Friday, October 26, 2012

Oh really?

I sometimes wonder what is my future with the church when I see people who make statements such as the following.

Mitt Romney is quoted as having said:

"The children of America have the right to have a father and a mother,'' Romney said in his prepared remarks. "What should be the ideal for raising a child? Not a village, not ‘parent A' and ‘parent B,' but a mother and a father.''
Romney also warned about the societal impact of gay parents raising children. "Scientific studies of children raised by same-sex couples are almost nonexistent,'' he said. "It may affect the development of children and thereby future society as a whole.''
Romney expressed similar beliefs during a speech in 2005 to socially conservative voters in South Carolina, as he was beginning to be viewed as a serious candidate for president.
"Some gays are actually having children born to them,'' he declared. "It's not right on paper. It's not right in fact. Every child has a right to a mother and father.''

There are two parts to my worrying about my future involvement in the church:

1) Will I continue to see people with views such as this? Undoubtedly it will happen, especially with a recent General Conference talk by Dallin H. Oaks which discussed children of gay couples and single parents as being without a doubt, disadvantaged, and essentially neglected.

2) Will there be any change if I leave? Undoubtedly not, once again. If I go to church with my future black son and do my best to raise him well, maybe it will change some hearts and minds to open their hearts and minds. 

I still believe in the church despite some of these kinds of statements. People who doubt the sincerity with which I desire to be a father need only to read this blog for a few entries to know it is a passion of mine. To not be a parent would kill me.

Will I stay? I like to think I'd say yes, especially given No. 2's logic. Maybe I will be the gay Mormon parent pioneer, having a multi-racial family and breaking everyone's narrow-minded thought process down.

Friday, October 19, 2012

It doesn't make sense...

... why do I care about someone who doesn't return my feelings? Is it because I'm so desperate to be loved? Or is it because I have some sort of sick self-mutilating hatred for myself that I continue to put myself into those same situations where I will undoubtedly get hurt?

I have a job interview coming up for another part-time job but it could turn into part-time long-term.

... I wish I had a job so I could be getting further out of debt. I want a house and a child. I don't want anything crazy in life. I have given up on the ideas of fame and fortune which were my naive ideas from my youth. I have basically also given up on ever having a person who'd love me in a complete way as well.

And yet, I continue to desire that love even though I fight myself into thinking it is not possible.

... Time after time, I find that I'm struggling to tell what's burning inside of me.

Maybe I make myself available too much, hoping that people I care about will think of me and want to be around me.

... I just want to be happy.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I realize...

... its been a while since I've felt loved. Its not a good feeling.

I wish that I had someone who'd scoop me up and hold me tight---without wanting anything from me besides my company and my heart.

Maybe it is too much to hope for.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

King of the World

I feel like sometimes we have within us a great power for happiness. I feel like I do too, but I'm being blocked from reaching my full potential and destiny.

This is the song of a slave, a former prince, locked inside a ship being brought to the Americas. Its the end of a very powerful song. Sometimes I relate to feeling trapped inside my current situation.

I will not be defeated
I will stand like a mountain
And the road will stretch before me
And they'll know it's time to follow

And we'll lift our eyes
And raise our heads
And face the sun
And tell the future
I'm king of the world
Land of the free
High in the sky
The best that I can be
And I'm king of the world
Watch and you'll see
Nothing can stop me from tomorrow,
Keep me from my destiny

I'm king of the world
I'm king of the world
I'm . . . I'm . . .
At least I used to be

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Isn't is supposed to help...?

This is General Conference weekend. Its supposed to be a time of great reflection for Latter-day Saints who learn all sorts of new and wonderful things, as well as be reminded of past ideas and principles they haven't thought about as much recently.

I have had to walk my dog during parts of Conference so I've missed a lot of it. However, the parts I did hear didn't even help me. I feel so lost and purposeless that nothing helps me.

I keep hoping that something would go right in my life so I'm not so pissed off all the time and angry with where my life is. Naively I thought that General Conference might give some meaning to me. Granted, I've missed a lot of it... but the parts I heard offered me nothing. 

The bitterness might be here to stay.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Nobody's problems for me

... Its hard when one imagine their life with a person---then realizing that maybe that future life won't happen. Recently I began a careful bit of self-reflection and realized that falling in love has consequences: sometimes one needs to fall out of love.

Sometimes one needs to fall out of love because the affections are not returned. Sometimes one has to fall out of love because its unhealthy. Other moments, falling out of love is gradual and less painful. Sometimes it is mutual and sometimes one-sided.

No matter what, there is pain involved.

Keeping that person at a safe distance while continuing to fall out of love is difficult. Because usually when I fall in love, I want to be with that person all the time. Lots of late night talks, lots of late-night walks and late-night kisses.

So when I fall out of love, I have to distance myself emotionally and put up barricades. Which puts me in a lonely position. Perhaps being out of love is easier than being in love ultimately---less pain to deal with.

Love is hard. I'm going to do my best to avoid romantic love for a long time.

A friend of mine told me that I could talk about adoption for hours---and I probably could. I have so many plans but I have no one to share those plans with. Its a little pathetic that a 30 year old man would project that vision onto someone else and even imagine that somehow that my dreams could become a reality as much for someone else as they'd be for me.

Perhaps it is better to be out of love after-all. No one for me to hurt. And no one to hurt me.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Do you ever think...?

... that you are really going a little bit insane?