Prop 8

I cannot help but be shocked at my decision to follow the brethren regarding the Prop 8 initiative. Why? Because five years ago, I'd never have approved of anything which could be seen as discrimination.

For those who have been in a cave on Mars or have only recently been released from solitary confinement, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (of which I am a proud member) has requested its members to support traditional marriage by voting Yes on Prop 8. I don't live in California, nor have I ever lived there, but IF I did I would follow the First Presidency's counsel to support traditional marriage.

I think there are many with very different views on this issue. Many have gotten into arguments about it, debates, massive discussions in their blogs, facebook pages, etc. regarding these opinions. I was even criticized as a same-gender attracted person for my support of traditional marriage. However, to me, its not an issue... I believe in the gospel and I know what the Gospel has taught, repeatedly, over the years regarding marriage. When asked if I sustain the Prophet at General Conference, I hold up my hand. That reason alone is enough of an explanation as to why I choose to follow the Brethren.

I've been quote statistics... been shown how pre-marital relations can HELP a marriage... been told that people should do what feels right, what's in their heart, how its inequality, how we should do this and that and everything...

However, when it comes down to it, I believe in the Gospel. I believe in the Prophet. If he and the rest of his counselors and the Quorum of the Twelve have prayed regarding this and have been given the answer that traditional marriage is the way to go, then I will stand with them. No matter how many might say that I am hindering progress.

I've been told I'm not being as Christian as I could---because "God would want his children to be happy---so why would he disapprove of something which promotes love?!?!"---

Well, I do believe that Heavenly Father wants his children to be happy. Does he want them to deliberately disobey him---and allow others to allow it to happen? I don't think so. And if ANYONE in this Universe knows what will make us eternally happy, it is our Father in Heaven who has lived it all before.

What it all stems back to is my belief that WE as members of the Lord's church need to stop being wishy-washy with our opinions. If I see someone, even a member of my own immediate family, doing something which I think is against the Lord's Plan, I don't want them to believe that I find their actions satisfactory. I will not attack them, make them feel inferior or that I do not love them. But it would sadden me to know that whoever it is has chosen against the Lord's Plan for them...

So yes, I love my gay brothers and sisters---even those not of my faith---I don't wish them unkindness. Nor do I hope they find my words to be damaging.

I believe in the Gospel. Wholeheartedly. Not just the parts I like or which fit my agenda easily. I cannot go to Church on Sundays and go to a gay club the night before. Why would I want a law to be passed that would take what is our Lord's definition of a true marriage to be redefined to fit whomever's social agenda? Or to fit their own lifestyle more easily?

Even five years ago, I'd have probably wanted to fight for the rights for gays to marry. At one time, I was planning on getting married myself---to a woman who I still consider to be one of the most amazing people to ever walk this earth. Marriage is a beautiful thing. Five years ago, I'd not be where I am today... sitting at my computer and writing a blog about why I support Traditional Marriage. But, then again, five years ago I was still coming to terms with the turmoil which existed within me... I have since begun to realize the Lord's infinite plan and where I, as a proud member of the church who happens to deal with Same-gender attraction really fits into the picture.

Five years makes a big difference.

Tall and Tender like an Apollo...

What happened to the man from Tacaremba la Tumbe Del Fuego Santa Malipas Zatatecas la Junta del Sol y Cruz?

Well, he's right here... For those who don't know what this reference is, its a Sondheim Song about a woman who falls in love with a guy who is OBVIOUSLY not batting for her team. He is a great dancer, wears weird clothes, his friends call him Lillian and he owns a boutique... the woman still falls for him and doesn't understand why he doesn't return the affection.

Sometimes I feel like the guy in the song.

This past Sunday (before General Conference) a girl in my ward asked to sit next to me during Sacrament Meeting. Usually I sit alone---which is fine because I'm there for spiritual development and not purely social reasons---but it was a little weird. Does she like me a little? Is she just being nice? Social? Who knows.

It was a little strange for me because most of the time, women don't seem to notice me very much. And if they do, they don't make it evident.

Why am I so weird to not appreciate women? Am I a freak? Most guys would jump at the chance to have a nice girl sit next to them at church... For me, I felt awkward. But it was nice to not sit by myself for a change.

It is nice to get at least a little attention even if its from a woman. It goes to show that I'm not so entirely without visual charms.

In other news, a couple weeks ago a guy in my ward saw my outfit and asked why I was "dressed like that---wearing a suit and stuff..." which I thought was a little weird. Is it inappropriate to wear a suit to a Young Single Adult's ward? Sure, my suit was tailored well and I had a pocket square with a matching tie... but thats just style. :)

It was a little weird and felt like I was on display. Or that maybe my clothes were a little more extreme than most guys in my ward.

