very rare occasions. I also didn't hang out with my roommates back then either. So I used to escape to friends' and relatives' houses in Salt Lake on weekends just to have someone to talk to.
During my second semester at BYU, I brought up the lack of hanging out and lack of friends with my coworkers (who were my only friends at BYU at the time) and I asked them point blank why someone like me wasn't popular...
One coworker told me that she would assume I had lots of friends already. When I asked why, she said that I was so good looking that most people would be tempted not to talk to me. Or ask me out. Or ask to hang out. Knowing I'd somehow be busy no matter when they asked me. (This is from a married girl, btw.) One girl even said that most people on campus would assume I was married since I'm so out-going, friendly and rather charming. (She is married now but wasn't then---was this a come-on???!!!! lol)
A few months ago, I was talking to a Moho friend and another Moho I didn't know very well was a part of the conversation... The second Moho said "Looking at you, I never thought you'd ever have problems with feeling disliked... You always struck me as someone who never had any problems with popularity!"
So am I just unapproachable then---and that's my issue?
I guess I still sometimes wonder if people like me. I used to worry people only liked me based on my appearance. (I know this sounds smug but I have previously battled YEARS with self-image issues...)
I'm used to being a little alone sometimes, but not always lonely.
I'm not posting this for sympathy or pity. It was just some of my thoughts. It just seems like everyone around me has more people that want to hang out with them than I do. I don't think I'm a horribly unlikeable person. But...
Maybe its something I need to work on.
Friday, October 19, 2007
She's skinny. Attractive. Has cool style.
If it was any other guy, I'm sure he'd be flattered.
... Why is it that I'm so weird and the idea of going out on a date with her is only mildly interesting?
She seems cool though. It would be cool just to have her as a friend.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Tonight I had an hour long conversation with my mother. We talked about a little family stuff---my nephew was just baptized and half my family went to the baptism... surprisingly, thoughts of a mass family homicide didn't enter anyone's minds and everyone was quite happy with the event.
We also talked about life in general and then I told her about some of my new philosophies I've adopted. My mother and I talked about lots of things including the most recent Matis fireside. I told her about the girl who was a burn victim who never complains about her life, despite its trials... She had a near-death experience which taught her the importance of seeing blessings, not curses, in our lives. I told her about the Evergreen Conference a little bit more and the things I learned there. She and I had already spoken at great lengths about it a month ago.
I was just thinking about how lucky I am to have my mother.
About a year ago, I was heavily addicted to the show Desperate Housewives. In it, the beautiful Bree Van De Kamp is the perfect mother. She always has the house perfectly straightened, her hair is always just-right, her cooking is timed to the second for best flavor, beds are made, the linens are always fresh, and everything in her life is perfect... etc.
And Bree has a gay son, who actually, if I might add is kind of cute. In that "I look like an Extra on High School Musical" sort of way.
In one episode she abandons this son on the side of the road because of what a trouble maker he has become. She cannot accept that he is gay. In a tearful scene, he tells her that he won a bet since he knew that someday she would stop loving him because he was gay.
A year ago, I called my mom. I'd been thinking about this episode. My mom's never really seen the show. I told her about Bree and how he's the best wife, mother and homemaker. I told her that she had the perfect life... except her son was gay.
I told my mom "I know you're not Bree... Your cooking is good but you don't cook gourmet meals. You are always behind on housework. You don't always care if your hair is perfect or your outfit is designer brands... But I wouldn't trade you for Bree Van De Kamp any day..."
I wouldn't trade my mom for any other mother.
My mother accepted me and my same-gender attraction from the minute I first told her. She didn't question it. She didn't have to think whether she wanted me in her life.
What mother besides the best mother would accept her son so fully?
I have told her most of my "deep-dark secrets"---she knows I have kissed a few of my male friends. She knows that I don't feel guilty about them since they're just affectionate things between friends. Once I was even in the car and I remarked about a passersby "He's kind of cute..." I about died but my mom didn't even notice.
What mother besides the best mother would not notice?
