Monday, October 29, 2007
Sometimes I do still get sad. And sometimes I still wish I had more people in my life who cared about me... I guess as I said from earlier posts, my life can be rather lonesome at times.
In other news, my room has become a disaster area. Similar to Kansas Tornadoes destroying whole farming communities. I started to clean it. But it still needs work. I think I need a maid.
I saw a Walmart Employee wearing an Amish-y looking dress. I hope it was a costume.
Yesterday I learned a friend of mine was dating someone. As I was texting her, I realized I love to hear when friends of mine are happy and dating someone. Its weird because this used to depress me tremendously---not having someone "Special."
I sometimes miss having someone to hold or someone to send romantic things to.
I like to sit and listen to Joni Mitchell songs alone. Just when I want to reflect.
I really need to start exercising. I am getting fatter by the second. And I am getting older everyday which means my metabolism is slowly going to fale me.
Sometimes I just want someone to hold or to have someone hold me.
I have a double bed and no one to share it besides a stuffed toy friend which was a gift from another Moho. He's the only person who shares my bed.
I think I need a dog.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
It wasn't meant to sound like I was seeking pity.
In other news, I have organized one of my research binders for a class I took a few semesters ago. This only pleases me but I have a distinct impression that if I continue to organize and reorganize my research and final projects from past semesters, I'll somehow discover something I never thought I had before... Which sometimes happens.
You wouldn't understand unless you were someone who loved organization. (You meaning the imaginary "You" who reads my blog.)
I went through my binder and realized my report was pretty good---which is why I got an "A.... Impressive" Grade. It didn't list any notes really other than the grade. Is that weird? The professor is really eccentric though.
I realized I had done more research than I had previously thought. Which makes me wonder why I didn't continue with this work beyond the class. Which makes me WANT to continue on beyond this class. Which means that next semester, I'm taking Part II of this course so I can complete this binder properly and fill another binder with information on my topic... Which will then be filed onto my shelf and ignored by all but me.
And I will be quietly content to have a really nicely organized file of my classwork. Complete with dividers, labels and charts...
p.s. For those who know my by-day persona, you can guess what kind of class it was...
Monday, October 22, 2007
Not that I'm not well-liked. I just feel unpopular.
I think people like me. I hope people like me. I'm generally quite sure people like me.
The last two nights I have hung out with friends. Outside my apartment.
I realized last night that it had been like a month since that had happened. Cool Roommate and I (the two moho's of the apartment) hang out. We watch movies, curl each other's hair and gab about American Idol... Okay, kidding about all but the movies part.
So... Cool Roommate and I hang out.
I'm in College. I'm a good looking, funny guy... maybe I'm just destined to be a little socially awkward and retarded enough that its not very often I'm asked to hang out with people. Is there something about me which is un-approachable? Are others just as busy as me at times? Or maybe I just spend too much time doing school work and playing the cello.
I don't play the cello. Just seeing if someone is paying attention.
If I'm well-liked by friends, why is it that I am unpopular as a person for others to call up to hang out with me?
During my Freshman year of college, there was a Sadie Hawkins' style dance (girl asks guy) and I was one of two guys in my apartment not asked. The other guy was dating a girl who didn't go to school there. So I was basically the only student at this Mormon University without a date. Granted, it was my first semester there... but wouldn't you think SOMEONE wanted to go out with me?
I wonder if now, in my Senior year, if there was a Sadie's dance... would I ever get asked? Would people even notice me TO ask me?
During my first two semesters at BYU I was asked to hang out only once in another apartment at BYU. ONCE. And then that guy never invited me over again and stopped talking to me except on very rare occasions. I also didn't hang out with my roommates back then either. So I used to escape to friends' and relatives' houses in Salt Lake on weekends just to have someone to talk to.
During my second semester at BYU, I brought up the lack of hanging out and lack of friends with my coworkers (who were my only friends at BYU at the time) and I asked them point blank why someone like me wasn't popular...
One coworker told me that she would assume I had lots of friends already. When I asked why, she said that I was so good looking that most people would be tempted not to talk to me. Or ask me out. Or ask to hang out. Knowing I'd somehow be busy no matter when they asked me. (This is from a married girl, btw.) One girl even said that most people on campus would assume I was married since I'm so out-going, friendly and rather charming. (She is married now but wasn't then---was this a come-on???!!!! lol)
A few months ago, I was talking to a Moho friend and another Moho I didn't know very well was a part of the conversation... The second Moho said "Looking at you, I never thought you'd ever have problems with feeling disliked... You always struck me as someone who never had any problems with popularity!"
So am I just unapproachable then---and that's my issue?
I guess I still sometimes wonder if people like me. I used to worry people only liked me based on my appearance. (I know this sounds smug but I have previously battled YEARS with self-image issues...)
I'm used to being a little alone sometimes, but not always lonely.
I'm not posting this for sympathy or pity. It was just some of my thoughts. It just seems like everyone around me has more people that want to hang out with them than I do. I don't think I'm a horribly unlikeable person. But...