Well, if so, then aren't I even more like the man in the "The Boy from..." song? If so, why would a girl ask to sit next to me if I'm so blatantly obvious? Hmmm... I dunno.

I think I'm analyzing this too much.

Sometimes I wish I fit in at church a little more. And sometimes, I still wish I was married. Yesterday at the Matis fireside, I held a baby who belonged to a woman I met last month. His name is Seth and he's really cute. However, sometimes when I hold a baby I wish I had one of my own. I'd be a really good father. Much better than many others I know.

Its sad because there's a very real possibility it might never happen for me.

Le Sigh.

Being Blind to my Own Potential

On Monday, I went to the Matis fireside. And like always, I enjoyed it.

I didn't meet a lot of new people. I kind of kept to myself and just socialized with people I already knew. (Basically what I do every time I go... haha.) However, I had an enjoyable time seeing old friends and visiting.

Chris Belcher was there. I need to buy her book, I might add. She is a blind Latter-day Saint who has had something like four or five surgeries and radiation to remove cancers and tumors from her eyes... the first time being when she was only like 7 months old. Due to this, her face is a little misshapen.

However, as she spoke and I heard what she had to say, I was amazed by what a beautiful person she was. Not saying she was going to win Beauty Pageants... since that kind of beauty goes with age. She had this inner beauty---a really nice aura about herself where you could see she was a happy person.

So why are we as men who deal with same-gender attraction just sitting around complaining? I know I would choose attractions over blindness. And I think many of you would say the same thing. If we would choose this issue over another had we been given options, why do we sit around and talk about how unfair life is?

I think we can all be happy no matter what struggle we have. And we don't need to leave the church to pursue happiness.

Tired

Ever have one of those days where you feel completely unattractive and gross?

Today was that day.

Normally I'm quite content with my appearance. But today I felt very unattractive. It was very hard for me to sit and analyze my appearance and all the things about it I didn't like... all the while getting depressed over it.

I guess the last month or two I haven't been feeling very attractive. I don't get compliments like I used to when I'd get all dressed up for things. I don't know why but I don't get compliments as much... maybe because I've stopped putting so much thought into my clothes or maybe I don't hang around those who find me attractive... or maybe people just aren't quick with saying how nice people look anymore. I don't know. But its nice every so often to be told something nice about how you look.

I'm feeling okay now. I think its been a very trying day... I haven't been sleeping very well. I should go to bed.

I know its stupid to be depressed when I am so blessed in other things.

I really wish I had someone around to give me a hug tonight.

Oh well.

Another day begins tomorrow. And maybe I'll finish the work I was supposed to do today.

God Still Loves Me...

While I do know that Heavenly Father still loves me, as He does all His children, I am actually using the heading to base a very long standing argument which gay people (specifically out-gay inactive members of the church) seem to state:

"I know that God still loves me..."

Often said in an argumentative manner or a means to gain sympathy after they've expressed how their church has abandoned them (rather than, interestingly enough, the person abandoning the church...)

This statement always bugs me... And it doesn't bother me because I believe that God doesn't love an out-gay person. Its the idea that the Gospel or the First Presidency has ever stated contrary to this statement.

OF COURSE, Heavenly Father still loves you! He loves you no matter what you do.

If you had a puppy chew on your favorite shoe, would you be upset with him? Sure. Would you maybe be frustrated? A little. Would you hate him forever? Certainly not. I've never been able to stay mad at a pet of mine for very long. However, that doesn't mean you approve of the action of chewing on the shoe.

I believe that Heavenly Father works the same way.

He will always love His children. Gay. Straight. Black. White. Brown. Tanned. Purple. Pink. Member. Nonmember. Inactive... However, that doesn't mean he approves of all of our actions.

I know Heavenly Father loves me. I know he approves of my love for helping my family, providing service to people, and doing things like submitting names to the Temple. However, that doesn't mean that He likes everything I do. Does he enjoy when I get mad at someone? Or if I chose to drink just a little alcohol... or watch an R-rated movie... or something pornographic on the computer...??? Of course not. But He doesn't stop loving us either.

When I hear former members of the church bash our leaders, those of whom at one time they followed, it makes me upset when they say "I still know God Loves me... no matter what anyone says!" because the church has never said same-gender attracted people could not be members. They merely stated that certain behaviors be dealt with in a gospel-centered way. The church never stated that same-gender attracted members were not welcome in church meetings or at BYU or working for the church or as a missionary. . . We're just like all other members of the church, and, like all members of God's spirit family.

