Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone with the church.
Sometimes I feel like I don't have anywhere to turn to.
I stopped praying more than once a week a long time ago.
I don't read the scriptures much.
And I'm unhappy and feel desperately, hopelessly, alone.
I think that my first two sentences are a reflection and result of my second two sentences. I don't know why I am so hurt sometimes by the church. Why is it that the church has to make statements which make me feel small and worthless? Why do I interpret them that way?
I just wish I felt something---anything---instead of feeling alone.
I need to try my best to at least say prayers sometimes. And read the scriptures sometimes. And I need to stop being so rebellious at heart with things from LDS culture and the gospel. I will probably never be a fan of LDS cultural things... You'll never see me rocking out to the Osmonds. But maybe, just maybe, there's hope for this rebellious heart.
7 comments:
I've been feeling the same way since I've been starting to be more open about my sexuality.
Part of what made me want to be more open was realizing that while I logically sort of recognized that the Church position of celibacy *could* be reasonable and implemented compassionately, but I couldn't expect to receive the full support it promised (either directly or by implication) if I wasn't admitting to my actual situation and being what I was in the Church.
My goal is to be generally "out," eventually, but so far at church the only thing I've done is keep my bishop very detailed on what I'm feeling, going through, thinking, and planning on doing. It's been incredibly refreshing (it helps that my bishop's awesome). As I'm becoming more comfortable with myself (a natural result, I think, of opening myself up), I find myself more comfortable with identifying what I truly value in the Church and separating out what I don't, and I can only imagine that this will increase as I continue to appropriately open up more.
Maybe you just need to be more "honest" with the Church, institutionally or with those who "represent" it to you. Scripture reading is important, too, I think, and prayer is vital. But in my experience they are only as useful to me as I am being honest with myself and with Heavenly Father and what I understand to be his representatives and implementing them into my life and conception of life; otherwise they lose meaning because they literally stop relating to my life.
This is very rambling, and I'm probably not conveying much, but I hope you can find ways to stay connected with the Gospel. Based on comments you've made in your blog and on North Star, I think I would enjoy talking about this stuff with you in a real-time forum. Message me on Facebook if you'd like to (my username here doesn't really hide my identity, and I'm the only one with my name on N*).
I should say I've been feeling this way for a lot longer than since I decided to be more open, but it's more come to a head recently.
While I sometimes feel like you do I've found ways around it. I'm disfellowshipped so there isn't much I can do at Church in the way of callings, etc. Little things like helping a ward member, cleaning the chapel, snow removal, the Boy Scout bunch always needs someone to make sure they don't hurt each other.
Scripture and Church publication reading has also helped. At times I feel like I am worthless in a Church that advocates worth based upon family attainment. Several articles, scriptures, and prayers have helped me see otherwise.
Also, having someone you can be open and honest with is great. You don't have to always discuss your sexual orientation with them.
Once I started to realize that while my sexual orientation is large part of who I am and it presents some unique challenges to me, yet it isn't all that I am. Many people have the same fears that I do who are straight.
IDK. I hope that helps maybe a bit. If nothing else know that you are not the only person that feels this way.
ak.gay.n.lds@gmail.com
Thank you for the replies, everyone. I appreciate it immensely. See my follow up blog I'm posting for more of my thoughts.
It is a difficult task to be a part of the Church when it focuses so much on families and relationships. The most basic unit of the gospel is the family and we are built for relationships. Yet, many of us can't have that type of relationship.
The options are limited for someone who wants to live the gospel. Even putting everything into the gospel leaves you very lonely. Reading the scriptures and prayer and church attendance will bring you closer to the Savior, but it won't allow you to have all that the gospel has to offer, here.
So the question that so many have asked is "Is it worth it?" Or do we believe that we can have the happiness now, too. I've seen dozens of my friends answer that question in different ways. But, what it comes down to is how each of us will answer it.
Post it, Trev, AK & Mr B,
My heart goes out to you. I am a gay Mormon married man - and it works for ME. Even then, I have been disfellowshipped AK, and can relate to what you expressed. Even though married in a church that focuses on the family and could do better focusing on the single members, I too sometimes feel alone. I have doctrinal questions that cause me to feel shame and make me feel very different from my fellow more believing ward members. Yet I stil hold on, for my family's sake and for my own. Participating in the church helps me focus on spiritual self-improvement, helps me serve others, allows me opportunities to worship, learn, and grow. So I stay. I hope you will too.
Steve
I realize marriage IS a possibility. But its not for me. Answering how to remain in the church while still being true to our covenants is different for many people. Is kissing a member of the same sex wrong? What if you were in a relationship and that is as far as it went? Would that be acceptable to some? What about people who are emotionally but not sexually involved in a member of the same sex? What about people who are content being alone? Or in a relationship with the opposite sex which is sexless? What about those who live with friends in their same situation? ... I think there's a myriad of ways in which people can find contentment and remain in the church. It just so happens for me I'm looking to start a family of my own.
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