Tuesday, September 11, 2012

No. 1 or No. 2?

I have an intense desire in me to be loved and to love in return. Love without reason or purpose other than to experience that love. Sometimes I hate my life thinking love, true love, isn't possible. At times in my past I tried to tell myself that being loved wasn't important. Other areas in my life were more important. Sometimes I get very cynical about love... not because I don't desire it, but its because I don't know if it will ever work out for me.

I've been in a sort-of relationship for a few years. It is celibate on my end. We started out as close friends who both loved the gospel but he has turned to hating it. What is worse is that I have come to resent being around him. Why? Because despite my being a good companion to him, I've never been his No. 1. I probably never will be.

I live with both him and another roommate. Over the last few years I've begun to feel like I'm drowning. I'm unhappy, I feel used and neglected, and generally unloved. I don't like being home all the time. In fact, I usually prefer being with someone else at home or at someone else's house entirely.

I don't feel like I'm anyone's No. 1. The person someone would choose over anyone else to be with. I'm beginning to wonder if that would ever happen. I tend to be very emotionally driven to be devoted to someone to almost ridiculous levels. Even if I am treated with unkindness, for some reason I stick around. Why? Because I'm a devoted person. I keep hoping that devotion will turn into me being someone's No. 1 who they'd choose over all others.

I think I'm destined to always be a No. 2 or 3. Someone who is just someone to fall back on when someone more enjoyable is around.

Is it wrong to want to be loved like that?

I realize I am sort of a mess at times. I have obsessive compulsive issues. I have only just recently begun to get my weight under control again. I'm not young. I'm not particularly gorgeous like the models on TV but I think I'm nice looking. I don't have a perfect body. I don't have a perfect personality. I can be moody and irritable. But I think I'm overall pretty kind. I love the gospel's principles even if they're sometimes hard to live by. I wish I had someone who thought about the gospel in positive ways, at least with the principles. I wish I had someone who'd go to church with me at least sometimes.

What I really wish is that I'd be someone's No. 1.

I'll never be anyone's knight in armor with a sword in hand. I'll never be a prince or a saint. I'll just keep waiting until someone, someday, realizes that the guy who has always been there for them is the best one they've had around.


Ned said...

If you could either be loved or love someone, but not both, which would you choose?

I relate to your post because I tend to have crushes on straight guys who will never love me the way I love them. But in my case that's a blessing since I am a bisexual man married to a woman.

Sometimes life seems like Send in the Clowns. My wife loved me in a way I couldn't fully love her in return. I have loved some straight men who can't fully love me. But I tell myself I am blessed to have love in my life. I am blessed to be able to love both men and women. And sometimes I believe it.

Send in the Clowns
by Stephen Sondheim

Isn't it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.
Send in the clowns.

Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move.
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.

Just when I'd stopped
Opening doors,
Finally knowing
The one that I wanted was yours,
Making my entrance again
With my usual flair,
Sure of my lines,
No one is there.

Don't you love farce?
My fault, I fear.
I thought that you'd want what I want -
Sorry, my dear.
But where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
Quick, send in the clowns.

What a surprise.
Who could foresee
I'd come to feel about you
What you'd felt about me?
Why only now when i see
That you'd drifted away?
What a surprise.
What a cliché.

Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late
In my career?
And where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don't bother - they're here.

Post-It Boy said...

I think that to love completely, one needs to have both love to get and love to give. I don't think I could choose one over the other.

Send in the Clowns is a song which covers a very deep pain. Clowns are sent into rodeos to hide a hurt person which is where the song comes from.

And speaking to me in a very gay way by using lyrics to a Broadway showtune... Props to you! I use Showtunes daily to channel my energies and emotions.