I have an intense desire in me to be loved and to love in return. Love without reason or purpose other than to experience that love. Sometimes I hate my life thinking love, true love, isn't possible. At times in my past I tried to tell myself that being loved wasn't important. Other areas in my life were more important. Sometimes I get very cynical about love... not because I don't desire it, but its because I don't know if it will ever work out for me.
I've been in a sort-of relationship for a few years. It is celibate on my end. We started out as close friends who both loved the gospel but he has turned to hating it. What is worse is that I have come to resent being around him. Why? Because despite my being a good companion to him, I've never been his No. 1. I probably never will be.
I live with both him and another roommate. Over the last few years I've begun to feel like I'm drowning. I'm unhappy, I feel used and neglected, and generally unloved. I don't like being home all the time. In fact, I usually prefer being with someone else at home or at someone else's house entirely.
I don't feel like I'm anyone's No. 1. The person someone would choose over anyone else to be with. I'm beginning to wonder if that would ever happen. I tend to be very emotionally driven to be devoted to someone to almost ridiculous levels. Even if I am treated with unkindness, for some reason I stick around. Why? Because I'm a devoted person. I keep hoping that devotion will turn into me being someone's No. 1 who they'd choose over all others.
I think I'm destined to always be a No. 2 or 3. Someone who is just someone to fall back on when someone more enjoyable is around.
Is it wrong to want to be loved like that?
I realize I am sort of a mess at times. I have obsessive compulsive issues. I have only just recently begun to get my weight under control again. I'm not young. I'm not particularly gorgeous like the models on TV but I think I'm nice looking. I don't have a perfect body. I don't have a perfect personality. I can be moody and irritable. But I think I'm overall pretty kind. I love the gospel's principles even if they're sometimes hard to live by. I wish I had someone who thought about the gospel in positive ways, at least with the principles. I wish I had someone who'd go to church with me at least sometimes.
What I really wish is that I'd be someone's No. 1.
I'll never be anyone's knight in armor with a sword in hand. I'll never be a prince or a saint. I'll just keep waiting until someone, someday, realizes that the guy who has always been there for them is the best one they've had around.