I've got to stop

I seriously post like twice a day now.

One of my thoughts which I've been working on for the last couple of months is my anger---not anger towards the church since I love the church. I truly do (even if I don't always---or ever---fit the LDS Church Boy mold.)

Sometimes in the past I've become a little angry towards gays in the church. Not Moho's. Not Gays outside the church. But those gay men in the church who leave---either going inactive or remaining active while having sex and having boyfriends... (the latter annoys me even more than the former group...)

An old friend of mine is now an out gay man. He says he's happy. He's left BYU, moved to another state, doesn't go to church and is now an atheist or something... We see this all the time---church members who leave for one reason or another. So WHY do I sometimes get frustrated and angry with these church members?

Well, I should say why DID I get annoyed? Since generally, it doesn't bother me anymore.

Why?

Because I'm happier than they are. I have people who love me. I have a major in a school I love... I have a supportive family, generally, and I get to spend my free time doing my favorite hobby. And I have some amazing friends---in and out of the Moho community. Yes, I do have friends who are not into boys! I swear!

I used to be angry at them---maybe part of it was a deep down jealousy.

As I go to each Evergreen Conference and as I mature as a person, I now have changed my anger to pity and concern... I feel bad for them. Since once they knew the truth and they have now turned away from it. A lot of them have criticized me since I'm not running around town wearing pink and waving the rainbow flag... I do not care though since I am happy as I am.

I hope I'm an example to them. Since they are my brothers in the gospel.

I can wait...

On my own, there's no chaperone but my heart still is mine for the keeping. Take a rest, you can pass this test. You can still dream your dream while you're sleeping.

If I can just stay true to the steps I've taken.... it will all come through. If its fate, let it be. Cause now I see... I can wait.

Change takes time, its a long hard climb. But I'll get to the top if I'm steady.

And where love's concerned, well--I guess I've learned just to trust He'll be here when He's ready...

If I can just stay true to the steps I've taken.... it will all come through. I'll let fate set the day. It's okay... I can wait.

Plant the tiniest seed down below. Tent it well. Then stand back and just watch it grow. Watch me Grow.

If I can just stay true to the steps I have taken.... it will all come through. Name the date and say when. But till then...

I can Wait.

--I Can Wait, deleted song from Hairspray the Musical...

I am Heathcliffe...

I watched Wuthering Heights last night and the scene where the torn Cathy Earnshaw must confront her love for the gypsy, Heathcliff, while he (unbeknownst to her) is overhearing still breaks my heart... when she says "I AM Heathcliff..."

It melts my heart. And makes me want someone to love me like that and to be there everyday to tell me that.

It would be nice, huh?

Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same, and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire.

I cannot express it; but surely you and everybody have a notion that there is, or should be an existence of yours beyond you. What were the use of creation if I were entirely contained here?

My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning; my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the Universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it.

My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods. Time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees — my love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath — a source of little visible delight, but necessary.

Nelly, I am Heathcliff — he's always, always in my mind — not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself — but as my own being — so, don't talk of our separation again — it is impracticable.... Catherine Earnshaw in Wuthering Heights.

I feel good

Right now, I feel good. I found something for a friend of mine last night at work and he was really excited about it... Like genuinely happy. So it made me feel good.

Its nice to do something for someone else without getting anything in return. Other than just doing a favor for someone you love. That's a reward in itself. Having someone to do nice things for.

Silk Orchids and Pizza Parties

I had a pizza party at work today. Actually, at my old job. It was fun. Who doesn't love free pizza? I saw a bunch of my old coworkers who I see like every other day anyway since I'm always in classes with the same people...

Tonight Cool Roommate and I went to Walmart. He's a little mentally distressed since one of his friends is going through a hard time---no details but we'll just say its not good news. lol. Cool Roommate and I decided to buy a DVD player for our living room.

While there we were wandering around. And I decided it was a good idea to buy some flowers for our bathroom. I had a vase and some glass stones. All we needed was foliage and such... So we picked out some blue and white flowers which looked nice.

Its a Moho bathroom. Its supposed to be color-coordinated. And then when we were walking around we found some pretty silk orchids. Normally 3 bucks each... now marked down to 2.25. I checked the price again and they were 75 cents! So I bought three for less than the price of one regularly.

I'm not a huge fan of fake flowers. I prefer real ones. But fake are nice since they will always look pretty.

And since it would have been expensive to fill the big vase I bought with stones, I bought a 50 cent remnant of white muslin type fabric and stuck it in there...

Very pretty. Its in our kitchen table. And the bathroom has been redone with the plants. It looks nicer. More home-like. Or should I say homo-like?

Cool Roommate and I are still boggled that the straighties haven't picked up on the clues yet. They must be blind.

Hanging Around... Nothing to do but Frown...

So yesterday I found out an old friend of mine was inactive now. I kind of knew he was... But he confirmed it. We've grown apart since last year so it wasn't really that much of a shock. I still feel like I should be an example to him---but he seems happy. Don't know what to do about it.

I spent a lot of last night being bored and lonely. I was also in a cuddling mood. Yes. Sometimes Mohos get in the mood to cuddle just like everyone else. I didn't have anyone to cuddle with so I just hugged my body pillow last night instead.

I could have really used a hug.

I wasn't depressed or anything last night. Just was in the mood to spend time with someone. But no one was around. I guess I need to make more friends. Or just text a friend if I'm ever bored or lonely. Sigh.

I did talk to one of my best friends online last night for a few hours. He and I are amigos para siempre. For those of you who know me, you can probably guess who it was. It was really nice.

