Last night I felt incredibly alone. I also was able to finally acknowledge the pride and rebellious nature my heart sometimes leans towards. Honestly, it is not something I really noticed officially... I kind of knew it was there, and maybe I'd half-heartedly take note of... but, it wasn't a full head-on approach to my sometimes negative attitude.
Church isn't easy for me to go to alone. I feel really bad when I'm alone. I don't like feeling that way. I'm not a social butterfly, but I AM a social person. At least sometimes.
So I guess my already at times negative attitude about the church kind of spiraled, making it worse and worse... and my rebellious nature got in the way... so even when people on NorthStar tried offering me advice about ways to become more spiritual, I just basically fought it and said it wasn't worth it. Or that the advice wasn't good enough. In general, the advice I got was to PRAY, read the SCRIPTURES, and basics like that. Why was I being so negative about those things?
Last night when I was lying in bed, the slight breathing of both my roommate and my dog being all that I heard, I kind of said a little prayer... and I started to cry... It wasn't that I was feeling a huge outpouring of love or the Holy Ghost. It was finally an acknowledgment that I wasn't doing what I need to be doing. I wasn't following the church's teachings. I wasn't reading the scriptures, trying my hardest... I was just kind of existing. And being negative, hard-hearted...
I kind of felt like I needed to do something about it---and the thought came to ask a friend if he'd want to do like an FHE with him, his wife and I. I've never done something like that before and thought it was weird and almost didn't ask... When I wrote to him, I was just like... unable to control my emotions. It was so powerful that I finally realized how rebellious I was. How unkind I am at times. How I sometimes play devil's advocate just to push someone's buttons. Or how mean spirited I can be with LDS cultural things... all of these things were taking the spirit from my life. Combined with a rebellious attitude of not wanting to read the scriptures for guidance... well, its pretty bad.
My friend agreed quickly and we had a first FHE activity tonight. The lesson was really good for me---since it talked about the Light of Christ, a topic I've heard talked about before but hadn't thought of it in that way... and I realized something:
I've kind of hardened Christ out of my life.
Its like, unknowingly I've turned my back on Him a little. I've thought I was alone all this time, but I really haven't been. The only reason I've felt alone is because I've put myself there.
After chatting with my friend last night, I had a long prayer and I went to sleep feeling weakened from this sudden epiphany of my rebelliousness... I will not lie and say that there were angels who visited me, an outpouring of the Spirit so strong that it curled my hair, or something along those lines. But maybe a little crack in my hardened soul was placed. Just enough to let a little Light in.
I told my friend, and I tell all of you readers: I will never be a fan of LDS culture. You won't see me buying the Book of Mormon action figures for my future mixed-race Indian and African babies. UNLESS he or she asks for it. You won't see me playing LDS hymns on my car stereo. My future daughter(s) will not be wearing denim jumper dresses. And my son(s) won't have boring ties on Sunday. I won't be playing Passage to Zarahemla... I still hate tons of Utah and LDS cultural things.
BUT, while I won't like those things. That does not mean I will dislike the Gospel. Christ should be a larger part of my life. And I'm going to work on that.