I think that I am guilty of this at times... but I am trying not to be.
Many of us use the phrase the "Gay Lifestyle" or the "Gay Life"... but what does it mean?
If I am gay, homosexual, SGA, etc. I'm still attracted to members of my own gender. Regardless of what I do with those feelings, I'm still attracted to men. I don't have to be romantically linked to anyone. I don't have to be doing anything I don't want to do.
Why do we differentiate so much between those who are celibate by choice or those who are sexually active? What if someone has left the church but still isn't sexually active? What about those still going to church but who are sexually active? Who fits into what category?
Sometimes I wonder, like Dumbledore, if we sort people into categories too early.
I know what people are meaning when they say the "gay lifestyle." But to the world and the church body at large, it doesn't matter. Someday, I plan on having a baby and raising him or her... and to the church community, I'll just be a gay man with a baby. And yes, I'll be going to church. But I'll still be a freak. Some members will assume I'm divorced. Some will think I'm recently widowed. Some will question my motivations for going to church. Some will wonder where my wife is. I won't fit into their very narrow mindset of appropriate or normal behavior. They won't be able to categorize me completely. I won't fit a mold. So I wonder... SHOULD we even be fitting people into molds in the first place? Are we guilty of saying someone is living a certain lifestyle when he or she might just be living their LIFE?
Do we, in our haste, put people into a category?
I guess I am living the gay lifestyle. Since I am homosexually minded. But that doesn't mean I'm sexually active. It just means my lifestyle includes gay aspects. I love Orlando Bloom movies for many reasons besides the fact they're fun. (He's SO gorgeous!) I like GQ. I like sewing and decorating. I like wearing pocket squares. These are aspects of a gay lifestyle.
So where do I fit into the categories we're so quick to put people in?
Monday, December 19, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Am I mean?
I sometimes wonder if I come across as mean when I express my opinions. I've said in the past that JiM sounds like a cult. Well, to me it DOES. I've read the articles about what goes on there, and maybe it helps people. But to me, it sounds like a Cult. All full of secrets. And from what I gather, its like group therapy sessions and holding and all sorts of things which don't sound too appealing. Now maybe they really do help people embrace their masculinity.
However, I don't think I need to embrace my masculinity. I'm glad I have a penis. And I'm proud of my metrosexuality. I like wearing pocket squares and I think I might start rocking a bow-tie.
So am I mean for saying that I think those weekends sound like a cult? I dunno. I just think I'm expressing an opinion.
I'm vocal with opinions. Does that make me mean or just honest? Personally, I kind of think more people agree with my opinions than will admit it since I just speak whats in my head.
In other news, I met with a financial counselor and he thinks I might be able to get into a house within a year. Which would be awesome.
However, I don't think I need to embrace my masculinity. I'm glad I have a penis. And I'm proud of my metrosexuality. I like wearing pocket squares and I think I might start rocking a bow-tie.
So am I mean for saying that I think those weekends sound like a cult? I dunno. I just think I'm expressing an opinion.
I'm vocal with opinions. Does that make me mean or just honest? Personally, I kind of think more people agree with my opinions than will admit it since I just speak whats in my head.
In other news, I met with a financial counselor and he thinks I might be able to get into a house within a year. Which would be awesome.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Why not me?
So I see everyone with babies and families... homes and newer cars... and I think "Why not me?"
Well, its going to be me. I'm not giving up. I've got my four-part plan. In order for me to get it, I have to remain positive, upbeat, and keep fighting.
Well, its going to be me. I'm not giving up. I've got my four-part plan. In order for me to get it, I have to remain positive, upbeat, and keep fighting.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Fixing
I don't follow politics but I saw a clip of a little boy who approached Michelle Bachman and said "My mommy's gay but she doesn't need fixing!" And its kind of a funny thought to me...
To me, in a way, if we were supposed to be changed there would be an obvious course of action to be placed on us. If changing our orientation was a requirement, there'd be some direction as to a course of treatment... Psychologists have used shock therapies, hypnosis, etc. to work on changing attractions. I went to a cognitive therapist who helped me realize I COULD be married and have sexual activity with a woman, if I wanted to.