However, just because we are always recipients of God's love, doesn't mean He approves of all the things we do. Whether gay, straight, black, white, brown... etc.

Just a couple pennies' worth of my thoughts. Anyone else agree? disagree?

Things and stuff...

I have had an interesting conversation with my exgirlfriend.

Lately she's had a crush on her Spanish professor. Just a little one. The type where she thinks he is cute and gets tongue tied around him (which isn't a good sign when in a LANGUAGE course...) but it has been really fun to talk to her about all of it. She's been so embarrassed by her behavior. It has cracked me up though.

The weird thing is that she and I have been discussing our mutual attraction of latin men.

Why is this somehow normal? haha.

I think that my love for the cute darker-skinned not-so-fair sex is evident by my talking about how I think Corbin Bleu is really cute. I am not just attracted to darker skinned people though.

Okay... so my "Type" is anyone having curly hair and an accent... Hence why I love Orlando Bloom. As so many Latinos have curly hair and accents, it is evident why I would be attracted to them. It doesn't hurt that Latin people are the only ones who are okay with the fact that I could lose a few pounds and don't go to the gym.

I'm sure America Ferreira would find me attractive since latinas love my booty. But I doubt she will ever marry me despite my best efforts at becoming Mr Ugly Betty someday.

This is just a bunch of my random thoughts. I've asked my ex to take a picture of him since I'm just curious what he looks like.

If anyone hasn't already started, listen to In The Heights. AMAZING.

My thoughts

I am going to bed soon. I promise.

I've been thinking a lot tonight and wanted to share some of my thoughts.

I'm a Moho. A same-gender attracted person. An occasionally well dressed celibate.

In the Latter-day Saint Church Culture (though not doctrine) we're taught that unless you're married with a family you are not doing what you're supposed to be doing. If I don't get married, then where do I fit into the church?

I sometimes wonder about my role in the church even if I did get married. Would I ever want to be a church leader... a bishop or stake president? Not really. Callings of power and authority scare me. I'd probably pee myself if I was ever called to be even an Elders Quorum President.

I had a girlfriend once. No one ever seems to believe it. We had a long-distance courtship which ended in both of us being burned though not for the SGA reasons. Jealousy and misunderstandings became so prominent in our relationship that it was giving me panic attacks and a pre-ulcer like condition with the stress. I didn't like what our relationship turned us into. And, of course, I miss her. Even though we talk every week, I still miss her.

I sometimes think about marriage as a means to feel normal. Its always in the back of my mind as one of those "What Ifs"... What if I had married my ex-girlfriend? She is by far the coolest girl I've ever met in my life. If I wasn't attracted to men, I'd have married her a long time ago. I had planned on proposing to her about 2-3 months after we ultimately broke up. She never knew that I had planned on proposing to her. Short of her discovering this blog, she will likely never know. Because I couldn't possibly tell her at this point.

I don't really want to marry a woman anymore though.

My Bishop suggested I date. Not in the sense of wanting to get me married. He thinks dating for me would be a good way to become social. He thinks I'm anti-social at church. That is actually funny to me because this is the first ward I've been to that I actually attend activities on occasion and I have not missed a single Sunday despite usually sitting alone.

How do I explain to my Bishop that my NOT dating is a form of kindness? Because if I dated a girl, she might become attached to me... And then look what would happen... she'd possibly want to date more, take it to another level, kiss me, etc. Must better to just avoid the drama and not put girls through it.

What would I do on a date?

Despite the occasional loneliness, I like being attracted to men. Its normal to me.

If I'm content with my attractions with no desire for marriage or dating, then ... we're back at the same question: WHERE do I fit into the gospel?

My answer... I think that we choose our own way we fit in.

My mom went to the temple today and did the work for someone. I helped a friend of mine compile some names for the temple, and this was one of them. My mom had such a spiritual impression about this woman that she called me afterwards crying.

While my friend and I both have worked on compiling his family history... I know it is because of my work that this woman ultimately is getting a chance to accept the gospel.

I think we all need a reason to keep going to church. Whether its a love of Scripture Study, Temple attendance, church service... being a good friend... being an example to those you know... going on splits with missionaries... singing in the ward choir... or organizing the nicest centerpieces at a Stake Date-Night.

I think we all have a place in the gospel if we desire to find our own way to help.

In other news, I still don't know why Corbin Bleu is not as famous as Zac Efron.