My last post got a comment about why I would still want to be a part of the LDS church organization. My answer is simple enough: Its because I have faith that its true.
I realize that explanation is silly and makes me sound naive. I say this with full knowledge that some will consider me completely out of my mind. I've documented my blog for the last few years, with only occasional posts until more recently when I've gotten back into writing my blog.
If you read from the beginning, you can see a change in my perspective. I've become less strict, less depressed, more open and realistic. Am I going to be the "new gay"---? I'm not sure if the next generation of gay men will think more like I do. As I see more and more of my friends leave the church, its a little disheartening... If I didn't have a testimony anymore, I wouldn't be here writing. I'd be off living my life. And I AM living my life. And most of the time, I'm happy with my life---I'm happy with my decision to stay in the church.
Some people talk about all the unpleasantness from living in Utah and a heavily LDS environment---and I see what they're saying. However, I don't have as many negative experiences. I'm usually just doing my own thing. If I am surrounded by negative people, I get out of that group---or, I confront them and bash 'em. Whichever is easiest. :)
The gospel bothers me far less than LDS culture. However, most of the LDS culture I'm completely separated from. I go to work, come home, do my life here, etc. I'm rarely if ever surrounded by LDS people. My roommates are both inactive. Most of my friends are LDS but I don't see my friends too often. (I'm wildly unpopular and unlikeable. haha. Actually, I'm a workaholic.)
So most of the time, its just me living my quiet life. Even if I was out of the church, I'd probably continue living my little quiet life. There'd be little difference since I don't hold a lot of animosity towards the church. Nor do I hold much of any inner conflict or turmoil.
I've made my decision to remain LDS because of my faith. I'm strong enough not to give up, humble enough to accept my fate, and wise enough not to take crap from anyone.
Did I just say crap in my version of a gay Mormon blogger testimony?
3 comments:
Wow, I just went through and read your whole blog. I found it very interesting. I have struggled with ssa as well (although I'm female) but appreciate your attitude towards it. I went through the temple in 2006. Your more current posts about adopting.....I think it's cool. Utah is ridiculous to me and I could never live there. I have recently been a little slump. I know the Gospel is true and I love it, but I struggled this past year with temptations and am beating myself up for it pretty bad. I guess we all just have to have Faith. I admire all you have done and hope you continue to fight the good fight and receive blessings for it.
Utah is a bit ridiculous. I've even considered marrying a friend just to improve my chances for adoption. However, for the Congo, I'd need to be married for 5 years... And I'd like to be able to be a parent within 2-3 years.
I have even searched if I can have a home study done outside of Utah while living here. Its so frustrating and obviously geared towards not allowing homosexuals a chance to adopt. Grrrr! I'd be a better mom and dad combined than a lot of parents in traditional families.
I think its interesting hearing perspectives from females. I appreciate it. I went through the temple in 2009 for the first time. It was a great experience for me!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about your faith. You're a good man.
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