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One thing on my mind lately is the immaturity of many of the people I see around me.

The other day I was working on homework in the library when Cool Roommate messages me on the computer asking if I know :::: name removed to protect the immature ::: as evidently he had been saying I'd been flirting with him at a gym and I evidently told him my name.

Okay, flaws flaws flaws in this scenario... I don't flirt. Especially with freshmen who are 7 years younger than me. I don't go to the gym. I've never seen or heard of this person in my life. I also wouldn't flirt with this guy even if the above scenarios were not the case. And why would I tell someone I don't even know my name? Do I have "Stalk me" written on my forehead or something?

It bothered me on a few levels. First, the immaturity of the situation---lying about meeting me, then me flirting, etc. I dislike immaturity. Second, it bothers me because of my character. I try to be what I consider a good person. (Or, I should say, the type of person which does the things which I find to be morally good.) So it bothers me when someone makes some statement about my character and broadcasts it to even a small audience of listeners. And third, it bothers me because I do not like people talking about me in what I would feel is "behind my back."

I'm close to graduation. I'd like to leave BYU on a positive note knowing that people who are students here will look back on memories of me and think "Wow, he was a really good guy!" Not, "Wow! He was a hypocrite!"

Cool Roommate told me today that he confronted :::: name removed to protect the immature ::: who then stated that it "must not have been me" or some cheap excuse to get out of an obvious lie. Whether it was to gain attention from me or others, it bothers me. Cool Roommate also told me that nobody believed the story. Thank goodness.

I try to uphold my standards. I don't go to gay chat rooms, I'm not signed up on Connexion, Gay.com, or ... okay, so that's all the Gay Personals type websites I know of. I don't go to gay clubs. I don't flirt with people and I certainly don't think going to Gay Pride Parades is the best avenue for a good time. (There are better and much more appropriate places for me to be.) On most Friday and Saturday evenings you'll find me cooking dinner for one in my apartment, two if Cool Roommate is home and I'm feeling generous. Not getting felt up in some gay bar while complaining about the Mormons or BYU. Not crying about the evils of the Honor Code or how unfair my life is. Or how repressed I am.

I will have it known that despite what people might think---that I'm some sort of religious zealot---I don't treat people badly based on their choices to leave the church, however, I do make it known I would not SUPPORT that decision if it were my choice. I merely support my friend.

Gordon B. Hinckley taught us all, if nothing else, to stand up for our beliefs. So, it bothers me when someone would make up rumors about my own character and standards.

Humorous Sunday Morning

Okay. So my roommate needs to move out.

Sure, he IS moving out in a few months. But I think it should be sooner.

Not talking about Cool Roommate. Talking about the engaged one.

This morning at 8:20, Cool Roommate and I were both woken up (not together---well, together meaning at the same time but different rooms) to the sounds of a Bob Marley-Rahastafarian-Rap sort of music BLASTING from down the hall. It was loud enough I heard every thickly accented word.

Its bad enough that it ever happened, but its a SUNDAY for crying out loud... day of rest... relaxation... pondering the gospel...

And instead, I wake up to hearing this LOUD music.

Cool Roommate and I are taking votes as to whether or not we blast Mariah Carey, Celine Dion or Judy Garland at full blast next week at 7:00.

Feeling Special and always giving bad news...

You know, there's nothing in the world like the feeling of being special. I don't know why that is, but whenever I feel special and important to someone it makes me feel like I'm walking on air. Its a very good feeling.

I wonder if part of why same gender attraction is hard for us is because we are the types of people who seek others' affection and attention much more so than the average guy. We seek approval from others to intercept the lack of approval of ourselves. Does that sentence even gramatically or logically make sense? Hang in there---its 1 AM!

What I am trying to say is that so often we seek approval from others to gloss over the fact that we don't approve of ourselves. Or even love ourselves. I think that finding that approval in another person sometimes makes us feel normal, acceptable and good. I think that desire for approval is stronger in US as we tend to be emotionally sensitive people, who also happen to have low self-images of themselves.

Think about what the gay community does: forcing their agendas on others, seeking equal rights, marriage, etc. Isn't this just an outward push for acceptance and approval from a society which at the same time they hate? (Don't even get me started on the numbers of gays who hate President Bush and think he's as honorable as Chavez... who, I might add, is the actual devil and far worse than Bush.)

