I thought I had other options for an adoption in Africa... but both countries have complications.
Anyone want to marry me and adopt together as a married couple---but I'd raise the kid completely? Once the adoption is completed we'll divorce and you'll relinquish your rights. In the meantime, I have good health insurance and we'll save money on our taxes.
Sadly, the above seems like my best option. I'm turning into a criminal.
I feel dead on the inside. Truly. I'm losing hope.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Thursday, October 24, 2013
My Dreams ... have to change
The Democratic Republic of Congo has issued a statement which says that single individuals cannot adopt from their country anymore. Married couples are having suspensions temporarily as they figure out new adoption laws.
I've been working for 55 hours a week on and off for years to stay on top of things financially. I paid off 25,000 in debts including all my student loans over the past year and a half. I have been working with a credit fixing agency to fix my credit to help me buy a house to prepare for the kid. I have read countless books, websites, blogs, articles, etc.
I think about my adoption everyday. Its what keeps me motivated, to keep trying, to keep working towards that goal. Even home ownership is just a part of the plan to get the child.
I had my heart set on that country.
And now my heart has been stomped on.
Is it possible to have a broken heart even in cases where romantic love isn't involved?
I don't really have a backup plan. Uganda and Nigeria were two options but they're very strict and hard to work with. Haiti allows single men but I need to be 35 years old. Very few places allow for single men to adopt. It is truly unfortunate because I'd be a better father than most men and a better mother-figure than most women.
Truly, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.
So now the question is... should I just get married for tax and adoption purposes?
I've been working for 55 hours a week on and off for years to stay on top of things financially. I paid off 25,000 in debts including all my student loans over the past year and a half. I have been working with a credit fixing agency to fix my credit to help me buy a house to prepare for the kid. I have read countless books, websites, blogs, articles, etc.
I think about my adoption everyday. Its what keeps me motivated, to keep trying, to keep working towards that goal. Even home ownership is just a part of the plan to get the child.
I had my heart set on that country.
And now my heart has been stomped on.
Is it possible to have a broken heart even in cases where romantic love isn't involved?
I don't really have a backup plan. Uganda and Nigeria were two options but they're very strict and hard to work with. Haiti allows single men but I need to be 35 years old. Very few places allow for single men to adopt. It is truly unfortunate because I'd be a better father than most men and a better mother-figure than most women.
Truly, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.
So now the question is... should I just get married for tax and adoption purposes?
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Sometimes... I'm humble and honest
There's a song posted by two gay BYU students singing I Stand All Amazed which made me reflect on my life and the choices that I've made. Sometimes I get very honest with my feelings and leave myself vulnerable.
Here is my list of "Sometimes"---
Sometimes I'm cynical or bitter to cover up the immense amount of pain I go through. Stress over money, my future, the fact that I feel unloved and alone much of the time... Its hard for me.
Sometimes I wonder if the Savior really does care for me. And if he does, why did he put me into this body which was destined for gayness? While I've never talked to the singer on facebook that I added as a friend basically because he's a leader within the gay Mormon community and because he's cute, the idea that I did so just because he's attractive proves to me that I'm one of those shallow gays at times. I like pretty boys, not pretty girls! Why would I be made this way? What sort of cosmic joke am I the punchline of?
Sometimes I hate that my sexuality keeps me from being a dad in an easy way. Guys are supposed to have sex with their wives and bring beautiful babies into the world. And be good fathers. Not have to surf through adoption websites and look into outsourcing surrogacy to India.
Sometimes I get embarrassed admitting to the hundreds of hours I've spent thinking about being a dad. Or the fact that I have looked into sending sperm samples to foreign countries and choosing egg donors online---all because I want it so badly. Not many men would do that. And yet, the church still sees me as an inappropriate alternative to a traditional family despite me wanting it more than a lot of married men?
Sometimes I hate that I see people who don't appreciate being a father or don't appreciate their children. So I get bitter. And I get jealous from sitting in Sacrament Meeting seeing all the people with their babies and children. And I am alone in church with no one to be in my family or sit on the row with me. It sucks. And I cannot help but to blame God at times for my tabernacle of a body enjoying the wrong sex.
Sometimes I hate being in my situation in life. Knowing that I will always be an outsider.
Sometimes I really wish I had a man in my life who would love me---who would support me. Care about me. And want to be a father with me. Its not about sex. Its about love.
Sometimes I look at my own life and I think ... What did you do, Post-it Boy? What kind of life have you turned out?
Sometimes I worry that my dedication to the church, however minimal, is all in vain. And I'm just an idiot to follow a group which preaches hate mixed with love.
Sometimes I hate that I feel my life has no hope. I cling to the hope of my adoption. The other day, I thought "What if it doesn't happen?" and scary to admit... I said "Well, then my life won't happen."
Sometimes I wish I could just Stand all Amazed with the same faith I used to have. Believing that my life would all be good in the end. That my life wasn't all a cosmic joke. Or that my faith was real and not imagined.
Sometimes I just hate so many things around me in my life. Almost like I have no escape.
Sometimes I hate that to open up, I have to write a blog of "Sometimes" anonymously.
The end.
Here is my list of "Sometimes"---
Sometimes I'm cynical or bitter to cover up the immense amount of pain I go through. Stress over money, my future, the fact that I feel unloved and alone much of the time... Its hard for me.
Sometimes I wonder if the Savior really does care for me. And if he does, why did he put me into this body which was destined for gayness? While I've never talked to the singer on facebook that I added as a friend basically because he's a leader within the gay Mormon community and because he's cute, the idea that I did so just because he's attractive proves to me that I'm one of those shallow gays at times. I like pretty boys, not pretty girls! Why would I be made this way? What sort of cosmic joke am I the punchline of?
Sometimes I hate that my sexuality keeps me from being a dad in an easy way. Guys are supposed to have sex with their wives and bring beautiful babies into the world. And be good fathers. Not have to surf through adoption websites and look into outsourcing surrogacy to India.
Sometimes I get embarrassed admitting to the hundreds of hours I've spent thinking about being a dad. Or the fact that I have looked into sending sperm samples to foreign countries and choosing egg donors online---all because I want it so badly. Not many men would do that. And yet, the church still sees me as an inappropriate alternative to a traditional family despite me wanting it more than a lot of married men?
Sometimes I hate that I see people who don't appreciate being a father or don't appreciate their children. So I get bitter. And I get jealous from sitting in Sacrament Meeting seeing all the people with their babies and children. And I am alone in church with no one to be in my family or sit on the row with me. It sucks. And I cannot help but to blame God at times for my tabernacle of a body enjoying the wrong sex.
Sometimes I hate being in my situation in life. Knowing that I will always be an outsider.
Sometimes I really wish I had a man in my life who would love me---who would support me. Care about me. And want to be a father with me. Its not about sex. Its about love.
Sometimes I look at my own life and I think ... What did you do, Post-it Boy? What kind of life have you turned out?
Sometimes I worry that my dedication to the church, however minimal, is all in vain. And I'm just an idiot to follow a group which preaches hate mixed with love.
Sometimes I hate that I feel my life has no hope. I cling to the hope of my adoption. The other day, I thought "What if it doesn't happen?" and scary to admit... I said "Well, then my life won't happen."
Sometimes I wish I could just Stand all Amazed with the same faith I used to have. Believing that my life would all be good in the end. That my life wasn't all a cosmic joke. Or that my faith was real and not imagined.
Sometimes I just hate so many things around me in my life. Almost like I have no escape.
Sometimes I hate that to open up, I have to write a blog of "Sometimes" anonymously.
The end.
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