Today I'm wearing a ring on my left hand ring finger. Its a social experiment. Trying to see who notices. So far, no one. Sometimes I wear it on my left hand just to see if people question whether I'm married or not. I have decided if anyone asks if I'm married, I'll say yes and point out the nearest girl to me as my spouse.

I'm not married though. Since no one would marry a fugly slut like me. Kidding! I'm not Fugly! :)

I'm REALLY in the mood for a movie night. Like, seriously. I want to watch Rent SOOOO badly. I was listening to the music last night and I was like "Woah! Its been months since I've seen Rent!" So if anyone who is reading this wants to watch Rent with me, let me know. I need to buy a cheap DVD player for my living room since right now we have a big screen TV with no DVD player. And that is lame.

I'm now the research assistant for a professor. I'll be researching some early church families for her. Don't know what I'll be doing exactly. Or what I get paid. But whatever.

Speaking of cuddling...

I kind of wonder what it would be like to be really affectionate with a girl. Like, I had an ex-girlfriend but it was long distance so it wasn't really like dating... more like Jane Austenian courtship through letters... I've cuddled with some of my guy friends. Just as a friend thing. Not like a sexual or romantic thing or something. I haven't done that in a while---not since I got back to this country. And I miss that closeness. It doesn't have anything to do with sexual things. Its just nice to feel loved by a friend and to be close to someone.

Does that make sense?

Its not sexual with a guy to cuddle. And since I'm a Moho, cuddling with a girl wouldn't be sexual either. Would it feel the same? Would it be weird? Would I like it? I dunno.

I think the same about kissing. Would kissing a girl be fun? Would it be weird? I dunno.

Guess I have more to learn and experience. In the meantime, I'll be taking applications for anyone who wants to cuddle.

Evergreen Conference 2007

I just went to my third annual Evergreen Conference. It was a little sad for me because this year was my first year that I went alone... my mom wasn't there to support me. And it was a little lonely. Granted, I knew people there. But it still felt lonely at times. I wasn't really myself the first day. Second day, I was much better. Much more relaxed. Myself. Normal. I don't know if anyone noticed the whole thing about me being uncomfortable and not myself but still... I felt it.

This year's conference made me want to do better---to be better---and to try harder.

I still don't know if I will ever get married but I guess it doesn't matter. The point is that I'm generally quite happy. Except for occasionally when I'm sad and want a hug. But who doesn't love a hug from a friend---especially if he's cute? :)

My Roommates

Okay. So I have to tell you about my roommates since I am sure they'll be brought up later.

One is my cool roommate. We'll call him "Cool Roommate" ... Then there's ITT Tech and the Catfisher. Hereafter these last two might be referred to as the "Straighties" when used plurally.

Cool Roommate is by far my favorite. Hands-down. We have been friends for like 3 months and from the first email we were like oddly like brothers or something. Hard to describe. Also a Moho.

So Cool Roommate and I don't really love the Straighties. They're a little annoying. All they do is watch Football and say the F Word.

The F Word, you say?

YES!

And they go to church every week, evidently. So we live with two guys who swear all the time. No joke. Its ridiculous.

I shouldn't judge since I do think swearing can be hilarious. I used to give the finger to my friends all the time as a form of endearment. Sick and twisted, I guess. But I was a freshman and I was stupid. Some of my good friends---including my first ever Moho buddy---helped get me to realize swearing is silly and not very Christ-like. So I have grudgingly stopped to be obedient and all that jazz.

I am the oldest in the apartment, I think. The Straighties are so immature. Its hard to tell their age. Cool Roommate and I think they're a little retarded. Since seriously all they do is watch TV and its not just that its TV... its the crappiest TV shows they could choose. Seriously.

ITT Tech watches Prison Break which is the only one of his shows I like. Well, I don't even like it since I've never watched it. But if I HAD to watch a show he watches, I would watch that.

Cool Roommate and I have cleaned the apartment like everyday since we moved in. Catfisher and ITT Tech do nothing.

Oh, and they also call everything faggy, sh*tty, and love to call each other (and their friends) motherf*****s... No joke. I never said words THAT bad even when i was a freshman and would swear occasionally on campus.

Which brings me to the best story ever from my LDS Campus life... I was once in the Religion building. Middle of the day. I was walking and I stumbled on some stairs. I ended up exclaiming "Oh S**t" a little too loudly and it echoed down the hallway I was walking in... echoing down the very hallway where about 5-6 Book of Mormon classes were going on.

I bolted out the door and didn't look back. I didn't want to get into trouble.

Funny? Yes. Inappropriate? Yes. Such was my life as a Freshman.

Anyway, so ITT Tech doesn't talk to Cool Roommate and I. He ignores us. He and Catfisher are buddies. Catfisher and I talk enough to the point that I like him and don't want him to move out. Well, I kind of do... but whatever. But thats just so that Cool Roommate and I could pick better roommates.

An Introduction...

I'm a Moho. (Not a Homo but a Moho.) For those who don't get the term, it means a Gay Mormon who is sticking with the Latter-day Saint Church.

I'm an interesting mix. Lived in a couple places, all non-Mormon. Until I came to school. Now I live in the mecca of all Mormondom---Utah. Graduating in a few months from the Mecca of all mormon schools---BYU. And I actually love it here.

I will use this blog to express some of my thoughts and feelings. I don't know if anyone will ever read it.

My name comes from my undying love for post-it notes. Who doesn't love post-its? They're quick, easily accessible, and have a million uses. Okay, so really they just can get stuck to things. And they're only used for writing messages. Like reminders to clean the kitty litter box or buy some brown sugar next time you're at the store. But still... Post it notes have saved my life. THANKS Romy and Michelle!