People can push for rights for whatever makes them happy. However, wouldn't it be better to first get approval from yourself?

Wouldn't it be nicer to accept oneself without the approval of society---to love yourself unconditionally---and not giving a damn about what you look like, act like, etc. in regards to what others think?

I think so.

I think its only after we accept and love ourselves for who we are that we'll feel good about ourselves and our position in the Gospel. We don't have to "accept ourselves" in the way society tells us by getting boyfriends and leaving the church.

As far as that feeling of being light goes that I mentioned at the beginning of my blog... I feel that a lot more now. And honestly, I couldn't care less most of the time what others think about me. I'm happy being me. That approval I feel that makes me feel good stems from me.

On a sidenote, it seems like I'm always having to give bad news to people... Ever feel that way?

My mom

... is amazing.

I realized today that despite the fact my father refuses to talk about same-gender attraction and they don't live locally enough for me to see them besides a few times a year, I wouldn't swap my parents in a million years.

End of story.

p.s. Cool Roommate and I think Wicked should be released on DVD and we'd each pay $100 for the DVD. Anyone think we need to petition???

House Plans and Greenhouses

I know I am a nerd deep down when I admit that for the last hour my thoughts have been geared towards two things: House Plans and Greenhouses.

Why these two things?

Because I secretly love planning my future home and also of owning a greenhouse.

Recently I went to a concert with Cool Roommate where I realized that honestly, I didn't fit into the whole "club vibe." A lot of the people there were gay, and I didn't belong. Not because they're more attracted to guys than I am, but because its just NOT my scene. I don't belong in a club. I guess its a gay club on some nights or something? I don't know exactly.

Sure, dancing is great--I loved the concert. But is it the type of place I'm fully comfortable going regularly? Nope. Was it fun? YES! A total blast. Will I go back? Depends on if the singer is good. lol.

Its not my regular hang out spot.

When Cool Roommate decided to stay to go dancing after the concert with some friends, I went home. I don't think I missed out on much. I was tired and not in the mood to dance.

I felt old and out of place at the concert to be quite honest. Cool Roommate is six years younger than me so I guess I feel ancient at times. Cool Roommate had fun at the dance afterwards with his friends. I am glad I did not participate though. I talked with him later about it and he understood why I didn't go.

And to put it simply: I don't want anyone to mistake my morals by seeing me in a gay club. I don't want people to wonder "Hey, is Post-it Boy a bit of a rebel? Is he unsure about the church?" Since I am sure I want the church. And I'm not much of a rebel.

Anyway, about greenhouses... I had this idea that in my dream house someday I'd have a greenhouse large enough I could use it as a sunroom type place. So I could raise fresh tomatoes and things year round and enjoy being able to breathe the fresh air that plants give off. During winter, I miss breathing the air from trees and nature.

I've also been jotting down some things I'd love to have in my future home.

Once again, it proves my nerdiness when I admit I'd rather daydream about a future home I'll share with a friend of mine than go to some club and get felt up by a stranger.

However, at least I will know that my standing with the church will not be second-guessed. Nor will I have to worry about temptations or being around bad influences. Depends, I think, on where you'd rather be.

What was the quote or saying about "I'd rather stand in holy places"? or something like that? Hmmm...

I am not saying that gay clubs, or clubs in general, are evil. But, aren't there better places to dance? Or hang out?

Honestly, I'd rather stand in my future greenhouse sunroom planting tomatoes than go to a gay club. A few years ago, I wanted to become a world famous artist traveling Europe painting. I think that is proof enough that people (and their goals) change.

Speaking of tomatoes, Macey's on State Street in Orem has some DELICIOUS tomatoes on sale for 99 cents a pound. Delicious, I tell you! Red and juicy and firm.

Busy Nothings

"Life seems more like a quick succession of Busy Nothings" --Mansfield Park.

Does anyone else feel like sometimes their life is just a bunch of busy nothings? Things we fill our lives with that amount to nothing but to fill time.

Sometimes I feel that way, and I hate it. I prefer to stay active in being involved in something, no matter what it is, and detest feeling as if I'm not actually doing something to benefit anyone. Including myself.