Maybe its something I need to work on.
Friday, October 19, 2007
She's skinny. Attractive. Has cool style.
If it was any other guy, I'm sure he'd be flattered.
... Why is it that I'm so weird and the idea of going out on a date with her is only mildly interesting?
She seems cool though. It would be cool just to have her as a friend.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Tonight I had an hour long conversation with my mother. We talked about a little family stuff---my nephew was just baptized and half my family went to the baptism... surprisingly, thoughts of a mass family homicide didn't enter anyone's minds and everyone was quite happy with the event.
We also talked about life in general and then I told her about some of my new philosophies I've adopted. My mother and I talked about lots of things including the most recent Matis fireside. I told her about the girl who was a burn victim who never complains about her life, despite its trials... She had a near-death experience which taught her the importance of seeing blessings, not curses, in our lives. I told her about the Evergreen Conference a little bit more and the things I learned there. She and I had already spoken at great lengths about it a month ago.
I was just thinking about how lucky I am to have my mother.
About a year ago, I was heavily addicted to the show Desperate Housewives. In it, the beautiful Bree Van De Kamp is the perfect mother. She always has the house perfectly straightened, her hair is always just-right, her cooking is timed to the second for best flavor, beds are made, the linens are always fresh, and everything in her life is perfect... etc.
And Bree has a gay son, who actually, if I might add is kind of cute. In that "I look like an Extra on High School Musical" sort of way.
In one episode she abandons this son on the side of the road because of what a trouble maker he has become. She cannot accept that he is gay. In a tearful scene, he tells her that he won a bet since he knew that someday she would stop loving him because he was gay.
A year ago, I called my mom. I'd been thinking about this episode. My mom's never really seen the show. I told her about Bree and how he's the best wife, mother and homemaker. I told her that she had the perfect life... except her son was gay.
I told my mom "I know you're not Bree... Your cooking is good but you don't cook gourmet meals. You are always behind on housework. You don't always care if your hair is perfect or your outfit is designer brands... But I wouldn't trade you for Bree Van De Kamp any day..."
I wouldn't trade my mom for any other mother.
My mother accepted me and my same-gender attraction from the minute I first told her. She didn't question it. She didn't have to think whether she wanted me in her life.
What mother besides the best mother would accept her son so fully?
I have told her most of my "deep-dark secrets"---she knows I have kissed a few of my male friends. She knows that I don't feel guilty about them since they're just affectionate things between friends. Once I was even in the car and I remarked about a passersby "He's kind of cute..." I about died but my mom didn't even notice.
What mother besides the best mother would not notice?
She believes in me even when I haven't always believed in myself. My mother told me once that she believes same-gender attraction was given to me because someday I would outshone the rest of those around me through my diligent efforts in the gospel.
She has even attended some of the Evergreen events with me. Soon, there is going to be a stake activity in her area with a class on same-gender attraction and how to help a loved one who struggles with it... When I asked, she did tell me she would be attending and would be present to give comments, suggestions, etc.
My mother helped pay for an unpaid internship to Europe. She didn't even mind when I spent some---err... nearly half---of the money on a camera. (It is a good camera, I might add---and very functional for Europe!)
She has helped pay for my last few months of living expenses while I have battled being sick with several infections, fatigue and stress.
What mother, besides the best mother, would give money she cannot afford to give?
I know my mom wants very much for me to get married someday. I am sure she secretly has wedding plans picked out. She'd love more grandchildren. I am sure she would love to see me happy someday. I know she doesn't want me to be lonely.
She also knows I'm an individual who is very stuck in my ways. But that I am also trying to fit myself into a life which doesn't really make a lot of sense to most people.
My mother has told me I am her favorite. She never has to wonder if I'm being truthful. I never make her angry. I've told her far too much about me for her to doubt my honesty. I help her reach high things on shelves. I am always calling her when I need to talk, or to update her on my life, or just to ask how her day is. I even help her hang photos and paintings in her home since I have "an eye" for those things. She might say "You are my favorite" to all her children, but who knows... maybe I really am.
Mother, I love you!
Monday, October 15, 2007
I have been wondering if maybe it would be a good idea to ultimately become more "open" with discussing my same-gender attractions. I realize there will be bigotry. I realize there will be some who would believe I am a plague on their household. However, I also know that others will open their hearts and perhaps remove some of their prejudism regarding people who are maybe a little different.
I've been toying with the idea of being more "open" upon graduation. My family, other than my parents, are unaware of what I deal with. I don't beat myself up anymore over my attractions. I don't have really have a lot of the issues I used to deal with---depression and such... So I don't really have much to hide.
As I explained to my mom and dad two and a half years ago, "I am not doing anything but letting you get to know me better..."
Maybe I could let the world get to know me better too. And in the process, maybe some attitudes will change.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
I found this list of questions on another Blog... http://ramblingsofiovan.blogspot.com/2006/09/thirteen-questions.html
So I thought I'd answer it with what I believe to be true. Don't like it? Tough. Write your own answers!