She believes in me even when I haven't always believed in myself. My mother told me once that she believes same-gender attraction was given to me because someday I would outshone the rest of those around me through my diligent efforts in the gospel.
She has even attended some of the Evergreen events with me. Soon, there is going to be a stake activity in her area with a class on same-gender attraction and how to help a loved one who struggles with it... When I asked, she did tell me she would be attending and would be present to give comments, suggestions, etc.
My mother helped pay for an unpaid internship to Europe. She didn't even mind when I spent some---err... nearly half---of the money on a camera. (It is a good camera, I might add---and very functional for Europe!)
She has helped pay for my last few months of living expenses while I have battled being sick with several infections, fatigue and stress.
What mother, besides the best mother, would give money she cannot afford to give?
I know my mom wants very much for me to get married someday. I am sure she secretly has wedding plans picked out. She'd love more grandchildren. I am sure she would love to see me happy someday. I know she doesn't want me to be lonely.
She also knows I'm an individual who is very stuck in my ways. But that I am also trying to fit myself into a life which doesn't really make a lot of sense to most people.
My mother has told me I am her favorite. She never has to wonder if I'm being truthful. I never make her angry. I've told her far too much about me for her to doubt my honesty. I help her reach high things on shelves. I am always calling her when I need to talk, or to update her on my life, or just to ask how her day is. I even help her hang photos and paintings in her home since I have "an eye" for those things. She might say "You are my favorite" to all her children, but who knows... maybe I really am.
Mother, I love you!
Monday, October 15, 2007
I have been wondering if maybe it would be a good idea to ultimately become more "open" with discussing my same-gender attractions. I realize there will be bigotry. I realize there will be some who would believe I am a plague on their household. However, I also know that others will open their hearts and perhaps remove some of their prejudism regarding people who are maybe a little different.
I've been toying with the idea of being more "open" upon graduation. My family, other than my parents, are unaware of what I deal with. I don't beat myself up anymore over my attractions. I don't have really have a lot of the issues I used to deal with---depression and such... So I don't really have much to hide.
As I explained to my mom and dad two and a half years ago, "I am not doing anything but letting you get to know me better..."
Maybe I could let the world get to know me better too. And in the process, maybe some attitudes will change.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
I found this list of questions on another Blog... http://ramblingsofiovan.blogspot.com/2006/09/thirteen-questions.html
So I thought I'd answer it with what I believe to be true. Don't like it? Tough. Write your own answers!
1. Can SSA/homosexuality be completely overcome?
It all depends on how you use the word "Overcome"---if you mean "will it always be a part of my life?" I believe it will be. I don't think it will ever stop being a part of our lives. BUT we can control it, not allow it to bother us, and also to not let it rule our lives or thoughts.
2. Is it necessary to understand where my SSA comes from before I can deal with it, or is it possible to just accept that I have these feelings and then deal with them?
I think sometimes it helps to figure out where they might have stemmed from---but not always. SSA feelings could have any number of causes or roots... I do not think we will ever have concrete answers. BUT to me, it doesn't matter much... Genetic. Behavioral. Social. Psychological... Mix of the above. Who cares!
The most important issue is not where your feelings come from... nor how to "rid" yourself of them. The most important question is "How am I going to live my life the best way Possible? How can I help the most people? How can I ultimately be happy?"
3. Is it possible to deal with SSA without help from others? If not, where do I go for help?
Oh goodness No! Do not go alone. Its rather lonesome when you feel like a "lone freak" in a sea of normal people. I live in Utah and I don't fit the mold of what a typical Mormon is. But I love to be me! AND I love that I have friends who are just like me... who appreciate the same things in life.
4. Is being in a relationship before getting a better understanding of all of this going to be helpful or harmful (also thinking about the other person)?
I think its best to understand this issue before dating. UNLESS the person you're with is learning with you. I think men who get married without telling their wives have an extra step to hurdle but its not impossible. I know lots of married and happy couples where one deals with this. I have an ex-girlfriend and I do not regret dating her and "giving it a shot"... She's still one of my favorite people and the only woman I've ever wanted to share my life with. She's an amazing woman... (And we did not break up because of SSA issues)
5. What is the influence of acting out on my same sex attractions while dealing with SSA - do I start with obedience to the law of chastity, or is that something that can come later?
