Sunday, September 16, 2012

What to expect... ?

I watched the movie "What to expect when you're expecting?" It follows like 4-5 couples as they go through pregnancies. One is an unmarried couple who got pregnant their first date---another is a couple who has been trying for years---and another is an infertile couple who is adopting.

They adopted a baby from Ethiopia. The husband was unsure and doubted his ability to be a father. At the end, they were so happy in Africa after being given their child. The other couples all gave birth and were happy in the end.

Of course, I was crying like an idiot. Alone at 2 AM in my apartment. Watching these families being built and wishing I was one of them---getting a child. Building a new life. So ridiculous. Is it possible to somehow be a man having a phantom pregnancy which would affect my hormones?

I cried for how beautiful it was. I cried over all the beautiful babies. I also cried because... I won't have that. I realize that now. I won't have a wife who will give birth to our child since I was born into a body which finds it both unnatural and unappealing to have sex with a woman. Instead, I'll have a surrogate and an egg donor who will be highly paid for their services. I won't have someone to go buy baby clothes with, because I'll be the only one excited about the baby. I'll be the one choosing his name---I'll be the one painting the AA Milne Winnie the Pooh themed nursery. When I go to Africa, I will probably go with a friend who will accompany me as he speaks French and is willing to travel to the Congo with me---he and I love adventures and when will someone ever go to the Democratic Republic of the Congo otherwise? But he would be going with me as a friend, not as a partner.

I'll be doing it alone, emotionally speaking. I'll have friends and family for support, but I will not hold out hope that someday I'd find someone who wants children so badly that it hurts.

Recently I've been daydreaming about the possibility of having a partner like that. For some reason I naively thought it would happen, but I think it is a silly idea in the end. What gay man with all the qualities I'd be looking for would think about me in the same way that he'd think about the beauty of a child---that I'd be so unique and perfect that I could be be their choice for life?

It won't happen.

Alright by Tituss Burgess

I’ll be alright
I’ll be just fine
There are no real scars
I’ll heal in no time
The phone has been ringing and ringing and ringing
Off the hook
I knew it wasn’t you
I didn’t bother to look
Oh, But I hoped you would call
But, I just dismiss the thought
Oh how Silly of me
To think this brief meeting could lead to
Long walks and long talks
And Long kisses
And, oh how I wish
That these brief passings of
Of random romances
Would stay a little longer
Then not hurt when its over
Oh, I realize
That these things take time
I guess I just thought
Maybe this time was mine
Now I am stuck in a maze
While I am in a constant daze
Its taken all the strength of me
To break this, all you’ve got on me
Damn those walks and
Damn those hugs
And to hell with your kisses
And oh, how I wish I had never known you
And never had shown you
How close I had come to falling in love with you
I’m going to make it through
My world didn’t start with you

The only one who I can count on to be equal in my desire for this adoption and building a family is me. So to hell with everyone else. To hell with those who tell me I cannot do it. And to hell to all those times I daydreamed about finding a romantic partner who'd want this with me.


Evan said...

Well, if you reject it happening altogether, it most certainly wont happen. Certainly, if there's one gay guy with this mindset (you), there's bound to be another...

Post-It Boy said...

Perhaps that is true.

pml said...

Not true my friend. I have a wonderful man that would love to adopt with me when the time is right. There are many good guys out there; good gay men who are kind, honorable, loving and family oriented.

If you are looking in places where men with principles are more likely to hang out and looking for men of substance rather than sparkle eventually you will find someone that shares your family values. Go to places where gay men volunteer, or play sports, or worship God.

Dean Scott said...

I met two couples who were together last week. One is married with two children. The wife is pregnant. The other couple is gay. The woman is carrying the surrogate baby of the gay couple. We did not have a chance to talk a lot, but it was evident this was being done out of love. Don't give up hope if that is a dream you hold on to - either as a single person or as part of a couple.