Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Unrest in Zion

I was IMed by a friend who was upset with the USGA organization. I will not name names as to his identity, but he is a very good guy. Not one of those fanatics I've discussed earlier---the name of the group escapes me... He's not one of them. He's just genuinely concerned.

He brought up some good points. Many of the members are unashamedly admitting to not planning on continuing in the church in the future. Some leaders of the group admit to dating. I know of some who are sexually active.

However, this is not nearly as shocking enough to me that I even take notice.

Why? Because this is how I saw BYU and the Mohos. There are tons who are leaving. Tons who are sexually active. I could have probably had a different fella every weekend if I'd wanted to. (I didn't, I might add---so no one takes this blog as a public confession of my being a common whore. haha.)

Mohos had no voice when I went to BYU. It was common to hear about guys who hadn't done anything to be pulled into the Honor Code office. Merely associating with gay people or going to a club (neither of which are sins, although I don't necessarily SUPPORT people going to clubs necessarily since I'd rather go to the theater...)

Before USGA and some of the public appearances and changes, we had no voice. So most guys left the church because the most vocal community are those who have left. Having USGA brought a dialogue to the BYU community about this being an issue. It also allowed guys to find others who wanted to remain in the church as well. Is it an ideal organization? No. However, I've been involved in NorthStar, Evergreen, and some online support groups. None are ideal. A lot of the people are good. Some are creepy. Some have hit on me outright (I'm gorgeous, what can I say? Kidding.) Others have become good friends and support networks to me.

Where is the best support to be found? I guess here in the Wasatch its easy enough to meet Mohos who are churchy. But not everywhere.

There's a lot of bad seeds no matter where one goes. It causes me to be concerned. I get nervous telling people to go and meet guys and girls in the community. Since some could be dangerous. Not any more dangerous than any other community. Minus that some of the guys can be wolves in sheep's clothing---appear good on the outside, wearing garments, going to church, while secretly being very sexually confused and sexually active.

What is the best set of actions for guys in our situation? I dunno. I just offer advice. Is USGA the answer? I don't know. But so far, we're doing a lot of blind wandering into territory which the church hasn't offered much hope for. Not the level of hope which is comforting, anyway. At least in my opinion.

My best advice? Figure out where you want to be. And stick with it. Focus on things you can have influence over... changes which are effective in the long run. Work on your goals. Take good things from all the groups and people you can. But don't let them differentiate you from the path you really want to be on.

Monday, June 25, 2012

I feel like...

... sometimes I just want to call it quits with life and move to another place.

My job hunt is not going well. Not been able to find any jobs within my field. I'm searching for other career opportunities. Wondered about going to get a Masters Degree in Social Work and then get a job in an adoption agency. Totally different career path. Not sure if it is just a pipe-dream or a day-dream since I'm just tired of not having a real career.

My future plans of fatherhood will never happen without a career. That I know. Why it is taking me so long to reach that, I'll never know.

I'm trying to figure out ways to clean up my life and maybe start over a little bit. Anyone ever feel like starting over is the best possible idea?

Thursday, June 21, 2012

I had a dream

Last night I had a dream that I was able to turn in my adoption papers and within a few days I was notified about a child who needed to be adopted. He was 6 years old, had come from a village where his whole family was killed... And I was asked if I wanted to adopt him without seeing a photo of him, as he needed a family immediately.

Some might think "Why would I want to adopt a child if I've never seen him?" Well, the funny thing is that I will be working towards an adoption where I wouldn't meet the child before he was legally mine. And because I'm not necessarily doing the adoption just to adopt a picture-perfect child, why would it be necessary to see a picture?

It was a good dream. I wish it was reality.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

What makes you think there's a difference...?

On the Northstar Facebook Community there was a recent discussion about the differences between Moho, SGA, Same-Sex Attracted, gay, etc.

Everyone has a different opinion. Many are radically opposed to one or the other. Some will fight to the death.

To me... the only difference in definition is what you've assigned to it since they all mean the same thing to me:

You are attracted to people of your own gender.

That is something we all have in common. Does it matter in the end what we call ourselves? Does calling oneself gay mean they've given up or given in to temptation? No. It is just a weird which that person has chosen to assign themselves. The only connotations or meanings which it has in addition are what we assign it. So why should there be any difference? Why do some feel one means something better than another?

