Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Faith destroying angel

When I was a baby, my parents did their best.

We were all Latter-day Saints. I was born on Easter Sunday. I was my mom's favorite Easter present. I was taught the gospel from the beginning. I was taught the commandments.

Although I don't have proof, I think I had already begun a life of struggles as soon as I was conceived.



When I was a child, I believed what I was told. I never questioned it.

A commandment was a commandment. A rule was a rule.

I was obsessive compulsive, although I didn't know it at the time, so it worked.




When I became a teenager, I developed my sexuality. I didn't know what it meant.

But, a commandment was a commandment. A rule was a rule.

I'm obsessive compulsive. I didn't know it. But I had ideas in my head which didn't go away. Ideas which said "You have to follow each commandment! Hide away! Don't let anyone know!" It worked.




When I was a young man, around 19 years old, I first told someone about my attractions.

I joined support groups online. I sought for friendships and acceptance.

Commandments were so important. I yearned for friends who I could talk to about this in person. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted a family.

I'm obsessive compulsive, though I should have known it, I didn't. The need to be loved by friends in my situation was so strong, I thought about it all the time. I worried I'd find the wrong people to be friends with. It worked... for a while.




When I went to college, I continued the support groups. I found some people who I thought were friends.

I found out that I had horrible rumors spread about me. Friends who I thought were friends were unkind. And cruel. They said I was a whore, a cross-dresser, and obviously evil. I hadn't done anything to get those labels.

But, commandments are commandments. I tried to forgive. I tried to be a friend. But I got depressed and suicidal.

I'm obsessive compulsive. My therapist said I should have always known. I spent over a year in therapy. It worked. I became a new person. More confident. And considering marriage.




At college, I continued my therapy. I got a girlfriend. I was so scared. I needed help to figure out what to do. Who could a guy turn to?

I turned to people who I thought were friends. They told my girlfriend about dangerous threats in my life. Imagined threats. Things I could have handled on my own.

Commandments became harder. But I still worked through them. I tried to make my pre-engagement work. We broke up. I closed my heart to the marriage commandment. A seed had been planted. I was lonely. I cut my wrist in college, wanting to die. I went to my only trusted friend for support. He never asked what happened. He just was my friend.

I'm obsessive compulsive. I always have been. I thought about this for a long time. I became bitter.




Now I am a single adult. I don't go to therapy. I don't have a girlfriend. I am bitter.

I don't turn to friends much. I don't try as much. I don't believe in marriage for me. I now find it too challenging. I don't like going to church.

Commandments are a hassle. I follow some. I don't worry about others. I don't like my life all the time. So I focus on other things. I still want a family. But I have to go about it as a single man. Maybe I hate God sometimes because of my pain. Maybe I hate the church culture. But have you ever thought as to why I might be that way before deciding what kind of person I am?

I'm obsessive compulsive. Struggle with depression. Get anxiety often. I have hypoglycemia. I'm gay. Mormon. Unmarried. And feel alone.



Years have gone by. I now struggle with faith. I now struggle with a lot of things. I feel that people might view me as a threat---either from past rumors about me still clung to---or from my current language in my posts. I feel that some might see me as someone purposely try to destroy faith. Really, I'm trying to work through my OCD, depression and anxiety disorders in order to find my faith balance. Maybe my faith that I will find will be different from the past.

Maybe I won't succeed.

I thought that NorthStar was where I'd find faith again.

I apologize if I have ruined anyone's faith as I struggle to find my own way.

Maybe I won't ever find a place where I can turn for comfort.

But I'm not a threat. And I'm not a destroyer.

I'm me. Post-it Boy.

3 comments:

Emma Wood said...

When I was a kid my mum use to tell me that in our entire life we'd only be able to count our true friends on one hand. Its a struggle many people have. Hold in there and try to find some good friends and fill your life with activities that bring you true joy. Your a work in progress. Thats not a failure!

Trev said...

You should come to the Affirmation conference. No one there will view you as a threat ;). You will only find support.

Graham Lawrence said...

Tough to share, but I, at least, am glad you did.