Thursday, April 26, 2012

A break

I have voluntarily left the NorthStar Facebook group and will remain a non-member for a few weeks. It stems from a few things...

1) I'm utterly exhausted 24-7 due to the stresses in my life. I am financially strapped. I am not sleeping even when I go to bed. My eyes are bloodshot. I don't see an end of my financial worries. Honestly, I kind of feel like running away from my life right now. I don't see an end to the pain of not having a normal job, a normal paycheck, health benefits... I've been doing this for too long.

2) I don't gain a lot from the group other than adding my own 2 cents. However, I don't gain much other than that. Sometimes it can be kind of an amusing conversation. However, I don't gain much. I'm in a decent place in my life. My sexual attractions don't dictate my life. I don't fit into the group anyway.

3) Problems with one of the members who I have blocked have escalated. (I have multiple members blocked so this is not disclosing the identity since I'm tired of back-talk anyway...) Discovered he was discussing my past life with another member. I emailed him after a very long hiatus of not talking with him. He accused me of more junk. I'm done with being accused of things and him putting my past life on display for others. Its just too many painful reminders whenever I hear or see anything regarding him---Just hearing his name gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. He brings up too many suppressed memories which took a year of therapy at BYU to recover from. I am not blaming him for my leaving---he is one of multiple reasons which was a catalyst. I just want him out of my life and being on the group reminds me of him. Too painful. Not going there.

4) I need to focus my life on more productive things than my sexuality. I have no friends in my ward and few friends who I can just call up and hang out---I feel like a loser with no life, but until I get more normal financially, I cannot expect to have any life outside of work.

5) My parents are going through some financial and personal struggles as well. I need to focus my energy there. I wish I could help them.

If you want to know my thoughts on topics, read them here. If you don't like my views, as several NorthStar individuals have said I am liberal and even border-line apostate, then that is fine. I'm not THAT liberal. I'm not apostate. In fact, I think that my views on the subject are very valid. I preach tolerance and love, including loving yourself and your attractions, instead of viewing yourself as a social or spiritual pariah. If that makes me liberal, then stick a big old rainbow sticker on my butt and call me a granola.

NorthStar is a great group. There are some wonderful people there. However, I


Duck said...

I understand your wanting to leave the group, and especially get some away-space from the person in the group who has caused you so much trouble. I can relate to that- when I was coming to terms with being gay, I joined an online support group. The moderator ended up being a liar and a predator, among other things.

Hope life will start to calm down for you.

AKgayN.LDS said...

I didn't realize there is a NorthStar facebook group. But, it sounds like a break is in order.

I agree that some of the more conservative folk muddy the water a bit in such groups.

From time to time I'll glance at what is going on on the NorthStar website but I feel like I have moved on in life. In a way reading all the negative feelings people have kind of drove me away. I decided I didn't want to be around it anylonger and decided I wanted to be happy. Distancing myself has helped considerably. When I was at The UofU the worst group was Evergreen. The feelings were terrible in the SLC Mens Group. I stopped going and I felt sooo much better!

Post-It Boy said...

Facebook has a group. And usually the talk is relatively positive but I have several of the negative Nancys blocked.

I think support groups like Evergreen have their purpose, but so much said is negative. And it kind of drags me down. I have worked for years to think of my attractions as being something positive.