Personally, I think it is a dividing line. People who call themselves same-gender attracted vs. those who call themselves gay. I don't even like labels, but whatever people call me, doesn't mean I am any one particular way. I am still myself and making my own choices as to actions I want to do in my life. Some good, some bad.

There are some holier-than-thou who believe they're superior to others and have to check up on everyone else's business. So if someone calls themselves gay, then that person is obviously a wicked individual and people need to be alerted. That is why the very much appreciated "Ignore\Block" button was invented. Thank you facebook!

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Refocusing on my future...

I've pretty well decided to change wards and will be going to a ward in the Avenues in Salt Lake City tomorrow. I don't have any friends in my current ward so I figure it doesn't hurt to try out a new one?

I wonder if changing wards will be a good way for me to refocus my energies a bit... I'm also going to begin focusing on some of the fundraising things soon. I need to find a way to get a website going so I can track my progress. Its difficult for me to figure out exactly how open I can or should be at this point. I want to be able to advertise on Facebook and other places... I have 600+ friends on there. If every person on that list paid me 46 dollars, I'd have everything I need to adopt a child from Africa AND buy several months of food for the orphans from whence he will come.

I am hoping to be in a house within a year from now. I am hoping to have my adoption paid for within two years. I am hoping to pay for the adoption through various fundraisers. . .

One of my plans is to contact celebrities for either cash or souvenirs to sell. I'm looking at purchasing some books online which will help me in that regard. I've read of people raising THOUSANDS of dollars this way. So I might make an investment of like $100 to send letters to celebrities who have adoptions, orphanages, Africa, etc. as projects they're interested in.

I'd like to see myself focus less on the attractions aspect in life. I'd like to focus on changes I can work towards---changes of getting out of debt, into a house, and having a child...

Sometimes we need to refocus. Sometimes we need to recharge. Sometimes we just need to work on something which gives us meaning.

If anyone has any charity fund-raising experience or some advice, let me know. :) 

Monday, June 11, 2012

Am I the only one?

Sometimes I think I'm the last Moho who still goes to church. And the fact that right now I feel like I'm slipping through the cracks of the gospel. . . Am I the only one who feels this way?

Last week I found out my old friend, who I don't really talk to much anymore, left the church. He chose to leave, which in a way is harder than him being excommunicated. He said he felt prompted to leave. Which makes me wonder "What is the truth?" Sometimes I feel miracles are happening in my life---and that at times prayers are being answered. But are they being answered? Or is this merely some sort of cosmic energy?

I've been praying more that I'd know that the gospel is true. If I knew without a doubt in my head, being the only one still going to church (or feeling like I am) wouldn't be so lonely. I don't know why I'm not that popular with Mohos---why I've never really been invited to parties and things like that. I could handle that easier if I wasn't feeling like I was the only Moho around. Maybe if I was more open minded to marriage, less opinionated about every topic on the planet, or went to JIM I'd be part of the cool Moho gang and be invited to things ... so then I wouldn't be the only one. I dunno.

Sometimes I just wish I didn't have doubts that my whole life was a complete sham if it turned out the church wasn't right. When I see people leaving the church, especially when they say the spirit told them to do so, it causes doubts.

And I don't like that.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Wandering purposeless but with enjoyment

Last night I met up with a friend and we wandered around downtown Salt Lake City. We discussed all sorts of things. We didn't really have a reason to be out walking around other than to chat. It was actually really pleasant and very much needed.

Sometimes wandering around with no purpose is kind of a good thing.

I've decided to really grip my finances by the cootchie bits and get them under control. I mapped out my expenses from last month and I'm shocked. I've spent $500 on groceries alone! Ridiculous. So I'm now trying to figure out my budget for how much of my paycheck will go where. I'd like to see a huge chunk of my debts be GONE within a year. So I'll be cutting back and re-applying my money to places which it is most needed. Still will have to work tons of hours, but at least I'll be getting closer to my goals.

For Christmas this year, I think I'm going to get myself an Ipod. Actually, when I get rid of my major debt, that will be my reward. Doesn't even need to be a fancy one. I just want to be able to listen to Glee, showtunes, and dance music while exercising.

In other news, I'm officially between 6-8 lbs lighter than the beginning of May. I need to lose more weight... and I will. I just need to keep working towards it.