Babies on my mind

I know I am in a financial disaster right now... but I have babies on my mind. Bad. I want to have a family of my own. I don't know what is this rush in my mind---or where the desire is coming from exactly. I watch things like the Adoption Story on TLC and think "This should be me right now!" Its hard knowing at the earliest, I have a little while to go.

Its a good motivation to keep on my game with working---just knowing that each paycheck brings me steps closer to getting out of my financial mess ... and closer to getting a baby, a house, and all that fun stuff.

There's got to be a woman out there willing to be a surrogate for me. There's got to be a baby out there in the future for me. I just know it. I already have so much love for an unborn, not even a twinkle in my eye sort of kid...

I've got baby fever. Bad.

Work

I might be getting a better job sooner than I had thought. Which means I might be able to financially get on track. Will I ever be rich? I doubt it. But at least I can think about my future more.

I think about babies all the time. I don't know why I am this way. Is it a sign that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing? I feel good when I pray about it... so maybe there is something which will happen which will be positive from my having a family of my own.

Big Decision... in the making

I've made a big decision in my life which is going to be both exciting and controversial at the same time... I'm going to become a father.

Wait, are you married Post-it Boy? Nope. Are you GOING to get married? Nope.

Haha. Now I've confused everyone.

I've thought about it a lot the last year and I've decided I'm going to have a surrogate and\or adopt a baby. I've been reading about the pros and cons of outsourcing a surrogacy to India, finding my own surrogate in the states, hiring a friend, etc. (All are legal options.) However, I'm leaning towards India.

Utah adoptions don't allow for single fathers, technically, which I find to be rather bigoted. Men aren't seen as good of care-givers. If I adopted out of state, thats a possibility but then it would cause a problem with the finalization in Utah. Sigh.

Surrogacy is my top option since then the child would contain my DNA. I've always wanted a child of my own who I could teach things to---

I'm not getting married so I would raise the child with the help of friends and family, or I would do it alone and hire a part-time caregiver\nanny while I work during the day. Something like that. I am going to raise my child in the gospel to respect gospel standards and as a true Latter-day Saint. As I am single, I will ask someone in my family to have the baby sealed to him or her---right now, I am thinking I'd probably ask my sister who is married with three children of her own. My eldest sister is a possibility except she's not very active in the church. She has no children of her own though. So maybe she would be okay with the idea---

My family doesn't know. They'll freak out on me at first but I think they'll be okay as time progresses. I haven't decided how or when to tell them either.

This is still a ways off---I'd like to do this in 2 years. By then, I'm hoping to get out of debt and be able to save at least enough for the first part of the surrogacy round. I can pay it off in stages during the pregnancy of the surrogate.

I haven't always been looking forward to my future as an active LDS person... since I find my singles ward to be very lonely. And as I don't date, I don't fit in very well... since half the ward is marriage and dating crazy. I have no friends in my ward---like always---so if I had a child, I'd move to a family ward. Where I'd probably be ostracized a bit for being a single father but I don't plan on explaining my situation to anyone. Let them think I'm divorced or widowed. No one talks to me at church anyway so let the gossip fly!

Anyway... if any of my readers want to talk about this post privately that's fine. I don't want any negativity or people telling me I'm going to hell for having a child alone. I've already had one of my closest friends be kind of negative about it and I don't want to hear it. I cannot be excommunicated for having a surrogate or adopting as a single man. And I've also prayed about it and feel good about my decision.

No child will be more loved than mine. End of discussion.

Sucks

Life sucks right now. I'm completely disappointed in where I am financially, church-wise, etc.

I haven't been super active lately. When I go to church, no one talks to me. Literally, I have been there all day without so much as a Hello. I sit alone. I don't see much point in going.

I didn't get the job I wanted with the church. Another strike against me being active.

I am in serious debts without any means to get out of it. I'm behind on all my work and therefore screwed. S-C-R-E-W-E-D.

I actually kind of want to die, disappear, or have a new life.

If my financial situation doesn't improve, I might just move back home and find another job. I'm tired of being poor.

New Place... Same Life

I am living in a new place.

I feel really lonely today. I'm going to bed. Sleep usually makes things feel a little bit better. Don't you think?

As if anyone reads this...

I'm trying to find a new apartment. Thought I'd found one. Turns out I didn't make it before it got taken.

I'm so poor that I don't even have the money for a desposit anywhere. The place I'm living is okay but not as nice as some of these other places. I don't see any time in the foreseeable future I'll have anything but just enough money to cover my main living expenses while I continue to spiral downwards in debt... not being able to pay for school loans or my credit card...

I really hate my life. Is that sad to say? Honestly, I don't like my life. I really want to run away to my parents' house, say screw it all and just sleep for a month...

Why does my life have to be so hard? I'm going to the temple. I'm active in church. Why am I screwed financially so often?

What's Going On...

I'm kind of tired of being poor. And by kind of tired, I mean REALLY tired. The economy sucks and I wasn't doing amazing before that happened financially. So every month I am challenged to just pay my bills.

A few weeks ago I went and talked to the Bishop and I signed up for food from the Bishop's Storehouse. I ended up getting a lot of the basics there---butter, cheese, flour, etc. which really helped because I cannot afford to buy a lot of these basics. I didn't go crazy and get everything I'd need to eat there. Just go enough to supplement my food budget.

It was embarrassing. And humbling at the same time.

I wish life was easier for me. I wish I didn't have to fight so hard for money. I wish I had time to have a social life. And just to relax. But I'm stressed about work all the time. I've had three job interviews in the last month for part time work. None have panned out since they're offering me less than I make now.

If I'm having trouble paying bills now, getting extra work which pays me LESS isn't going to do me much good.

I need to pay my taxes soon. I'm not employed by a big company so I'm contracted out and so taxes are harder for me to pay. It makes me sad just thinking about them.

I just bought dog food since I literally had none left and I don't even have enough to pay my rent which is a check I've already given my landlord. Sucks, doesn't it?

Sometimes life is insane. But crazy I know I can do. I've handled it before.

I just wish I could find a job which was perfect for me. And would help me pay bills.