Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Nobody's problems for me

... Its hard when one imagine their life with a person---then realizing that maybe that future life won't happen. Recently I began a careful bit of self-reflection and realized that falling in love has consequences: sometimes one needs to fall out of love.

Sometimes one needs to fall out of love because the affections are not returned. Sometimes one has to fall out of love because its unhealthy. Other moments, falling out of love is gradual and less painful. Sometimes it is mutual and sometimes one-sided.

No matter what, there is pain involved.

Keeping that person at a safe distance while continuing to fall out of love is difficult. Because usually when I fall in love, I want to be with that person all the time. Lots of late night talks, lots of late-night walks and late-night kisses.

So when I fall out of love, I have to distance myself emotionally and put up barricades. Which puts me in a lonely position. Perhaps being out of love is easier than being in love ultimately---less pain to deal with.

Love is hard. I'm going to do my best to avoid romantic love for a long time.

A friend of mine told me that I could talk about adoption for hours---and I probably could. I have so many plans but I have no one to share those plans with. Its a little pathetic that a 30 year old man would project that vision onto someone else and even imagine that somehow that my dreams could become a reality as much for someone else as they'd be for me.

Perhaps it is better to be out of love after-all. No one for me to hurt. And no one to hurt me.

1 comment:

Dean Scott said...

I have lived the last ten plus years as described in your last paragraph. Since coming out and looking for people to date, and hopefully find a partner, I am having lots of fear of the unknown. Falling out of love is horrible. I am taking the risk of falling in love because I have seen enough people who got it right the second or third time and are so much happier than they were when they were alone. These are all individual decisions. Best wishes as you decide what is best for you.