Wondering

Sometimes I wonder about going places when I have someone who would love to go with me, even if the place isn't on the top of their list.

Tonight I'm going to see In the Heights at the Pioneer Theatre in Salt Lake. I'll be going alone. I didn't want to beg for a friend to go with me. I thought that would seem rather pathetic. I also didn't want to spend $40 just to pay for a ticket to ask someone to go with me.

I know I will appreciate it. I don't have the money to see it, but I did it as a treat for myself. Sigh.

Today I belted Disney songs in the car. And I was thinking "I'm glad the windows are tinted in the car since people might just assume I'm singing with kids in the backseat." But I was just singing to myself. Who doesn't love Disney song sing-a-longs?

Dirty laundry

Although I do have real dirty laundry sitting in a pile in my bedrooom, I'm referring to the dirty laundry of life.

I've decided to clean up my life a little bit. Regardless of whether I stay in the church---I need to clean up my life. Get rid of the bad, keep the good, and focus all my energies on positive things like the adoption, finding a job, etc.

Lack of support...?

In the last few weeks, I've had two African Americans tell me they are not supportive of my adoption plans completely. One is morally against my providing goods\help\medicine to the orphanage. The other isn't quite clear as to her reasons behind it.

I have to wonder if part of the reasons why there is a lack of support is due to my race. I don't know if this is true, but it seems to be a common theme brought up amongst people who don't support me. Is my light skin a deterrent from being able to love a dark-skinned child? Is there a reason why a white person is not as capable of raising a child of another race? Or is it better to be raised by one's own race?

I don't understand that concept. To me, I am helping a child regardless of his race.

Luckily for them, I don't need their support to continue my plans.

I Daydream... a lot

Confession: I love to daydream.

I like to think about my future and think of all the things I want to do in life. All the places I want to go. All the dreams I've had.

For the last few months, I've thought a lot more about having a special guy to bring home at Christmas or Thanksgiving---someone who'd be excited for our future and supportive of me. I dream about that perfect little house with my 2-3 kids. I picture being the cool dad who knows how to cook any food the kids would want---bake all the cookies... teaching them to garden, paint, draw... teaching them to ride a bike and swim...

And I always imagined I'd have a partner to do it with. Someone who'd treat me special, love me no matter what and who I'd enjoy going to bed with at the end of the day.

Now I realize more and more that I am consistently disappointed with my life and that I'm probably not good in romantic situations. I don't see how or why anyone would choose me.

There's been a few times in my life when I thought I'd finally get my Cinderella-Prince Charming situation. Every time I've been disappointed in the long run.

So maybe that house with the kids and teaching them all those great things will be headed by a single dad without romantic attachments? It might be easier than daydreaming of a future with some guy who'd really love me---someone who'd love me, and the church, even if we didn't live it strictly.

I always dreamed my life would be so different from this hell I'm living. So different now from what it seems. Now life has killed the dreams I dreamed.

As MLK said... I have a dream

I like daydreaming and thinking about dreams---not the kind at night... the ones where we think about our future...

Here's what I envision:

1) No debts from student loans, taxes... and any debts from credit cards to be minimal.

2) A beautiful house, somewhere within about 15 minutes of a city... but with enough space to grow a fruit orchard and where I can have children running in the backyard. Ideally, there'd also be a pool involved. In the middle of the fruit orchard, I also want to have a lamp-post just like in Narnia. I've seen people with lamp posts in their yard and I think it is the cutest idea.

3) My house would have my own office, a food storage room-pantry, and enough space that my family could grow.

4) A partner on some level... someone who is as excited about my adoption, or at least supportive of it... someone who I won't have to convince or motivate. Someone who will say "Hey, let's plan this together..." instead of me doing it all on my own. Even if this partner was a celibate friend who I was close to, I'd be okay. I just would like to have someone who'd be excited about these plans with me.

5) Everyday would be the 4th of July. (I forget what movie this references but I remember watching a movie where someone said life should be full of fireworks like the 4th of July.)

6) Even if we're not 100% active, I'd love to go to church at least 50% of the time... even if its just Sacrament Meeting and Sunday School. I want someone who respects the church even if its too hard to live sometimes.

7) Traveling: I love to travel. Even with kids, I want to travel.

8) A great job which would give me freedom to be with my children. I don't care about working from home vs. an office. Just want to have some sort of income which is stable and pays my bills.


I think that these above dreams are simple and profound.

Why does it seem so hard to attain them?

What to expect... ?

I watched the movie "What to expect when you're expecting?" It follows like 4-5 couples as they go through pregnancies. One is an unmarried couple who got pregnant their first date---another is a couple who has been trying for years---and another is an infertile couple who is adopting.