I think when someone acts on any natural feelings it makes it harder to stay away. I do love kissing---always have... but I wouldn't have known what I was missing unless I tried it out. And I have. But I've turned over a new leaf so I do not participate in as much kissing as I once did! So I think it makes it harder to stay true to your values... SOOOOOO I think you have to figure out safe ways to get your needs met. Whether its through hugs. A little holding therapy type stuff. Quick friendship kisses... Whatever.
I think you need to be careful with whatever you do. And with whomever you do it with!
6. Should I seek contact with other people experiencing SSA or should I focus on good and meaningful relationships with straight people?
Oh! Relationships with other MOHO's is very important. I thank our Heavenly Father all the time for giving me friends who deal with this... and the example of my first MOHO friend still makes me happy knowing he was the first person I met who dealt with it. It reminds me that I not alone.
7. Should I focus on developing deeper relationships with women?
I think its good to develop deeper relationships with women... and ALSO MEN! I don't think we have as many issues relating to women. I love shopping. I love cooking. Animals. Broadway showtunes. etc. Its not that hard to relate to women in this way...
8. Are there any other issues I should address if I want to fully address SSA? What are they?
This is personal and depends on each situation. I think a lot of times, we suffer for years through depression and suicidal thoughts (as I have done)... those issues concerned me more than SSA.
9. Is SSA a sexual thing or is it a matter of underlying issues?
Once again, I don't think its necessarily a sexual thing. It might be sexual for some if they've acted out on it---but generally, I think SSA is a personal journey towards becoming a more fulfilled person.
10. Would I be able to develop heterosexual attractions towards women? (Can I change the fact that a woman has to be drop dead gorgeous before I'm even remotely attracted to her, while even an average looking guy immediately seems to attract my attention?)
I don't know if I want to develop an attraction to women. I like being attracted to men. It is for this reason that my life is the way it is. I used to pray for an attraction to my now-ex-girlfriend which never came. I was attracted to her in all the ways which are non-physical and non-sexual... until she became a little mean to me. (We broke up for non-SSA related reasons...)
After speaking to many of my friends, I know that they developed their attractions to women once they got married to an understanding woman who worked WITH them rather than just trying to get them to change. Or wanting them to be a different type of person.
11. Is the answer found in developing deeper relationships with men or maybe with one man in particular, and then finding out the nature of the needs that are met?
I don't think we need to look for an "Answer"---its not like we have some big overlying question. I don't think looking for an answer will help you find it. Do SSA feelings cause you self-hatred? If so---work on LOVING yourself. Does SSA lead you down dark paths---seeking sexual activity with strangers through cruising or something---if so, then WORK ON THAT. Does SSA cause you to be depressed? If so, work on the depression---work on not being depressed! There's help for that!
I think developing relationships with men is important. Including developing a relationship with our Savior.
12. What can contribute to my motivation to deal with this (which ever way it goes) and not give up?
Decide what you really want---not just what your family wants you to do or your church leaders... Decide what YOU really want. And work towards it.
13. How will I know the right answers to some of the yes or no questions?
Your answers to questions might change over time. Keep trying to figure out what you really believe... it might take a while. But when you know, it feels great!
Sunday, September 30, 2007
One of my thoughts which I've been working on for the last couple of months is my anger---not anger towards the church since I love the church. I truly do (even if I don't always---or ever---fit the LDS Church Boy mold.)
Sometimes in the past I've become a little angry towards gays in the church. Not Moho's. Not Gays outside the church. But those gay men in the church who leave---either going inactive or remaining active while having sex and having boyfriends... (the latter annoys me even more than the former group...)
An old friend of mine is now an out gay man. He says he's happy. He's left BYU, moved to another state, doesn't go to church and is now an atheist or something... We see this all the time---church members who leave for one reason or another. So WHY do I sometimes get frustrated and angry with these church members?
Well, I should say why DID I get annoyed? Since generally, it doesn't bother me anymore.