However, to me, there isn't a clear direction. Science has multiple studies with various opposing results. Psychologists have the same. Church leaders say whatever they think which is a mix of the above, and I don't believe always divinely inspired.
Which leads me to this: Its all a state of confusion. Honestly. No one knows what causes homosexual attractions definitively. From what I can see, something inborn might be the cause... might not be genetics. Might not be neural. Might just be some quirk. Or maybe it is a learned behavior---we're called gay growing up by our peers and the bullies, so we accept it. I dunno.
To me, it doesn't matter what causes it. The whole point is we need to choose HOW WE WILL DEAL WITH IT. And that is a very personal desire. We can listen to church leaders, we can listen to community leaders, we can listen to friends, family, the internet, read books about it, etc. but it all comes down to one thing:
How do YOU want to handle it?
I support everyone in their decision, whether they want to stick to the church route or to the non-church route. Either way can bring happiness. However, the one thing I say, and I repeat it... if you CHOOSE YOUR ROUTE... because it is the choice you make which you believe will give you the joy and peace of your attractions... if you make THAT CHOICE for yourself with no influence from trying to please family or church leaders but fully on your own, then you have to stop belly-aching and deal with it. It was your choice. So if you decide to leave the church, don't just sit around complaining about the church---go and live your life. If you decide to stay in the church, don't cry that you aren't sexually active. It was YOUR CHOICE which put you there. You have a myriad of choices. So choose and deal with the consequences.
To me, in a way, if we were supposed to be changed there would be an obvious course of action to be placed on us. If changing our orientation was a requirement, there'd be some direction as to a course of treatment... Psychologists have used shock therapies, hypnosis, etc. to work on changing attractions. I went to a cognitive therapist who helped me realize I COULD be married and have sexual activity with a woman, if I wanted to.
However, to me, there isn't a clear direction. Science has multiple studies with various opposing results. Psychologists have the same. Church leaders say whatever they think which is a mix of the above, and I don't believe always divinely inspired.
Which leads me to this: Its all a state of confusion. Honestly. No one knows what causes homosexual attractions definitively. From what I can see, something inborn might be the cause... might not be genetics. Might not be neural. Might just be some quirk. Or maybe it is a learned behavior---we're called gay growing up by our peers and the bullies, so we accept it. I dunno.
To me, it doesn't matter what causes it. The whole point is we need to choose HOW WE WILL DEAL WITH IT. And that is a very personal desire. We can listen to church leaders, we can listen to community leaders, we can listen to friends, family, the internet, read books about it, etc. but it all comes down to one thing:
How do YOU want to handle it?
I support everyone in their decision, whether they want to stick to the church route or to the non-church route. Either way can bring happiness. However, the one thing I say, and I repeat it... if you CHOOSE YOUR ROUTE... because it is the choice you make which you believe will give you the joy and peace of your attractions... if you make THAT CHOICE for yourself with no influence from trying to please family or church leaders but fully on your own, then you have to stop belly-aching and deal with it. It was your choice. So if you decide to leave the church, don't just sit around complaining about the church---go and live your life. If you decide to stay in the church, don't cry that you aren't sexually active. It was YOUR CHOICE which put you there. You have a myriad of choices. So choose and deal with the consequences.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Hurt
Adoption will not be straight forward in Utah. Got an email from an agency who told me about how there was a law against homosexuals adopting in Utah. Only way for me to do it is to claim to be heterosexual and convince all the social workers who will dig into my past.
Sometimes I think the surrogacy route would be easiest. My fund raising would still go towards the same end benefit: having a child. However, it saddens me that Utah wouldn't allow me as a tax-paying citizen to adopt easily and honestly.
I'll be okay. I'll figure something out.
Sometimes I think the surrogacy route would be easiest. My fund raising would still go towards the same end benefit: having a child. However, it saddens me that Utah wouldn't allow me as a tax-paying citizen to adopt easily and honestly.
I'll be okay. I'll figure something out.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Why? ... and goal confusion
I think that religion is a very good thing overall. Is it perfect? No. Are people of any religion always 100% accepting and loving? No.
