Why I am the way that I am... Part 4

I'm overly sensitive at times, I suppose. I hate rejection. Even if its small ways.

Recently I saw someone on the street who I thought was a friend---a member of the Moho community who I befriended when he was new to the group. Only to discover that evidently he's not a friend, really. A simple hello was ignored. I've been taken off his facebook friends' list after not having done anything to hurt him. I hadn't even spoken to him online in a year. Why the removal unless its something personal against me?

I don't know why but I see more and more rejection from these types of people in my future. People who refuse to accept me the way that I am despite them being supposed leaders of this community. I'm not expecting a bunch of deep late-night chats but a simple hello would have sufficed. If he'd just said "Hello Brad!" it would have been fine. Our eyes made contact for crying out loud. I am tall. Not easily missed.

So ridiculous.

Why do I feel sometimes that life is just an extension of the schoolyard playground of being ignored? Had no friends in elementary school. Now I'm in my 30's and I'm treated basically the same way. Ignored and rejected by people.

Am I so irreverent and beyond hope that I'm not even worthy of friendship from N* leaders?

So thats why I am sensitive. I had a bad childhood. I don't know why I should be ignored now when I don't think I've done anything wrong.

Why I am the way I am... Part 3

For years I have been an outcast caused originally by my peers and later self-imposed.

I was teased relentlessly as a child. For that reason I kind of went into my own coccoon. I was very shy. Hardly ever spoke. So many ideas were in my head, but I never shared them. (Now I never STOP sharing them.)

As I got older, I opened up more fully. However, I still go into a sort of self-imposed isolation when I'm feeling down or depressed.

One reason why I'm the way that I am---I am a very sensitive person. I don't knowingly try to hurt anyone even when my words sometimes do.

Why I am the way I am... part 2

When I was younger, I thought everything was possible through the Gospel. Meaning, I thought that if I was good enough, prayed enough, went to church and did everything I was supposed to do, that I'd be healed and everything would become normal.

I used to read Chris Heimerdinger books and felt they were like scripture.

I used to listen to John Bytheway and thought he was so amazing.

I used to love LDS music.

I used to think that the only music which was appropriate was sung by LDS singers or broadway showtunes.

I used to think swearing was equal in its gravity as alcohol and drug use. All were forbidden and proof that the person was "bad and evil..."

And I really did used to think that the outside-the-LDS-world, people were out to get me and trick me into evil just like them. I secluded myself and isolated myself as I thought I'd been taught to live---

As I got older, I realized the world is wicked in parts but there's a lot of good there. I realized that as I got older and my sins became bigger---much worse than swearing---that I was still a good person deep down. As I got older, I went to nearly two years of therapy to get over the self-hatred that consumed my life. I also tried to recover from homosexuality. I almost got married. I went to therapy groups and Evergreen support things. I even was present when NorthStar was founded. I saw dozens of friends leave the church until it felt like I was the only one left.

I gradually turned my back on LDS culture seeing as how I feel, at times, it has ruined my train of thinking and made my life a mess.

I came to hate so much of the Gospel because it has altered so much my life that I cannot leave or stay without being tormented. I felt like I lost years of my life trying to find a cure which I firmly believe will never come in this life. And I am beginning to doubt if the next life even exists in the way we think it does.

I'm glad I have some standards in life. But I wish I didn't put myself through hell to get to the point I am now.

So when I'm a bit jaded, you can see why. I'm old, alone, and bitter. But still trying to figure out a balance.

Why I am the way I am... Part 1

I've gotten some flack in the last few years due to my being seen as liberal. Perhaps I am seen as a threat to people's security in the sense that I bring up ideas which are generally shunned by the Moho community? Perhaps it is because I make people uncomfortable with my doubts, issues of faith, or my lack of a desire to really try as hard? Maybe its because the LDS community tends to be very conservative and I am more moderate---with a leaning towards liberality on social issues?

I want everyone to know that I am not a bad person. I don't consider myself wicked or unkind or even irreverent... Even if I think differently from others. I believe that God loves me despite my choices, including those which will alienate me from the Mormon community at large.

I want to write a series of blog posts about why I am the way I am. People often question my desire for fatherhood, especially single-fatherhood. Before I continue, I want to say that I have prayed about my decision and I am following the answer to those prayers. However, people might wonder about my decision and why I am making that choice.

