Tuesday, April 24, 2012

My brother and I

This past weekend I visited my brother. He is divorced and has expressed how it is difficult being a divorced man in the church. He is a good man and an amazing father to his children. However, being divorced and a Mormon, he's a bit of a social pariah. I wanted to tell him that I totally knew how he felt. But I didn't.

I guess I'm a little chicken.

He and I got into a discussion about some of the problems and issues we both have with LDS culture. It was really nice, and actually, when he dropped me off at the airport he asked if he could circle the airport again to continue the conversation. Later, he texted me saying he enjoyed the conversation.

He mentioned that there is a tendency for the youngest son in a family of a lot of sons to turn out to be gay. As the 5th son and youngest, I didn't want to even use this as a lead into the "How interesting since its true!" lol.

Why was I so quick to disregard informing him about my life? I have kept it hidden from most of my family my entire life. I'm not ashamed. I guess I've kept it a secret for so long that I don't want to risk having any changes in my family. My brother and I have just started getting closer again for the first time since we were younger. I didn't want to risk it.

Isn't that ridiculous?


AKgayN.LDS said...

It isn't ridiculous to be fearful. Disclosing your attraction to men can be difficult and once you state it you can't take it back.

I wish my siblings and I were as close.

El Genio said...

If he mentioned that in your presence it means he is thinking about it and wondering about you. Not saying that you have to or should come out to him, but it appears to be something he is thinking about regardless.

Mr. B. said...

It is always tough to share with family. But, it does sound that he was genuinely interested. He may not be able to fully relate, but definitely is struggling with something (different, but) similar.

It may be a nice opening.

Trev said...

It's not ridiculous, but it sounds like you will be coming out to him sooner or later--perhaps sooner than later. ;)


I was actually surprised to read you're not out to your family, as I was under the impression that you're generally out to people close to you outside of work.

Therman said...

By the sound of it, I am almost positive sharing your True Self with your older brother will bring you both closer. It sounds like he already knows (by him dropping that bombshell during your intimate conversation). It felt extremely liberating and freeing when I told my sister I was gay. I can't imagine going back and not telling her.

Post-It Boy said...

He might have some idea. I don't talk about it with my siblings because my parents have asked I keep it private---And I am trying to respect that.

And if he suspects, I appreciate him not just asking me straight-forward since that is a difficult situation to put myself in. Do I go the honest route or be respectful of my parents' request?

Andy said...

Tell your brother. I told mine, and we had some good conversations. Although we don't talk much about "it" I do find it comforting that he knows and yet still treats me like his little brother.

My Soul Hungered said...

My question is, why do your parents want you not to tell anyone? You are a grown man, and he is a grown man. Had my parents asked that I'd have told them that it's my prerogative to tell whomever I wish. They are still your parents, and I think taking their feelings into consideration is prudent, but ultimately, they no longer manage your life. It's your life. I'd pick honest every time. I may then tell my parents (if I felt the need) that I told the brother, just to spare their feelings or let them know you honor their advice - but I wouldn't let their restrictions influence your life.