My good friend made a comment yesterday which was difficult but also refreshing to hear:
"If you weren't working for the church, you wouldn't be active in the church."
It was hard to hear because I've always felt like I am a good person who works really hard to be a good person. I don't love the church. I have issues with it. And I work for the church. Its not easy.
But I am trying my best in my limited understanding of what my best really means.
I don't think my friend who made that statement was doing so to rock my boat or to be unkind. I know he wasn't since he is not that type of person. I know he was giving his honest and sincere opinion about my future in the church.
It was still hard to hear. Especially coming from someone who has known me since my BYU days---so he's seen the ups and downs of my life.
I have not been able to balance my attractions and love for men with my faith. I'm not sure if it really is possible completely without having a hole in one area of my life.
You know what is funny, though... when I think of being a father, I don't see a hole in my heart. I will be able to fill it with a lot of love for my future children. Sure, I'll be the whore of babylon on the Block being a single father by choice---and undoubtedly be the subject of much gossip and unkind comments. However, I think that without being a father, I wouldn't be able to stay in the church even in my limited "fake smile" sort of way for more than another year or two.
When I brought up my testimony issues on the NorthStar facebook page, I got various responses. Some offered thanks for bringing up the topic. Others felt I was bashing. I do not do this sort of thing on purpose. I don't think I'm a basher of the church. One person even questioned why I'm still there in the group as I've brought the topic up before and seem to be making no progress. Is it my fault that I am making no progress? Maybe. Its hard to know where to go and what to do.
I kind of wish I wasn't so alone in this. I'd be a great father. It really sucks big monkey testicles that I was given this challenge in life to make fatherhood really hard. I can handle the fake smiles and doing my best if I wasn't alone and incapable of easily having a family without drama and pain associated with it.