They adopted a baby from Ethiopia. The husband was unsure and doubted his ability to be a father. At the end, they were so happy in Africa after being given their child. The other couples all gave birth and were happy in the end.

Of course, I was crying like an idiot. Alone at 2 AM in my apartment. Watching these families being built and wishing I was one of them---getting a child. Building a new life. So ridiculous. Is it possible to somehow be a man having a phantom pregnancy which would affect my hormones?

I cried for how beautiful it was. I cried over all the beautiful babies. I also cried because... I won't have that. I realize that now. I won't have a wife who will give birth to our child since I was born into a body which finds it both unnatural and unappealing to have sex with a woman. Instead, I'll have a surrogate and an egg donor who will be highly paid for their services. I won't have someone to go buy baby clothes with, because I'll be the only one excited about the baby. I'll be the one choosing his name---I'll be the one painting the AA Milne Winnie the Pooh themed nursery. When I go to Africa, I will probably go with a friend who will accompany me as he speaks French and is willing to travel to the Congo with me---he and I love adventures and when will someone ever go to the Democratic Republic of the Congo otherwise? But he would be going with me as a friend, not as a partner.



I'll be doing it alone, emotionally speaking. I'll have friends and family for support, but I will not hold out hope that someday I'd find someone who wants children so badly that it hurts.

Recently I've been daydreaming about the possibility of having a partner like that. For some reason I naively thought it would happen, but I think it is a silly idea in the end. What gay man with all the qualities I'd be looking for would think about me in the same way that he'd think about the beauty of a child---that I'd be so unique and perfect that I could be be their choice for life?

It won't happen.

Alright by Tituss Burgess

I’ll be alright

I’ll be just fine

There are no real scars

I’ll heal in no time

The phone has been ringing and ringing and ringing

Off the hook

I knew it wasn’t you

I didn’t bother to look

Oh, But I hoped you would call

But, I just dismiss the thought

Oh how Silly of me

To think this brief meeting could lead to

Long walks and long talks

And Long kisses

And, oh how I wish

That these brief passings of

Of random romances

Would stay a little longer

Then not hurt when its over

Oh, I realize

That these things take time

I guess I just thought

Maybe this time was mine

Now I am stuck in a maze

While I am in a constant daze

Its taken all the strength of me

To break this, all you’ve got on me

Damn those walks and

Damn those hugs

And to hell with your kisses

And oh, how I wish I had never known you

And never had shown you

How close I had come to falling in love with you

Oooooooohhhhhhh….

I’m going to make it through

My world didn’t start with you

 








The only one who I can count on to be equal in my desire for this adoption and building a family is me. So to hell with everyone else. To hell with those who tell me I cannot do it. And to hell to all those times I daydreamed about finding a romantic partner who'd want this with me.

Seriously

I hate the feeling of being alone when there's people who could cure my loneliness out there.

Seriously.

I wonder if I will ever find peace in this life or if I'm destined to be unhappy.

Car loans and taxes...

... Two favorite things in my life are debts and loans.

By favorite, I mean they are the worst things to happen to me.

... Found out I owe some past state taxes which I wasn't alerted to.

I don't have it in my budget to pay them in addition to my other payments.

... So now its tightening the belt. A couple more months.

I'm going to get a car eventually. Its just frustrating.

Someone likes me...

I've gotten a dozen emails about my leaving NorthStar including one at my work email from Danielle Mansfield. I do love Ty and Danielle. They're mini-Moho celebrities.

She wanted me to return to share my opinions about the narrow-mindedness.

I was very touched by her emailing me.

After emailing her a reply, I realized that there are so many issues why I don't want to rejoin.

It is very nice knowing my outlandish opinions are appreciated by some.

No. 1 or No. 2?

I have an intense desire in me to be loved and to love in return. Love without reason or purpose other than to experience that love. Sometimes I hate my life thinking love, true love, isn't possible. At times in my past I tried to tell myself that being loved wasn't important. Other areas in my life were more important. Sometimes I get very cynical about love... not because I don't desire it, but its because I don't know if it will ever work out for me.

I've been in a sort-of relationship for a few years. It is celibate on my end. We started out as close friends who both loved the gospel but he has turned to hating it. What is worse is that I have come to resent being around him. Why? Because despite my being a good companion to him, I've never been his No. 1. I probably never will be.

I live with both him and another roommate. Over the last few years I've begun to feel like I'm drowning. I'm unhappy, I feel used and neglected, and generally unloved. I don't like being home all the time. In fact, I usually prefer being with someone else at home or at someone else's house entirely.

