Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Why I am the way I am... part 2

When I was younger, I thought everything was possible through the Gospel. Meaning, I thought that if I was good enough, prayed enough, went to church and did everything I was supposed to do, that I'd be healed and everything would become normal.

I used to read Chris Heimerdinger books and felt they were like scripture.

I used to listen to John Bytheway and thought he was so amazing.

I used to love LDS music.

I used to think that the only music which was appropriate was sung by LDS singers or broadway showtunes.

I used to think swearing was equal in its gravity as alcohol and drug use. All were forbidden and proof that the person was "bad and evil..."

And I really did used to think that the outside-the-LDS-world, people were out to get me and trick me into evil just like them. I secluded myself and isolated myself as I thought I'd been taught to live---

As I got older, I realized the world is wicked in parts but there's a lot of good there. I realized that as I got older and my sins became bigger---much worse than swearing---that I was still a good person deep down. As I got older, I went to nearly two years of therapy to get over the self-hatred that consumed my life. I also tried to recover from homosexuality. I almost got married. I went to therapy groups and Evergreen support things. I even was present when NorthStar was founded. I saw dozens of friends leave the church until it felt like I was the only one left.

I gradually turned my back on LDS culture seeing as how I feel, at times, it has ruined my train of thinking and made my life a mess.

I came to hate so much of the Gospel because it has altered so much my life that I cannot leave or stay without being tormented. I felt like I lost years of my life trying to find a cure which I firmly believe will never come in this life. And I am beginning to doubt if the next life even exists in the way we think it does.

I'm glad I have some standards in life. But I wish I didn't put myself through hell to get to the point I am now.

So when I'm a bit jaded, you can see why. I'm old, alone, and bitter. But still trying to figure out a balance.


ControllerOne said...

As an agnostic/atheist (not sure what to call myself really) from a string LDS tradition I know how difficult it is to even accept the possibility that this life is it. You're certainly not alone in that regard.

Derek said...

I used to have these very same ways of thinking. And I've read probably every Chris Heimerdinger book written (growing up I read very few books that were not written by an LDS author). Now that I too have found myself disbeleiving the church entirely, it is easy to feel bitter over wasted effort and time. I've contemplated leaving as well but it always has a way of sucking you back in. I am trying to again appreciate the good in the church and use it for my own improvement as a person and as a means of serving others.