Sometimes, I think, that we get so involved in life and keeping on top of things which life requires us to do that our life turns into busy nothings.

For those who have not seen the Jonny Lee Miller version of Mansfield Park: DO! Its so romantic and sweet.

Problems and Solutions

I'm the type of person who likes to find ultimate solutions for any problem. In my research, I continually come across problems historically with what I think makes sense... So I read more. Reference other books. Go to papers about Social Studies. Talk to professors, etc. in hopes to find a logical answer which I feel confident is correct.

Sometimes life isn't able to give us "answers" to questions.

Recently I was asked to go on a group date. I agreed not realizing that a group date wasn't just a group of people hanging out but many couples doing something together. Naive Post-it Boy!

I realized I have not gone on a "date" at BYU. Over two years and no official date. Just hanging out on occasion with friends and of course there are nights when I hang out with a Moho but its hardly a date.

I don't know who to ask. I know of a couple girls who probably have crushes on me. But is that good to ask a girl out who might have a crush on me only to disappoint her when its a one-time only thing?

Maybe I should just ask a female friend who is "in the know" about my same-gender attraction so I'm not going to have too awkward of a night.

I guess I'm the atypical Mormon guy since I haven't gone on a single guy-girl date since coming here a couple years ago.

Elphaba writes music...

"Brave" by Idina Menzel

Don't know just where I'm going
And tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming
And the air is coldAnd I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction For to long now
I've lost my own reflection
And I can't look down
If you're not there to catch me when I fall.
If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid Cause it's my turn to be brave
All along all I ever wanted, was to be the light
When your life was daunting
But I can't see mine
When I feel as though you're pushing me away
Well who's to blame, are we making the right choices
Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay
If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid Cause it's my turn to be brave
And I might still cryAnd I might still bleed
These thorns in my side
This heart on my sleeve
And lightening may strike
This ground at my feet
And I might still crash
But I still believe
This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside, everything I own
I might be afraid But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last time before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid Cause it's my turn to be brave

My so called life

I will admit that I am currently addicted to watching reruns of My So Called Life on Abc.com. I watch it every week.

That show sometimes makes me think.

The main character Angela at one time tried really hard to fit in. Then, the first episode she dyes her hair red and starts hanging out with new people.

Tonight I make Chicken Cordon Bleu. A friend of mine didn't realize that was the name. He always calls it Chicken Gordon Blue.

And I realized I should call it Chicken Corbin Bleu. Its cuter.

Okay...

I think I like the idea of breaking a mold even more ever since I wrote that blog.

I don't think we all need to be alike. I actually love seeing diversity at church. Tonight I was reading about Samaritans in a good called "The Four Gospels" and it brought up some interesting points.

The Savior went to the Samaritans on several occasions, and also used them in several stories to teach a few principles. It would be like Gordon B. Hinckley using a drug-dealer as an example of Christ-like love. At the time, the Samaritans were a HATED people. Total outcasts and despised. They were partially Jewish in their background but were considered dirty and unclean.

However, among the Samaritans, the Savior found some good followers.

I guess it goes to show that the outcasts of the world are sometimes the best.

The Savior taught the gospel lesson of the Living Waters to a woman who had lived immorally with many men. This was interesting to me. He chose a woman who was an outcast on many levels---being a woman, being a Samaritan and being an open sinner. And yet, he must have known her heart was good.

What is so wrong about being an outcast of mainstream society? People want to fit in with the popular crowd so often, and yet---what truly great artists ever did what everyone else was doing?

Breaking the Mold

I think sometimes we as Latter-day Saints are afraid of breaking the typical mold of acceptibility.

On one hand, we're taught to stand for something. We're supposed to believe in traditional family values, which, quite honestly I'm 100% in support of. I know it might seem strange that I'm not in support of gay marriage and I would rather support traditional forms of family.

I'm not against gay people, for obvious reasons. I think many gay people are on the defensive in regards to tolerance. Either you are a proud out man (or woman) and if you're straight you're a liberal thinking person in support of their cause---or, if you're not, you're a homophobe.

Why can't there be something in the middle of such a broad spectrum?

