Friday, November 11, 2011

Is it really right for me?

I have been going back and forth with my activity in NorthStar and Evergreen type activities and involvement... I don't know if its right for me. Or if I would be better off just fading away from all of that. I took a break for a long time and then got recently re-involved and now I'm wondering if its necessary or what...

I don't feel like I ever really fit in no matter where I am. For those friends who know about my future family plans, they think of me as a nice Mormon guy who is wanting to start a family... but adamantly opposed to marriage. (Interesting combination! I'm a unique blend of ironies...)

And some of my friends who do know about my plans have already freaked out on me to the point I am fearful of discussing them anymore openly. Hence why I have resigned myself to mostly discussing it with non-LDS friends (who are all supportive, btw!) and my blog audience.

So really in the NS and EG community, I don't feel like I fit in either since most of the people in those communities will tell me that my future plans aren't right. Or against the church. Or something along those lines. And I'd rather find people who would accept my decision and be willing to talk about it with me---maybe find a place I belong better.

However, as I said, I never feel like I belong. :(


Bravone said...

I'm sorry you don't feel like you belong. You truly do. All of us are on personal journeys. I respect you and wish you nothing but the best.

Post-It Boy said...

I don't feel like I belong. I just always feel different.

Neal said...

I don't think your desire to be a single parent is wrong or weird either. I seriously looked into adopting a Russian child at one point, because they have a horrific problem with abandoned children. No one ever adopts them, and they become zombies in the under-staffed orphanages over there. Not being loved and hugged can literally lead to brain abnormalities and developmental retardation. Its heart breaking to see these kids.

Anyway, it turned out I couldn't really afford it, and I had to go on the road for my job, so those plans fell through.

I think it would be awesome to have a child. But not a wife!

Post-It Boy said...

Neal, there are actually lesser-expensive options with adoption... and there are organizations which help facilitate adoptions. Orphanages all over the world are understaffed. In some countries, foster care is non-existant which means the kids stay in orphanages for a very long time.

And sadly, due to the cost, extreme circumstances of adoption and all the legalities, I fear that more kids will become institutionalized. Its very sad.

Simon said...

Thank you for sharing this. I relate with the whole 'I don't feel accepted' idea. I've felt that my whole life. I've felt in it my biological family, with friends, with the fraternity, with the wards I've been in, etc. Honestly, I wonder if part of the problem stemmed from me not accepting myself. I think you may be on to something with your Acceptance post.

Mr. B. said...

It is kind of funny ... and ironic, isn't it? I watched the kids at school who have just moved in. It seems that the ones that always accept them the most are the stoners and losers. I always thought that was weird. Why didn't the "cool kids" jump out and bring someone into their groups?

Why do we hear at church comments about people who smoke or drink or are gay not being welcome. Shouldn't they be the ones we want to invite to our meetings? Even if the smoker doesn't readily change their behavior, wouldn't we still want our meetings to smell like cigarettes? Even more progressive wards who welcome different people (or sinners, even), there are people who feel uncomfortable for themselves or their children around smokers, drinkers, and ... even gays.

So where can someone fit in? I have found that Evergreen was never an option. That is more because I believe their premise and mission are wrong. It works for those who are still believing that BEING gay is wrong and a sin. But, it seems to have left more hurt and harm in the lives of my friends than helped them.

A gay person is more welcome by the "sinners" and out gay groups, than they are by LDS groups. If you don't fit the narrow mantra of what we want you to be, well then ... you are bad and wrong.

The hope I find is that there are others out there ... even if we are single and not group affiliated, who don't fit into the Evergreen / NorthStar mode. Being gay doesn't put you into a single category. Even a gay mormon is such a large category, today. Look for others like yourself. Strike up more conversations. Reach out and become friends. There are more people like you than you think. There is alway room at our lunch table, even if we aren't the most popular group.

I still think that marriage is wrong for me. I am still looking for something else with a relationship. I still love and want to have children. I am a work in progress. Who knows what tomorrow brings, but I will be there to move forward!

P.S. I am not saying that my "lunch table" is the nerdy table, although I think I'm pretty nerdy. I'm also pretty jocky and smarty and popularly .... :-)

Post-It Boy said...

I'm not against Evergreen or NorthStar... I think both of them are good organizations. I do think that sometimes people think that changing ones sexuality is the only option---when it really isn't... there can be a changing of perspectives, of course, but not necessarily a changing of sexuality.

And yes, I think its interesting how unaccepting we can be as an LDS culture.

Mr. B. said...

I think they serve their purpose. They are for certain people. I still disagree with the goal of trying to change someone's sexuality from gay to straight. But, it falls on the individuals involved. Evergreen was just plain creepy to me. I haven't been involved in the NorthStar thing. Maybe I should look into it. What is their goal?

Post-It Boy said...

They're not a group therapy organization---mostly an online support community of people with varying levels of church activity, although they're church-appropriate. I have been involved in some of the planning of the organization and I support it, although, I'm not very actively involved anymore. I'm in the Facebook group (its a private group) Evergreen is wonderful for some people and provides support. Its not all about changing sexuality but it is about changing perspectives---which is important.