... or at least thinking about leaving.
That was a line from Next to Normal.
I'm thinking about leaving the Northstar groups. Just for a little while. I'm on the Northstar Facebook group which is like a discussions forum. I feel like I'm the one freak there who says what he thinks which isn't what the group agrees with.
I just have so much frustration inside of me for people who only think of things one way---who don't come up with their own ideas. If someone's whole viewpoint is what is taught from the pulpit, there is no discussion. No learning. Its just sharing the same things. So when I share my views, I'm like the only one there who says these things. Am I the only one who agrees with myself? Maybe. Am I too liberal at times? I don't think so. I thought I was still conservative.
I just get so heated when people say gay men cannot raise children. Or that we have some sort of secret agenda. You know my agenda? I want to be a parent because I love kids. Regardless if they see daddy kissing a man or hugging a guy friend or whatever. Like, give me a break---I don't have an agenda beyond wanting to be a parent. I'm not going to buy my kid "Billy has two daddies" in paperback to make him say gay parents are normal. Its not normal. But it doesn't make me a bad parent! If I was normal, I'd be married in the temple with biological kids of my own. Whats wrong with not being normal? I don't think my kid would be brainwashed by me raising him without a mother---attentive parenting is the key in my book. And the kid I'm getting from Africa would probably die without being adopted. Sure, it could go to a strong LDS home with good values---but I don't see many Mormons sacrificing to adopt these kids. Regardless of gender combination or sexuality of the parent, kids need someone to love and nurture them.
Someone actually told me once "Well, those kids die and go straight to heaven... because they were so young." And I'm like "They weren't even given a chance to learn the basic concepts of love! They died loveless!" How is going straight to heaven a prize after having a horrible life? I dunno. Its ridiculous. Kids need to be given a chance. Regardless if I'm some sort of crazy liberally thinking Mormon who wants to raise a kid without a wife.
Returning to the Northstar topic, I don't think I fit in there. I've been feeling it for weeks. I don't want to get married---far from it... I'm against marriage for most men in this situation. If they find someone and that's what they truly want---so be it. But don't get married because the church tells you to. Get married because YOU want to. If you want to marry a woman, fine---but don't tell me to do it.
I don't believe in the New Warrior Weekends or JIM or whatever is the new popular therapy weekend. I love the church but hate the culture and I'm smack dab in the middle of the culture---I have to avoid it at all costs. Maybe that's psychologically why I don't reach out to my ward. Who knows. The culture is like a plague on this church, honestly. And so many people around me are so cookie cutter and I'm not---I'm a completely different shape from everyone else.
I'd rather live in my current situation which doesn't fit everyone's ideal but kind of works for me. Sure, I don't live all the gospel teachings perfectly. I think I'm doing alright. Just not super strictly.
So I guess I'm just sensitive about it. I have to lie to adopt. And that feeling sucks. I cannot even do it legally in this state because of archaic laws.
I feel like whenever I post, I am almost always going against the norm there.
I just don't seem to fit in there. Honestly. I don't even think I'm that liberally minded. I consider myself conservative most of the time. I just wonder if maybe I need to leave it for a while. Focus on other things. Get my mind together. I'm only friends with a couple people there---real friends anyway... the kind who actually message me to find out how my day is going.
So anyway, I'm leaving... I thought you'd like to know. Or at least thinking about it. Or cutting it back or not voicing my opinions since no one agrees anyway.