Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Standard of Liberty... Are you joking?

I might end up doing my own Q+A as to what is wrong with groups like the Standard of Liberty. For those who haven't seen them, they are a very fundamentalist group based in Utah County. Essentially they're so pro-family that they don't see same gender attracted people as human in my opinion.

Here's their FAQ:

I have strayed away from giving my honest in the moment views on them. Recently this group has been brought to my attention and it angered me so much I said I needed a few days before I posted on them.

Their views are archaic---dealing with old fashioned ideas that homosexuality is inherently evil, full of all sorts of perversions, etc.

Have these people ever met any of us? I mean---even though I might be still LDS and following those rules---it doesn't mean I'm any different from the rest of the gay community in a sense. I mean, what I am is a gay person who just happens to follow the LDS standards. Do I have an easy time with it? No. But am I different from a non-LDS gay person? Not really. I am just as attracted to Ryan Phillippe as anyone else. And actually, thats not true... I prefer Chris Hemsworth in Thor. And I don't even like blonde guys. But---smokin!

This FAQ is full of hatred in my opinion. The idea that homosexuality is full of sexual deviants, promotes unhealthy lifestyle choices, and is full of just these like horrible individuals... Its archaic. And it is derogatory. These are likely the same people who'd protest a gay couple moving into their neighborhood since it would tear down the family. Or something stupid like that.

Do they mean well? I am sure they think they are. However, I just see them as being very negative. I don't know why they would have to feel the need to behave like that towards gay people.

The idea that they still find homosexuality to be a curable issue is insane to me. My early blog posts dealt with my struggling for years to find a way out of it... I thought that if I prayed long enough, fasted, yearned for change that it would come. Well, either Heavenly Father doesn't answer prayers (which I don't believe---as I believe in the power of prayer very much!) or this isn't something that can be "cured" in that way. I have never seen anything in their way of statistics in my life---I'd love to know where they get those from. I've never met gay people who have been cured. The fact that they're claiming this says to me that they're out-dated in their views. Honestly, how could I not see them in this light?

Their claim that all the gay-to-straight people just want to hide their previous identities and thats why they don't make any big claims about it now? BS! If they really knew a way out of these attractions, they'd be marketing it as a means of making a quick buck. Thats the American way!

I just think they're ridiculous. And these ideas are going to perpetuate negative stereotypes, self-hatred and suicides.

End of discussion about them. For now.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Liberal thinking... or hope for the future?

Recently I've been termed a liberal. This weekend, its happened a few times with people who know me from online discussions on the NorthStar group pages. Although most of the time, it is not meant as a complaint or a negative---for some people, liberal thinking might be viewed as a threat.

For example:

A typical LDS guy often times lives their life following the rules. Scouting, seminary, graduation, off to BYU, mission, and then comes home and marries... Mohos usually do the same thing if they've come from nice families. I, of course, am different and didn't follow all of them. But I was more or less the same good LDS kid growing up.

A moho tends to follow the same route as his straight\OSA\whatever peers. However, when he returns from the mission and likely BYU, he's left with feelings attraction to his own gender. Most, if not all, of the time, the attractions haven't changed on his mission. He likely wished they would, but they didn't.

Many of those guys go on to therapies through Evergreen or what-not. Many seek refuge in the gospel, hoping the feelings will go away with time. So they can be "normal"... Some seek marriage for the wrong reasons (i.e. to get the feelings to go away...) Although this is less of a route in more recent years, thank goodness. Many fight for years and years---hating those attractions, hating themselves, many turn suicidal or battle years of depression.

Now what I am about to say will shock or scare you. But what if you didn't have to be depressed, anxious, suicidal or full of self-loathing? What if you could love yourself?

When I first started to go through cognitive therapy, my therapist wasn't as concerned about changing my orientation as he was about making my brain get reworked to get myself motivated to think more positively.

If you could love yourself, would you be as worried about changing yourself?

If you could love yourself, would you go through life feeling suicidal or depressed?

If you could love yourself, would that change your desire to be in the gospel?

In all likelihood, your answer would be NO.

Just because you are not full of self-loathing doesn't mean you're any less of a gay\ssa\sga\Moho Mormon. You'd be MORE of one. (Not calling you a sissy boy! I promise!) You'd be a more positive example for those in the community to aspire to be like. There are so many guys out there who feel like they're in this constant struggle with these unwanted, hated attractions which make them feel like they're rotten to the core.

Some might find it liberal that I teach to love yourself. I think it might be the hope for the future in regards to our attractions. We don't have to be full of self-loathing to be a Latter-day Saint. The Prophets have counseled us to be happy people. I am not saying that you need to leave the church. I'm not saying that you have to stay. I'm saying, you need to be HAPPY. And if you're not, then try to be.

