No. 1 or No. 2?

I have an intense desire in me to be loved and to love in return. Love without reason or purpose other than to experience that love. Sometimes I hate my life thinking love, true love, isn't possible. At times in my past I tried to tell myself that being loved wasn't important. Other areas in my life were more important. Sometimes I get very cynical about love... not because I don't desire it, but its because I don't know if it will ever work out for me.

I've been in a sort-of relationship for a few years. It is celibate on my end. We started out as close friends who both loved the gospel but he has turned to hating it. What is worse is that I have come to resent being around him. Why? Because despite my being a good companion to him, I've never been his No. 1. I probably never will be.

I live with both him and another roommate. Over the last few years I've begun to feel like I'm drowning. I'm unhappy, I feel used and neglected, and generally unloved. I don't like being home all the time. In fact, I usually prefer being with someone else at home or at someone else's house entirely.

I don't feel like I'm anyone's No. 1. The person someone would choose over anyone else to be with. I'm beginning to wonder if that would ever happen. I tend to be very emotionally driven to be devoted to someone to almost ridiculous levels. Even if I am treated with unkindness, for some reason I stick around. Why? Because I'm a devoted person. I keep hoping that devotion will turn into me being someone's No. 1 who they'd choose over all others.

I think I'm destined to always be a No. 2 or 3. Someone who is just someone to fall back on when someone more enjoyable is around.

Is it wrong to want to be loved like that?

I realize I am sort of a mess at times. I have obsessive compulsive issues. I have only just recently begun to get my weight under control again. I'm not young. I'm not particularly gorgeous like the models on TV but I think I'm nice looking. I don't have a perfect body. I don't have a perfect personality. I can be moody and irritable. But I think I'm overall pretty kind. I love the gospel's principles even if they're sometimes hard to live by. I wish I had someone who thought about the gospel in positive ways, at least with the principles. I wish I had someone who'd go to church with me at least sometimes.

What I really wish is that I'd be someone's No. 1.

I'll never be anyone's knight in armor with a sword in hand. I'll never be a prince or a saint. I'll just keep waiting until someone, someday, realizes that the guy who has always been there for them is the best one they've had around.

Tarot Reading and NorthStar

Sometimes ... we all need a break.

I left NorthStar's Facebook Group. For lots of reasons. One big one being that I don't fit in there.

Right now I'm struggling with who I am. I don't know what I want.

I saw a Tarot Card reader today just for fun. He reads auras and energies. He said I need to let go of what others think of me in order for me to really become who I am. He said that with the adoption, I will be giving people in my life a gift to be able to transcend themselves to become more consistent with God-like ideas by accepting me and my child.

He said I should let my feminine energies out---allowing me to trust my intuition and use my creative sides.

I liked what he had to say. I'd never have gone but a friend of mine invited me. And I'd do anything with him if he asked.

I really don't...

... think my life will ever be better.

I might stop my blog for a little while. I don't know. I'm really not happy.

Back to work. All I can do---work.

I'm sure...

... I've posted these lyrics before. I'm positive of it.

Tonight this is what I'm feeling. I cannot put it into words better than how I feel right now.

Somebody by Depeche Mode

I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts, know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side and give me support
And in return he'll get my support

He will listen to me when I want to speak
About the world we live in and life in general

Though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted
He'll hear me out, and won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking in fact he'll often disagree
But at the end of it all he will understand me

I want somebody who cares for me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things in a different light
All the things I detest I will almost like

I don't want to be tied to anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me, and kiss me tenderly

Do you think God... ?

... would forgive someone who said it was all too much? The loneliness and heartache from being in the gospel and being gay, feeling like I don't belong... feeling like I'm unappreciated and constantly hurt...

I wonder if God is all-knowing, why would he give homosexuality to his children when there's almost a surety that they will "fail." I don't think my life is a failure although some would see it as such if I stopped following the commandments. I know the gospel would always be a part of my life---I see myself still at least going to church sometimes, even if I wouldn't follow all the rules strictly.

I wonder what would happen if there was revelation on this issue. Instead of us just being left to fend for ourselves.

"Why has no one ever loved me?"

I'm sentimental when I'm sad.

There's this quote from As Good as it Gets which I've altered to fit me, as I'm not a waitress. Just edited out words here and there...

"...I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest man on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you and never get that they just met the greatest man alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me... "

This was said by Melvin Udall, a man who is not only obsessive compulsive, but also a real jerk. He fell in love with this waitress and changed both of their lives in the process.

I kind of wish someone would say something like that to me and mean it.

I know that from the gospel perspective I shouldn't worry about those things, since I'll have a wife in the eternities and everything will be fine and dandy... covered in peaches and cream. But its just not enough.

When I think about all the things which I'd have to give up to have someone say and think the above about me, it is scary. But I am also scared of my future in general. I just want to have a good life full of happiness. Right now, I can only remember a few recent times where I was truly happy in that moment.

I know I'm poetic and sentimental. But I believe that there is true happiness in life which can be found with a loving relationship regardless of gender. I just don't know if I'll ever have that in life.

Underappreciated

Sometimes I feel under-appreciated. With all the work that I do, and all the things I feel like I've sacrificed, I feel like I don't get the attention or affection I deserve.

We're on this earth just for one lifetime. That lifetime should be full of love.

And the gospel doesn't really bring me a lot of comfort anymore.