Better

I'm feeling much better today. I think sometimes I just need a little freak out. And then things calm. :)

I'm applying for some new work. Hopefully I get one of the jobs I've applied for. :)

Frustrated

So today I'm frustrated.

1) Tired of being ignored. Again. WHY does no one seem to want to have me around? Who knows.

2) Not sure if I'm going to the Evergreen Conference. Why? Because it hasn't really been helping me. And for Frustration Reason No. 1. Don't want to bug any of the Moho's who ignore me by showing up.

3) I'm financially in the crapper and have been ever since moving downtown.


The silver lining is that I'm searching for other work. Which hopefully will bring in bigger bucks. So we'll see. I am waiting to hear from a job interview which hopefully will help me if its what Heavenly Father wants for me.

Tired of feeling frustrated and ignored.

How I am feeling

I want to be in an Idina-Taye sandwich... For real. Both are amazing.

"Brave" by Idina Menzel

I don't know just where I'm going and tomorrow is a little overwhelming
And the air is cold and I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction
for too long now
lost my own reflection
and I can't look down
if you're not there to catch me when I fall

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage
that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid but it's my turn to be brave

If this is the last chance before we say goodbye,
At least its the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause its my turn to be brave

All along all I ever wanted was to be the light
when your life was daunting
But I can't see mine
When I feel as though you're pushing me away

Well, who is to blame? Are we making the right choices?
Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be Brave!

If this is the last chance before we say goodbye,
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause its my turn to be brave

And I might still cry
And I might still bleed
These thorns in my side
This heart on my sleeve
And lightning may strike
This ground at my feet
And I might still crash
But I still believe

This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside, everything I own
I might be afraid, but its my turn to be Brave!

If this it the last time before we say goodbye,
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid, its my turn to be brave!

Update on the life of a Post-it Lover

Recently I had the opportunity to do something which I kind of wondered if I'd ever do in this lifetime: go through the temple for the first time. It was absolutely incredible. I always describe it to my friends as being overwhelmed spiritually and mentally.

The peace in the temple is absolutely remarkable. I now look forward so much to returning and completing more work for my family.

Getting my recommend was never easy. I had a year of disciplinary council issues, working on overcoming addictive behaviors I'm not proud to admit were ever a part of my life, and working through repentance. However, a few months ago I got my recommend and I promptly set a date for the temple.

Some of my family and friends were able to accompany me.

The Temple made me feel even further that I'm doing the right thing. A lot of readers might not agree especially if they've left the church. However, it's true. Ignore this post if you think I've become indoctrinated into a cult. Because if I'm in a cult, it makes me feel safe and secure... So nothing you say will convince me otherwise.

I love this gospel!

What Ifs...

I was reading a post on the North Star Young Adults list today. It was posted by a member of the list who will soon be leaving... I don't want to name names, because those messages are private. However, the idea behind it was that he never fully accepted his SSA so when things like marriage and becoming a father came up, he took on those responsibilities and has noticed a change in the attractions... somewhat... through his determination to live the gospel.

Sometimes I wonder about all that different "What if..." situations.

What if I had gotten help when I was a teenager and didn't deal with depression and suicidal thoughts? Would I be a different person now...? Maybe married with children?

I am happy with my life but sometimes I wonder if I'm really doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Will I regret my decision to not get married in 50 years?

I'm getting closer to going through the temple for my own endowments. My bishop said I could get it soon. But I'm moving wards so he doesn't know when the new bishop will approve it. Its my next step though. I know it.

Kind of pissed at Steven Fales

So has anyone else heard of Steven Fales? He's the famous "Mormon Boy" actor or whatever... Anyway, I guess he has a new play in the works which is a collection of monologues from the perspective of our "Heavenly Mother"... A current play of his talks about temple ceremonies according to a review I read. (Why I read it, I have no idea... Since I wouldn't see his play even if I had free tickets since I've heard enough.)

I can appreciate his coming out stories, knowing that many experience the same things... I'm sure his life has been a challenge as he's had other non-gay issues in his life... and I'm sure he's struggled.

However, no matter where his testimony and faith (or lack thereof) he should have respect for sacred things...

Oh, this fumes me.

That guy is just like every inactive gay Mormon I've ever met... They lose the spirit and then BAM! Its all about making fun or talking lightly of sacred things. That really offends me. I don't care if he's had a hard life as a prostitute or drug addict or whatever else he's done---I'm sure that was hard for him. However, he's gotten beyond that and left the "cult" he'd been in... So why doesn't he just move on with his life and talk about something besides being Mormon?

So lame.

No one invite me to his show because I'd probably be angry the whole time. I don't like when people make fun of sacred things, no matter who or what they are... And I'm not just talking my beliefs, if someone was making fun of another religion's sacred services or beliefs, I'd be mad also.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Where in the world is Post It San Diego?

Does anyone remember that "Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?" game show? Well, if you don't, my post title makes no sense.

Its been months since I've updated this thing.

Here's where I'm at...

Since May I've been on an informal probation with the church. As of about a month ago, that probation has been removed so I'm now able to take the sacrament. I'm still working on myself spiritually, but I feel in many ways I'm advancing... I'm going to be going through the temple soon (hopefully within the next few months---) It all depends on what my Bishop says and what he tells the Stake President. I don't know WHEN this is all going to be fixed up.

Tonight I went to the Matis fireside and the topic was on Temples and going to get your Endowments. A weird topic, perhaps, but then again the speaker IS a Temple President.

The weird part of tonight happened when my Bishop's wife was in the audience. She's an old friend of the Matis family so I was a little in shock but now my wife knows I'm a Moho! Woohoo!

The last while I've been living with a friend of mine who has now moved back home temporarily---and its been hard for me to be alone. I do miss having him around. He'll only be gone a couple weeks but its still weird. When you are good friends with someone, its nice to have them around...

So basically my big news is that I'm preparing for the temple. I'm not going to get married. I'm not serving a mission. But its something I need to do.

In other news, I'm teaching my Sunday School class and the first week went smashing... I'm excited about it and the upcoming developments with it. My bishop's wife has decided to join now so she'll be in my class AND she knows the truth why I don't date despite being in a Young Single Adults ward.

In other other news, another friend of mine has evidently stopped being as active in the church. It happens a lot more than I'd like to say. It makes me sad... but at the same time, I'm happy that he's happy. Its just hard for me to see people leave the gospel, especially when I know there are testimonies inside their hearts.

So... for whoever is reading this, go back to church---shape up---and then stop complaining about your life because its not that bad. There are people starving in other countries or who are dying because they don't have access to penicillin. THEY have it far worse.

Stay strong Brothers and Sisters!