However, religion nor the lack thereof isn't proof of one's spirituality or godlessness. Some people are religious and moral but do not go to church at all. There are plenty of bad people who hide behind a shroud of religion to cover up their errors and issues. Neither are the correct route in my opinion.
I'm a supporter of people living in a way which is beneficial to themselves and others around them. Regardless of their religious beliefs. A lot of homosexuals are turned off by religious groups entirely and become atheist. Maybe that is partially with how homosexuals have been treated by the vast majority of religious groups or individuals? That would be my guess.
I think that part of the problem with why these two groups don't live in harmony with each other is a misinterpretation of each others' goals.
Misbelief: All Christians are haters.
More Accurate Belief: Not all Christians are haters. Nor do all Christians think of themselves as anti-homosexual. Some groups are taking longer than others to get onto the bandwagon of acceptance and love. A homosexual labeling a Christian (whether LDS or not) as being a hateful bigot is as bad as a Christian saying that a homosexual is eternally damned or that they're living a Godless life. Neither are promoting the acceptance or discussion with each other about beliefs to create a better understanding. In fact, if someone said to me "You're a Mormon... therefore I don't want to talk to you" despite not knowing me personally, it would be very offensive. Much like if someone saw me, and said "I can tell you're gay, therefore you're gross!" In neither group is there any better understanding. Labeling an individual after the judgment of an entire group is unethical and wrong.
Misbelief: All Homosexuals are trying to change society for the worse by pushing their beliefs and wanting society to accept them.
More Accurate Belief: OF COURSE Homosexuals want to change society---but whether its for the worse or the betterment of the community is up to interpretation. Homosexuals have been treated badly for years and years... SIMILAR TO HOW CHRISTIANS HAVE BEEN TREATED! Shouldn't we be more sympathetic to each other's causes if we've had similar histories? Until recently, Homosexuals were jailed and in some countries put to death. Christians have had similar histories. Mormons were legally allowed to be killed in Missouri after the government allowed their extermination. Hitler specifically targeted homosexuals and killed thousands of them in the holocaust---even people simply associating with homosexuals. In England, it was considered against the law. Even in someone's personal private home, it was against the law and punishable by prison sentences. SO why wouldn't a group want to fight for more acceptance? Is it that bad to want to be treated like a human being? Sure---some homosexual groups write children's books about children having two daddies or two mommies. So they're "indoctrinating" a younger generation. This is a common fear of Christian populations. However, just like a Sesame Street Character in Africa who is HIV Positive, it is a tool being used to stop hatred and promote understanding. NOT to turn kids gay or push them to get AIDS through unprotected sexual encounters.
I think that if the gay and Christian communities sat down and didn't have a heated debate, there might be some more cultural ground for similarities than we're currently allowing. Maybe we'd find a way to be friends instead of bitter enemies.
And for people like me who are actively LDS and find themselves with homosexual tendencies, we would have a better place in a society where both groups can embrace each other.
However, religion nor the lack thereof isn't proof of one's spirituality or godlessness. Some people are religious and moral but do not go to church at all. There are plenty of bad people who hide behind a shroud of religion to cover up their errors and issues. Neither are the correct route in my opinion.
I'm a supporter of people living in a way which is beneficial to themselves and others around them. Regardless of their religious beliefs. A lot of homosexuals are turned off by religious groups entirely and become atheist. Maybe that is partially with how homosexuals have been treated by the vast majority of religious groups or individuals? That would be my guess.
I think that part of the problem with why these two groups don't live in harmony with each other is a misinterpretation of each others' goals.
Misbelief: All Christians are haters.
More Accurate Belief: Not all Christians are haters. Nor do all Christians think of themselves as anti-homosexual. Some groups are taking longer than others to get onto the bandwagon of acceptance and love. A homosexual labeling a Christian (whether LDS or not) as being a hateful bigot is as bad as a Christian saying that a homosexual is eternally damned or that they're living a Godless life. Neither are promoting the acceptance or discussion with each other about beliefs to create a better understanding. In fact, if someone said to me "You're a Mormon... therefore I don't want to talk to you" despite not knowing me personally, it would be very offensive. Much like if someone saw me, and said "I can tell you're gay, therefore you're gross!" In neither group is there any better understanding. Labeling an individual after the judgment of an entire group is unethical and wrong.
