Going to church seems like its going through the motions. I feel like I'm not progressing spiritually. I'm not growing in my personal life to be the type of person I want to be... Am I really going towards the path which will bring me closer to God? Or am I going down a crazy path? I'm not really sure.
Sometimes I wonder if my reasons for wanting a child are 100% the best for the child. I mean... doesn't a child deserve a mother in some ways? Would I really be able to provide all the love and support and maturity to raise a child who would have questions about where his or her mother was? Would it matter to a child who was raised in a household with a single male as a caregiver---would he or she adapt to those surroundings without thinking it was abnormal?
I just cannot imagine my life without being a parent. Its such a huge part of my thinking and mindset... And I feel I would be an amazing father regardless of the difficulties. Is it so wrong of me to want to do this despite the church's guidelines and obvious legal hurdles I'd have to face?
I don't feel the spirit much anymore. So whenever I pray about this or other things, its like my prayers are going out but not being heard.
I feel like these lyrics from the song Gethsemane sometimes...
"Then I was inspired
Now I'm sad and tired
After all I've tried for three years
Seems like ninety
Why then am I scared"
Thinking about my life years ago, I feel like the spirit guided me more often... and now I'm just sad and tired... trying for years to fit the mold of being a normal church member while realizing that marriage and a family aren't a possibility. I don't want to have a wife. I want to have a child. And no matter how much I've prayed about it---occasionally even praying for my heart to change enough to WANT to be married... I've not had a desire to go down that typical LDS male route for ... well, since BYU when I was in love with my best friend and it didn't work out. Never wanted marriage before her either.
And now she's married. With a baby.
And I sometimes wonder if I should have been the father to that child. Maybe life would be altogether different for me.
I wonder if all these decisions I've made in life have helped or hindered me to my current stagnation.
I believe in the church. I believe in our Heavenly Father. I believe so much. So why don't I feel anything anymore?
"Listen surely I've exceeded
Tried for three years
Seems like thirty
Could you ask as much
From any other man?"
Haven't I done enough in my life to prove my devotion to our Father? Given up so much and sacrificed in order to stay true to my temple covenants... Its been nearly 3 years since I went through the temple. And I felt like first I was progressing. Now I'm sad and tired. After all, I've tried for three years... Maybe I just need something to be progressing in life to feel alive again.