Thursday, March 22, 2012

You're not alone

When I woke up this morning to discover several posting the obituary or news article about a local Utah Moho who committed suicide, I was a little hurt and shocked. It is getting press not just in Utah. Social media will spread it around the globe.

So I decided to put my own spin on it today. I commented on an acquaintance's posting saying that I understood what he was going through. I have thought about suicide due to my depression issues. Once in my junior year of college, I even began to cut my wrists in an attempt to take my own life.

It was a dark period in my life where I was very lonely and didn't think I'd ever find happiness. I felt unworthy of anyone's love. Completely dirty, filthy, and unloved. I used a sharp pair of scissors and cut at my wrists until I saw blood. When I saw the blood, I freaked out and dropped the scissors and grabbed at my wrist. The bleeding eventually stopped. I covered the cuts up with a huge silver bandage (I happened to have them in my medicine cabinet---imagine that! Always the boy scout despite quitting when I was 13...)

I remember going shopping a few days later and a friend asked about the bandage. I said I fell. I don't know if he believed me.

It was near finals time so I was swamped with school work. But I told a friend what happened. He invited me to his home for a sleepover. He never asked me why I cut my wrists. He just let me sleep next to him in his bed while I cried.

I will not name who he is. However, he's still one of my best friends. And he always will be since he was the only person I wanted to talk to. He was also the only person who understood without being told that I was going through a hard time. He never pushed me for juicy facts or asked me what happened to push me over the edge. I will not discuss that here either.

And thats when things started to improve. I decided I wasn't going to kill myself. I also was going to live.

I went on an Internship to Europe the following summer. I did a bit of traveling. I met someone who helped me to see that, yes, the world does get better. He and I spend a lot of time together now. So I'm not as lonely anymore.

My point for bringing this up---and I will undoubtedly tell more of the story and more of my feelings on this subject... My point for bringing it up though is that I honestly think that we need acknowledgement. We are NOT alone. We are NOT the only ones who struggle. We have been asked to do a remarkable thing in this life: balance homosexuality and the gospel. I believe this is the toughest trial one can be asked to endure in this life. Some decide to go one way, some decide to go another. Some never figure it out.

We cannot feel like we're alone. There are thousands of us out there. Someone out there in the Moho community has felt how you've felt, has cried like you've cried, and has conquered whatever you want to conquer...

So for those who have ever felt a need to commit suicide... Send me a message below. You're not alone. I've been there. Don't become another reason for people to blog. Be a conquerer---fight whatever demons are making you feel inferior. YOU are worth it. Its taken me a long time to realize that I can be happy, gay, and Mormon. Your choice today is to be happy, whatever that means. Don't waste your life being sad and depressed. There's so many sad and depressed people in the world. You don't need to be one of them. Choose today to be happy.

1 comment:

Adam said...

Thank you for sharing that. Such an important message. I can't imagine the pain you felt and it makes me sad to think that there are people in such desperate places right now. Thank you for the reminder that none of us is alone. It's easy to forget that sometimes.

Beginning in 2009, I found myself attending the funerals of two of my friends who had committed suicide within the space of a year. Although I have no reason to believe that either them was gay, my experience with their suicides had a profound effect on me. Both of these people were, at least on the outside, strikingly happy, outgoing and fun-loving people. The kind of people you wanted to be around. The kind of people that you hoped would contaminate you with their chronic happiness when you interacted with them. I was completely oblivious to the internal struggles that each of them was enduring until I was sitting in their funerals. During each of those funerals, I broke down and cried. I cried for the loss of my friends and for their families, but I also cried as I recalled times in my own life when I wondered if I would rather live or die. That wondering began very early for me, before I even knew what life was. At one funeral, a woman from my ward walked the length of the cultural hall to stand behind me and hold me tight while I sobbed. At the other, a young man I had only just met reached around my shoulders and pulled me in. I remained in his embrace for the remainder of the service. I am so grateful for the comfort of my friends in those moments. I decided that of all the decisions I could make, choosing to live was the most important.