Misbelief: All Homosexuals are trying to change society for the worse by pushing their beliefs and wanting society to accept them.
More Accurate Belief: OF COURSE Homosexuals want to change society---but whether its for the worse or the betterment of the community is up to interpretation. Homosexuals have been treated badly for years and years... SIMILAR TO HOW CHRISTIANS HAVE BEEN TREATED! Shouldn't we be more sympathetic to each other's causes if we've had similar histories? Until recently, Homosexuals were jailed and in some countries put to death. Christians have had similar histories. Mormons were legally allowed to be killed in Missouri after the government allowed their extermination. Hitler specifically targeted homosexuals and killed thousands of them in the holocaust---even people simply associating with homosexuals. In England, it was considered against the law. Even in someone's personal private home, it was against the law and punishable by prison sentences. SO why wouldn't a group want to fight for more acceptance? Is it that bad to want to be treated like a human being? Sure---some homosexual groups write children's books about children having two daddies or two mommies. So they're "indoctrinating" a younger generation. This is a common fear of Christian populations. However, just like a Sesame Street Character in Africa who is HIV Positive, it is a tool being used to stop hatred and promote understanding. NOT to turn kids gay or push them to get AIDS through unprotected sexual encounters.
I think that if the gay and Christian communities sat down and didn't have a heated debate, there might be some more cultural ground for similarities than we're currently allowing. Maybe we'd find a way to be friends instead of bitter enemies.
And for people like me who are actively LDS and find themselves with homosexual tendencies, we would have a better place in a society where both groups can embrace each other.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Why?
My last post got a comment about why I would still want to be a part of the LDS church organization. My answer is simple enough: Its because I have faith that its true.
I realize that explanation is silly and makes me sound naive. I say this with full knowledge that some will consider me completely out of my mind. I've documented my blog for the last few years, with only occasional posts until more recently when I've gotten back into writing my blog.
If you read from the beginning, you can see a change in my perspective. I've become less strict, less depressed, more open and realistic. Am I going to be the "new gay"---? I'm not sure if the next generation of gay men will think more like I do. As I see more and more of my friends leave the church, its a little disheartening... If I didn't have a testimony anymore, I wouldn't be here writing. I'd be off living my life. And I AM living my life. And most of the time, I'm happy with my life---I'm happy with my decision to stay in the church.
Some people talk about all the unpleasantness from living in Utah and a heavily LDS environment---and I see what they're saying. However, I don't have as many negative experiences. I'm usually just doing my own thing. If I am surrounded by negative people, I get out of that group---or, I confront them and bash 'em. Whichever is easiest. :)
The gospel bothers me far less than LDS culture. However, most of the LDS culture I'm completely separated from. I go to work, come home, do my life here, etc. I'm rarely if ever surrounded by LDS people. My roommates are both inactive. Most of my friends are LDS but I don't see my friends too often. (I'm wildly unpopular and unlikeable. haha. Actually, I'm a workaholic.)
So most of the time, its just me living my quiet life. Even if I was out of the church, I'd probably continue living my little quiet life. There'd be little difference since I don't hold a lot of animosity towards the church. Nor do I hold much of any inner conflict or turmoil.
I've made my decision to remain LDS because of my faith. I'm strong enough not to give up, humble enough to accept my fate, and wise enough not to take crap from anyone.
Did I just say crap in my version of a gay Mormon blogger testimony?
I realize that explanation is silly and makes me sound naive. I say this with full knowledge that some will consider me completely out of my mind. I've documented my blog for the last few years, with only occasional posts until more recently when I've gotten back into writing my blog.
If you read from the beginning, you can see a change in my perspective. I've become less strict, less depressed, more open and realistic. Am I going to be the "new gay"---? I'm not sure if the next generation of gay men will think more like I do. As I see more and more of my friends leave the church, its a little disheartening... If I didn't have a testimony anymore, I wouldn't be here writing. I'd be off living my life. And I AM living my life. And most of the time, I'm happy with my life---I'm happy with my decision to stay in the church.