I think in the Mormon community those who don't fit the mold are somehow excluded because they don't fit in 100%. You're either the Molly Mormon\Peter Priesthood type, or you're a screw-up. You're either active or inactive. You're a Mormon or you're a non-member. Someone couldn't possibly be "half Mormon" but you get my idea... We have these polarized ways of thinking that when someone comes along who doesn't fit the mold, we don't know what to do with them.

I admire my BYU Professors who don't show up wearing white shirts and ties. Hugh Nibley never fit the mold of what was a typical professor, including the fact that I don't know if he EVER wore a tie. He did it on purpose from what I remember. In fact, I think he was reprimanded on occasion for wearing his old fisherman hat on campus. He was a remarkable person but he was much too intelligent for his own good. He was smart enough to realize people didn't have to fit the mold.

I like to say that part of life is not just to become a Latter-day Saint, but a TRUE Saint.

Early Latter-day Saint converts didn't fit the mold of traditional society. Usually converts were found in the poorest of living conditions, in workhouses, factories, weavers' cottages and poor-houses. Anyone who believes their ancestors in the early church were rich is either a rare exception or a liar. They were the downtrodden of society. They were even poor by the standards of society in which they joined the church, not just in comparison with our standards.

And yet, despite their lack of education, cleanliness and monetary advantage, many excelled in a new environment. Utah was the place to build up Saints as they had to literally build from the ground up. Colonists face hardship and, I believe, if they were not truly converted before coming to the West they certainly were after relying on the Lord.

These people, like me, didn't fit the mold.

A man in a Preston cotton weaving factory, whose death would have gone unnoticed by neighbors, had the opportunity of joining the church and becoming a mayor of a small community in the Western States. He got his lungs adjusted not only to the altitude, but the lack of grime and filthy air he had to breathe from the factories. There would not have been a chance he'd have become a local politician in England, and yet, in America he had that chance.

We as members of the church don't always need to fit the mold to excel in life, and in the gospel. I am about to graduate BYU as an unmarried student. I do not think my lack of a marriage will deter me in my future. In fact, for my chosen career, not being bogged down by a young family might improve my chances of success.

I don't need to fit any mold to be a great person. In fact, I think that those who don't fit the mold become much more caring and compassionate towards others. We as same-gender attracted people in the church can feel downtrodden at times.

What makes us different from the outcasts of society who joined the church in the early days of the restored gospel? Not much! What prevents us from also becoming TRUE Saints? Not much. If its truly what we desire.

I like to think I'm gradually becoming a True Saint. I'm proud I don't fit the mold. Are you?

Sometimes when I'm alone...

I think about my life when I'm alone.

... And I am alone quite a bit.

Not always out of my own choosing. Sometimes I'm alone when the last thing I'd want is to be alone.

I think that my life isn't all that bad. I miss having someone around who tells me I'm important to them. I have that with some of my friends, one in particular who tells me everyday how Important I am. However, sometimes when I'm alone in my bed just before I fall asleep, I wonder why I am alone in the first place.

I walked through Gordon B. Hinckley's viewing on Thursday. It was really beautiful seeing so many thousands of people coming to honor him. I hope that when I die, people (including myself) will look back and say I did a good job. Hopefully I'll even get a Gold Star for my life.

I worry sometimes that when I'm old, I won't have as many visitors. By that time, everyone I know will be married with kids and grandkids, etc. And I'll just be that old guy at the end of the street whose house people are afraid of. haha. Well, hopefully not.

Sometimes I feel a little trapped in what I can become. I really want to teach someday, and I'm working towards that goal. But... A single male BYU Professor? Could it be possible? We'll see.

I've dreamed about teaching at BYU for years. Its all I've ever really wanted to be, since I grew up from the childish ideas that I could make it big on Broadway despite no singing capabilities. I think every little moho dreams about acting sometimes. :)

But, if BYU won't hire me because I am single, I guess it is their loss. I'd be dedicated if they hired me. And they wouldn't have to worry about paying for any dependants on the insurance.

I want to spend my life feeling as if I've accomplished something.

So, to my friend who tells me I am important everyday, I know you read these blogs. Just remember you're my best friend and I couldn't imagine not having you around.

And for all those others who read my blog, hang in there... I get lonely sometimes, I know, but generally I'm quite happy with my life. I just get lonely and analyze too much.