Why would I push myself into such an awkward situation within my own life and within the Mormon community? Why would I choose to segregate myself with the liberal view that I, as a single-gay-man, could raise a child as well if not better than any other person or couple? Am I a heretic for saying so and believing in that?

I truly don't believe I'm a heretic.

We're taught in the gospel that we're supposed to have families. However, for those like me who are not attracted to women but still have a desire for a family, we're in an awkward bind. I think that every Moho has to figure out where he or she belongs in the gospel perspective. So why am I the way I am about children?

Today I was listening to the song "The Spark of Creation" from the musical Children of Eden. In the show, God the Father has created two children and wishes for them to remain innocent and pure. Eve, in this song, discusses that there's a little spark inside of her which makes her want more in life.

Excerpts from this song which spoke to me:

I've got a hunger burning inside me, can not be denied
I've got feeling that the Father who made us
When he was kindling a pulse in my veins
He left a tiny spark of that fire, smoldering inside

The spark of creation, is flickering within me
The spark of creation,is blazing in my blood
A bit of the fire that lit up the stars
And breathed life into the mud, the first inspiration
The spark of creation

The spark of creation, is burning bright within me
The spark of creation, won't let me rest at all
Until I discover or build or uncover
A thing that I can call, my celebration
Of the spark of creation

The spark of creation, may it burn forever
The spark creation, I am a keeper of the flame
We think all we want is a lifetime of leisure
Each perfect day the same
Endless vacation
Well that's alright if you're a kind crustacean
But when you're born with an imagination
Sooner or later you're feeling the fire get higher and higher
The spark of creation!!!



I am not a crustacean. I was born with this spark of creation---this spark of wanting to be a father---this spark of wanting to create and build a life for myself. I don't need to create a child physically or pass along my genetic coding to be a father. I wish to be a father to an unloved child or children who would otherwise have no future or hope---

I knew from an early age that I was different, but should that difference which I never asked for or wanted prevent me from fulfilling my destiny of fatherhood?

I told my mother a few months ago that I was given a special gift. I love people with a pure love. It actually is mentioned in my patriarchal blessing. I have a heart that is so big to love all the unloved people of the world---in the case of my adoption plans, my heart is big enough for all the children of the world. My heart wasn't made in a way where I could love a woman as a partner in life. I see women as shopping partners and friends, and nothing else.

God doesn't make mistakes though. My heart wasn't made with an error. Maybe, just maybe, that spark of creation combined with the heart made big enough to love the unloved was made on purpose. There are children out there who would benefit from my overwhelming love for them and their innocence. Why should I deny them that love merely because it is unacceptable to most people in the LDS community---?

Why stay?

My good friend made a comment yesterday which was difficult but also refreshing to hear:

              "If you weren't working for the church, you wouldn't be active in the church."

It was hard to hear because I've always felt like I am a good person who works really hard to be a good person. I don't love the church. I have issues with it. And I work for the church. Its not easy.

But I am trying my best in my limited understanding of what my best really means.

I don't think my friend who made that statement was doing so to rock my boat or to be unkind. I know he wasn't since he is not that type of person. I know he was giving his honest and sincere opinion about my future in the church.

It was still hard to hear. Especially coming from someone who has known me since my BYU days---so he's seen the ups and downs of my life.

I have not been able to balance my attractions and love for men with my faith. I'm not sure if it really is possible completely without having a hole in one area of my life.

You know what is funny, though... when I think of being a father, I don't see a hole in my heart. I will be able to fill it with a lot of love for my future children. Sure, I'll be the whore of babylon on the Block being a single father by choice---and undoubtedly be the subject of much gossip and unkind comments. However, I think that without being a father, I wouldn't be able to stay in the church even in my limited "fake smile" sort of way for more than another year or two.

When I brought up my testimony issues on the NorthStar facebook page, I got various responses. Some offered thanks for bringing up the topic. Others felt I was bashing. I do not do this sort of thing on purpose. I don't think I'm a basher of the church. One person even questioned why I'm still there in the group as I've brought the topic up before and seem to be making no progress. Is it my fault that I am making no progress? Maybe. Its hard to know where to go and what to do.

I kind of wish I wasn't so alone in this. I'd be a great father. It really sucks big monkey testicles that I was given this challenge in life to make fatherhood really hard. I can handle the fake smiles and doing my best if I wasn't alone and incapable of easily having a family without drama and pain associated with it.

