Unpopular... you're gonna be unpopular

Sometimes I feel unpopular.

Not that I'm not well-liked. I just feel unpopular.

I think people like me. I hope people like me. I'm generally quite sure people like me.

The last two nights I have hung out with friends. Outside my apartment.

I realized last night that it had been like a month since that had happened. Cool Roommate and I (the two moho's of the apartment) hang out. We watch movies, curl each other's hair and gab about American Idol... Okay, kidding about all but the movies part.

So... Cool Roommate and I hang out.

I'm in College. I'm a good looking, funny guy... maybe I'm just destined to be a little socially awkward and retarded enough that its not very often I'm asked to hang out with people. Is there something about me which is un-approachable? Are others just as busy as me at times? Or maybe I just spend too much time doing school work and playing the cello.

I don't play the cello. Just seeing if someone is paying attention.

If I'm well-liked by friends, why is it that I am unpopular as a person for others to call up to hang out with me?

During my Freshman year of college, there was a Sadie Hawkins' style dance (girl asks guy) and I was one of two guys in my apartment not asked. The other guy was dating a girl who didn't go to school there. So I was basically the only student at this Mormon University without a date. Granted, it was my first semester there... but wouldn't you think SOMEONE wanted to go out with me?

I wonder if now, in my Senior year, if there was a Sadie's dance... would I ever get asked? Would people even notice me TO ask me?

During my first two semesters at BYU I was asked to hang out only once in another apartment at BYU. ONCE. And then that guy never invited me over again and stopped talking to me except on very rare occasions. I also didn't hang out with my roommates back then either. So I used to escape to friends' and relatives' houses in Salt Lake on weekends just to have someone to talk to.

During my second semester at BYU, I brought up the lack of hanging out and lack of friends with my coworkers (who were my only friends at BYU at the time) and I asked them point blank why someone like me wasn't popular...

One coworker told me that she would assume I had lots of friends already. When I asked why, she said that I was so good looking that most people would be tempted not to talk to me. Or ask me out. Or ask to hang out. Knowing I'd somehow be busy no matter when they asked me. (This is from a married girl, btw.) One girl even said that most people on campus would assume I was married since I'm so out-going, friendly and rather charming. (She is married now but wasn't then---was this a come-on???!!!! lol)

A few months ago, I was talking to a Moho friend and another Moho I didn't know very well was a part of the conversation... The second Moho said "Looking at you, I never thought you'd ever have problems with feeling disliked... You always struck me as someone who never had any problems with popularity!"

So am I just unapproachable then---and that's my issue?

I guess I still sometimes wonder if people like me. I used to worry people only liked me based on my appearance. (I know this sounds smug but I have previously battled YEARS with self-image issues...)

I'm used to being a little alone sometimes, but not always lonely.

I'm not posting this for sympathy or pity. It was just some of my thoughts. It just seems like everyone around me has more people that want to hang out with them than I do. I don't think I'm a horribly unlikeable person. But...

Maybe its something I need to work on.

Hanging Around... Nothing to do but Frown...

So yesterday I found out an old friend of mine was inactive now. I kind of knew he was... But he confirmed it. We've grown apart since last year so it wasn't really that much of a shock. I still feel like I should be an example to him---but he seems happy. Don't know what to do about it.

I spent a lot of last night being bored and lonely. I was also in a cuddling mood. Yes. Sometimes Mohos get in the mood to cuddle just like everyone else. I didn't have anyone to cuddle with so I just hugged my body pillow last night instead.

I could have really used a hug.

I wasn't depressed or anything last night. Just was in the mood to spend time with someone. But no one was around. I guess I need to make more friends. Or just text a friend if I'm ever bored or lonely. Sigh.

I did talk to one of my best friends online last night for a few hours. He and I are amigos para siempre. For those of you who know me, you can probably guess who it was. It was really nice.

Today I'm wearing a ring on my left hand ring finger. Its a social experiment. Trying to see who notices. So far, no one. Sometimes I wear it on my left hand just to see if people question whether I'm married or not. I have decided if anyone asks if I'm married, I'll say yes and point out the nearest girl to me as my spouse.

I'm not married though. Since no one would marry a fugly slut like me. Kidding! I'm not Fugly! :)

I'm REALLY in the mood for a movie night. Like, seriously. I want to watch Rent SOOOO badly. I was listening to the music last night and I was like "Woah! Its been months since I've seen Rent!" So if anyone who is reading this wants to watch Rent with me, let me know. I need to buy a cheap DVD player for my living room since right now we have a big screen TV with no DVD player. And that is lame.

I'm now the research assistant for a professor. I'll be researching some early church families for her. Don't know what I'll be doing exactly. Or what I get paid. But whatever.

Speaking of cuddling...

I kind of wonder what it would be like to be really affectionate with a girl. Like, I had an ex-girlfriend but it was long distance so it wasn't really like dating... more like Jane Austenian courtship through letters... I've cuddled with some of my guy friends. Just as a friend thing. Not like a sexual or romantic thing or something. I haven't done that in a while---not since I got back to this country. And I miss that closeness. It doesn't have anything to do with sexual things. Its just nice to feel loved by a friend and to be close to someone.

Does that make sense?

Its not sexual with a guy to cuddle. And since I'm a Moho, cuddling with a girl wouldn't be sexual either. Would it feel the same? Would it be weird? Would I like it? I dunno.

I think the same about kissing. Would kissing a girl be fun? Would it be weird? I dunno.

Guess I have more to learn and experience. In the meantime, I'll be taking applications for anyone who wants to cuddle.