Grabbing a bull's balls...

... Anyone remember that reference from Never Been Kissed? "I can grab a bull's balls!" Josie Grossie, we love you!
Anyway, going back to what I was originally intending to post...

I've decided to take charge of my Loans really powerfully. I am making a $2000 payment this month. Which is huge. But it will be worth it in the long run. I have a few more minor paychecks coming in, and when those do come, I will make payments on all my debts. Just to get rid of them.

It feels so good. You have no idea.

I'm tired of having my loans dictate my life. I don't want anything or anyone to control my life except for me. Until those are paid off, I'm a slave to them.

Screw you UHEAA! Right now I pay a couple dollars a DAY with interest. Screw them! I'm taking back my life and my plans for being a dad.

Ridiculous

I hate being jealous over friends who have a more exciting life than I do. I am alone on another Friday night with no one to talk to. I suppose I should be happy my friends are having fun. But I feel like a loser with nowhere to go and no one to talk to.

You'd think I'd be used to this by now.

I declare...

... that I shall do my best to not let what others say about me or think about me influence my own self-worth.

... that if someone isn't supportive of my adoption plans, that they will be the ones losing out on what should be, and is, a very sacred and special relationship and situation.

... that if I am all alone with no one to talk to, that it will be okay. Since I have myself and I am the most dedicated person to my own life.

... that I will continue on my path in life, as strange and confusing as it is, knowing that it will ultimately bring me some sort of happiness. Even if I feel alone when I'm surrounded by people.

When I think...

... of all the pain I've suffered at the hands of church members and Utah culture through insensitivity, I wonder why I still have anything to do with either?

Utah has adoption laws in place to prevent children from finding parents. This is directly in connection with legislators who believe that single people and gay people are incapable of raising children and being productive members of society. Very few states have anti-gay adoption laws, but there are some. Utah is known for crazy adoption laws and essentially stealing babies to put into homes through LDS Family Services. Yep, its true. Google it.

But then when there's someone like me who would be happy to adopt a child who is now home-less and family-less, who doesn't care about their age, and actually would love to work with kids in foster care. And then because I get excited when a tall, dark and lean man walks by, I'm an unfit parent? Its based solely on stupidity. And bigotry. And basically, a lot of people who don't know what they're talking about.

While dozens of children sit waiting for homes they'll likely never get in Utah.

A lot of people say insensitive things about gay people---thinking that we're not capable at child-rearing. Or that we're sexually promiscuous. Or that we're bad influences on children or others around us.

Its ridiculous. WHEN will Utah grow up and realize that kids need homes? I wouldn't be looking to spend 30K if I thought that I'd have a snowball's chance to adopt here in Utah through Foster Care. Ridiculous.

Am I the only one?

... who ever has doubts? I sometimes think I'm one large doubtful person. I doubt my future, I doubt everything.

Right now I'm just wondering when, if ever, my life will improve. I put these large dreams out there hoping to reach them but feel like its almost hopeless at times.

Maybe some of my dreams will come true.

Quiet...

I am an opinionated person, but sometimes I remain quiet about my feelings. So I can relate to this song. I am sometimes too nice and allow myself to be trampled on. I guess that's why even at age 30, I still haven't figured out my own role and importance in loving relationships.

This is an amazing song's lyrics. Search for it on Youtube. The best version is a singer named Tituss Burgess who gives me chills every time he opens his mouth.

Quiet by Jonathan Reid Gealt

What's the perfect balance
Between yelling too much
Or not yelling enough
So that people don't walk over you?
Is it a crime to just want to be nice?
To avoid confrontation
And show everyone a little respect?

Time after time
I find that I'm struggling
To tell you
What's burning inside
A glimmer of hope
That you'll finally see..
Yet I remain quiet.

Look at my face
Don't you dare turn away
'Cause I'm losing my patience
Show me now you're the man
that I want to be with
for the rest of my life
I have so much love to give you
Just open up your eyes
And you'll see

Time after time
I find that I'm struggling
To tell you
What's burning inside
A glimmer of hope
That you'll finally see...
Yet I remain quiet

I can't remain quiet anymore
No I was not built
To idly stand here
Letting you make my decisions
Based upon your point of view
You never allowed me
My own freedom
Well hear me now!

Show me now you're the man
that I want to be with
for the rest of my life
I have so much love to give you
Just open up your eyes
And you'll see

Time after time
I find that I'm struggling
To tell you
What's burning inside
A glimmer of hope
That's you finally see...
Still I remain...
Yes I...
I...
Can't remain quiet
Quiet.

I respond so well to showtune-type songs. They express what I'm feeling more than I can put into words myself. I know, I'm such a Pixie. But you love it. :)

Something's Coming...

I've decided to start a small fundraising project for my adoption plans. Probably won't raise millions but I am testing the waters to see how much this project might work for me. We'll see. Its a fun one. I talked with a professional fundraiser (yes they evidently exist!) who thinks I should concentrate on raising funds for the adoption---and then some more minor funds to raise at a later date for the benefit of the orphanage. I kind of like this idea actually. Since I tend to bring too much on myself. And raising an extra 10k would be difficult.

I have a friend who I've been corresponding with lately. We talk basically everyday actually. I don't know if it is myself projecting to my future parenthood status or whether it is him in particular, but I am very protective over him in a strange way. I don't usually feel that way except for family members. So this is a very unusual situation for me. Its a nice feeling though. I could use with more thinking about others.

Sometimes...

I wish I knew what I could say to make the other person know what I'm feeling, thinking, or my intentions without somehow screwing it up in the process.

Baby clothes...?

So I've now become obsessed with thinking about baby clothes. Why? Because that is what all aspiring fathers obsess over. Along with styles of decorating a child's bedroom, of course. :)

I am reading a book which has asked me to start an adoption journal. It has questions which I will respond to. I have been thinking about doing this anyway, and now that I have a book telling me to do so, I really want to get started. I've been using this blog as an adoption journal in a way, but I'd like to get more personal. My blog tends to be more anonymous-ish. My journey's journal would be something I could have my future children read.

American Apparel has really cute hipster baby clothes. Kind of obsessing over them since they're so adorable.

Fundraising projects are still being planned out which is a good thing. I'm excited to get those thoughts and ideas into actuality. Sooner I can save the money, the sooner I can be on with a better life.

Park Bench Plaques and Moving Forward with Honor

I want my life to mean something at the end of it all... when I'm 80 years old, I want to look back and see all the good that I have done. I'd like to think that my life isn't going to just be a waste of talent. If I spend the rest of my life working at my current job, would I be able to say I truly did good? Or am I not really doing good?

I want to affect peoples' lives for the better. I'd love to think that in 50 years, some of the children whose lives I will hopefully affect by providing supplies during my adoption will be alive with children and grandchildren of their own... maybe having had learned a trade to better themselves. . .

I hope that people in the Moho community will know that life is possible. That they could learn from me and my blog that you can be happy. That all their dreams can come true if they work towards them.

I don't want my life to be a waste.

I wonder if my life really affects people on a positive way? Do people who know me feel like I am helping them or making a difference to their lives---or am I merely taking up space?

I'd like to have a small plague left on a park bench dedicated to my life saying that I made a difference. That I, Post-it Boy, helped people. So when I die, the world will not be a darker place for me having left it... but a brighter place because I was here.