Changes in Ward

We have an entirely new bishopric. Its an exciting bit of change although I loved my old Bishopric. Now I have nothing keeping me in my ward. If I went inactive, no one would notice. If I moved, no one would notice. Seriously. Its depressing. I have one friend and he's just moved in a few months ago---but we're church friends and not everyday friends.

There was a linger longer after church yesterday and I just stood around, eating muffins and milk, and not having anyone to talk to except for the one friend. Who is also a member of the club.

Its so lonely going to my ward. But honestly, I don't know if changing wards would do anything either.

I think I'm feeling a little lost again. I don't know how I can get over this feeling.

Why?

If the church is true, then why is it that church leaders sometimes have said some very hurtful things in the past?

Any thoughts?

I've been reading about some of the things church leaders have said in the past regarding various groups of people, and it sickens\saddens me. Why did some church leaders say that blacks wouldn't ever get the priesthood? And then others said it would come? Some taught that they were wicked and evil. Others acted so much like their own times, acting like African descended members were less blessed to be "cursed" with their skin.

Now, the church has cleaned up some of what has been said in the past.

However, I cannot help but wonder... how can the church be true when hurtful things like this are said? I believe in the church, but I cannot understand why church leaders would be saying those things if they're supposed to be inspired people called of God.

I often make the joke that I'm the Lorax and I speak for the trees... since I speak for those who have no voice. The Congolese orphans. Gay Mormons. Single members. The abused and downtrodden. So I just find some of the things which church leaders have said to be very offensive and hurtful.

Adoption baby!

So I'm starting a website soon for adoption fund-raising. I'm mega super excited about it... Going to be selling some craft things made by my mom, I'm going to be publishing a little something for sale (won't reveal it since its not something of major interest to anyone here probably!) and going to be doing a few other things ... selling jams and things.

I'm truly excited about this actually. I feel like I'm making progress.

My mom is all keen on the adoption thing. She's the only family member who currently knows. The others are kind of still in the dark. I'm going to try to pay my mom something for helping. But she is really excited to be able to help actually!

When my son from Africa is adopted---or if I do the surrogacy thing---then she will be the only real Grandma to these kids. And she wants more grandchildren. Even if it is from her same gender attracted unmarried son who is getting some from around the globe. lol... A grandma isn't picky!

You're not alone, cause you're here with me...

Last night I felt incredibly alone. I also was able to finally acknowledge the pride and rebellious nature my heart sometimes leans towards. Honestly, it is not something I really noticed officially... I kind of knew it was there, and maybe I'd half-heartedly take note of... but, it wasn't a full head-on approach to my sometimes negative attitude.

Church isn't easy for me to go to alone. I feel really bad when I'm alone. I don't like feeling that way. I'm not a social butterfly, but I AM a social person. At least sometimes.

So I guess my already at times negative attitude about the church kind of spiraled, making it worse and worse... and my rebellious nature got in the way... so even when people on NorthStar tried offering me advice about ways to become more spiritual, I just basically fought it and said it wasn't worth it. Or that the advice wasn't good enough. In general, the advice I got was to PRAY, read the SCRIPTURES, and basics like that. Why was I being so negative about those things?

Last night when I was lying in bed, the slight breathing of both my roommate and my dog being all that I heard, I kind of said a little prayer... and I started to cry... It wasn't that I was feeling a huge outpouring of love or the Holy Ghost. It was finally an acknowledgment that I wasn't doing what I need to be doing. I wasn't following the church's teachings. I wasn't reading the scriptures, trying my hardest... I was just kind of existing. And being negative, hard-hearted...

I kind of felt like I needed to do something about it---and the thought came to ask a friend if he'd want to do like an FHE with him, his wife and I. I've never done something like that before and thought it was weird and almost didn't ask... When I wrote to him, I was just like... unable to control my emotions. It was so powerful that I finally realized how rebellious I was. How unkind I am at times. How I sometimes play devil's advocate just to push someone's buttons. Or how mean spirited I can be with LDS cultural things... all of these things were taking the spirit from my life. Combined with a rebellious attitude of not wanting to read the scriptures for guidance... well, its pretty bad.