Some people talk about all the unpleasantness from living in Utah and a heavily LDS environment---and I see what they're saying. However, I don't have as many negative experiences. I'm usually just doing my own thing. If I am surrounded by negative people, I get out of that group---or, I confront them and bash 'em. Whichever is easiest. :)
The gospel bothers me far less than LDS culture. However, most of the LDS culture I'm completely separated from. I go to work, come home, do my life here, etc. I'm rarely if ever surrounded by LDS people. My roommates are both inactive. Most of my friends are LDS but I don't see my friends too often. (I'm wildly unpopular and unlikeable. haha. Actually, I'm a workaholic.)
So most of the time, its just me living my quiet life. Even if I was out of the church, I'd probably continue living my little quiet life. There'd be little difference since I don't hold a lot of animosity towards the church. Nor do I hold much of any inner conflict or turmoil.
I've made my decision to remain LDS because of my faith. I'm strong enough not to give up, humble enough to accept my fate, and wise enough not to take crap from anyone.
Did I just say crap in my version of a gay Mormon blogger testimony?
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Broken Vases and Change Therapies
I was speaking with a new-but-true friend Mitch Mayne tonight. He's kind of become established for his controversial (to some) but awesome calling in his ward. (His blog is: http://www.mitchmayne.blogspot.com/ )
The following is an expansion on an email I wrote to him, where in our usual banter were discussing some of the change therapy issues within our gay-moho-ssa Mormon community.
Before I say this, I will say that I love the organizations which are working with members of our community in healthy ways. I am indebted to groups like Evergreen and David Pruden for first teaching me that I can remain in the church with my attractions. I don't go to the Conferences anymore because I feel like I don't continue to gain anything. They helped me in a time when I needed it, and I support them in their purposes.
I think some people think there's something 'wrong with us.' Like, we're something which needs correction because there is something obviously and fundamentally different with us which needs fixing.
I don't think that I liked very much spending years of my life thinking there was something wrong witg me... I used to describe myself as a broken vase. Just have to hide the crack against the wall---no one will notice it. Fill the broken vase with pretty silk flowers, no one will notice the chips.
After years of soul searching, learning, talking with friends, I realize I am not broken. I realize that I have so much to offer the world--I am a good listener. Post-it Boy likes offering advice to friends who need a listening ear. My cooking skills are rather good and I love to bring cookies, cupcakes, muffins, and such with me to share with my coworkers. Some say my cubicle is a mini-bakery. I am a good friend. A dang good brother. And I'm going to be one HECK of a father someday to some lucky children. (And I will be, in turn, very lucky for those children who will be gifted to me.) I am not a broken vase---just a vase. Beautiful and simple in itself. No corrections necessary. I don't need to have my crack against the wall.
That last line sounded better in my head than in actual text.
Maybe instead of fixing our sexuality, we need to fix those areas which aren't working: Are you depressed? Lonely? Angry? Suicidal? THOSE things need correction. Our sexual attractions make us partially who we are in addition to a myriad of other wonderful, beautiful things.
I think a lot of gay men in the church do think they're broken vases which need correcting. Its not fun thinking there's something which has to be fixed or changed. But maybe the non-gay world wants to find a way for us to be fixed and changed so we're "normal"... Then, no more cracked vases. Easy as pie.
The following is an expansion on an email I wrote to him, where in our usual banter were discussing some of the change therapy issues within our gay-moho-ssa Mormon community.
Before I say this, I will say that I love the organizations which are working with members of our community in healthy ways. I am indebted to groups like Evergreen and David Pruden for first teaching me that I can remain in the church with my attractions. I don't go to the Conferences anymore because I feel like I don't continue to gain anything. They helped me in a time when I needed it, and I support them in their purposes.
I think some people think there's something 'wrong with us.' Like, we're something which needs correction because there is something obviously and fundamentally different with us which needs fixing.
I don't think that I liked very much spending years of my life thinking there was something wrong witg me... I used to describe myself as a broken vase. Just have to hide the crack against the wall---no one will notice it. Fill the broken vase with pretty silk flowers, no one will notice the chips.
