What to expect... ?

I watched the movie "What to expect when you're expecting?" It follows like 4-5 couples as they go through pregnancies. One is an unmarried couple who got pregnant their first date---another is a couple who has been trying for years---and another is an infertile couple who is adopting.

They adopted a baby from Ethiopia. The husband was unsure and doubted his ability to be a father. At the end, they were so happy in Africa after being given their child. The other couples all gave birth and were happy in the end.

Of course, I was crying like an idiot. Alone at 2 AM in my apartment. Watching these families being built and wishing I was one of them---getting a child. Building a new life. So ridiculous. Is it possible to somehow be a man having a phantom pregnancy which would affect my hormones?

I cried for how beautiful it was. I cried over all the beautiful babies. I also cried because... I won't have that. I realize that now. I won't have a wife who will give birth to our child since I was born into a body which finds it both unnatural and unappealing to have sex with a woman. Instead, I'll have a surrogate and an egg donor who will be highly paid for their services. I won't have someone to go buy baby clothes with, because I'll be the only one excited about the baby. I'll be the one choosing his name---I'll be the one painting the AA Milne Winnie the Pooh themed nursery. When I go to Africa, I will probably go with a friend who will accompany me as he speaks French and is willing to travel to the Congo with me---he and I love adventures and when will someone ever go to the Democratic Republic of the Congo otherwise? But he would be going with me as a friend, not as a partner.



I'll be doing it alone, emotionally speaking. I'll have friends and family for support, but I will not hold out hope that someday I'd find someone who wants children so badly that it hurts.

Recently I've been daydreaming about the possibility of having a partner like that. For some reason I naively thought it would happen, but I think it is a silly idea in the end. What gay man with all the qualities I'd be looking for would think about me in the same way that he'd think about the beauty of a child---that I'd be so unique and perfect that I could be be their choice for life?

It won't happen.

Alright by Tituss Burgess

I’ll be alright

I’ll be just fine

There are no real scars

I’ll heal in no time

The phone has been ringing and ringing and ringing

Off the hook

I knew it wasn’t you

I didn’t bother to look

Oh, But I hoped you would call

But, I just dismiss the thought

Oh how Silly of me

To think this brief meeting could lead to

Long walks and long talks

And Long kisses

And, oh how I wish

That these brief passings of

Of random romances

Would stay a little longer

Then not hurt when its over

Oh, I realize

That these things take time

I guess I just thought

Maybe this time was mine

Now I am stuck in a maze

While I am in a constant daze

Its taken all the strength of me

To break this, all you’ve got on me

Damn those walks and

Damn those hugs

And to hell with your kisses

And oh, how I wish I had never known you

And never had shown you

How close I had come to falling in love with you

Oooooooohhhhhhh….

I’m going to make it through

My world didn’t start with you

 








The only one who I can count on to be equal in my desire for this adoption and building a family is me. So to hell with everyone else. To hell with those who tell me I cannot do it. And to hell to all those times I daydreamed about finding a romantic partner who'd want this with me.