Changes

I think that the next month or two will be bringing a lot of changes in my life. I am seeing changes already when it comes to my employment---

I am now inundated with work and projects which I will be working on completing as quickly as I can... but its a lot to keep track of.

Its a good thing though.

I just want to have a good life... the goals I am working towards are not so crazy or extreme that they are not possible. I just feel like I need a boost to reach some of those lower-hanging goals.

Interview Part 2

Turns out the job will maybe pay more than I thought. I don't know for sure. I will not worry until I get the job offer, if I do.

I suppose I'm just tired of being poor. So I am very crabby when it comes to money right now.

I need a hug.

Interview

I have an interview for a job which will probably pay me half of what I was making as a temp.

Pros? Benefits. And a steady paycheck. Even if the paycheck isn't very good.

Cons? I will have to work another 15-20 hours a week just to have enough to have a real life. Which will defeat the purpose of working for a life since I won't have a life.

I don't have a life besides work. And I work in order to have a life. Which I won't have because I have to work all the time. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't.

Oddly enough, this job interview makes me want to stop going to church anymore since I am feeling really bitter about where my life has ended up.

Whatever.

I think my life has turned into a bit of a joke, honestly.

Whatever.

And I've given up hope on having a good career working in my current profession. It'll probably always be as disappointing as my life has been. I've worked myself to the bone to remove most of my debts, lost my car in the process, and have no career options but to get something which doesn't pay as well... then work that until I can maybe work myself up career-wise? Seems like starting over.

Whatever.

As I said, life is a big disappointment but we're supposed to like hold to the rod and hope that things are better in the next life, I guess? When I magically become straight and will want to get married? I dunno. Seems like a bunch of shit.

Whatever.

Rebalancing

My job has changed considerably. I don't have completely steady employment right now but I am doing my best to stay afloat. I have more or less decided to keep with the church even if I might not be the strictest of members. During the last few months, I considered leaving the church---but that was partially because there were hopes of a different kind of future for me... one where I didn't feel like I was alone and fighting people over the church anymore. Its not panned out as I had planned. Or Hoped.

So instead, I'm decided to stick around.

I don't know what the future will hold for me.

I have bought four books on adoption. One is about toddler adoption. I'm excited to continue reading these books. They are good motivations for me.

Haven't seen the last of me...

A very dear friend of mine surprised me with an Ipod as a gift. He knew I wanted one for some language lessons I'm doing.

I am truly amazed by the kindness of people in my life, especially when I don't feel I deserve the kindness.

He is a truly amazing friend. I thought so before the Ipod nano surprise, of course. I don't deserve such good friends.

As far as the gospel goes... I feel alright about things for now. I'll quote Cher, since thats what every gay man does with the gospel right? :)

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

I guess...

I guess how I am feeling right now is a wish to be loved.

I have friends who I have occasionally cuddled with---that has helped me feel connected to people. I really miss that closeness with my friends.

I don't want just any close contact with someone---I don't want to hug a random stranger. I want there to be a connection.

I miss that connection with other men.

I feel lonely.

I guess that is how I am feeling right now.

Oh really?

I sometimes wonder what is my future with the church when I see people who make statements such as the following.

Mitt Romney is quoted as having said:

"The children of America have the right to have a father and a mother,'' Romney said in his prepared remarks. "What should be the ideal for raising a child? Not a village, not ‘parent A' and ‘parent B,' but a mother and a father.''

Romney also warned about the societal impact of gay parents raising children. "Scientific studies of children raised by same-sex couples are almost nonexistent,'' he said. "It may affect the development of children and thereby future society as a whole.''

Romney expressed similar beliefs during a speech in 2005 to socially conservative voters in South Carolina, as he was beginning to be viewed as a serious candidate for president.

"Some gays are actually having children born to them,'' he declared. "It's not right on paper. It's not right in fact. Every child has a right to a mother and father.''

There are two parts to my worrying about my future involvement in the church:

1) Will I continue to see people with views such as this? Undoubtedly it will happen, especially with a recent General Conference talk by Dallin H. Oaks which discussed children of gay couples and single parents as being without a doubt, disadvantaged, and essentially neglected.

2) Will there be any change if I leave? Undoubtedly not, once again. If I go to church with my future black son and do my best to raise him well, maybe it will change some hearts and minds to open their hearts and minds. 

I still believe in the church despite some of these kinds of statements. People who doubt the sincerity with which I desire to be a father need only to read this blog for a few entries to know it is a passion of mine. To not be a parent would kill me.

Will I stay? I like to think I'd say yes, especially given No. 2's logic. Maybe I will be the gay Mormon parent pioneer, having a multi-racial family and breaking everyone's narrow-minded thought process down.