Monday, June 24, 2013

Why I am the way I am... Part 1

I've gotten some flack in the last few years due to my being seen as liberal. Perhaps I am seen as a threat to people's security in the sense that I bring up ideas which are generally shunned by the Moho community? Perhaps it is because I make people uncomfortable with my doubts, issues of faith, or my lack of a desire to really try as hard? Maybe its because the LDS community tends to be very conservative and I am more moderate---with a leaning towards liberality on social issues?

I want everyone to know that I am not a bad person. I don't consider myself wicked or unkind or even irreverent... Even if I think differently from others. I believe that God loves me despite my choices, including those which will alienate me from the Mormon community at large.

I want to write a series of blog posts about why I am the way I am. People often question my desire for fatherhood, especially single-fatherhood. Before I continue, I want to say that I have prayed about my decision and I am following the answer to those prayers. However, people might wonder about my decision and why I am making that choice.

Why would I push myself into such an awkward situation within my own life and within the Mormon community? Why would I choose to segregate myself with the liberal view that I, as a single-gay-man, could raise a child as well if not better than any other person or couple? Am I a heretic for saying so and believing in that?

I truly don't believe I'm a heretic.

We're taught in the gospel that we're supposed to have families. However, for those like me who are not attracted to women but still have a desire for a family, we're in an awkward bind. I think that every Moho has to figure out where he or she belongs in the gospel perspective. So why am I the way I am about children?

Today I was listening to the song "The Spark of Creation" from the musical Children of Eden. In the show, God the Father has created two children and wishes for them to remain innocent and pure. Eve, in this song, discusses that there's a little spark inside of her which makes her want more in life.

Excerpts from this song which spoke to me:

I've got a hunger burning inside me, can not be denied
I've got feeling that the Father who made us
When he was kindling a pulse in my veins
He left a tiny spark of that fire, smoldering inside

The spark of creation, is flickering within me
The spark of creation,is blazing in my blood
A bit of the fire that lit up the stars
And breathed life into the mud, the first inspiration
The spark of creation

The spark of creation, is burning bright within me
The spark of creation, won't let me rest at all
Until I discover or build or uncover
A thing that I can call, my celebration
Of the spark of creation

The spark of creation, may it burn forever
The spark creation, I am a keeper of the flame
We think all we want is a lifetime of leisure
Each perfect day the same
Endless vacation
Well that's alright if you're a kind crustacean
But when you're born with an imagination
Sooner or later you're feeling the fire get higher and higher
The spark of creation!!!

I am not a crustacean. I was born with this spark of creation---this spark of wanting to be a father---this spark of wanting to create and build a life for myself. I don't need to create a child physically or pass along my genetic coding to be a father. I wish to be a father to an unloved child or children who would otherwise have no future or hope---

I knew from an early age that I was different, but should that difference which I never asked for or wanted prevent me from fulfilling my destiny of fatherhood?

I told my mother a few months ago that I was given a special gift. I love people with a pure love. It actually is mentioned in my patriarchal blessing. I have a heart that is so big to love all the unloved people of the world---in the case of my adoption plans, my heart is big enough for all the children of the world. My heart wasn't made in a way where I could love a woman as a partner in life. I see women as shopping partners and friends, and nothing else.

God doesn't make mistakes though. My heart wasn't made with an error. Maybe, just maybe, that spark of creation combined with the heart made big enough to love the unloved was made on purpose. There are children out there who would benefit from my overwhelming love for them and their innocence. Why should I deny them that love merely because it is unacceptable to most people in the LDS community---?

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