Because I'm happier than they are. I have people who love me. I have a major in a school I love... I have a supportive family, generally, and I get to spend my free time doing my favorite hobby. And I have some amazing friends---in and out of the Moho community. Yes, I do have friends who are not into boys! I swear!
I used to be angry at them---maybe part of it was a deep down jealousy.
As I go to each Evergreen Conference and as I mature as a person, I now have changed my anger to pity and concern... I feel bad for them. Since once they knew the truth and they have now turned away from it. A lot of them have criticized me since I'm not running around town wearing pink and waving the rainbow flag... I do not care though since I am happy as I am.
I hope I'm an example to them. Since they are my brothers in the gospel.
If I can just stay true to the steps I've taken.... it will all come through. If its fate, let it be. Cause now I see... I can wait.
Change takes time, its a long hard climb. But I'll get to the top if I'm steady.
And where love's concerned, well--I guess I've learned just to trust He'll be here when He's ready...
If I can just stay true to the steps I've taken.... it will all come through. I'll let fate set the day. It's okay... I can wait.
Plant the tiniest seed down below. Tent it well. Then stand back and just watch it grow. Watch me Grow.
If I can just stay true to the steps I have taken.... it will all come through. Name the date and say when. But till then...
I can Wait.
--I Can Wait, deleted song from Hairspray the Musical...
Saturday, September 29, 2007
I watched Wuthering Heights last night and the scene where the torn Cathy Earnshaw must confront her love for the gypsy, Heathcliff, while he (unbeknownst to her) is overhearing still breaks my heart... when she says "I AM Heathcliff..."
It melts my heart. And makes me want someone to love me like that and to be there everyday to tell me that.
It would be nice, huh?
Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same, and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire.
I cannot express it; but surely you and everybody have a notion that there is, or should be an existence of yours beyond you. What were the use of creation if I were entirely contained here?
My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning; my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the Universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it.
My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods. Time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees — my love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath — a source of little visible delight, but necessary.
Nelly, I am Heathcliff — he's always, always in my mind — not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself — but as my own being — so, don't talk of our separation again — it is impracticable.... Catherine Earnshaw in Wuthering Heights.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Its nice to do something for someone else without getting anything in return. Other than just doing a favor for someone you love. That's a reward in itself. Having someone to do nice things for.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
While there we were wandering around. And I decided it was a good idea to buy some flowers for our bathroom. I had a vase and some glass stones. All we needed was foliage and such... So we picked out some blue and white flowers which looked nice.
Its a Moho bathroom. Its supposed to be color-coordinated. And then when we were walking around we found some pretty silk orchids. Normally 3 bucks each... now marked down to 2.25. I checked the price again and they were 75 cents! So I bought three for less than the price of one regularly.
Cool Roommate and I are still boggled that the straighties haven't picked up on the clues yet. They must be blind.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
I spent a lot of last night being bored and lonely. I was also in a cuddling mood. Yes. Sometimes Mohos get in the mood to cuddle just like everyone else. I didn't have anyone to cuddle with so I just hugged my body pillow last night instead.
I could have really used a hug.
I wasn't depressed or anything last night. Just was in the mood to spend time with someone. But no one was around. I guess I need to make more friends. Or just text a friend if I'm ever bored or lonely. Sigh.
I did talk to one of my best friends online last night for a few hours. He and I are amigos para siempre. For those of you who know me, you can probably guess who it was. It was really nice.
Today I'm wearing a ring on my left hand ring finger. Its a social experiment. Trying to see who notices. So far, no one. Sometimes I wear it on my left hand just to see if people question whether I'm married or not. I have decided if anyone asks if I'm married, I'll say yes and point out the nearest girl to me as my spouse.
I'm not married though. Since no one would marry a fugly slut like me. Kidding! I'm not Fugly! :)
I'm REALLY in the mood for a movie night. Like, seriously. I want to watch Rent SOOOO badly. I was listening to the music last night and I was like "Woah! Its been months since I've seen Rent!" So if anyone who is reading this wants to watch Rent with me, let me know. I need to buy a cheap DVD player for my living room since right now we have a big screen TV with no DVD player. And that is lame.
