More bedtime thoughts...

Last night I said my first really sincere prayer in what feels like weeks. I say prayers but they're not always seeking a real answer, does that make sense? Last night I prayed about what I see as a very uncertain future. Not that I don't have plans, but that I often times doubt my plans. I feel better about things now.

Prayer really does help. Even if they don't always get loud and clear sort of answers.

MohoHawaii asked me in my last blog's post about the whole celibacy thing.

First, I wanted to comment on the mixed-orientation marriage idea. First off, I hate referring to them as a mixed-orientation although its hard to explain otherwise. As someone who at one time intended on marrying a girl (who knew I was not sexually attracted to her) but who I loved anyway, I have a little bit of a twisted image of the idea of marriage.

I think marriage is a beautiful idea. A partnership is always beautiful to me. IF THERE IS HONESTY FROM THE START!

What seems to have happened largely in the past is that SSA\Moho men get married and 5, 10, even 30 years down the line realize their error. Sometimes they lived in such denial over their attractions, they refused to get help for any of them until long after things like adultery was involved and divorce was on the horizon.

The church doesn't support this notion anymore. I don't know if the official church position ever was to "just get married" although many church leaders pushed for that out of naivety or perhaps seeking a quicker way to work through this. Now, church leaders have a bit more training and knowledge when it comes to this. And while many out there think that Evergreen International is the devil (myself NOT included) it has helped to educate church leaders on the topic of how to more adequately deal with members of the church with these feelings.

That being said, I think that marriages nowadays between SSA men or women and their spouses have a better success rate than in the past. Generally because help is being sought earlier for those individuals. So that when they do enter a marriage, its with the right motives and the partner is aware.

Is marriage for me? I don't really think so. It is not required to be LDS no matter what people preach in Sunday School or you BYU Book of Mormon or EFY class.

NOW about the celibacy thing...

To me, life is not about any one thing. Life isn't about what I'm going to wear, or how I'm going to style my hair, or go to school, or which friends I have and which job I get after graduation. It is a mix of those things.

That being said, life doesn't have to be "all about sex"--In fact, any couple out there would admit that sex is just a way to express your love for someone.

That doesn't mean my life needs to include that aspect of love. Nor does it mean that my life is not worth living if I don't have sex.

So many people have this black and white mentality that life is about this-or-that. Either people are all gay or all straight. (And I know straight guys who have admitted they can see why being affectionate with a guy might be fun---and I know gay guys who admit they have been attracted to women before. Go figure! Evidence its not so black and white!)

Life doesn't need to contain a lot of the things we think it has to in order to be fulfilling.

I made a list of the things I wanted to do in this life. Some of them include, but not limited to:

Visiting most of the countries of Europe.
Learning how to cook really good Italian food.
Growing a more organic garden.
Learning how to do food storage.
Writing a book.
Gathering Temple Names for all my nonmember deceased relatives.
Being a true friend to those in my life.
Become self-sufficient. (i.e. being able to grow my own food)
Giving my nieces and nephews a really cool Uncle. (ME!)
Seeing the Pyramids.
Owning a house with a pool.
Rescuing a Maine Coon Cat just like the one I had as a kid.
Snorkling in the ocean with an underwater camera. (Just as long as there are no sharks within about 100 miles since Jaws still scares the crap out of me...)

Okay, so the above list proves I'm a gay mormon since traveling, and food storage are on my list of to-do's.

So while some might see a life of living without sex as some sort of punishment, I think of it as just one thing to do without which does not prevent me from having so many other things in my life. I can still be a great uncle. I can still learn how to cook really good Italian food. (And for those who have tried my cooking, you know someday I'll learn... I'm great in the kitchen.)

I think the reason some people detest the idea of celibacy is either they're holding onto a little too much of the world's views of what normalcy as a gay man is... they're not truly committed to the gospel... or they just cannot grasp the idea that there are SOOOOO many other things that life has to offer.

One thing I told my mom a few months ago is that by my NOT having a wife (or a gay husband or whatever) I will be able to devote my time to doing so many other things which benefit myself and others. My life stopped being all about my own needs and wants a while back.

I will add that I also get affection from friends of mine which helps fill a need to get love and friendship. And I plan on living with a friend of mine---since living alone is NOT a requirement for being SSA and active in the church. Nor is it a requirement for living the law of chastity.

Thoughts before bed

I'm sitting here in my bed thinking about some blogs I've recently come across.

Recently, I learned another friend of mine has left the church. Correction: As my father says, he has left the church but cannot leave it alone. Its similar of all the blogs I come across from ex-Mormons or out-gay inactive Mormons or whatever. Their blog posts are filled with the same stuff of the "I hate what the church says..." and "I cannot BE ME in the church..." So they gradually go inactive. And then preach the whole "You can live a good life without the church!" philosophy.

