Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Why I am the way I am... Part 3

For years I have been an outcast caused originally by my peers and later self-imposed.

I was teased relentlessly as a child. For that reason I kind of went into my own coccoon. I was very shy. Hardly ever spoke. So many ideas were in my head, but I never shared them. (Now I never STOP sharing them.)

As I got older, I opened up more fully. However, I still go into a sort of self-imposed isolation when I'm feeling down or depressed.

One reason why I'm the way that I am---I am a very sensitive person. I don't knowingly try to hurt anyone even when my words sometimes do.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Why I am the way I am... part 2

When I was younger, I thought everything was possible through the Gospel. Meaning, I thought that if I was good enough, prayed enough, went to church and did everything I was supposed to do, that I'd be healed and everything would become normal.

I used to read Chris Heimerdinger books and felt they were like scripture.

I used to listen to John Bytheway and thought he was so amazing.

I used to love LDS music.

I used to think that the only music which was appropriate was sung by LDS singers or broadway showtunes.

I used to think swearing was equal in its gravity as alcohol and drug use. All were forbidden and proof that the person was "bad and evil..."

And I really did used to think that the outside-the-LDS-world, people were out to get me and trick me into evil just like them. I secluded myself and isolated myself as I thought I'd been taught to live---

As I got older, I realized the world is wicked in parts but there's a lot of good there. I realized that as I got older and my sins became bigger---much worse than swearing---that I was still a good person deep down. As I got older, I went to nearly two years of therapy to get over the self-hatred that consumed my life. I also tried to recover from homosexuality. I almost got married. I went to therapy groups and Evergreen support things. I even was present when NorthStar was founded. I saw dozens of friends leave the church until it felt like I was the only one left.

I gradually turned my back on LDS culture seeing as how I feel, at times, it has ruined my train of thinking and made my life a mess.

I came to hate so much of the Gospel because it has altered so much my life that I cannot leave or stay without being tormented. I felt like I lost years of my life trying to find a cure which I firmly believe will never come in this life. And I am beginning to doubt if the next life even exists in the way we think it does.

I'm glad I have some standards in life. But I wish I didn't put myself through hell to get to the point I am now.

So when I'm a bit jaded, you can see why. I'm old, alone, and bitter. But still trying to figure out a balance.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Why I am the way I am... Part 1

I've gotten some flack in the last few years due to my being seen as liberal. Perhaps I am seen as a threat to people's security in the sense that I bring up ideas which are generally shunned by the Moho community? Perhaps it is because I make people uncomfortable with my doubts, issues of faith, or my lack of a desire to really try as hard? Maybe its because the LDS community tends to be very conservative and I am more moderate---with a leaning towards liberality on social issues?

I want everyone to know that I am not a bad person. I don't consider myself wicked or unkind or even irreverent... Even if I think differently from others. I believe that God loves me despite my choices, including those which will alienate me from the Mormon community at large.

I want to write a series of blog posts about why I am the way I am. People often question my desire for fatherhood, especially single-fatherhood. Before I continue, I want to say that I have prayed about my decision and I am following the answer to those prayers. However, people might wonder about my decision and why I am making that choice.

Why would I push myself into such an awkward situation within my own life and within the Mormon community? Why would I choose to segregate myself with the liberal view that I, as a single-gay-man, could raise a child as well if not better than any other person or couple? Am I a heretic for saying so and believing in that?

I truly don't believe I'm a heretic.

We're taught in the gospel that we're supposed to have families. However, for those like me who are not attracted to women but still have a desire for a family, we're in an awkward bind. I think that every Moho has to figure out where he or she belongs in the gospel perspective. So why am I the way I am about children?

Today I was listening to the song "The Spark of Creation" from the musical Children of Eden. In the show, God the Father has created two children and wishes for them to remain innocent and pure. Eve, in this song, discusses that there's a little spark inside of her which makes her want more in life.

Excerpts from this song which spoke to me:

I've got a hunger burning inside me, can not be denied
I've got feeling that the Father who made us
When he was kindling a pulse in my veins
He left a tiny spark of that fire, smoldering inside

The spark of creation, is flickering within me
The spark of creation,is blazing in my blood
A bit of the fire that lit up the stars
And breathed life into the mud, the first inspiration
The spark of creation

The spark of creation, is burning bright within me
The spark of creation, won't let me rest at all
Until I discover or build or uncover
A thing that I can call, my celebration
Of the spark of creation

The spark of creation, may it burn forever
The spark creation, I am a keeper of the flame
We think all we want is a lifetime of leisure
Each perfect day the same
Endless vacation
Well that's alright if you're a kind crustacean
But when you're born with an imagination
Sooner or later you're feeling the fire get higher and higher
The spark of creation!!!

I am not a crustacean. I was born with this spark of creation---this spark of wanting to be a father---this spark of wanting to create and build a life for myself. I don't need to create a child physically or pass along my genetic coding to be a father. I wish to be a father to an unloved child or children who would otherwise have no future or hope---

I knew from an early age that I was different, but should that difference which I never asked for or wanted prevent me from fulfilling my destiny of fatherhood?

I told my mother a few months ago that I was given a special gift. I love people with a pure love. It actually is mentioned in my patriarchal blessing. I have a heart that is so big to love all the unloved people of the world---in the case of my adoption plans, my heart is big enough for all the children of the world. My heart wasn't made in a way where I could love a woman as a partner in life. I see women as shopping partners and friends, and nothing else.

God doesn't make mistakes though. My heart wasn't made with an error. Maybe, just maybe, that spark of creation combined with the heart made big enough to love the unloved was made on purpose. There are children out there who would benefit from my overwhelming love for them and their innocence. Why should I deny them that love merely because it is unacceptable to most people in the LDS community---?

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Why stay?

My good friend made a comment yesterday which was difficult but also refreshing to hear:

              "If you weren't working for the church, you wouldn't be active in the church."

It was hard to hear because I've always felt like I am a good person who works really hard to be a good person. I don't love the church. I have issues with it. And I work for the church. Its not easy.

But I am trying my best in my limited understanding of what my best really means.

I don't think my friend who made that statement was doing so to rock my boat or to be unkind. I know he wasn't since he is not that type of person. I know he was giving his honest and sincere opinion about my future in the church.

It was still hard to hear. Especially coming from someone who has known me since my BYU days---so he's seen the ups and downs of my life.

I have not been able to balance my attractions and love for men with my faith. I'm not sure if it really is possible completely without having a hole in one area of my life.

You know what is funny, though... when I think of being a father, I don't see a hole in my heart. I will be able to fill it with a lot of love for my future children. Sure, I'll be the whore of babylon on the Block being a single father by choice---and undoubtedly be the subject of much gossip and unkind comments. However, I think that without being a father, I wouldn't be able to stay in the church even in my limited "fake smile" sort of way for more than another year or two.

When I brought up my testimony issues on the NorthStar facebook page, I got various responses. Some offered thanks for bringing up the topic. Others felt I was bashing. I do not do this sort of thing on purpose. I don't think I'm a basher of the church. One person even questioned why I'm still there in the group as I've brought the topic up before and seem to be making no progress. Is it my fault that I am making no progress? Maybe. Its hard to know where to go and what to do.

I kind of wish I wasn't so alone in this. I'd be a great father. It really sucks big monkey testicles that I was given this challenge in life to make fatherhood really hard. I can handle the fake smiles and doing my best if I wasn't alone and incapable of easily having a family without drama and pain associated with it.