Gay Eye for the SSA Guy: Clothing, part 1

Clothing makes the man... but the right clothing can make the man fabulous!

I think some men hear clothing and they assume that I am referring to expensive, name-brand clothing. I actually don't care for brand names as mcuh as I care about the right styles, fits, and shapes. A man can look sharply dressed in clothing from Walmart IF he knows the rules.

I don't think fashion requires one to be following all the trends. In fact, I say most trends are not good ideas. I think being timeless and sophisticated is more important than being trendy. Adding a few trendy articles of clothing can really make your outfit special. However, if fashion isn't your thing, then think "timeless" when picking clothing. Choosing darker denims, simple striped dress button down shirts, and some great jackets will go a lot further than spending a lot of time and money on outfits.

Before I write the next blogs which will go into more things about fit and style, I thought I'd list a few things which I see which are Fashion Do's ... but mostly Don'ts.  

General things to avoid:

1) Wearing two kinds of denim at once. I actually DO like denim together but it has to be two different styles of denim. I think a dark denim jacket looks good with medium colored jeans. But I wouldn't wear dark denim with dark denim. For this reason, I say to avoid wearing two styles of denim UNLESS YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

2) Pleated pants. Never found a pair which looked nice. Wear flat-front trousers. They are slimming (as they visually do not add weight or bulk to your waist as do pleats.)

3) Anything you wore in High School. Unless you graduated within the last 5 years, any clothing you wore (short of it being completely timeless) should be avoided. I have met people who wear clothing which they literally wore in High School. I have a single pair of board shorts which I own from those days.

4) Socks with Sandals. I personally hate seeing socks with sandals. It should never happen.

5) Wearing "comfortable" clothes: Sweatpants and pajamas are great lounging clothes. They're great to snuggle up with someone. But outside the house? No thanks. Put on a pair of jeans.

6) Wearing too many trends: Especially if you're 20-30 years older than anyone else wearing the same trendy outfit. I think one trendy thing (such as wearing a bow-tie, interesting sweater, etc.)

7) Holiday Themed Clothing: If it has Santa, reindeer, the Easter Bunny or glows with lights, it is probably a bad idea. Thank your Aunt Myrtle for the present, wear it once when she sees, and then mysteriously lose it in your bag for Deseret Industries.

Gay Eye for the SSA Guy: Body Part 5, Make-Betters

I think to begin a beauty make-better (as opposed to makeover) was need to sit back and honestly take a look at our appearance.

Make a list of 5 specific attributes you love about yourself.

Make another list of 5 specific attributes of things you'd like to improve. In my case, I've done this so I am including a list of things I'd like to improve on where I've already written them out as goals.

Here's an example love list:

1) Eyebrows
2) Eyes
3) Clear facial skin
4) Height
5) Jawline

Improve List

1) Improve skin on rest of body
2) Work on removing blemishes (or minimizing them)
3) Lost 15 lbs from body weight
4) Be more particular with body hair trimming\grooming
5) Improve health of hair


Nothing on the list is impossible to do. Nothing is extreme. All of these items are achievable with time and effort.

For example, I love the skin on my face. Why? Because I use face masks. Sure, it doesn't sound super masculine. However, I get compliments on how nice my skin looks. Its not too oily or covered in blemishes. I'm hoping when wrinkles start showing up, I will be able to downplay those by taking care of my skin now.

If I want to improve the skin on the rest of my body, I can look into getting better moisturizers, body scrubs, and soaps. There are lots of natural ways to improve one's skin too from around the house ingredients. I've seen some people who make scrubs from things like oatmeal and sugar.

Every couple of weeks, I have what I call an "At Home Spa Night" which usually involves me, a bath tub, candles and a lot of products. I'll use bubble baths, salts, scrubs, etc. You name it, I own it. I love Bath and Body Works, Body Shop, and all sorts of smelly soap products. I'll take a long bath, shave, trim my eyebrows, use a face mask, etc. By the end of the time, my body feels so relaxed and fresh. Its truly lovely. I need to someday get a house with a large jacuzzi tub to make it even more pleasant.

The reason I bring these things up is that there are little ways in which we can improve our spirits and our beliefs about ourselves. Even doing things like making your skin look its best, smelling your best, and feeling good... will make you more positive about your outward appearance. Others will notice it too. Especially if you're not one who normally spends much time on yourself.