Sunday, November 6, 2011


Okay, so I know a topic on everyone's mind... or at least on my mind... is the whole reparative therapy\conversion therapy ideas so present on the blogosphere.

I personally do not choose to go to therapy groups anymore. For a variety of reasons. I love and support organizations like NorthStar and Evergreen. However, I don't go to their meetings anymore... I don't do group therapies, one-on-one therapies, etc. anymore.


Because after progressing as far as I could with them, they didn't help anymore. In fact, they just made me feel stagnant more than anything. I wasn't gaining anything from attending the Matis firesides except a hug from Brother and Sister Matis who I still love and wish the best for---the church needs to clone them for future generations---Firesides weren't as beneficial as they once were. I felt ignored at them. And that is hard for me. I'm not very popular and not well-known in the SSA community necessarily. I'm a social retard but I've discussed this numerous times in the past.

Continuing on... I don't disagree with people who want to change their sexuality. I applaud them for it. Its a difficult challenge and you'll be pressured and ridiculed by many for it.

Others don't want to change their sexuality but want to "add" more heterosexual feelings to their life. Being added upon is a phrase we use a lot in the LDS community.

Trouble is... I want neither.

I had someone who I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with---but her goals and aspirations were different from my own. Only woman I'd ever marry in this life. And now she's married with a baby, so no chance there. She is, and I have said it before, the best woman I've ever known. A few people in the SSA community kind of led to the end of my relationship with her but that's besides the point. And I don't believe it was intentional.

I don't want heterosexual feelings added onto me. I don't want to get married. Honestly. I thought I did once but now after a lot of soul-searching its one of the last of my life's to-do's. If Heavenly Father had desired that of me, He'd have given me different challenges in life. Instead, I have been given this challenge for better or for worse---and I don't see any reason for me to change.

Do reparative therapies work? I'm sure they do for some people. Is JiM great? People say so, but I just don't see the point in paying the money for it personally... to be honest, the secretive nature of its meetings seem a little odd and I'm put off by that. In addition, those who seem to go have little post-JiM clubs which I think are separatist and so I don't approve of that either. I'm already excluded enough, don't need to have another group I'm disconnected with.

Anyway, some people think I'm negative towards therapies---and I'm not. For other people. I just don't want anything to do with being poked and prodded mentally anymore. I did over a year of group and one-on-one therapies at BYU. They helped me overcome a lot of my bad thought processes to help me become more of who I am today. Do I want to sit in a room and discuss my feelings anymore in a therapy setting? Not unless I have a severe change of mind. Which I doubt will happen. I'm far too stubborn.

I don't read statistics about changing one's sexuality anymore and I don't really care the results. Even if there was a magic pill, I'd probably not take it since I'm already set in my ways. If I was meant to be straight, I'd have been in a different life---different challenges---why should I change myself? Why should I even WANT to change myself? Why can't I just be me and love myself for how I am?

Sorry folks. Don't invite me to JiM. Not going to go. But I am not saying I don't support YOU going.

1 comment:

Neal said...

Good post. Like you, I don't feel the need...