Dreaming with my eyes wide open

I hope no one who reads my posts really believes I am a Debbie Downer. Sometimes I get very discouraged. I am a dreamer---someone who loves to look to the future...

Sometimes I get discouraged into thinking my dreams won't come true.

I am waiting to hear some news, which... if positive... could help my dreams to happen.

To close, I am posting the lyrics to my new favorite cute-song of the day. It is the new song for the musical Les Miserables called Suddenly. It makes me think of myself in a year or two going to the Congo to pick up my future son... going from being childless to having a son in the space of a short time. It is sung by Jean Valjean when he goes to get the little girl Cosette, who has been abused and mistreated. He then adopts her and realizes what love is.



Suddenly I see
Suddenly it starts
When two anxious hearts
Beat as one.
Yesterday I was alone
Today you walk beside me
Something still unclear
Something not yet here
Has begun.
Suddenly the world
Seems a different place
Somehow full of grace
And delight.
How was I to know
That so much love
Was held inside me?
Something fresh and young
Something still unsung
Fills the night.
How was I to know at last
That happiness can come so fast? 
Trusting me the way you do
I’m so afraid of failing you
Just a child who cannot know
That danger follows where I go
There are shadows everywhere
And memories I cannot share
Nevermore alone
Nevermore apart
You have warmed my heart
Like the sun.
You have brought the gift of life
And love so long denied me.
Suddenly I see
What I could not see
Something suddenly
Has begun.

                -Suddenly from Les Miserables

Changes

I think that the next month or two will be bringing a lot of changes in my life. I am seeing changes already when it comes to my employment---

I am now inundated with work and projects which I will be working on completing as quickly as I can... but its a lot to keep track of.

Its a good thing though.

I just want to have a good life... the goals I am working towards are not so crazy or extreme that they are not possible. I just feel like I need a boost to reach some of those lower-hanging goals.

Interview Part 2

Turns out the job will maybe pay more than I thought. I don't know for sure. I will not worry until I get the job offer, if I do.

I suppose I'm just tired of being poor. So I am very crabby when it comes to money right now.

I need a hug.

Interview

I have an interview for a job which will probably pay me half of what I was making as a temp.

Pros? Benefits. And a steady paycheck. Even if the paycheck isn't very good.

Cons? I will have to work another 15-20 hours a week just to have enough to have a real life. Which will defeat the purpose of working for a life since I won't have a life.

I don't have a life besides work. And I work in order to have a life. Which I won't have because I have to work all the time. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't.

Oddly enough, this job interview makes me want to stop going to church anymore since I am feeling really bitter about where my life has ended up.

Whatever.

I think my life has turned into a bit of a joke, honestly.

Whatever.

And I've given up hope on having a good career working in my current profession. It'll probably always be as disappointing as my life has been. I've worked myself to the bone to remove most of my debts, lost my car in the process, and have no career options but to get something which doesn't pay as well... then work that until I can maybe work myself up career-wise? Seems like starting over.

Whatever.

As I said, life is a big disappointment but we're supposed to like hold to the rod and hope that things are better in the next life, I guess? When I magically become straight and will want to get married? I dunno. Seems like a bunch of shit.

Whatever.

Rebalancing

My job has changed considerably. I don't have completely steady employment right now but I am doing my best to stay afloat. I have more or less decided to keep with the church even if I might not be the strictest of members. During the last few months, I considered leaving the church---but that was partially because there were hopes of a different kind of future for me... one where I didn't feel like I was alone and fighting people over the church anymore. Its not panned out as I had planned. Or Hoped.

So instead, I'm decided to stick around.

I don't know what the future will hold for me.

I have bought four books on adoption. One is about toddler adoption. I'm excited to continue reading these books. They are good motivations for me.

Haven't seen the last of me...

A very dear friend of mine surprised me with an Ipod as a gift. He knew I wanted one for some language lessons I'm doing.

I am truly amazed by the kindness of people in my life, especially when I don't feel I deserve the kindness.

He is a truly amazing friend. I thought so before the Ipod nano surprise, of course. I don't deserve such good friends.

As far as the gospel goes... I feel alright about things for now. I'll quote Cher, since thats what every gay man does with the gospel right? :)

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

I guess...

I guess how I am feeling right now is a wish to be loved.

I have friends who I have occasionally cuddled with---that has helped me feel connected to people. I really miss that closeness with my friends.

I don't want just any close contact with someone---I don't want to hug a random stranger. I want there to be a connection.

I miss that connection with other men.

I feel lonely.

I guess that is how I am feeling right now.