I'm now the research assistant for a professor. I'll be researching some early church families for her. Don't know what I'll be doing exactly. Or what I get paid. But whatever.
Speaking of cuddling...
I kind of wonder what it would be like to be really affectionate with a girl. Like, I had an ex-girlfriend but it was long distance so it wasn't really like dating... more like Jane Austenian courtship through letters... I've cuddled with some of my guy friends. Just as a friend thing. Not like a sexual or romantic thing or something. I haven't done that in a while---not since I got back to this country. And I miss that closeness. It doesn't have anything to do with sexual things. Its just nice to feel loved by a friend and to be close to someone.
Does that make sense?
Its not sexual with a guy to cuddle. And since I'm a Moho, cuddling with a girl wouldn't be sexual either. Would it feel the same? Would it be weird? Would I like it? I dunno.
I think the same about kissing. Would kissing a girl be fun? Would it be weird? I dunno.
Guess I have more to learn and experience. In the meantime, I'll be taking applications for anyone who wants to cuddle.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
One is my cool roommate. We'll call him "Cool Roommate" ... Then there's ITT Tech and the Catfisher. Hereafter these last two might be referred to as the "Straighties" when used plurally.
Cool Roommate is by far my favorite. Hands-down. We have been friends for like 3 months and from the first email we were like oddly like brothers or something. Hard to describe. Also a Moho.
So Cool Roommate and I don't really love the Straighties. They're a little annoying. All they do is watch Football and say the F Word.
The F Word, you say?
And they go to church every week, evidently. So we live with two guys who swear all the time. No joke. Its ridiculous.
I shouldn't judge since I do think swearing can be hilarious. I used to give the finger to my friends all the time as a form of endearment. Sick and twisted, I guess. But I was a freshman and I was stupid. Some of my good friends---including my first ever Moho buddy---helped get me to realize swearing is silly and not very Christ-like. So I have grudgingly stopped to be obedient and all that jazz.
I am the oldest in the apartment, I think. The Straighties are so immature. Its hard to tell their age. Cool Roommate and I think they're a little retarded. Since seriously all they do is watch TV and its not just that its TV... its the crappiest TV shows they could choose. Seriously.
ITT Tech watches Prison Break which is the only one of his shows I like. Well, I don't even like it since I've never watched it. But if I HAD to watch a show he watches, I would watch that.
Cool Roommate and I have cleaned the apartment like everyday since we moved in. Catfisher and ITT Tech do nothing.
Oh, and they also call everything faggy, sh*tty, and love to call each other (and their friends) motherf*****s... No joke. I never said words THAT bad even when i was a freshman and would swear occasionally on campus.
Which brings me to the best story ever from my LDS Campus life... I was once in the Religion building. Middle of the day. I was walking and I stumbled on some stairs. I ended up exclaiming "Oh S**t" a little too loudly and it echoed down the hallway I was walking in... echoing down the very hallway where about 5-6 Book of Mormon classes were going on.
I bolted out the door and didn't look back. I didn't want to get into trouble.
Funny? Yes. Inappropriate? Yes. Such was my life as a Freshman.
Anyway, so ITT Tech doesn't talk to Cool Roommate and I. He ignores us. He and Catfisher are buddies. Catfisher and I talk enough to the point that I like him and don't want him to move out. Well, I kind of do... but whatever. But thats just so that Cool Roommate and I could pick better roommates.
I'm an interesting mix. Lived in a couple places, all non-Mormon. Until I came to school. Now I live in the mecca of all Mormondom---Utah. Graduating in a few months from the Mecca of all mormon schools---BYU. And I actually love it here.
I will use this blog to express some of my thoughts and feelings. I don't know if anyone will ever read it.
My name comes from my undying love for post-it notes. Who doesn't love post-its? They're quick, easily accessible, and have a million uses. Okay, so really they just can get stuck to things. And they're only used for writing messages. Like reminders to clean the kitty litter box or buy some brown sugar next time you're at the store. But still... Post it notes have saved my life. THANKS Romy and Michelle!