Friday, November 30, 2007

I am stealing these questions... I'm a thief. I know it.

Other people come up with better questions than I do. And I am waiting for my French bread dough to rise.

Why do you live your life this way? In other words, why aren’t you seeking sexual relationships with men?

Because men are dogs. Kidding. Men are not dogs. Since dogs are loyal and friendly. :)

Honestly, it just doesn't appeal to me very much. I have seen too many disastrous endings to perfectly good individuals who have left the gospel. Pretty soon, they leave not only their church activity but also all standards... starting to drink, use drugs, etc.

I'm not interested in going down that road.

I'm happy with who I am. So why would I change it by upsetting my existence which I'm happy with?

Didn’t God make you gay?

I don't know much about how God works. I don't know what He "makes" and what he lets "happen" because He knows more than I do about the inner workings of my mind, heart, and what I might need to become most like him.

If Heavenly Father made me this way, then I applaud Him. He gave me some talents which I love, a family who supports me, and a love for doing good things for others. Sure, He MIGHT have added some spice into my life by adding some attractions. Somehow in His infinite wisdom, He chose this for my life. Or, perhaps, it was I who chose this over other issues I could have had.

Aren’t you living a lie?

I'm not a liar. I don't lie to people about who I am. Nor am I living a lie. I like my life. I live quite happily.

I don't see why I'd have to live in any particular way to avoid living a lie. Who is to decide how I live besides myself?

What is the difference between me and gay guys who just want to not date? Not much. Other than my intentions in life.

How do you cope with being LDS and having same-sex feelings while trying to live the Gospel?

I don't think of life as my needing to "cope"... Life isn't a struggle unless we make it that way. I prefer to just life my life the best as I know how. And that includes living within the Gospel.

Do you really think you can live your life without having sex with a guy at some point?

Why not? I know plenty of guys who have. I know plenty of "out gay men" who don't have sex very often and they survive. If people just live life thinking about sex, which it seems many gay men do, then they're missing out on a lot that life has to offer.

Your responses seem simple and maybe unrealistic. Are you really gay or are you bisexual? Do you think you are oversimplifying the condition of homosexuality?

Excuse me! How dare you accuse me of being bisexual! :)

Just kidding.

I can honestly say that I'm not attracted to women on anything other than a "shopping partner" relationship. And even then, I'd probably go with a guy so I have someone to shop with. Either are good for being "butt checkers" since when I buy pants, its necessary they flatter the behind. :)

Aren’t your statements advocating celibacy or heterosexual marriage judgmental towards those people who do not follow such standards?

Why would they be? I don't tell others how to live their lives. I just live mine. If people feel threatened about a religious and celibate MOHO guy then perhaps they need to rethink how they view themselves if a single person can upset their entire sense of being.

I don't tell my gay friends how to live ever. Some assume I do but you know what they say about people who assume things...

Don’t you think people who live in a gay relationship can find happiness?

Sure! Why wouldn't they be able to? They can be happy just like I can be happy. But its a different kind of happiness.

Don’t your moral beliefs contradict your beliefs that some gays can be happy living a gay lifestyle?

Why would they?

Short and sweet answers. :)

My dough is basically done now.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Sacrifice an Ugly Bird day!

Turkeys are not hot. Or fashionable. Which is why its okay for us to sacrifice them.


Today I'm making the turkey. I'm excited about it. I have never cooked a turkey before.

Happy Thanksgiving! We have a lot to be grateful for!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Eternal life would be lonely without someone to love...

From the amazing movie, Stardust, in a scene where Yvaine, a fallen star, is questioning her friend Tristan's desire to steal her eternal life.

Yvaine... "Are you tempted?"

Tristain... "Tempted by what?"

Yvaine... "Immortality. Let's say it wasn't my heart. Not. me. Just a star you didn't know."

Tristan... "You seriously think I could kill anybody? Even if I could, I mean, everlasting life? I imagine it would be kind of lonely. Well, maybe if you had someone to share it with. Someone you loved. Then it would be different."

I have now seen this movie twice in theaters. Each time, that scene makes me think.

