Questions and Answers

I found this list of questions on another Blog... http://ramblingsofiovan.blogspot.com/2006/09/thirteen-questions.html

So I thought I'd answer it with what I believe to be true. Don't like it? Tough. Write your own answers!

1. Can SSA/homosexuality be completely overcome?

It all depends on how you use the word "Overcome"---if you mean "will it always be a part of my life?" I believe it will be. I don't think it will ever stop being a part of our lives. BUT we can control it, not allow it to bother us, and also to not let it rule our lives or thoughts.

2. Is it necessary to understand where my SSA comes from before I can deal with it, or is it possible to just accept that I have these feelings and then deal with them?

I think sometimes it helps to figure out where they might have stemmed from---but not always. SSA feelings could have any number of causes or roots... I do not think we will ever have concrete answers. BUT to me, it doesn't matter much... Genetic. Behavioral. Social. Psychological... Mix of the above. Who cares!

The most important issue is not where your feelings come from... nor how to "rid" yourself of them. The most important question is "How am I going to live my life the best way Possible? How can I help the most people? How can I ultimately be happy?"

3. Is it possible to deal with SSA without help from others? If not, where do I go for help?

Oh goodness No! Do not go alone. Its rather lonesome when you feel like a "lone freak" in a sea of normal people. I live in Utah and I don't fit the mold of what a typical Mormon is. But I love to be me! AND I love that I have friends who are just like me... who appreciate the same things in life.

4. Is being in a relationship before getting a better understanding of all of this going to be helpful or harmful (also thinking about the other person)?

I think its best to understand this issue before dating. UNLESS the person you're with is learning with you. I think men who get married without telling their wives have an extra step to hurdle but its not impossible. I know lots of married and happy couples where one deals with this. I have an ex-girlfriend and I do not regret dating her and "giving it a shot"... She's still one of my favorite people and the only woman I've ever wanted to share my life with. She's an amazing woman... (And we did not break up because of SSA issues)

5. What is the influence of acting out on my same sex attractions while dealing with SSA - do I start with obedience to the law of chastity, or is that something that can come later?

I think when someone acts on any natural feelings it makes it harder to stay away. I do love kissing---always have... but I wouldn't have known what I was missing unless I tried it out. And I have. But I've turned over a new leaf so I do not participate in as much kissing as I once did! So I think it makes it harder to stay true to your values... SOOOOOO I think you have to figure out safe ways to get your needs met. Whether its through hugs. A little holding therapy type stuff. Quick friendship kisses... Whatever.

I think you need to be careful with whatever you do. And with whomever you do it with!

6. Should I seek contact with other people experiencing SSA or should I focus on good and meaningful relationships with straight people?

Oh! Relationships with other MOHO's is very important. I thank our Heavenly Father all the time for giving me friends who deal with this... and the example of my first MOHO friend still makes me happy knowing he was the first person I met who dealt with it. It reminds me that I not alone.

7. Should I focus on developing deeper relationships with women?

I think its good to develop deeper relationships with women... and ALSO MEN! I don't think we have as many issues relating to women. I love shopping. I love cooking. Animals. Broadway showtunes. etc. Its not that hard to relate to women in this way...

8. Are there any other issues I should address if I want to fully address SSA? What are they?

This is personal and depends on each situation. I think a lot of times, we suffer for years through depression and suicidal thoughts (as I have done)... those issues concerned me more than SSA.

9. Is SSA a sexual thing or is it a matter of underlying issues?

Once again, I don't think its necessarily a sexual thing. It might be sexual for some if they've acted out on it---but generally, I think SSA is a personal journey towards becoming a more fulfilled person.

10. Would I be able to develop heterosexual attractions towards women? (Can I change the fact that a woman has to be drop dead gorgeous before I'm even remotely attracted to her, while even an average looking guy immediately seems to attract my attention?)

I don't know if I want to develop an attraction to women. I like being attracted to men. It is for this reason that my life is the way it is. I used to pray for an attraction to my now-ex-girlfriend which never came. I was attracted to her in all the ways which are non-physical and non-sexual... until she became a little mean to me. (We broke up for non-SSA related reasons...)

After speaking to many of my friends, I know that they developed their attractions to women once they got married to an understanding woman who worked WITH them rather than just trying to get them to change. Or wanting them to be a different type of person.

11. Is the answer found in developing deeper relationships with men or maybe with one man in particular, and then finding out the nature of the needs that are met?

I don't think we need to look for an "Answer"---its not like we have some big overlying question. I don't think looking for an answer will help you find it. Do SSA feelings cause you self-hatred? If so---work on LOVING yourself. Does SSA lead you down dark paths---seeking sexual activity with strangers through cruising or something---if so, then WORK ON THAT. Does SSA cause you to be depressed? If so, work on the depression---work on not being depressed! There's help for that!

I think developing relationships with men is important. Including developing a relationship with our Savior.

12. What can contribute to my motivation to deal with this (which ever way it goes) and not give up?

Decide what you really want---not just what your family wants you to do or your church leaders... Decide what YOU really want. And work towards it.

13. How will I know the right answers to some of the yes or no questions?

Your answers to questions might change over time. Keep trying to figure out what you really believe... it might take a while. But when you know, it feels great!