Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Obsessive Compulsive and Me

I'm a little OCD at times. I was diagnosed at BYU by my therapist who asked me---point blank---"Do you think its normal what you do?" to which I replied, "Yes, doesn't everyone count their steps and walk in patterns? Then obsess over what people think of them?"

He said calmly "No, especially if it affects your daily life."

Well, in my case it did. I used to be obsessive over my appearance. Ironically, I believed my whole life I was ugly until much later in life, then became obsessed with the idea of beauty and being attractive... but it was always contingent on my following rules. No sweatshirts, no bright colors, no baggy jeans, no polo shirts, no this, no that...

I had long lists of rules. All the time. Rules I lived by.

Confessions over my life with patterns...

I really did used to walk in patterns. I like to count my steps to be in patterns. I love even numbers. I love odd numbers when arranging things. (i.e. Three flowers in a vase are better than 2) I love the numbers 24 and 26 since they're round and easily divided when walking city blocks. I don't care for math but I will walk in patterns, divide the numbers, figure out a pattern, and use it.

Sometimes I obsess over being a failure.

I have an addictive personality, which combined with OCD isn't good. I'd probably become a sex addict if I gave into those thoughts and ideas. I'd probably also use drugs and not be able to stop if I did.

Right now I obsess over figuring out my life. And nothing seems to be working into place. Sigh.

Sometimes OCD is hard.

I have a few friends who can talk me out of my OCD thought patterns. Sometimes I obsess so much over money, stress, work, life, etc. that I don't sleep since my mind turns those thoughts over and over and over again. Until they eventually wear me out mentally.

Yeah, OCD sucks.


ControllerOne said...

Well by golly, I so relate to your post. OCD can be unsupportable misery. It's really impossible to make someone who doesn't suffer from it understand why one has to do certain things.

The closest I've come to describing the compulsion is to explain that the feeling that comes from not performing your ritual (for me it's listing things - every friggin' thought) is akin to the feeling that comes from not being able to find a set of keys. Even when you have a spare set and don't need the everyday set immediately, that feeling still nags until you can locate it. Or even the feeling that comes from being about to say something and then forgetting it. That's the best I've been able to do.

Watch the movie Camp. There's a character in it with a numbers ritual. He takes an SSRI to help control it.

My point is, you are not alone Brother. It can be pure hell.

Post-It Boy said...

Ummm... I'm young, gay, love broadway showtunes and you assume I've not seen the show CAMP?!?!?! How rude. :) Just teasing.

I actually own it. I've seen it dozens of times. Vlad is super adorable.

Having OCD is a pain. Usually its managed but when I'm stressed it is worse.