I know I am sentimental and I put far too much thinking into a movie.

But isn't that what the gospel teaches, in a sense? That everlasting life is supposed to have a partner?

If that is the case, then why this challenge?

As I have thought about this issue of same-gender attraction in my life, I wonder if this trial... challenge... condition... mortal experience... however we'd like to view it is part of a greater plan which we are only barely glimpsing with our simpleminded natures. We're mortal beings, subject to flaws, failures and second-guessing a divine creator who doesn't make mistakes.

I refuse to believe this was mere accident that I was created in this way. I'm not a disease or a plague. I'm a human being, as flawed in my nature as anyone else.

However, with this particular challenge so many people turn away from the gospel. Why is that? Why is it that so many people cannot look beyond politics, genetic science, equal rights, "nature versus nurture", etc. to see that this challenge has to do more with love than anything. Its because of an all-knowing Father in Heaven that He provides selected sons and daughters with a particular challenge which seems overwhelming at times. Ask anyone the truth about their life experience and they will admit it is not what they probably imagined. And how could we know what life would have been like? We'd never experienced a seperation from our Father. We'd never experienced pain or suffering and had limited understanding.

Who better to become like God... an all-knowing, all kind and good immortal being... than someone who has been given a challenge which seems impossible? Who better to understand pain than someone who has had to experience societies, governments or perhaps even religions which do not accept them based on their life experiences?

It is for that reason that I stay... Knowing that even if I cannot have a wife in this life, that someday I will find one who is worth the wait, the challenges to get to her, and the pain I might have to experience from idiots who are not willing to admit their own flaws for poorly judging others who maybe act a little different from the norm.

On a sidenote, isn't Yvaine an absolutely gorgeous name? I hope my wife is named Yvaine.

The above is a bit of my testimony regarding this challenge.

I love you all. Go see Stardust. It plays daily for now at the dollar theater on University Parkway.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


... I met with a professor tonight after class and we talked for like 2-3 hours. No joke. It was a great conversation... I always learn so much from him. He's a total eccentric. His family thinks he's weird, so I've learned, and a lot of the professors on campus dislike him because he's opinionated and isn't afraid to admit when he thinks another professor is being just plain stupid.

He's not particularly fashionable. Doesn't live an exotic life. He has never published a book or won any awards as far as I know...

... And I would secretly LOVE to have not only his job but also his brain. So smart.

Why am I not as smart as he is?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Some were just meant to smile...

Elle Woods in Legally Blonde the Musical sings a song which has been in my head all day... Its entitled "Legally Blonde." In it, she sings of her misfortunes of going to Law School and feeling as if she failed... and realizing that she's "just meant to be" and that maybe all she was made for was to smile.

Do you ever feel that way? Sometimes I do.

Life has gotten significantly better for me since my Summer European Internship. I spent weeks charting out my own path, in a way, by living essentially on my own in a foreign continent... I had to rely on my own brains, skills, etc. to get by. I had to cope with a lot of stressful situations and I learned from the experience.

I do genealogy research for fun... I guess its the one aspect of myself which makes me even more of an atypical Mormon. I do it 'for fun' knowing that I'm not worthy to have a temple recommend just yet. Working on that and hopefully going to have it someday. :) Anyway, I can't do the temple work for my people at this point but I can do the work leading UP to the Temple Work being completed.

This is the first time I've ever mentioned genealogy on this blog.

Guess its about time.

I didn't feel great today so I sat in my room and typed genealogy, adding 25-30 names of descendants of my 4th great uncle. I trace lots of distant cousins' in my family tree since thats where I find temple names.

As I was doing this work today, I thought "Is this all I'm good for?" Elle believed she was best at just being beautiful. Maybe doing genealogy is what I'm best at and what I'm best suited for.

Do I provide any other good though? Do I brighten others' days? Do I have any other qualities which make me worth more than just what I have been trained to do---which is genealogical research?

Sometimes I wonder. I don't really know if anyone's life has been touched by mine.

Maybe Elle was right---and while I'm not meant to just be pretty and smile---maybe I'm only really good for one thing. At least I do that as perfectly as possible.