My friend agreed quickly and we had a first FHE activity tonight. The lesson was really good for me---since it talked about the Light of Christ, a topic I've heard talked about before but hadn't thought of it in that way... and I realized something:

I've kind of hardened Christ out of my life.

Its like, unknowingly I've turned my back on Him a little. I've thought I was alone all this time, but I really haven't been. The only reason I've felt alone is because I've put myself there.

After chatting with my friend last night, I had a long prayer and I went to sleep feeling weakened from this sudden epiphany of my rebelliousness... I will not lie and say that there were angels who visited me, an outpouring of the Spirit so strong that it curled my hair, or something along those lines. But maybe a little crack in my hardened soul was placed. Just enough to let a little Light in.

I told my friend, and I tell all of you readers: I will never be a fan of LDS culture. You won't see me buying the Book of Mormon action figures for my future mixed-race Indian and African babies. UNLESS he or she asks for it. You won't see me playing LDS hymns on my car stereo. My future daughter(s) will not be wearing denim jumper dresses. And my son(s) won't have boring ties on Sunday. I won't be playing Passage to Zarahemla... I still hate tons of Utah and LDS cultural things.

BUT, while I won't like those things. That does not mean I will dislike the Gospel. Christ should be a larger part of my life. And I'm going to work on that.

When you're alone...

Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone with the church.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have anywhere to turn to.

I stopped praying more than once a week a long time ago.

I don't read the scriptures much.

And I'm unhappy and feel desperately, hopelessly, alone.

I think that my first two sentences are a reflection and result of my second two sentences. I don't know why I am so hurt sometimes by the church. Why is it that the church has to make statements which make me feel small and worthless? Why do I interpret them that way?

I just wish I felt something---anything---instead of feeling alone.

I need to try my best to at least say prayers sometimes. And read the scriptures sometimes. And I need to stop being so rebellious at heart with things from LDS culture and the gospel. I will probably never be a fan of LDS cultural things... You'll never see me rocking out to the Osmonds. But maybe, just maybe, there's hope for this rebellious heart.

Randomly written Thoughts

Today I went to Sacrament Meeting and sat in the hallwayand the whole time I kind of wished I was in a different ward. Then I walked into the Chapel and saw dozens of new faces and wondered "Why don't I try to be friends with these people?"

Maybe I don't try.

I had a great time over Christmas. I told my mom about my plans for adoption and she is supportive. She is actually kind of excited about it, I think. I told her about the Congo and she ended up reading some of my literature I'd brought with me about it. I told her "You know I have always loved black babies..." And then she admitted she always loved dark babies. We are so alike at times. haha.

She said she'd support my decision and that she thinks people in the family will warm up to it eventually.

This weekend I went house hunting. It was actually really nice. I'm not READY to buy a house, but I am looking into getting a house maybe in a year. It would be GREAT to have a house in a year. Seriously, GREAT. We'll see if it happens. Tired of living in a place which I don't own. Tired of living in a place which is just like someone else's house which I'm paying rent for. I'd like to have my own place.

I saw homes built by Ivory Homes. And a few other construction places. It was actually quite nice although I'm not sure if I will be getting a brand new home or something which is already built. Kind of leaning on the latter since I'd rather have a brand-new home when my brother builds it. It would be more of a project which I could work on. I'm excited to ultimately HAVE a house. Regardless of its brand new or used status.

The LDS church has come out strongly against gay marriage recently. Even saying in a letter published by the church that legalizing gay marriage will then require adoption agencies to give children to gay married couples. And the whole time I was thinking "Yes... and?"

Why would I be a worse parent than a straight man? or a straight couple? Am I so inherently bad that I couldn't possibly raise a child normally? Its kind of sad to me.

I'm just going to raise my children my own way. And to hell with what church members think. I'm not doing anything wrong. In fact, I feel I am being guided to do this. If people knew what I've had to sacrifice, what I've been through to reach who I am today, then I think they'd understand.