Lack of support...?

In the last few weeks, I've had two African Americans tell me they are not supportive of my adoption plans completely. One is morally against my providing goods\help\medicine to the orphanage. The other isn't quite clear as to her reasons behind it.

I have to wonder if part of the reasons why there is a lack of support is due to my race. I don't know if this is true, but it seems to be a common theme brought up amongst people who don't support me. Is my light skin a deterrent from being able to love a dark-skinned child? Is there a reason why a white person is not as capable of raising a child of another race? Or is it better to be raised by one's own race?

I don't understand that concept. To me, I am helping a child regardless of his race.

Luckily for them, I don't need their support to continue my plans.

I Daydream... a lot

Confession: I love to daydream.

I like to think about my future and think of all the things I want to do in life. All the places I want to go. All the dreams I've had.

For the last few months, I've thought a lot more about having a special guy to bring home at Christmas or Thanksgiving---someone who'd be excited for our future and supportive of me. I dream about that perfect little house with my 2-3 kids. I picture being the cool dad who knows how to cook any food the kids would want---bake all the cookies... teaching them to garden, paint, draw... teaching them to ride a bike and swim...

And I always imagined I'd have a partner to do it with. Someone who'd treat me special, love me no matter what and who I'd enjoy going to bed with at the end of the day.

Now I realize more and more that I am consistently disappointed with my life and that I'm probably not good in romantic situations. I don't see how or why anyone would choose me.

There's been a few times in my life when I thought I'd finally get my Cinderella-Prince Charming situation. Every time I've been disappointed in the long run.

So maybe that house with the kids and teaching them all those great things will be headed by a single dad without romantic attachments? It might be easier than daydreaming of a future with some guy who'd really love me---someone who'd love me, and the church, even if we didn't live it strictly.

I always dreamed my life would be so different from this hell I'm living. So different now from what it seems. Now life has killed the dreams I dreamed.

As MLK said... I have a dream

I like daydreaming and thinking about dreams---not the kind at night... the ones where we think about our future...

Here's what I envision:

1) No debts from student loans, taxes... and any debts from credit cards to be minimal.

2) A beautiful house, somewhere within about 15 minutes of a city... but with enough space to grow a fruit orchard and where I can have children running in the backyard. Ideally, there'd also be a pool involved. In the middle of the fruit orchard, I also want to have a lamp-post just like in Narnia. I've seen people with lamp posts in their yard and I think it is the cutest idea.

3) My house would have my own office, a food storage room-pantry, and enough space that my family could grow.

4) A partner on some level... someone who is as excited about my adoption, or at least supportive of it... someone who I won't have to convince or motivate. Someone who will say "Hey, let's plan this together..." instead of me doing it all on my own. Even if this partner was a celibate friend who I was close to, I'd be okay. I just would like to have someone who'd be excited about these plans with me.

5) Everyday would be the 4th of July. (I forget what movie this references but I remember watching a movie where someone said life should be full of fireworks like the 4th of July.)

6) Even if we're not 100% active, I'd love to go to church at least 50% of the time... even if its just Sacrament Meeting and Sunday School. I want someone who respects the church even if its too hard to live sometimes.

7) Traveling: I love to travel. Even with kids, I want to travel.

8) A great job which would give me freedom to be with my children. I don't care about working from home vs. an office. Just want to have some sort of income which is stable and pays my bills.


I think that these above dreams are simple and profound.

Why does it seem so hard to attain them?

What to expect... ?

I watched the movie "What to expect when you're expecting?" It follows like 4-5 couples as they go through pregnancies. One is an unmarried couple who got pregnant their first date---another is a couple who has been trying for years---and another is an infertile couple who is adopting.

They adopted a baby from Ethiopia. The husband was unsure and doubted his ability to be a father. At the end, they were so happy in Africa after being given their child. The other couples all gave birth and were happy in the end.

Of course, I was crying like an idiot. Alone at 2 AM in my apartment. Watching these families being built and wishing I was one of them---getting a child. Building a new life. So ridiculous. Is it possible to somehow be a man having a phantom pregnancy which would affect my hormones?

I cried for how beautiful it was. I cried over all the beautiful babies. I also cried because... I won't have that. I realize that now. I won't have a wife who will give birth to our child since I was born into a body which finds it both unnatural and unappealing to have sex with a woman. Instead, I'll have a surrogate and an egg donor who will be highly paid for their services. I won't have someone to go buy baby clothes with, because I'll be the only one excited about the baby. I'll be the one choosing his name---I'll be the one painting the AA Milne Winnie the Pooh themed nursery. When I go to Africa, I will probably go with a friend who will accompany me as he speaks French and is willing to travel to the Congo with me---he and I love adventures and when will someone ever go to the Democratic Republic of the Congo otherwise? But he would be going with me as a friend, not as a partner.



I'll be doing it alone, emotionally speaking. I'll have friends and family for support, but I will not hold out hope that someday I'd find someone who wants children so badly that it hurts.

Recently I've been daydreaming about the possibility of having a partner like that. For some reason I naively thought it would happen, but I think it is a silly idea in the end. What gay man with all the qualities I'd be looking for would think about me in the same way that he'd think about the beauty of a child---that I'd be so unique and perfect that I could be be their choice for life?

It won't happen.

Alright by Tituss Burgess

I’ll be alright

I’ll be just fine

There are no real scars

I’ll heal in no time

The phone has been ringing and ringing and ringing

Off the hook

I knew it wasn’t you

I didn’t bother to look

Oh, But I hoped you would call

But, I just dismiss the thought

Oh how Silly of me

To think this brief meeting could lead to

Long walks and long talks

And Long kisses

And, oh how I wish

That these brief passings of

Of random romances

Would stay a little longer

Then not hurt when its over

Oh, I realize

That these things take time

I guess I just thought

Maybe this time was mine

Now I am stuck in a maze

While I am in a constant daze

Its taken all the strength of me

To break this, all you’ve got on me

Damn those walks and

Damn those hugs

And to hell with your kisses

And oh, how I wish I had never known you

And never had shown you

How close I had come to falling in love with you

Oooooooohhhhhhh….

I’m going to make it through

My world didn’t start with you

 








The only one who I can count on to be equal in my desire for this adoption and building a family is me. So to hell with everyone else. To hell with those who tell me I cannot do it. And to hell to all those times I daydreamed about finding a romantic partner who'd want this with me.

Seriously

I hate the feeling of being alone when there's people who could cure my loneliness out there.

Seriously.

I wonder if I will ever find peace in this life or if I'm destined to be unhappy.

Car loans and taxes...

... Two favorite things in my life are debts and loans.

By favorite, I mean they are the worst things to happen to me.

... Found out I owe some past state taxes which I wasn't alerted to.

I don't have it in my budget to pay them in addition to my other payments.

... So now its tightening the belt. A couple more months.

I'm going to get a car eventually. Its just frustrating.

Someone likes me...

I've gotten a dozen emails about my leaving NorthStar including one at my work email from Danielle Mansfield. I do love Ty and Danielle. They're mini-Moho celebrities.

She wanted me to return to share my opinions about the narrow-mindedness.

I was very touched by her emailing me.

After emailing her a reply, I realized that there are so many issues why I don't want to rejoin.

It is very nice knowing my outlandish opinions are appreciated by some.