How is it a threat? Well, I think some people genuinely believe that life has to be a constant struggle. Sure, I still struggle with things---I have to pay my taxes soon which is a struggle. I have annoyances and pains in my neck happen. Do I have to be unhappy while living life with these attractions? Nope. Does it mean I've quit, thrown in the towel, or admitted defeat because I love myself? No way!

I don't think I'm rotten. I'm not a cracked vase with the crack to the wall. I'm me. 105% Post-it Boy. And overall, I love myself. Even my attractions.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

You're not alone

When I woke up this morning to discover several posting the obituary or news article about a local Utah Moho who committed suicide, I was a little hurt and shocked. It is getting press not just in Utah. Social media will spread it around the globe.

So I decided to put my own spin on it today. I commented on an acquaintance's posting saying that I understood what he was going through. I have thought about suicide due to my depression issues. Once in my junior year of college, I even began to cut my wrists in an attempt to take my own life.

It was a dark period in my life where I was very lonely and didn't think I'd ever find happiness. I felt unworthy of anyone's love. Completely dirty, filthy, and unloved. I used a sharp pair of scissors and cut at my wrists until I saw blood. When I saw the blood, I freaked out and dropped the scissors and grabbed at my wrist. The bleeding eventually stopped. I covered the cuts up with a huge silver bandage (I happened to have them in my medicine cabinet---imagine that! Always the boy scout despite quitting when I was 13...)

I remember going shopping a few days later and a friend asked about the bandage. I said I fell. I don't know if he believed me.

It was near finals time so I was swamped with school work. But I told a friend what happened. He invited me to his home for a sleepover. He never asked me why I cut my wrists. He just let me sleep next to him in his bed while I cried.

I will not name who he is. However, he's still one of my best friends. And he always will be since he was the only person I wanted to talk to. He was also the only person who understood without being told that I was going through a hard time. He never pushed me for juicy facts or asked me what happened to push me over the edge. I will not discuss that here either.

And thats when things started to improve. I decided I wasn't going to kill myself. I also was going to live.

I went on an Internship to Europe the following summer. I did a bit of traveling. I met someone who helped me to see that, yes, the world does get better. He and I spend a lot of time together now. So I'm not as lonely anymore.

My point for bringing this up---and I will undoubtedly tell more of the story and more of my feelings on this subject... My point for bringing it up though is that I honestly think that we need acknowledgement. We are NOT alone. We are NOT the only ones who struggle. We have been asked to do a remarkable thing in this life: balance homosexuality and the gospel. I believe this is the toughest trial one can be asked to endure in this life. Some decide to go one way, some decide to go another. Some never figure it out.

We cannot feel like we're alone. There are thousands of us out there. Someone out there in the Moho community has felt how you've felt, has cried like you've cried, and has conquered whatever you want to conquer...

So for those who have ever felt a need to commit suicide... Send me a message below. You're not alone. I've been there. Don't become another reason for people to blog. Be a conquerer---fight whatever demons are making you feel inferior. YOU are worth it. Its taken me a long time to realize that I can be happy, gay, and Mormon. Your choice today is to be happy, whatever that means. Don't waste your life being sad and depressed. There's so many sad and depressed people in the world. You don't need to be one of them. Choose today to be happy.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


I've read some blogs in the past about people who claim to be asexual. I don't say "claim" to be confrontational. Or negative about what they're saying. I say claim because I've never met anyone in person who is. Nor have I been able to fully determine what that means.

Is the person void of sexuality now? Or is it repressed? Or is it merely that they focus on so many other things they're not attracted to any particular gender right now?

Its an interesting concept. Not sure how I feel regarding it, personally, but it seems an interesting concept. Would asexuality be preferable to some people? I suppose if someone has an unwanted sexual compulsion they might favor asexuality to a sexual preference. However, does this even work? How would one go about turning off the switch? Is it a mental exercise? Is the person already not highly sexual anyway?

I'd like to know. And I'd like to know what others think.

Monday, March 12, 2012

A cliche?

Okay, I was referred to this blogpost...

Which I find hilarious. I LOVE it.

Seriously. Why do girls still have crushes on me? I am nearly 30. I own my own dog. Who is named after a character from a children's book.

I never date. I am well-groomed and wear french cuffed shirts to church.

I wear vintage tuxedo jackets. On a casual day. With jeans.

I talk about my dog more than girls.

I don't play sports.

I DO notice the good looking men who walk into a room. And generally if they come in to work, I give them extra good help. Much more so than females or unattractive men. So what? I'm bigotted.

I used to subscribe to GQ. Never read the dating articles. But I did dog-ear the pages with outfits I liked.

I prefer shopping to playing video games like a straightie would.

I worry about how fat I am. And I voice it. In public. Sometimes.

And yet, every so often, there's a poor clueless girl who I find out has a crush on me. WHY? Are these girls just so smitten by me they don't see the clues? Or am I so clever at hiding them from everyone except my faithful readers? Sigh.