Sure, anyone can live a good life whether or not they're LDS. I know some born-again Christians who live very moral lives. I know Jewish people. Catholics. Mormons, etc.

However, did Heavenly Father intend for us to live our lives as inactive members of the church fighting against the church? I don't think so.

A friend of mine said to me today "What would you do if I stopped going to church? Would you still be my friend?" To which I of course replied I would. However, it would not stop me from being saddened by his decision.

Another argument they have is that "Parts of the church are good and parts are bad." So they stick to the things they like, which fit their own agenda, and decide not to follow all the commandments? Seems a little like "Well, I will be on a new health plan... but I insist on eating a gallon of double fudge brownie chocolate ice cream every night before bed!" Kind of ruins the whole diet-exercise routine if you pick the parts of the diet that are convenient to follow while keeping other habits not in accordance with the diet.

To me, it is quite simple.

The Gospel is true! I cannot stress it enough. No matter how conflicted you might feel or how unhappy you might be at times with church leaders for their supposed homophobia... The Gospel is still true. And if that Gospel is true, then ALL of it is true.

Do not talk to me about how the Blacks changed the church by getting the Priesthood and how someday gay temple marriage will happen! It is not logical to follow that same line of thinking with this situation. The church's position, officially, is that we are unsure of the reasons behind the Priesthood issue. However, the church is quite clear about its position on homosexual marriage.

If I hear another person complaining about how they "cannot be themselves" because of the church, I might scream. WHAT about yourself cannot be expressed? Is your identity so tied up with being gay that nothing else matters? Give me a break and find something ELSE about your life which you can use as a cultural identity marker besides which genitalia you're more attracted to.

The church doesn't require marriage in this life. If you cannot tolerate living in a Singles Ward because of the pressure, find another ward! And just because you're in a Singles Ward doesn't mean you have to date. I have been in Singles Wards for years. I have never gone on one date at BYU and I don't think its that big of a deal.

One closing remark... IF the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true, then the Plan of Happiness is true. And wouldn't you want to do anything you could to reach those Blessings? Even if it meant changing your focus on what is important in your life, and maybe finding newfound strength inside of yourself to continue on and BE HAPPY in this life? (And trust me, it is possible to be happy and SSA in this church without marriage... I've never been happier and marriage is the farthest from my mind.)

To me, the Gospel is True. And I want to return to my Heavenly Father. So I will respect his teachings and those appointed leaders. Without questioning. Without attacking. I will go to church and live a good life while going to church. Because I believe that the Gospel is true. I cannot sit and pick apart the things I like while ignoring the doctrine I dislike.

Being the Uninvited, Taking Control and Evergreen

Recently I've seen a lot of people---mohos and non-mohos alike---who have been going on trips and adventures. National parks, camping, Europe, Cruises, etc. I see the pictures on facebook, myspace or those online photo albums on other blogs. And I sometimes think "Wow! I wish I was there! It looks like fun!"

But, the sad truth, is that I've never been invited.

Is it a problem with me, personally? Am I grotesque? Or boring? Or too weird to make people want to associate with me?

I don't think so. I think I'm a pretty good guy.

I've decided that rather than ever be sad that I'm not invited places, I will take control of areas in my life which I can control more.

I am working on not being affected by my usual evenings of being in my apartment. I have a close friend with whom I talk to almost every night. And that is a really amazing comfort to me. Without his friendship, I'd probably be very lonely.

I've been asked to be a part of the Evergreen Conference planning committee. I'll be going on a trip in May to visit the one friend of mine who evidently does enjoy spending time with me... The same friend I just mentioned. lol.

But after this trip, I'll probably lend my services to helping plan the event. I've never done anything like that before. However, it will be my fourth conference so it should be good.

For those who don't know what the Evergreen Conference is, its a really great two-day event full of workshops and classes for being dealing with same-sex attraction in the church. Specifically, it is for those seeking to remain active in the church. However, it is attended by some who are still "figuring things out" and many in attendance have family or friends accompanying them. So just because you see someone you know at the event doesn't mean they're a Moho. haha.

I've gone to the last three Conferences and I always learn something at them. I enjoy them immensely even though, yet again, I'm usually alone.

::::Enter Witty Blog Subject Line Here::::

One thing on my mind lately is the immaturity of many of the people I see around me.

The other day I was working on homework in the library when Cool Roommate messages me on the computer asking if I know :::: name removed to protect the immature ::: as evidently he had been saying I'd been flirting with him at a gym and I evidently told him my name.

Okay, flaws flaws flaws in this scenario... I don't flirt. Especially with freshmen who are 7 years younger than me. I don't go to the gym. I've never seen or heard of this person in my life. I also wouldn't flirt with this guy even if the above scenarios were not the case. And why would I tell someone I don't even know my name? Do I have "Stalk me" written on my forehead or something?

