Monday, June 11, 2012

Am I the only one?

Sometimes I think I'm the last Moho who still goes to church. And the fact that right now I feel like I'm slipping through the cracks of the gospel. . . Am I the only one who feels this way?

Last week I found out my old friend, who I don't really talk to much anymore, left the church. He chose to leave, which in a way is harder than him being excommunicated. He said he felt prompted to leave. Which makes me wonder "What is the truth?" Sometimes I feel miracles are happening in my life---and that at times prayers are being answered. But are they being answered? Or is this merely some sort of cosmic energy?

I've been praying more that I'd know that the gospel is true. If I knew without a doubt in my head, being the only one still going to church (or feeling like I am) wouldn't be so lonely. I don't know why I'm not that popular with Mohos---why I've never really been invited to parties and things like that. I could handle that easier if I wasn't feeling like I was the only Moho around. Maybe if I was more open minded to marriage, less opinionated about every topic on the planet, or went to JIM I'd be part of the cool Moho gang and be invited to things ... so then I wouldn't be the only one. I dunno.

Sometimes I just wish I didn't have doubts that my whole life was a complete sham if it turned out the church wasn't right. When I see people leaving the church, especially when they say the spirit told them to do so, it causes doubts.

And I don't like that.

12 comments:

Duck said...

You are not the only MoHo who still goes to Church. :)

In my opinion, the only thing that will make anyone's life a sham is what that person does with his/her life.

I hate doubts, too. I like when they lead me to work at finding out what is true and consistent, so that I don't have to have the doubts any longer.

Sending you good energy, love and hope. :)

Gay LDS Actor said...

I still go to church pretty regularly, although I was excommunicated three years ago and live very happily with my partner.

But I, too, admit, that I don't feel as connected with LDS teachings as I once did. But I also don't feel like my life is a sham. I just do what brings me happiness and hope it continues.

Justin said...

I still go to church.

Andrew A said...

I still go to church each week. I struggle with wondering what the point is sometimes, considering I can't take the sacrament or exercise the priesthood. Still, I have some good experiences with the men in my elder's quorum that keep me going.

Brad said...

There is no point to going to chruch if you can't participate, take the sacrametn or exercise your priesthood. There are many faith communities that will love and accept you as homosexual men and women and you'll be surprised how much of God's love you will feel there. I'm done being a Latter Day Saint.

Neal said...

I go to Church. There are many more of us than you might think. Some just don't speak up about it.

ControllerOne said...

Well I don't go to church anymore. Haven't for years. But I'm afraid even the most devout and believing member will tell you that there is always doubt on some level; that believing in the absence of absolute knowledge is the essence of faith, and the bedrock of the Faith.

I am sorry you feel so lonely. I know how it feels to not belong, but for different reasons. I have simply learned to accept my life for the good that is in it, be that good something profound like an incredible friendship, sublime like being alone on a 9,500 foot peak and feelling like you are on top of the world or as simple as a walk by the river with two of the world's happiest beagles.

Hang in there friend. LIfe is decidely worth living.

Mr. B. said...

I know quite a few people that still go to church. Some of them are active, some not. Some of them are in Utah (is that where you are still?), some are not.

Keep trying to find out what you want and look for people who can support and help you.

Trev said...

I go to church, too! :)

Sorry you're having a hard time, lately. I've felt the same sort of things far to often for the last several months. It feels terrible, but on some level I feel like it's worth it and that it is a refining process. I'm learning what I really care about and gaining the confidence and faith to not worry so much about the stuff I don't.

If I had Moho parties and you weren't thousands of miles away, I would totally invite you :). You of course have a standing invitation to visit in China sometime. In the meantime, Skype/phone will have to do.

Post-It Boy said...

Thank you everyone for your comments. Sometimes I just think I'm the only one who still goes to church. As I see more and more people falling away, leaving the church, etc. it is hard for me to stay going.

I always imagine my future family going to church together. But maybe a more understanding version of the LDS church. :)

Post-It Boy said...

And yes, I still live in Utah. I'm in Salt Lake City.

INSIDE said...

I haven't gone to church on my own for two years now, but have held a strong testimony all the time (sounds contradictory I know). I am actually looking at attending more now.

Try not to think of what others are doing, or thinking, and try to focus on you and what you think and are doing. When we compare ourselves to others we are bound for disappointment.

Chin up brother! Set your path, and begin the journey. There is always time to stop and re-set the course if needed, or reassure yourself of the path you are already on.