I don't feel like I'm anyone's No. 1. The person someone would choose over anyone else to be with. I'm beginning to wonder if that would ever happen. I tend to be very emotionally driven to be devoted to someone to almost ridiculous levels. Even if I am treated with unkindness, for some reason I stick around. Why? Because I'm a devoted person. I keep hoping that devotion will turn into me being someone's No. 1 who they'd choose over all others.

I think I'm destined to always be a No. 2 or 3. Someone who is just someone to fall back on when someone more enjoyable is around.

Is it wrong to want to be loved like that?

I realize I am sort of a mess at times. I have obsessive compulsive issues. I have only just recently begun to get my weight under control again. I'm not young. I'm not particularly gorgeous like the models on TV but I think I'm nice looking. I don't have a perfect body. I don't have a perfect personality. I can be moody and irritable. But I think I'm overall pretty kind. I love the gospel's principles even if they're sometimes hard to live by. I wish I had someone who thought about the gospel in positive ways, at least with the principles. I wish I had someone who'd go to church with me at least sometimes.

What I really wish is that I'd be someone's No. 1.

I'll never be anyone's knight in armor with a sword in hand. I'll never be a prince or a saint. I'll just keep waiting until someone, someday, realizes that the guy who has always been there for them is the best one they've had around.

Tarot Reading and NorthStar

Sometimes ... we all need a break.

I left NorthStar's Facebook Group. For lots of reasons. One big one being that I don't fit in there.

Right now I'm struggling with who I am. I don't know what I want.

I saw a Tarot Card reader today just for fun. He reads auras and energies. He said I need to let go of what others think of me in order for me to really become who I am. He said that with the adoption, I will be giving people in my life a gift to be able to transcend themselves to become more consistent with God-like ideas by accepting me and my child.

He said I should let my feminine energies out---allowing me to trust my intuition and use my creative sides.

I liked what he had to say. I'd never have gone but a friend of mine invited me. And I'd do anything with him if he asked.

I really don't...

... think my life will ever be better.

I might stop my blog for a little while. I don't know. I'm really not happy.

Back to work. All I can do---work.

I'm sure...

... I've posted these lyrics before. I'm positive of it.

Tonight this is what I'm feeling. I cannot put it into words better than how I feel right now.

Somebody by Depeche Mode

I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts, know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side and give me support
And in return he'll get my support

He will listen to me when I want to speak
About the world we live in and life in general

Though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted
He'll hear me out, and won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking in fact he'll often disagree
But at the end of it all he will understand me

I want somebody who cares for me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things in a different light
All the things I detest I will almost like

I don't want to be tied to anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me, and kiss me tenderly

Do you think God... ?

... would forgive someone who said it was all too much? The loneliness and heartache from being in the gospel and being gay, feeling like I don't belong... feeling like I'm unappreciated and constantly hurt...

I wonder if God is all-knowing, why would he give homosexuality to his children when there's almost a surety that they will "fail." I don't think my life is a failure although some would see it as such if I stopped following the commandments. I know the gospel would always be a part of my life---I see myself still at least going to church sometimes, even if I wouldn't follow all the rules strictly.

I wonder what would happen if there was revelation on this issue. Instead of us just being left to fend for ourselves.

"Why has no one ever loved me?"

I'm sentimental when I'm sad.

There's this quote from As Good as it Gets which I've altered to fit me, as I'm not a waitress. Just edited out words here and there...

"...I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest man on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you and never get that they just met the greatest man alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me... "

This was said by Melvin Udall, a man who is not only obsessive compulsive, but also a real jerk. He fell in love with this waitress and changed both of their lives in the process.

I kind of wish someone would say something like that to me and mean it.

I know that from the gospel perspective I shouldn't worry about those things, since I'll have a wife in the eternities and everything will be fine and dandy... covered in peaches and cream. But its just not enough.

When I think about all the things which I'd have to give up to have someone say and think the above about me, it is scary. But I am also scared of my future in general. I just want to have a good life full of happiness. Right now, I can only remember a few recent times where I was truly happy in that moment.

I know I'm poetic and sentimental. But I believe that there is true happiness in life which can be found with a loving relationship regardless of gender. I just don't know if I'll ever have that in life.

Underappreciated

Sometimes I feel under-appreciated. With all the work that I do, and all the things I feel like I've sacrificed, I feel like I don't get the attention or affection I deserve.

We're on this earth just for one lifetime. That lifetime should be full of love.

And the gospel doesn't really bring me a lot of comfort anymore.