1. Can SSA/homosexuality be completely overcome?
It all depends on how you use the word "Overcome"---if you mean "will it always be a part of my life?" I believe it will be. I don't think it will ever stop being a part of our lives. BUT we can control it, not allow it to bother us, and also to not let it rule our lives or thoughts.
2. Is it necessary to understand where my SSA comes from before I can deal with it, or is it possible to just accept that I have these feelings and then deal with them?
I think sometimes it helps to figure out where they might have stemmed from---but not always. SSA feelings could have any number of causes or roots... I do not think we will ever have concrete answers. BUT to me, it doesn't matter much... Genetic. Behavioral. Social. Psychological... Mix of the above. Who cares!
The most important issue is not where your feelings come from... nor how to "rid" yourself of them. The most important question is "How am I going to live my life the best way Possible? How can I help the most people? How can I ultimately be happy?"
3. Is it possible to deal with SSA without help from others? If not, where do I go for help?
Oh goodness No! Do not go alone. Its rather lonesome when you feel like a "lone freak" in a sea of normal people. I live in Utah and I don't fit the mold of what a typical Mormon is. But I love to be me! AND I love that I have friends who are just like me... who appreciate the same things in life.
4. Is being in a relationship before getting a better understanding of all of this going to be helpful or harmful (also thinking about the other person)?
I think its best to understand this issue before dating. UNLESS the person you're with is learning with you. I think men who get married without telling their wives have an extra step to hurdle but its not impossible. I know lots of married and happy couples where one deals with this. I have an ex-girlfriend and I do not regret dating her and "giving it a shot"... She's still one of my favorite people and the only woman I've ever wanted to share my life with. She's an amazing woman... (And we did not break up because of SSA issues)
5. What is the influence of acting out on my same sex attractions while dealing with SSA - do I start with obedience to the law of chastity, or is that something that can come later?
I think when someone acts on any natural feelings it makes it harder to stay away. I do love kissing---always have... but I wouldn't have known what I was missing unless I tried it out. And I have. But I've turned over a new leaf so I do not participate in as much kissing as I once did! So I think it makes it harder to stay true to your values... SOOOOOO I think you have to figure out safe ways to get your needs met. Whether its through hugs. A little holding therapy type stuff. Quick friendship kisses... Whatever.
I think you need to be careful with whatever you do. And with whomever you do it with!
6. Should I seek contact with other people experiencing SSA or should I focus on good and meaningful relationships with straight people?
Oh! Relationships with other MOHO's is very important. I thank our Heavenly Father all the time for giving me friends who deal with this... and the example of my first MOHO friend still makes me happy knowing he was the first person I met who dealt with it. It reminds me that I not alone.
7. Should I focus on developing deeper relationships with women?
I think its good to develop deeper relationships with women... and ALSO MEN! I don't think we have as many issues relating to women. I love shopping. I love cooking. Animals. Broadway showtunes. etc. Its not that hard to relate to women in this way...
8. Are there any other issues I should address if I want to fully address SSA? What are they?
This is personal and depends on each situation. I think a lot of times, we suffer for years through depression and suicidal thoughts (as I have done)... those issues concerned me more than SSA.
9. Is SSA a sexual thing or is it a matter of underlying issues?
Once again, I don't think its necessarily a sexual thing. It might be sexual for some if they've acted out on it---but generally, I think SSA is a personal journey towards becoming a more fulfilled person.
10. Would I be able to develop heterosexual attractions towards women? (Can I change the fact that a woman has to be drop dead gorgeous before I'm even remotely attracted to her, while even an average looking guy immediately seems to attract my attention?)
I don't know if I want to develop an attraction to women. I like being attracted to men. It is for this reason that my life is the way it is. I used to pray for an attraction to my now-ex-girlfriend which never came. I was attracted to her in all the ways which are non-physical and non-sexual... until she became a little mean to me. (We broke up for non-SSA related reasons...)
After speaking to many of my friends, I know that they developed their attractions to women once they got married to an understanding woman who worked WITH them rather than just trying to get them to change. Or wanting them to be a different type of person.
11. Is the answer found in developing deeper relationships with men or maybe with one man in particular, and then finding out the nature of the needs that are met?
I don't think we need to look for an "Answer"---its not like we have some big overlying question. I don't think looking for an answer will help you find it. Do SSA feelings cause you self-hatred? If so---work on LOVING yourself. Does SSA lead you down dark paths---seeking sexual activity with strangers through cruising or something---if so, then WORK ON THAT. Does SSA cause you to be depressed? If so, work on the depression---work on not being depressed! There's help for that!
I think developing relationships with men is important. Including developing a relationship with our Savior.
12. What can contribute to my motivation to deal with this (which ever way it goes) and not give up?
Decide what you really want---not just what your family wants you to do or your church leaders... Decide what YOU really want. And work towards it.
13. How will I know the right answers to some of the yes or no questions?
Your answers to questions might change over time. Keep trying to figure out what you really believe... it might take a while. But when you know, it feels great!