Rebalancing

My job has changed considerably. I don't have completely steady employment right now but I am doing my best to stay afloat. I have more or less decided to keep with the church even if I might not be the strictest of members. During the last few months, I considered leaving the church---but that was partially because there were hopes of a different kind of future for me... one where I didn't feel like I was alone and fighting people over the church anymore. Its not panned out as I had planned. Or Hoped.

So instead, I'm decided to stick around.

I don't know what the future will hold for me.

I have bought four books on adoption. One is about toddler adoption. I'm excited to continue reading these books. They are good motivations for me.

Haven't seen the last of me...

A very dear friend of mine surprised me with an Ipod as a gift. He knew I wanted one for some language lessons I'm doing.

I am truly amazed by the kindness of people in my life, especially when I don't feel I deserve the kindness.

He is a truly amazing friend. I thought so before the Ipod nano surprise, of course. I don't deserve such good friends.

As far as the gospel goes... I feel alright about things for now. I'll quote Cher, since thats what every gay man does with the gospel right? :)

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

I guess...

I guess how I am feeling right now is a wish to be loved.

I have friends who I have occasionally cuddled with---that has helped me feel connected to people. I really miss that closeness with my friends.

I don't want just any close contact with someone---I don't want to hug a random stranger. I want there to be a connection.

I miss that connection with other men.

I feel lonely.

I guess that is how I am feeling right now.