It bothered me on a few levels. First, the immaturity of the situation---lying about meeting me, then me flirting, etc. I dislike immaturity. Second, it bothers me because of my character. I try to be what I consider a good person. (Or, I should say, the type of person which does the things which I find to be morally good.) So it bothers me when someone makes some statement about my character and broadcasts it to even a small audience of listeners. And third, it bothers me because I do not like people talking about me in what I would feel is "behind my back."

I'm close to graduation. I'd like to leave BYU on a positive note knowing that people who are students here will look back on memories of me and think "Wow, he was a really good guy!" Not, "Wow! He was a hypocrite!"

Cool Roommate told me today that he confronted :::: name removed to protect the immature ::: who then stated that it "must not have been me" or some cheap excuse to get out of an obvious lie. Whether it was to gain attention from me or others, it bothers me. Cool Roommate also told me that nobody believed the story. Thank goodness.

I try to uphold my standards. I don't go to gay chat rooms, I'm not signed up on Connexion, Gay.com, or ... okay, so that's all the Gay Personals type websites I know of. I don't go to gay clubs. I don't flirt with people and I certainly don't think going to Gay Pride Parades is the best avenue for a good time. (There are better and much more appropriate places for me to be.) On most Friday and Saturday evenings you'll find me cooking dinner for one in my apartment, two if Cool Roommate is home and I'm feeling generous. Not getting felt up in some gay bar while complaining about the Mormons or BYU. Not crying about the evils of the Honor Code or how unfair my life is. Or how repressed I am.

I will have it known that despite what people might think---that I'm some sort of religious zealot---I don't treat people badly based on their choices to leave the church, however, I do make it known I would not SUPPORT that decision if it were my choice. I merely support my friend.

Gordon B. Hinckley taught us all, if nothing else, to stand up for our beliefs. So, it bothers me when someone would make up rumors about my own character and standards.

Humorous Sunday Morning

Okay. So my roommate needs to move out.

Sure, he IS moving out in a few months. But I think it should be sooner.

Not talking about Cool Roommate. Talking about the engaged one.

This morning at 8:20, Cool Roommate and I were both woken up (not together---well, together meaning at the same time but different rooms) to the sounds of a Bob Marley-Rahastafarian-Rap sort of music BLASTING from down the hall. It was loud enough I heard every thickly accented word.

Its bad enough that it ever happened, but its a SUNDAY for crying out loud... day of rest... relaxation... pondering the gospel...

And instead, I wake up to hearing this LOUD music.

Cool Roommate and I are taking votes as to whether or not we blast Mariah Carey, Celine Dion or Judy Garland at full blast next week at 7:00.

Feeling Special and always giving bad news...

You know, there's nothing in the world like the feeling of being special. I don't know why that is, but whenever I feel special and important to someone it makes me feel like I'm walking on air. Its a very good feeling.

I wonder if part of why same gender attraction is hard for us is because we are the types of people who seek others' affection and attention much more so than the average guy. We seek approval from others to intercept the lack of approval of ourselves. Does that sentence even gramatically or logically make sense? Hang in there---its 1 AM!

What I am trying to say is that so often we seek approval from others to gloss over the fact that we don't approve of ourselves. Or even love ourselves. I think that finding that approval in another person sometimes makes us feel normal, acceptable and good. I think that desire for approval is stronger in US as we tend to be emotionally sensitive people, who also happen to have low self-images of themselves.

Think about what the gay community does: forcing their agendas on others, seeking equal rights, marriage, etc. Isn't this just an outward push for acceptance and approval from a society which at the same time they hate? (Don't even get me started on the numbers of gays who hate President Bush and think he's as honorable as Chavez... who, I might add, is the actual devil and far worse than Bush.)

People can push for rights for whatever makes them happy. However, wouldn't it be better to first get approval from yourself?

Wouldn't it be nicer to accept oneself without the approval of society---to love yourself unconditionally---and not giving a damn about what you look like, act like, etc. in regards to what others think?

I think so.

I think its only after we accept and love ourselves for who we are that we'll feel good about ourselves and our position in the Gospel. We don't have to "accept ourselves" in the way society tells us by getting boyfriends and leaving the church.

As far as that feeling of being light goes that I mentioned at the beginning of my blog... I feel that a lot more now. And honestly, I couldn't care less most of the time what others think about me. I'm happy being me. That approval I feel that makes me feel good stems from me.

On a sidenote, it seems like I'm always having to give bad news to people... Ever feel that way?

My mom

... is amazing.

I realized today that despite the fact my father refuses to talk about same-gender attraction and they don't live locally enough for me to see them besides a few times a year, I wouldn't swap my parents in a million years.

End of story.

p.s. Cool Roommate and I think Wicked should be released on DVD and we'd each pay $100 for the DVD. Anyone think we need to petition???