After years of soul searching, learning, talking with friends, I realize I am not broken. I realize that I have so much to offer the world--I am a good listener. Post-it Boy likes offering advice to friends who need a listening ear. My cooking skills are rather good and I love to bring cookies, cupcakes, muffins, and such with me to share with my coworkers. Some say my cubicle is a mini-bakery. I am a good friend. A dang good brother. And I'm going to be one HECK of a father someday to some lucky children. (And I will be, in turn, very lucky for those children who will be gifted to me.) I am not a broken vase---just a vase. Beautiful and simple in itself. No corrections necessary. I don't need to have my crack against the wall.
That last line sounded better in my head than in actual text.
Maybe instead of fixing our sexuality, we need to fix those areas which aren't working: Are you depressed? Lonely? Angry? Suicidal? THOSE things need correction. Our sexual attractions make us partially who we are in addition to a myriad of other wonderful, beautiful things.
I think a lot of gay men in the church do think they're broken vases which need correcting. Its not fun thinking there's something which has to be fixed or changed. But maybe the non-gay world wants to find a way for us to be fixed and changed so we're "normal"... Then, no more cracked vases. Easy as pie.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Is it really that bad?
Sometimes I hear people complaining about their sexuality... an attitude which seems to have really perpetuated in the LDS Moho community.
Person a: "Oh, life is such a challenge... here are all of my challenges"
Person b: "Well, you think that is bad... My father did this... and I never had fun as a child.
Person a: "Oh, thats horrible! But it is not as bad as me..."
And the conversation continues. People don't know how to appreciate their attractions.
Here's my challenge to you:
Write down the top 10 things you want to do in life. They could be silly things like learning how to cook thai food. Or important things like... buy a house, build a cabin, etc.
The thing which is necessary is that they have to be REAL things. Don't write "Be a good person" since that is so subjective. Write things you want to be able to accomplish. And the things you want to do in life HAVE TO BE THINGS YOUR HEART TRULY WANTS!
I know cooking thai food might sound silly, but if it is something which interests you... write it down! If traveling to Kazakhistan has been a dream of yours since you were little, write it down! Seriously. I want everyone to write down ten things.
And guess what? Probably none of them will be impossible due to your attractions. Even if you wrote "Get married and have a bunch of kids!" Not impossible. You'd just have to find the right woman. And most women would love a good gay husband. Seriously. Most of my female friends say "I wish my gay friends were straight enough to have sex with me because they're the best companions..."
So if the top ten things you want to do in life which are your most heartfelt, most desired things to accomplish are ALL possible: WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING? Sure, crap happens all the time---sure, you're lonely sometimes... but everyone is! So get up off your lazy butt and stop complaining. Find something to be happy about.
Person a: "Oh, life is such a challenge... here are all of my challenges"
Person b: "Well, you think that is bad... My father did this... and I never had fun as a child.
Person a: "Oh, thats horrible! But it is not as bad as me..."
And the conversation continues. People don't know how to appreciate their attractions.
Here's my challenge to you:
Write down the top 10 things you want to do in life. They could be silly things like learning how to cook thai food. Or important things like... buy a house, build a cabin, etc.
The thing which is necessary is that they have to be REAL things. Don't write "Be a good person" since that is so subjective. Write things you want to be able to accomplish. And the things you want to do in life HAVE TO BE THINGS YOUR HEART TRULY WANTS!
I know cooking thai food might sound silly, but if it is something which interests you... write it down! If traveling to Kazakhistan has been a dream of yours since you were little, write it down! Seriously. I want everyone to write down ten things.
And guess what? Probably none of them will be impossible due to your attractions. Even if you wrote "Get married and have a bunch of kids!" Not impossible. You'd just have to find the right woman. And most women would love a good gay husband. Seriously. Most of my female friends say "I wish my gay friends were straight enough to have sex with me because they're the best companions..."
So if the top ten things you want to do in life which are your most heartfelt, most desired things to accomplish are ALL possible: WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING? Sure, crap happens all the time---sure, you're lonely sometimes... but everyone is! So get up off your lazy butt and stop complaining. Find something to be happy about.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)